Live-in boyfriend refuses to marry me :(

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years, and have lived together for our entire relationship. I had just lost a room mate and he was falling out with his family, so it was convenient for both of us to move in together. In the beginning of our relationship, marriage was mentioned, by him, so I naturally assumed that this relationship would continue on to marriage, and didn't feel like it was a mistake moving in together.

However, I have been bringing up the idea of marriage for a few months, and he now says that he doesn't believe in marriage as an institution, doesn't believe that marriage is necessary if two people truly love each other, feels that it "traps" two people together, and simply isn't ready in his life to be "that committed" to anyone.

He feels that our relationship is very committed, but I feel that if he were serious about me and continuing our relationship, he would want to get married to me. I asked him to marry me and his basic response was "Give me ten years or more to think about it". He wants to go back to school (which I totally support, but could be six or seven years, or more), and wants to travel after school and doesn't feel that he will be ready for marriage until he is about 35 (he is 25 now, I am 27), and that by then his views of marriage may have changed in a positive way.

We have also discussed children (which I want to have two) and he says he doesn't really want to have children at all, and won't have children until he has a career and substantial income, which is responsible, but I'm not getting any younger. I know that a lot of people have fertility issues and the rate of birth defects increases with age... I worry I will never be able to have kids if I wait for him to be ready.

At this point, I don't know if I should continue the relationship or tell him I want to break up. I am extremely hurt by his rejection of marriage, though he says he still wants to be with me. Our relationship is pretty good, I'd say the best I've ever had, and I don't think he's perfect, I see his flaws and he sees mine, and we accept each other. But this is too hard for me to handle. I've been avoiding him for days (which is pretty hard since we live and work together). I feel like I need some time away from him to sort out my thoughts, but I still don't know what to do about the situation.

I see marriage as a statement to your society that you choose to be with this person, and ask for public witness and acceptance of this. It is also a time to make vows to your partner, a code of conduct, promises of how you will treat your partner and handle problems together. It is a time to celebrate your union with family and friends. A most of all, the ultimate commitment made between people who choose to make a life together, sharing a home and raising children. These are the things that I want marriage to be, and it hurts me that he doesn't want the same thing.

So here's my dilemma; If I stay, it will be settling for no marriage and possibly no kids. If I go, I lose everything good about this relationship, and have to find somewhere else to live, and am still no where closer to marriage and children, as I will be alone.

What should I do? I need help, as mulling it over all week has not gotten me anywhere!

Its going to be as hard to hear this as it is hard for me to say it, but honey you need to move on. You want so many different things. Kids and marriage are something we don't easily change our mind about, and if we do, it will be a bit regret.

I'm sorry I had to say that.

Take care,
Dee

my hubby and I lived together for 11 months and his family told him if she's good enough to live with make an honest woman of her, and we've been married 30+ years
seems like he wants the milk but not the cow, honey you can do much better, give him an ultimatum, if this is a true relationship, he will commit, if not let him go and find someone worthy of you

Hi,
As a man "trapped" for 35 years in marriage I say let this man go and move on with your life. You are young and can start over. What you don't need is a narcissistic man masquerading as a committed man. If he was he wouldn't put up resistance to marriage. He doesn't really want kids and the kind of future you envision so, kick him to the curb and get on with living.

Good luck to you.

In our relationships we have to decide what we are willing to accept about our mates and what we aren't willing to accept because it may go against our own wants and needs. We don't always see eye to eye on marriage, children, education etc etc. Giving in to someone else's dreams and ideas while putting our own concepts on the back burner can be a double edges sword.

I think in your case, you must consider the ramifications of what would happen down the road if you were to agree to stay and to get married and not have children until or even if he is ready to do so. Many times, in order to hold onto something we feel we want and need, we placate ourselves and think, oh in time he'll come around to my way of thinking...i can work on him little by little and he'll do it.....and then you find out years later that all your cajoling and subtle manipulation to get what you want doesn't work and you are in a hugely difficult relationship and situation. The feelings of hurt, the anger can become so great that lashing out is the only thing you can do.

I think it's important to ask yourself if you are truly in love with this man or are you in love with the idea of what you could have together according to your own plan? If you believe that you can live with his idea of how your relationship should go, are you prepared to be disappointed if he never wants to marry or have children? These seem to be dreams that you hold very dear to you. And you have every right to pursue your dreams as you see fit.

If you see fit to end the relationship because of the difference in ideas and dreams of where your lives should go, then I believe it will open doors for you to pursue other avenues, meet other men and find the one that is more in tune with your lifestyle choices. There has to be a meeting of the minds/hearts/souls to accomplish the lifestyle that you both want. It doesn't seem like either of you have that right now. Is it possible to gain that? Very possibly yes, but it is also a very real possibility that one of you will end up giving in to the other more than what you really want to and hard feelings will arise somewhere down the road.

I don't envy you in your situation right now. It certainly can be scary having the prospect of things not working out between you. I think it's important to understand too that even if things don't work out....your relationship has been a stepping stone and learning experience. Not all bad....and much you can take with you if you decide to move on at some point. In other words, you can take something that didn't work and turn it into a positive to grow on and from

I wish you both well and hope you find your answers soon. Listen to your gut....it doesn't fail you


sabby

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ihadthisdream said:
and simply isn't ready in his life to be "that committed" to anyone.

I feel that if he were serious about me and continuing our relationship, he would want to get married to me.

We have also discussed children (which I want to have two) and he says he doesn't really want to have children at all, and won't have children until he has a career and substantial income,

What should I do? I need help, as mulling it over all week has not gotten me anywhere!

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IMO - I say IF you truly love him - then wait and stop with the pressure of marriage....... as many males are not near as ready to get married yearly in life as many females are, but give him some time, support and unconditional love and IF he truly loves you he will come around and want to marry and have children - IN TIME.

Now as for why he is not wanting to get married at this moment........ just read the first sentence above in your quote - I think you answered that question your self when you said: he is not ready to be that committed to anyone - that is WHY your bf is not jumping thru hoops to get married...... but that does not meant that he will never marry - he just needs to be ready, as do both parties or the marriage could fail.

BTW - I know two young couples that lived together for years (even had kids together) before they finally tied the knot - one couple was together for 10 years and the other couple was together for 20 years with three kids before they married...... they just enjoyed all the benefits with out the RING for many years in LoVe.

He sounds immature. You are not in a position of power because you are dependent on him financially. If you can get your own place away from him, you can make him work harder to be with you. Or move on.

I wouldn't recommend living with a guy if what you want is to be married. It sounds trite, but you need to value yourself. You need someone who is willing to treat you like a lady.

IMHO, he is still quite immature! I would tell him that I will be back when he is 35 yrs old or so...
Lily

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sarahlilianne said:
IMHO, he is still quite immature! I would tell him that I will be back when he is 35 yrs old or so...

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I agree.....

............ and I often tell my nieces that are around 23-25 years old to not get to serious over a man or expect him to settle down until he is at least 30 years old.

To me, 10 years is way too long to think about it.

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BalishBun said:
To me, 10 years is way too long to think about it.

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I understand...... and most females probably agree with you - but to some men that is perfect timing.

(((((ihadthisdream))))) Relationships are all about compromise, but if you’re the only one giving in, you’re not partners. It sounds like a bait and switch to me. What happens if you wait the 10 years and he decides he still doesn’t want marriage or children? He’s asking you to give up an awful lot on a maybe, what is he giving up? It sounds like you need to do some serious soul searching and decide what is important to you. Once you decide, don’t give him an ultimatum, but lay it on the line for him, tell him what you need from the relationship to continue in it. If you’re heading in different directions, even marriage won’t save this relationship.

I don't know. It sounds like marriage means different things to each of you. People are having children later and later all the time. The stats change from age 35 but technologies are getting better and better and it isn't uncommon for women to be having children up around the age of 40.

Could you have relationship counseling at all? In terms of discussing what you want in life and whether you can see making compromises in order to stay together? It would seem a shame to give up on this so soon without giving that a shot first. I'm not quite sure what to say.

I have sympathy for the not getting married idea. That being said, something in the way of commitment can be important. I think I might be interested in getting a civil union instead of having a wedding... Not sure... Hang in there.