I realize now that I have suspicions that undermine progress at times.

I've learned since a wee small one,(and into adulthood) that others in a caring position are NOT to be trusted-- they will be sneaky and hurt and then deny all.............

So, here i'm all grown up-- and I've recently become aware that I question (in my mind-- paranoia, I guess)) others motive's (In my 3-d life).... just what is "up their sleeve"???? well, I just started back with therapy, a new therapist, and I find those suspicions there too.

The last session, I'd talked about how in every relationship I've been in (mother/daughter, father/daughter, sister/sister, husband/wife), I get pushed aside..... it's complicated, but I did give her a history of it -- as she sat in disbelief at how I held my temper through such situations.
Then, the following day, after our session...... she calls, telling me she has to reschedule our next session as something has come up outside of her work and she regrets she can't make it to meet me at our set time.

All right!! now how coincidental can it get?? The very next day-- after divulging all that!! she can't make our set time??? is this a "head game"???? does she REALLY have something that came up? or is she trying to see how I cope with adversity???

this is why therapy is so hard for me...... my mom always played "head games" with me and others.... I hated that!!

When one finds it hard to not be suspicious, how can one put down their guard?
I guess I'll go at the new time, on Tuesday, and see how it goes........

thanks--- just had to vent a bit...... so many other struggles...... had to let this confusion out of my head.....

mandy

[Fuzzybear]

mandy

[Rapunzel]

Mandy, tell her how you felt about the rescheduling, ok? I'm sure she really did need to reschedule, and wasn't playing head games, but it is significant that you felt it the way that you did, and a perfect example of how those suspicions affect you. It is something that can be processed and worked through, and will be an opportunity for you to break it down and understand how that pattern is working.

[pachyderm]

> When one finds it hard to not be suspicious, how can one put down their guard?

Don't put it down. Test the situation until you feel you can reasonably trust it. One step at a time. If you have been tricked in the past, I don't think it is up to you to trust at the command of others.

[lauren_helene]

Mandy this is exactly what I am going through. I have often felt as if my T has tested me like that.

For example, I know he sees people sometimes twice in one day or twice a week. I've heard the scheduling when I'm waiting for an appointment.

I try to remember that I have no idea what his patients are going through and will never know why he does that for them and not me. I feel I need a safer environment with him and plan to talk to him about this wednesday.

My point is you'll never know if she did that as a therapy intervention or if she was really unable to make it. So, the only choice to go with is the positive one. Talk to her about it and tell her how it made you feel.

If you ask her if she did that as an intervention, she won't tell you or I doubt she will confirm that. This is the hardest part of therapy for me, the ambiguity, the pouring out of my heart one session and having him detached the next session or business-like.

It all just hurts so much and sometimes it is unbearable to continue somehow I do that though...I ramble on. You will too!

Thank you Fuzzy.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Mandy, tell her how you felt about the rescheduling, ok?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> *gulp*.... can I do that??? ..... seems that presents me as quite vulnerable then--- stomach turns at the very thought.

You think it's significant? hmmmmmm.... maybe.... yeah, I guess it could be.

You make it sound so easy and matter of fact-- it's going to be tough though.

thank you, as always, for your insight and support

mandy

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Test the situation until you feel you can reasonably trust it. One step at a time. If you have been tricked in the past, I don't think it is up to you to trust at the command of others.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Yes, that makes very good sense to me, but then your posts always make sense to me. The way you make it sound--- "I" have the power-- NOT someone else.... I like that.

thanks pachyderm

mandy

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Mandy this is exactly what I am going through

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Oh, I DO feel for you. this is so awful feeling this way-- I so so want to feel someone has my best interest at heart- but-- well, it's not so easy for me to be convinced.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
For example, I know he sees people sometimes twice in one day or twice a week. I've heard the scheduling when I'm waiting for an appointment

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Yep, that is just what I did with the former psychologist I'd seen.... it's so upsetting, isn't it.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I feel I need a safer environment with him and plan to talk to him about this wednesday.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> OH! this is big for you, I bet! I wish for you that it goes well-- please let me know- k?

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
It all just hurts so much and sometimes it is unbearable to continue somehow I do that though...I ramble on.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Yes, it does hurt and is so scary for me. Been hurt so so much, I dearly feel if I'm betrayed anymore I will do something drastic.
It's good that you continue through the struggle... I admire you for that. I seem to only take so much and then I flee-- I can't do that this time-- I've made a deal with myself that this is THE last T. for me, if I can't get beyond my struggles this time....... think I'll surrender.

Thank you almeda24fan, I hope all goes well for you on Wednesday.

mandy

[RiverX]

Oh, Jesus, Mandy, welcome back anyway. This is what blew me out of the water with therapy.

I dont hear that she said something like:

" Mandy, this is going to be a tough one considering what we were talking about last time......... but I'm going to have to alter our apt, we can talk about it then, and i'm sorry".

Another thing, at the risk of making myself disliked, ......... was there by any chance some hidden internal heat-seeking magnet that drew you to someone who was going to do something like that?

I mean, we need to be challenged, but in a straight forward way, not crazy-making - sneaky like that. That is the kind of thing that happened to me with the Ts in the US. In contrast, the other ones I've found are to too nice, the fluffy sort dont do it for me either.
But we shouldnt put up with this countertransference b.s. , -then they say we do the countertransference. Go for it Mandy, show her what you'r made of, tell her if she has to cancel, you expect her to do so with sensitivity and respect, as you would do for her if the positions were reversed, as how you would treat someone in a sensitive position.

Ok, then come back and coach me to do the same! : )

We have to take a stand, its not enough to explain how you felt, we have to insist, ......... its just not good enough them doing this kind of thing. God, I can see it so clearly now when this happens to someone else.
love, river.

[lauren_helene]

River you bring up an interesting point. How do we know when our T's are giving us countertransference? I read recently that distortions in therapy are a direct result of countertransference.

T's don't regularly admit to this do they? Often I will think I've seen something in T and he tells me I'm wrong but then sometimes apologizes anyway....hhhhm?

Hi River!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I dont hear that she said something like:

" Mandy, this is going to be a tough one considering what we were talking about last time......... but I'm going to have to alter our apt, we can talk about it then, and i'm sorry".

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Well, she didn't exactly say that, no. She said she was sorry that she had to change the appointment- but didn't reference our last session at all.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
was there by any chance some hidden internal heat-seeking magnet that drew you to someone who was going to do something like that?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> well, I did try my mind reading skills and seeing into the future skills-- but they seemed to have failed me.

I am hoping for "clumsy"..... maybe she, like every other T. I've had,... is just a bit clumsy as far as being sensitive to some clients history/inner recordings. I'm going to try my best to ignore my suspicions and hold tight to any little positive thing I can...... not easy.....

Good to see you come out of hiding!

mandy

[Rapunzel]

Therapy is largely about feelings, and how you feel about the therapy and the therapist are a big part of that. You need to use that as part of your treatment. Therapists have feelings too, and sometimes it is appropriate for them to tell you their feelings. Sometimes not. Good ones will be honest about countertransference feelings, especially when you are aware of them, and acknowledge and use that for your benefit too. The way that the therapist feels towards you is significant, positive or not, because chances are other people in your life have similar feelings when you do or say certain things, so the therapist's reaction might be a good clue to how you affect other people.

Yup, if there are feelings, in therapy, talk about them. That's what it's about. Especially when it's hard or scary. You can do this!

[RiverX]

Thanks, almeda.
Yeah, it poses some knotty questions surely!
river

[RiverX]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Good to see you come out of hiding!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Wait a minute mandy, me in hiding?? it was you who didnt answer my last communication!!

This discussion has made me think, and realise, I think I may think more differently than other humans than i realised. I always end up in the role of the rebel when i'm in a group and the one to challenge the 'authority'. Theres not so much wrong with that, but I can end up feeling very isolated.
I still need to deal with my own problem in therapy. I'd love to know how it goes with yours tho, alm and mandy.
river

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Wait a minute mandy, me in hiding?? it was you who didnt answer my last communication!!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Oops!! it was me?!?! I apologize-- I'm not so good at the social stuff. hope you didn't take it personally!

If you don't mind my opinion on this: </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I always end up in the role of the rebel when i'm in a group and the one to challenge the 'authority'.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> I'd like to ponder ---- this trait sounds quite a bit on the lines of Borderline Personality--- maybe. I have very few borderline traits... mostly avoidant and schizotypal. I don't trust authority-- but, I don't usually challenge it, I quietly just go away.(unless I'm defending someone other than me ) Feel I don't have the right to speak up.

I wish you much much luck in dealing with "your own problem in therapy"..... it sure can be a bugger, no?

I will post at a later time about what happened in my session yesterday(Tuesday)....... have company tonight though, from out of state, and so I won't have much chance to be here.

Thx for posting!

later,
mandy

[RiverX]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
<font color="#880000"> Mandy said: I quietly just go away.(unless I'm defending someone other than me ) Feel I don't have the right to speak up
</font>
Well now theres a thing!
<font color="#000088">'gentle mermaid falls into hands of ruthless T. But in the very nick of time exile comes galloping back out of exile to perform rescue operation!
</font>
but at this point, the production falls rather flat as ms fins seems to have overlooked the script and says that she'd rather stay and negotiate with the ruthless Ms T.
After which the exiled river is left with the much less promising prospect of addressing her own therapuetic stalemate.

Didnt I just do what you described...? go to someone elses defense, but not so easy to do it for myself??!

river

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Didnt I just do what you described...? go to someone elses defense, but not so easy to do it for myself??!

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Oh yeah, I see that now!! told you I'm not so good with social stuff.

So, I guess you aren't so different from me-- it's much easier to defend someone else and think of things for them to say than for myself.

Well, I didn't bring up the "suspicion" in therapy this week. I'm too afraid, as it seems that that would make me so vulnerable-- yikes! don't like vulnerable. that's how pain gets in.....
I did hear her say to the client before me(as he was leaving) that she was glad he could switch his schedule and she was sorry she had to re-arrange her schedule, so I figured she did have a REAL reason to change my session time as well.
Maybe someday I will bring up how, what others say to me has me in my mental maze of- "what did that REALLY mean?"....... ever searching for the "hidden".

Care to share about your "therapuetic stalemate", River? some here are very wise and some are very supportive and compassionate too...... we're here to listen if you want.

mandy

[RiverX]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
So, I guess you aren't so different from me-- it's much easier to defend someone else and think of things for them to say than for myself.


</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
but also, I do the other thing, the opposite, I rebel against aothority, I'm confrontative when no-one else dares, which is the flip side of the coin to submitting, then I feel aleinated from the human race, exiled in the end anyway.
And I dont do it for myself, I'm doing it for a higher principle, but get myself into pain. But, I think I'm working on not being so compulsive, having more choice. Thanks for the invitation, I'll try to address the T issue sometime, its so long and involved.

river

[_Hope_]

[mlpHolmes]

((((Hope)))) I'm so sorry you're feeling so sad.

It's a blessing to know someone like you Hope who is such a light in this world.