Husband refuses to go to counseling

My psych nurse has asked me several times to bring my husband with me to a few sessions - not just for marriage counseling, but also to see his side of my mood swings and his perception of my behaviors, basically to see what I may or may not be reporting to her. And we desperately need marriage counseling.

I've been putting it off for a while, but I finally asked him today if he would go with me on Thursday. He has the day off work, so he could make it.

He flat out refused to go. Joked about it. Laughed it off.

We have been doing much better lately, I think because I feel so much better. We talk more, fight less, and do nice things for each other. Still no physical contact in over 2 months...but that's a separate issue.

I do think that most of "our" issues are really "my" issues that bleed into the marriage. I know it can be hard to live with a woman with drastic mood swings, rapid weight gain & loss & gain & loss, and a really poor self-esteem. He has stuck by me thru a lot of crap, so that has to mean something. He could have left years ago if he wanted to, but he's still here. Maybe only for our daughter, who knows. But I think if I can fix "me" then I can also fix "us." At least I hope so.

How long should I wait to ask him again - or should I even bother? Should I just continue working on my own issues and put the marriage as #2 for a while? What do you think?

I think in general one needs to (try to) understand WHY someone does what they do. Does he think that counseling is "childish" or otherwise demeaning? Is that what he has "learned"? He needs to be enough convinced that it is possible that it is better than what he anticipates, that it is a genuine and serious activity, carried on by responsible adults (if that is true).

Yep, I agree with patchy... Can you ask him why he doesn't want to go along with you?

If he is laughing it off then that would suggest that he is nervous about going... Maybe he thinks that he will be blamed or something like that. If you can tell him that it is more about his supporting you and helping you feel supported then he might be more inclined to take a risk and come along :-)

Well Raz,

As a man I think he is feeling uncomfortable going to your counselor because in the majority of cases it leads to the man being blamed or told he is the problem. Facing that is a monumental step for a man. I don't think it is always the man that is the problem, although I know how difficult we can be to live with, but we are usually brought into the situation and even if we are not blamed right out we are always suspect that we will be somehow the cause of the problem or at least not sympathetic to our wife.

It will take a brave man emotionally to go with you, I know i would be hesitant. We men are resistant to any weakness and we perceive counseling to be for weak people . Right or wrong that is the way the majority of men see it. No man wants to be told that his marriage is dysfunctional or his wife is a mental wreck.
We have our ego to think about.

If it was me, I would go but then again I am always up for a challenge. He needs to look at it in those terms and examine himself. Can he stand up to the responsibility of his part in your treatment? He may not be ready to face that.
I wish you good luck in your journey and hope that he will eventually respond.

Have a great day.

(((((Razzleberry))))) I’m so sorry, I can’t even begin to imagine how you feel right now. Could he be perhaps staying because in this condition you need him, and when you recover you won’t? Is he worried that his own issues may be revealed?

That he joked about it… perhaps I’m projecting but WOW that’s low. Or is that his defense mechanism? You still have a couple of days. Is it possible to let him know how important this is for YOU and your marriage, that its serious and that you wish that he would come if only to support you. I’d talk to him again right away. Let him know how much it hurt you that he belittled what you are trying to do. Not in attack mode, but as a wife asking for help from her husband.

If you communicate how very important this is to you, and he still refuses, I think the only thing that you can do is take care of yourself and your issues. I so hope he decides to go.

Razzleberry, I hope you will go for marriage counseling even if your H won't accompany you. After about 12 years of marriage, I asked my H is he would go to marriage counseling but he didn't want to. I took that to mean that he thought our relationship was just fine the way it was and that we had no problems. I felt the marriage was slipping away from us, but I let his refusal to do counseling reassure me that things were fine. This was such a mistake. What I didn't know then, was that a person can work on a relationship on their own, with a counselor. I wish I had seen a marriage counselor alone even if he wouldn't come. But I just dropped it and sought no help. I had no desire to blame him. I just wanted to stop the marriage from sliding and save our relationship. I urge you not to give up! My marriage is ending in divorce, after over 20 years together. I wish I had tried harder back then and pushed him more to seek help with me. Or at least sought help on my own. Maybe I just gave up. Things did not get better on their own.

I hope you will seek counseling on your own with a family or marriage therapist to work on this issue. I wonder could your H be confused about the purpose of the visit to the nurse? Is it for advice on your behavior as relates to meds? Or is it couples counseling? He might also be reluctant to go to the nurse for couples counseling as you have a prior relationship with her. Maybe if you both started together with a family therapist that neither of you know, it would be easier for him. A lot of problems in marriages can be solved by better communication. Maybe if you suggested that the couples therapist would help with communication skills, it would seem less intimidating.

Good luck.

What exactly did he say?

I would still go for counseling myself.

(((((((((Razzleberry)))))))))))))) I'm sorry he won't go with you. I'd definitely keep working on yourself though. Perhaps in time, as he sees you change, he will desire that for himself. At any rate, you will grow and heal.

I'm really sorry he doesn't want to go. My husband only went once, after a "s.i." episode, and that was to tell the doc to tell me not to do it again.

I'd just let it go to the back burner, its really up to you. I think working on yourself first is so much more important, as you said, then the marriage.

Take care,
Dee

Pooey (technical term :rotfl) on husbands who won't go to counseling.

I'm married to one.

If I force him, he misrepresents things, so there is never any progress.

you keep going as you have without him - he is afraid to go right now for whatever reason ( only he knows).

peace and love,
night

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wanttoheal said:
(((((((((Razzleberry)))))))))))))) I'm sorry he won't go with you. I'd definitely keep working on yourself though. Perhaps in time, as he sees you change, he will desire that for himself. At any rate, you will grow and heal.


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nightbird said:


you keep going as you have without him - he is afraid to go right now for whatever reason ( only he knows).

peace and love,
night

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Hate to say it most men say no. Don't you dare take responsibility for you needing to be fixed. It takes two trust me. My husband thinks I am the only one who needs to be fixed and he can say whatever he wants but can't take what I dish back. You are trying. What is he doing to preserve the relationship. Recently, I thought my husband was staying with me for the 5 kids in our home. 2 his, 2 mine and one ours. But tonight, his true colors showed after 4 years, he insulted my twins and when I said something about his son (all have mental/neurological problems), he couldn't take it. Especially with the new baby, she is only five months, but it has become so clear, he didn't want her. We had a whole plan mapped out and now he doesn't want her or me. He says if I change our relationship will be great, it's all b.s. The other party bears some responsibility no matter what. I hate to rain on your parade and am not intentionally trying to discourage you, but men are a different breed and though there must some good ones somewhere there are far and few between. I know this may not help, but I would rather offer you my honest opinion that give you a line and mislead you.

How are things going Razzleberry?

He he...not well, see my posts in general, and yes this is related.

I put my ring and the movie The Bachelor in my fire safe, along with a 3 page letter I wrote in the E.R. to him. I gave him the key and told him to open it when he is ready to talk.

We just talked for about 3 hours. Things are much better, but yes, he is VERY hard to get thru to. Part of my issues with him from the beginning. He has not spoken to any of his family members in over 15 years. I do not, and will not ever, know why. My gut says abuse, although he denies it every time I ask.

His mother was Bipolar, his oldest brother is Schizophrenic, and his only sister has never married and is morbidly obese. He was the middle child. There is a younger brother who he has never met, and when that brother and the mother were in a car accident 10 years ago, someone went to my husband's grocery store to ask him to come to the hospital. He LAUGHED at them.

But before you say he's just an a-hole: Watch a few epidsodes of MASH, especially the final episode.

My husband IS Hawkeye. And Radar. He dressed up as Radar for Halloween at the office our first year together, which just so happens to be my birthday. I turned 20. Everyone in the office called him Radar, he was the mail boy, the office gopher, everythig Radar did he did, and he had Radar's sense of saying stuff before it was said. He even looks a hell-of-a-lot like him.

But psychologically...he is Hawkeye.

The shrink is Sigmund Freud (like they couldn't hide it with a better name...)

I..am nurse Baker!

Oh and we are also Ross & Rachel from Friends. Again, watch the last episode, we will get there some day. My life long dream has always been to go to Paris someday. And yes...we are likely to get a divorce and split custody of our child...

WHO WOULD BE NAMED EMMA

If it werent' for that show and the fact that Emma was the #1 name that year and I didn't want her to be known by her last name because we have a HORRENDOUSLY long German last name that I honestly hate and want to go back to my maiden name so hell, might as well get divorced just for that reason.

I need to stop so I can read the "what to bring - what not to bring" list and pack. It is now 2 AM and we're leaving in the morning, whenever my husband has had enough sleep (he just went to bed) to drive to an airport on the way to Arizona.

See my siggy.

Goodbye for a while

Someone tell Gordian Knot that I would like him to get in contact with my husband (soon-to-be ex) somehow, someday, maybe not now but when things settle down for both of them. And yes...gordian...your story inspired me to end the affair and get help.

((((((((((((((Razzleberry))))))))))))) best of luck to you and yours.