another schiz

Hi,
I've been diagnosed schizoid pd. I have just joined this group tonight. I would love to speak with others particularly those with the same pd, or any pd.
I have read a lot now. Schizoid pds arent all as the official criteria describes us. Some are emotional and sociable. My problem is I go in with open arms, then get horrified half way in. In fact that has just happened to me, I joined a group for something else and wouldnt comply exactly as the organiser wanted, I was honest and refused to be sychophantic, as I saw it, anyway. But these things get me in trouble and I can end up feeling lonely, isolated and heroic, but its no fun feeling heroic and right and completely cosmically isolated from the rest of the human race.

All responses and comments and support really needed and welcome.

from riverX ps, love the icons, couldn t quite work out how to make them work.

Hi and Welcome!

That is kind of confusing if you are emotional and sociable, ..... was wondering how you came to be diagnosed schizoid...

Well, I hope you find this place helpful and maybe make a friend or two or three... ..

oh, BTW(by the way).... this particular forum is not one of the more active ones..... if you would like many responses there is a forum up towards the top... above the "General" forum where newbies go to introduce themselves... that's only if you want to go there though-- this is fine too.

Welcome again!

mandy

Thank you for that Mandy, and for the information.
I could explain all about the schiz. diagnosis, it involves a group of Ts who have come up with a new theory about this disorder, and then I started reading and I agree, what they say describes my experience. If you are interested I could tell you more, if you like?
What about you, why are you here...... this cyber thing is new to me, I'm imagining being in a room and you're the only one I manage to talk to and feel grateful and insecure. I've often been in that situation, alone in a crowd, thats a more obvious schiz side of me. I want to rename it 'self in Exile disorder'!

( : ) River

Hi RiverX,

I'm interested in what you've got to say, too. How do you know you don't have social anxiety disorder or avoidant personality disorder? I feel much the same as what you've described, but my pdoc insists I'm just seriously avoidant. What have you learned about schizoid personality that's new and different?

Hi, great that youre interested, because I find it all deeply fascinating.
Ok, this is what I have been reading: Ralph Klein, who is part of the Masterson organisation, Masterson wrote 'The Search for the Real Self'', someone else here mentioned that book ?? Winter Rose, I'm not sure, who, I read so much when I first found this place. Here's a quote that illustrates a bit what these guys say:
Re schizoids:
"they long to be attached , to be in relationships with others and to recieve the affirmation, acknowledgement, and approval of which they were deprived. However, this longing evokes an intense anxiety about being in danger of being appropriated, used, and discarded as they were by thier original caretakers. The only way to control their anxiety, to feel safe is to withdraw internally as well as externally" qoute from 'Disorders of the Self, New therapuetic Horizons' by Klein and Masterson.

Even all that isnt exactly accurate to me, at least not in a simplistic way, but, in a round about way, the basic issues do indeed apply to me.

See what you think so far. Its after midnight here, so I'm off to bed, should have gone earlier, but this cyber world takes me out of my world and realistic sensible behaviour, (have to watch that).

Warm wishes, River.

I read somewhere recently that there's debate over whether schizoids do or don't crave relationships. According to DSM-IV, a schizoid "neither desires nor enjoys close relationships, including being part of a family." If they do away with that item, I don't really understand where avoidant leaves off and schizoid begins. Avoidants also experience extreme anxiety about acceptance and rejection.

The reason I think I'm schizoid, as opposed to avoidant, is that I spend so much time in daydreams and fantasy. Not sure that's a determining factor, though.

What else do they have to say on the topic?

(Please forgive the disjointedness of my writing, but my meds were recently increased and they leave my head foggy)

It's interesting that a group of Ts have come up with a new theory. It does sound like they changed it a bit.......

In answer to your question: I am here as I struggle with relationships and other things-- like quitting everything I start--college(way back when)hobbies and jobs.

I so understand that feeling of being alone in a crowded room. The youngest from a large messed up family(didn't attach to mother as an infant)... I have always felt invisible in crowds... .... would like to feel different but I haven't figured out how... as I get so anxious the more people that notice me..... it's quite the quandry!

But you see.... there seem to be blurred lines as to disorders.... .... I think I am "almost everything- personality disorder"..... as I fit in just about all of them in one way or another.... (except anti-social... I do have remorse-- a very strong conscience)various T's have told me-- avoidant(i fear rejection to the point where I won't even try for fear of it), borderline(i dissociate and can feel very close to someone and then push them away in my 3-D life) and schizotypal(ideas of reference-- so I've been told, paranoia)...I just don't know....

thanks for sharing more info-- I like to learn as much as I can. and also thanks for replying.

mandy

Thanks Mandy and Cheri,
Thanks for these answers. I will tell you all I can in this space, but I've read several chapters so, couldnt regurgitate it all.
But, one important thing that I believe is that what needs to happen is that we start taking it out of the T.s hands and into our own. Not irresponsibly, but in this sense, its our expereince that matters and how we seek to heal. The Ts have done great work and it is through them that I have gained this understanding of myself.

iiiiin AA, like how the alcoholics have recovered from near fatal encounters with booze, they say 'you're an alcoholic if you say you are', they identify by the experience and the desire to get well, and it seems to work for them.

My comp is siezing up and gets stuck so I'll stop and post this.

These Ts talk about 'intrapsychic structure', and as I understand this, its the underlying inlaid emotional response to self and others (the way of relating), that is the common identifying factor. So, wether one is a bit left of centre, a bit more this or less that, is not so important, theres some specific underlying factors, even though the behaviour can be varied.
And that is what I think is useful for healing, this common understanding, (the comp freed itself up again). I'll try to get some help with my comp, and say some more later if you'd like.

I'd love to talk more about all those difficulties with relationships, which, of course, I also have, but maybe leave it till next time.
Wanted to put some smileys in, but I cant do it!! I'm technically challenged frequently!!
warm regards,
River.x

Hi RiverX, Mandy, Cheri,

I've also been diagnosed with schizoid personality disorder. I came across PC while looking up stuff about the disorder. Mandy, you said you never bonded with your mother? Neither did I. Though I can't say my family is messed up; they're pretty much the norm. I'm third oldest of eight.

Once my psychiatrist told me i had SPD and gave me some literature about it, suddenly everything fell into place. The reason why I was the one teased and tormented throughout elementary and high school; why after only a few words I can't continue a conversation; why I never really wanted a relationship; why a lot of things, I guess.

Regards,
MS

Hi MS,
Thanks for your reply. I'd be interested to know what was the onfo your psych gave you, also, how do you feel now? I mean do you feel troubled by how things are for you? As for me, I am discontent, I have much unfulfilledness in my life.
I also felt a huge experience of things falling into place, when I was diagnosed, and also looking back all through my life, and lately, I've also been considering family and all that.
Do you know what a pdoc is?

RiverX

Hi RiverX,
My psychiatrist showed me some info in her books that described schizoid personality disorder. She also encouraged me to research it on the internet. We both agreed it fit me perfectly.

As far as how do I feel about it? Well, some relief, for two reasons. First, it explained why I never fit in anywhere, including my own family to a large extent. Everyone in my family is very outgoing and gregarious except me. Also, in some true crime books I've read, I heard about some personality disorders common to some murderers. I was grateful that if I must have a personality disorder, that it isn't something destructive to me or to other people

I'm rather content with the way things are. I work in a field where I don't have to much deal with people. Better yet, I work hours (3 to 11 pm) that even further reduces contact with a lot of people. My coworkers might now and then engage in some chit-chat, but I usually just stick to what I'm working on.

A pdoc? The only thing that comes to mind is a Post Doctoral student. Perhaps you can give some context in which you heard it?

I hope you can find some measure of peace and contentment.

Regards,
MS

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
RiverX said:
Hi MS,
Thanks for your reply. I'd be interested to know what was the onfo your psych gave you, also, how do you feel now? I mean do you feel troubled by how things are for you? As for me, I am discontent, I have much unfulfilleness in my life.
I also felt a huge experience of things falling into place, when I was diagnosed, and also looking back all through my life, and lately, I've also been considering family and all that.
Do you know what a pdoc is?

RiverX


</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

A pdoc is short for psych doc, or psychaiatrist

Hope this is OK RiverX--- going a bit off topic here to reply to MotherSuperior.

You said: </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Mandy, you said you never bonded with your mother? Neither did I. Though I can't say my family is messed up; they're pretty much the norm. I'm third oldest of eight.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> I think not having that infant/toddler bond with a mother or mother figure-- can be a big ingredient in developing a personality disorder. at least--IMO.(in my opinion)
I struggle so so much to make "connections" with others.... sometimes it's so hard, I feel like giving up and do quite often ..... It seems people don't usually understand me -- I'm not so good at expressing myself properly. Sometimes what I want to say gets mixed up from my brain to over where it is expressed

It's good that you had a "safe" place at home --- so sorry you had to deal with torment at school though. i can understand how that can cause someone to not want relationships.
Strange how-- school for me was safer than home-- did get jumped once(in middle school- junior high school), poked with stick pins(from a drug dealer in high school)-- but- home was a worse place for me. I wanted to go to school and LOVED the food there-- I ate a full balanced meal-- every day! Almost all my siblings struggle with disorders and or addictions-- one though has passed away, due in the end, to self-neglect.

It's good to hear from you and everyone else too!

mandy

to Rainbowzz
re pdoc

Thank you, I thought it must be something like that. I love these new local language words.

river.

Hi Mandy,

You're right, bonding with one's mother is very important. I have to admit, though, that it was not my mother's fault. It was my fault. I chose not to bond; I didn't want to. My mother was so concerned about my aloofness that she sent me to a child psychologist when I was in first grade. She went too, because she thought she was doing something wrong. So I think I failed to bond because I had the makings of a schizoid even at that early age.

I'm glad school was a safe haven for you. A lot of time is spent there, so it's good that you could find some refuge there.

Regards,
MS

Same here. I didn't know what a pdoc was. Some kind of Microsoft Attachment???

Regards,
MS

<font color="#000088">I've never heard of a Therapist doing the diagnosing of patients, just the PDocs (Psychiatrists)diagnose mental illnesses and personality disorders. At least where I'm from. I found that interesting, and a bit confusing that a patient could diagnose themself by reading about an illness in books that other T's wrote.</font>

Well, yeah, therapists do diagnose. A lot of people try to self-diagnose too, but that doesn't tend to make therapists very happy. I've had classes and training in diagnosing mental illnesses, but my therapist still gets mad at me for diagnosing myself all the time. I tend to collect diagnoses though, and that's not very good. That's not the same as MS looking through the books with her pdoc and learning about the diagnosis together. One thing about personality disorders is that the person who has the personality disorder tends not to see it as a problem so much as other people who try to interact with someone who has a personality disorder. We (those who have personality disorders) just are that way. That's why a lot of people with personality disorders aren't looking for treatment unless it gets them into trouble, or maybe if they develop depression or anxiety symptoms too. MS, if you're fine with not needing to interact much, and it isn't driving your family nuts that you don't need to interact with them a lot, and it's not causing problems for you or anyone else, then maybe the way things are is just fine.

Hi Justice,
Hey I just noticed the qoute from your Dad, 'you can do anything you want', well, I guess that must mean also diagnose yourself with a pd! : )

How it happened was I had been searching all my life to find out what was wrong with me. Why these fantasies, some so, so dark? why always feeling a misfit? why my life failing progressively, why s+l addiction which was seemingly much darker than others/?? and etc Then I found something to read about pds and within minutes I had my answer. You know - 'ghasp! you just know when you know, sort of thing.

Why its a T not a pdoc is that its a T with a specific training, her organisation specialises in treating pds. But other than that, yeah, I think its usually pdocs who diagnose that sort of thing. Ive continued to read and learn.

Wishing you well tonight. Where are you from?? I'm in London. I think most of you guys are in USA .

River.x

Hi Rapunzel,
I found that really interesting, and useful what you said, because I had been in recovery in the fellowhips for 12 years before finding out about pd, I was only used to self diagnosing, and the experience of being told by someone else what I was was a total wierd out experience, I was fascinated and triggered by it too! , and I found it funny in a strange way. All I had known was people listening to eachother and realising, - 'yes, I'm an alcoholic', or - 'I'm a sex and love addict', I had never needed to be told any of it. So, when I got to therapy with this US T. over the phone, I was deeply thrown off balance to say the least when she 'told' me things, like she knew better than me. In fact it felt totally crazy making, and I felt more and more unwell. Now, I think I'm piecing together what has been happeing, reading here and I think I'm getting more understanding. She felt it was her job to know more than me, and for me, it felt like she was always trying to be in power and run off with the informational lead. And so, the only thing that I felt that was of value that I had was my recovery, and my understanding and my lifeling willingness to search and search for the truth, and then she comes along (well, ok, I came to her), and seems to want to make me helpless and take over from me. And I got so triggered and inside I was complying with her or wanting too and feeling crazy, and paralysed and obsessed by trying to be seen and heard by her before I became totally drained of all value and have sold my soul in my attempt to get the recognition I longef for from her.
Yet I loved her, she understood me with warmth and resonance In my experiences with the pd, in this she understood like no one else had ever.

I feel very emotional, now, I appreciate having been able to share this and for you 'listening'. I have been able to express this now, in a way I havent been able to before. Thank you so much. I hope some of it made sense.
I'd love to hear more from you, or anyone here.

River.x

Hi, I'm Jessica, and I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I sympathize with feeling lonely and isolated with people, that is actually my main complaint. I think I'm a good person, fun to be around, but sometimes the complexities of socializing with other people are hard to understand. I am actually really glad I found this place, and I hope you stay on here, because I think you will find people on here to be pretty nice.

Hi Jessica,
Thank you. Actually, I'm amazed by this place. Its like socialising, but different, as you say. Here people respond to vulnerability, and seem so kind, reading some of the interactions.
Only, I tend to stay up far too late at night, its kind of so engrossing.
Yeah, socialising, I have felt so much pain from rejection in my time. And then theres things I do which I know I need to change.

RiverX

<font color="#000088">
Rapunzel,thanks for letting me know that Therapists could diagnose as well,I didn't know that.I appreciate you letting me know,and I know that you know where I live,so you'ld know if they did where I'm from! Thanks again!
J</font>

Justice: Wow, I feel shocked and hurt by what seems to be your sarcasm.
If you are saying 'I misunderstood your dad and am running around like an out of control person....' MY GOODNESS, so thats what you think!

Please speak to me respectfully, or not at all.

Thank you.

River.x

<font color="#000088">I'm sorry if you took it that way.I didn't mean that it was saying that you personally were running out of control,I'm sorry if it sounded that way.I was just using that example in general,of any person just running out of control,and doing what they want.I didn't mean you personally,so I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings.I was just trying to explain the true meaning of the quote. But I apoligize if I hurt your feelings,it wasn't intentional.
J</font>