Narcissism and OCD

My hubby has gotten worse and worse as stress from his job and life in general add up.
He has gotten very verbally abusive towards me, and, to the point of throwing things at the wall or thru the doorway or slamming fists into the desk or temper tantrums in general.
here is the most recent tirade i have had to deal with.
#######################################################

I am sick and tired of you using me

i am sick of you de-valuing my hopes, goals, dreams, and what i want

I am sick of you lying to me

I am sick of you treating me like %#@&#!

I am sick of HAVING TO EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU

YESTERDAY YOU AGREED with me to put more money in our "going out" budget. The idea is we would work together and if we can stick to a budget we will go out more and spend more time together having fun together. we AGREED to strictly limit our going out to twice a month until our financials improved (according to the counselor - this is what i want - she is right - i EXPECT YOU TO WORK TO HELP ME ACHIEVE MY GOALS - LIKE I HAVE SACRIFICED FOR YOUR %#@&#! DOGS)

YOU were all gun ho about our new diet. so i jumped on board so we could do it together. I have to %#@&#! beg you to go on a walk with me. people are telling me how i look skinnier. this is because i am not cheating on OUR diet and I am WALKING every day. YOU are always cheating and can't find the time to go on a 35 minute walk with (or without) me. THINK ABOUT HOW THAT MAKES ME FEEL

when i came home i found out that YOU violated our diet AND our budget by going out and getting culvers

you did not work yesterday

you do not have to work this morning

but you can not even wait up for me to go on a walk and go grocery shopping together.

these last two things are what have really gotten me thinking tonight and gotten me to see how nothing has really changed

i took your dog sydney walking with me. He growled at me because he did not want to leave you in the bedroom. he growled at me again when i went to take him outside on my walk

how pathetic am i. my %#@&#! ***** wife won't spend time with me or sacrifice for me so i have to take her %#@&#! dog that doesn't like me on a walk

what a %#@&#! loser i have become

you dogs don't even like me - yet i took him with me anyway so i wouldn't be LONELY

this has knocked the %#@&#! out of me at the confidence level. if you haven't noticed then you are stupid, or you don't care, or both. you would love it if i gave up on the things i want and came down to the slower pace you want. but you refuse to acknowledge or care about how that would make me feel

add this all up
you treat me like %#@&#!

your dogs don't like me

my house is a dump

all i do at home is eat or sleep


why do you think this is desirable for me in the least???

do you get that i try to make you feel good about yourself

do you get that you do not do the same thing for me

you are selfish, selfish, selfish and i am sick of it

two nights ago, after i had run my *** off all day, our idea of a fun night was me sitting upstairs drinking and watching movies while you sat downstairs drinking and doing whatever.

don't you see how pathetic that is???

i am so sick of having a stranger in my own house.

i am looking at my calendar and trying to find days to work on the house. I just realized I WILL BE WORKING MY *** OFF to fix up the house and I bet $$$ you won't be much help

i love you and i think you love me BUT we do NOTHING TOGETHER. I try to fix that and you won't play along

the love is not enough anymore. the hurt that comes with it is too much baggage to take

it has gotten to a point where i want to stop loving you because we are obviously headed towards a divorce and it would be a lot easier if i didn't love you anymore

i keep thinking about things the counselor said. and i have decided you are full of %#@&#!

you said i wanted this litter of puppies.

YOU wanted your breeding program. then, when we need the money the most YOU want to stop working? it makes no sense. we spent thousands then you want to stop just before you taste some success from a successful liter? Yes i pointed this out to you but now somehow this litter is my idea. it is your program. this is an excuse. if i wanted this liter how come YOU kept a female out of this liter for future breedings? Who supported you when you said you wanted to keep the female. I SUPPORT YOU IN WHAT YOU WANT BUT YOU KEEP FALLING SHORT IN SUPPORTING ME. "i was too busy with the liter to go faster at the medical transcription." that is why you are now pinning the liter on me.

I am sick of it all being my fault. i figured out i make a lot more money than you EVERY YEAR. I work a lot more hours than you EVERY YEAR. I do way more for you than you do for me EVERY YEAR. I AM SICK OF YOU MAKING EVERYTHING MY FAULT.

you take zero personal responsibility

you don't ever admit you could have worked harder, done more, or gone the extra mile, or accomplished it if you really wanted to

i always take a back seat on your list of priorities. if that is not true you don't know how to show it. If i have to tell you how then it isn't genuine and it doesn't matter anymore.

if you care about me and what i want you need to learn how to show it, because i am sick of you not appreciating me

you show appreciation in what you do NOT what you say. you can not tell me you appreciate me. you have done this for 9 years and not backed it up with action

you want to buy me stuff to show appreciation. the %#@&#! you want to buy me is cheap %#@&#! i don't want. it goes against MY goals of financial independence. plus you use my money to buy useless %#@&#! i don't want anyway because you income continues to not reach the goals we set together

I have worked damn hard for 9 years now and my work has helped you to make your dog program come true. how hard have you worked for my dreams??? you haven't. i don't care what you say....you haven't

You used me, you continue to use me, and its my fault for letting it happen

you always tell me i am too trusting of a person and people are going to use me. i had no idea it was you i had to look out for

for the longest time i have had to beg you to sleep upstairs with me on my off days.

if you want to sleep downstairs that is ok, go for it

i do not trust you anymore because you continue to lie to me. you say or agree to one thing and do something different. that is lying.

maybe you should stay away from me.

when you are close and nice to me i start to trust you again - then when i think things are going well you lie to me again or hurt me, or do the crap you do

sleep downstairs i don't care anymore - i have had it

how messed up are you that sleeping upstairs with me was ever an issue in the first place

you have never apologized for your %#@&#!, made it better, or gotten over it

i am sick of living like this

i changed my mind IT IS NOT OK FOR YOU TO CLAIM YOU ARE THE VICTIM OF SOME KIND OF ABUSE AND NOT TELL ME WHAT IT IS

that is WRONG

the problem is i don't want to know what happened anymore. i think you are full of %#@&#!

i am sure something happened to you

but i see people EVERY DAY and bad %#@&#! happens to them

get over it

it is no excuse for you to be a %#@&#! person anymore

this is partially my fault for letting you get away with it

YOU have chosen to make it an excuse to hurt people who care about and in general just be a %#@&#! person

you love your dogs. you love them more than you love me. this is because you are incapable of doing it any other way. the dogs are safe. you have never truly let me in - but somehow that is my fault

life is not safe. you are living a %#@&#! life because you refuse to take chances because they are scary

you are dragging me down with you

by the way - what the HELL is the counselor talking about that i have some how hurt you. how dare you

for all the hurt you have caused me, all the stuff i have done for you, yet I hurt YOU?

I HAVE HAD IT

you have used me for 9 years!!!

please show this to the counselor next time you go there

i am so busy working that you will see her 3 times to my one

i changed my mind. i don't want you touching me. that is a symptom. the disease is how you treat me. what you do and don't do. the underlying is that something happened to you and that is your reason to behave the way you do. the counselor wanted you to work on touching and you some how interpreted that into meaning that if you treat me like %#@&#! but give me a nice hug then it is ok. its not ok - you still treat me like %#@&#!.

i don't want to have sex anymore. it adds confusion. we screw and you somehow think everything is ok or i somehow think everything is ok when it is not

every time i think you are serious about working on US you turn around and hurt me

So you know it takes two to tango, and yeah none of us is perfect, but, this man lives thru porno on his puter and thru porno stories, you know, the ones wich start out with a man wronged by the wife or girlfriend, and than, wahh lahh they meet the nympho of their dreams, and all is well in the world.
he is constantly doing the hand job using the excuse that it is good to ward off prostate cancer, and, i have put up with it in good humor.
We are seeing a counselor, me more than he, but she will be gone most of this next month when i need her most as this letter that he wrote me was just recent.
it was cruel and ugly and many statements were totally off base and untrue.
i have done nothing but stand by his side bravely, and supported him in everything he has done, and i mean everything.
can anyone give me some guidance????

((((((((((((((Reagon))))))))))))))))))

I am not very good at advice so I apologize in advance if this is way off base.
Since your therapist is going to be gone my recommendation is to write a letter in response to his statements. Look at each statement and write your view on what he is saying, then save both letters to show your therapist. Good luck I hope everything works out for you.

thank you kindly for your response, it does make sense and i will do that, she has a huge file on me from just one week of paperwork i brought to her and she laughingly yelled at me for making her do so much reading.
ok so this is another incidant.
work is the trigger i know it is, the department had an upheaval recently, unfairly accusing the chief of stuff and ousting him from the dept wich makes for much unrest and no trust.
how sad when you have to depend on each other to watch your back when on the street dealing with scumbags and than having to watch out for the ones who are supposed to be helping you out.
he is a cop.
so here is the scenario.
He comes home from work and immediatly lays into me that it is MY fault the house is not finished being fixed up.
What he did, was, he ripped up several walls downstairs at random and never finished it, nor did he do what normal people do, that is, one room at a time.
nope, he had to go thru and demolish.
what i did for the last five years is COPE with this situation.
he yelled at me, Why didnt you fix this up?
Excuse me??
where is the reasoning here, the true reality.
Recently i found out my dad is dying, i also sold the last puppy in my litter and was so happy he found a good home. talk about emotional roller coaster, so i stopped at culvers quick for something to eat, we did agree that we would not eat out as it would save money, but, i felt a moment of weakness and normally i am a very good girl.
so he came in the house unexpectedly while on duty to drop something off and caught me eating my cod.
i shared it with him.
this was a week ago, last night it was brought up to me and a huge issue to him that i went to culvers when i agreed i would not go out to eat anymore.
he just would not let up on it.
so than the next morning
he woke up and is acting normal and is happy, he said he doesnt know why he is so up and down.
he did not apologize, i dont expect him to becouse i know he has an issue and does not realize it.
today i asked him if he wanted me to book a few appts in june for him.
he said please do.
he asked me if i was ok, and i said yeah, he said are you sure, i said yeah.
what else am i supposed to do?
arrggggggg
i see counselor tomorrow at 2
I am on such a roller coaster esp since the upheaval at the PD
before than it was only once in a while.
now it is all the time and the outbursts are worse and worse and more and more hurtful.
he is very needy now to.
i had given up dog classes or anything i did in my spare time, and the one time i took my puppy to class i had just gotten out and he was crying on my shoulder needing emotional help becouse he was depressed about a situation.
HOw do people handle this?
how much can a person take?

It definitely sounds like everybody in the situation is under a lot of stress.
Make sure to make time to take care of yourself, doing whatever helps you relax. Good luck at your appointment.

(((((Reagon)))))

way to vent! and an excellent job of documentation!! this is all gold - print and save!! In my experience dealing with my ex (NPD), I had to document it and confront him with it in front of our therapist - because N's can make situations seem 'imagined' - they are masters of 'spin'.

You are so brave to defend yourself and what you KNOW is right from wrong behavior. Hang on to reality, N's can't deal with what is real, hence the dysfunctional, illogical thinking/spin.

Wishing you all success!
VoN

Thank you VoN
i appreciate the advice and the encouragement, and from what it apears, you have been thru this, so can you guide me to any helpful websites that help family members cope with this?
thanx so much!!

Reagon, the way my T explained it to me is: unless i was willing to accept all this bad behavior and be willing to ride him daily to do the most basic of things (rinse your toothbrush, take out the trash, don't go outdoors in your undies, etc) that I should RUN AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. There is no 'dealing with it', there is no medication or CBT to change the behavior.

You can only learn to defend yourself. try looking Here.

I hope this helps - as i'm not so good of a guide. but I will agree with you how scary this is to find in your own house and how it can derail you emotionally to know that a monster like this got so close to your heart, it's like learning you've been married to Dracula! and not been killed (yet).

Do feel free to vent and voice your opinions here - you are helping me to cope (been 3 years now and he's still stalking me) and I'm sure there are others here who will be helped as well.

VoN

No one should feel responsible for the narcissist's predicament. To him, others hardly exist – so enmeshed he is in himself and in the resulting misery of this very self-preoccupation. Others are hangers on which he hangs the clothes of wrath, of rage, of suppressed and mutating aggression and, finally, of ill disguised violence. How should the persons nearest and dearest to the narcissist cope with his eccentric vagaries?

The short answer is by abandoning him or by threatening to abandon him.

The threat to abandon need not be explicit or conditional ("If you don't do something or if you do it – I will desert you"). It is sufficient to confront the narcissist, to completely ignore him, to insist on respect for one's boundaries and wishes, or to shout back at him.

The narcissist is tamed by the very same weapons that he uses to subjugate others - read more about his forms of abuse HERE. The specter of being abandoned looms large over everything else. In the narcissist's mind, every discordant note presages solitude, abandonment, and the resulting confrontation with his self.

The narcissist is a person who is irreparably traumatized by the behavior of the most important people in his life: his parents, role models, or peers. By being capricious, arbitrary, and sadistically judgmental – they molded him into an adult, who fervently and obsessively tries to recreate the trauma (repetition complex).

Thus, on the one hand, the narcissist feels that his freedom depends upon re-living these experiences. On the other hand, he is terrified by this prospect. Realizing that he is doomed to go through the same harrowing experience over and over again, the narcissist distances himself from the scene of his own pending emotional catastrophe. He does this by using his aggression to alienate, to humiliate and in general, to be emotionally absent.

This behavior brings about the very consequences that the narcissist so fears. But, this way, at least, the narcissist can tell himself (and others) that HE was the one who fostered his abandonment, that it was truly fully his choice and that he was not surprised. The truth is that, governed by his internal demons, the narcissist has no real choice.

The narcissist is a binary human being: the carrot is the stick in his case. If he gets too close to someone emotionally, he fears ultimate and inevitable abandonment. He, thus, distances himself, acts cruelly and brings about the very abandonment that he feared in the first place.

In this paradox lies the key to coping with the narcissist. If, for instance, he is having a rage attack – rage back. This will provoke in him fears of being abandoned and the resulting calm will be so total that it might seem eerie. Narcissists are known for these sudden tectonic shifts in mood and in behavior patterns.

Mirror the narcissist's actions and repeat his words. If he threatens – threaten back and credibly try to use the same language and content. If he leaves the house – leave it as well, disappear on him. If he is suspicious – act suspicious. Be critical, denigrating, humiliating, go down to his level – because that's the only way to penetrate his thick defences. Faced with his mirror image – the narcissist always recoils.

We must not forget: the narcissist does all these things to engender and encourage abandonment. When mirrored, the narcissist dreads imminent and impending desertion, which is the inevitable result of his actions and words. This prospect so terrifies him – that it induces in him an incredible alteration of behavior.

He instantly succumbs and tries to make amends, moving from one (cold and bitter, cynical and misanthropic, cruel and sadistic) pole to another (warm, even loving, fuzzy, engulfing, emotional and saccharine).

The other coping strategy is to give up on him.

Abandon him and go about reconstructing your own life. Very few people deserve the kind of investment that is an absolute prerequisite to life with a narcissist. To cope with a narcissist is a full time, energy and emotion-draining job, which reduces people around the narcissist to insecure nervous wrecks. Who deserves such a sacrifice?

No one, to my mind, not even the most brilliant, charming, breathtaking, suave narcissist. The glamour and trickery wear thin and underneath them a monster lurks which sucks the affect, distorts the cognition and irreversibly influences the lives of those around it for the worse.

Narcissists are incorrigibly and notoriously difficult to change. Thus, trying to change them is doomed to failure. You should either accept them as they are or avoid them altogether. If one accepts the narcissist as he is – one should cater to his needs. His needs are part of what he is. Would you have ignored a physical handicap? Would you not have assisted a quadriplegic? The narcissist is an emotional invalid. He needs constant adulation. He cannot help it. So, if one chooses to accept him – it is a package deal, all his needs included.

Thank you!!
yesterday i bought the book read a lot of it, and, i see some narc tendoncies but more OCD
i hope it is OCD and the PD making him snap rather than a shell of a human narc.
he has emotions, he is not a shell. he is selfish but many men and woman can be that way.
i will wait this out and see what happens when he sees the counselor.

I live a life similar to yours, I do it all. He just lies to lie. He hurts me and dissapoints me constantly. We met through an affair, my husband was on his way out and he claimed so was his wife. But later I find that not to be true. Nothing is true about our relationship anymore. He put out the bait I took it. I found out that during our relationship, prior to getting married, he was still having sex with his wife. She knows things she shouldn't, very, very personal things. He states he has no idea how she knows that stuff...but he does, they talked about me to get off. I did not know any of this prior to getting married to him. He actually lies to me on a regular basis about it. I know it is very true. He lies talking to friends, always exagerrating about himself. He lies to family. He lies to me. I can hardly believe a word out of his mouth. I keep wanting to trust him so badly.................but he ruins it all the time. He hurts me over and over and over again and I am expected to take it. But I can't. I really only think he keeps me around to do the maternal duties. He is more worried about paying childcare than anything else. I am disabled and bring in 35K, but he says I don't make enough money. Well, we don't pay childcare. I am home to always care for the children, most men would think that was great, but not my husband. Of course he used to say he did, but it was all bologna. I know he had sex with his wife while he was seeing me, nothing will ever change my mind. I am waiting for some kind of sign to know exactly what to do. My doc said I can not make a decision now, because I am mourning the loss of the man I thought I married. Hey I ain't easy to get along with but I try. I love and am no longer loved by him. I want to make him happy, but he just goes about his business watching what he wants when he wants, doing what he wants when he wants. We used to do everything together. But that was before. I live with a stranger (the man I used to know resurfaces about 10 minutes a week). Why must he continue to lie to me? Why did he hurt me? How is that fair? We had a baby and after becoming pregnant, I thought that would bring us closer, it didn't work. All one wants from a narcissist is love and compassion. Guess what, you aren't ever going to get it. You got caught hook, line and sinker.....he was smooth reeling you in, but now your just a conquest and are being used for whatever, say it be the house, child care, paying the bills, handling everything when all he really does is go to work and never lets you forget it. But now I am acting, trying to pretend in my head it will get better. He will one day admit the truth. He will one day love me like he seemed to early on. But I know it isn't ever going to happy. It is so sad to be lonely in a house loving someone and not getting anything in return. I feel for you. You need to go. I may hit my breaking point one day and it sounds like you did. Reading about narcissist, it says run, run far away. Now I know why. RUN!!!

Hi katie and all.
i want to say first of all katie, i am so very very sorry for you.
have you tried to get him to a VERY highly recomended pshyc??
the one we are seeing is TOP notch.
i found out he is borderline Bi polar and he has Narc tendancies but is not full fledged, and he is for sure OCD wich a lot of cops are.
anyway, he is going to the counselor and she set him straight and things are going GOOD!!! i am so happy and only wish you katie could be this happy.
maybe it will be short lived but, i feel we are meant to be together, and life for me has ALWAYS been a struggle and challenge and the man i am married to is the same.
well worth it for sure becouse the effort he is putting into US is very big.
i only hope that others can find a VERY qualified professional that is worth their effort of helping others.
thank you for all your advice,
when i read the book that was recommended i cried.
becouse first.
i know that my hubby is not a shell of a human being.
he does care about others and he does have compassion and he is giving and caring.
right now he is confused but, he also is being guided right.

Hooray Reagon!!! I hope Therapy brings you both all the happines you deserve!!!

Yes, good luck with a much better situation Reagon

Katie, and VoNPD, I also know about narcissism.

I married it. Experienced a horrible marriage. Pain and hardship, heartache, and at times, poverty ... were the punishments heaped on me by narcs.

First, my mother was a narc. classic, right? Not uncommon, subconsciously we marry our parent hoping to fix them and us? Another time about that.

What little I understood about child physical, verbal and emotional child abuse back then could fill an ocean. Those times, the late 60's, 70's, we thought we were bad - and deserving of harsh treatment because after all, parents don't lie - period.

Then, an ill-equipped teen on her own, I go out into the world, not able to make good choices for myself, and within seven years, I marry a narcissistic man, having no clue yet, mind you, that he would be a problem. A terrible problem. I didn't even know men were capable of the things he would do in his life, that's how clueless I was. And innocent.

Katie, it started much like yours right out of the gate.

Within the first years, alcohol came into the picture too. Disappearances. Then desperation and occasional poverty. I worked and barely could afford the roof over my head. And I couldn't afford anything, barely making bills. Nobody helped me either.

When the narc was with us, he gave us money for the household.
When he was not, he gave no money. Nothing. He was always in trouble too. These were clues, I know now, to stay away, but the narc had me convinced his problems could be fixed if he came home to his family - he loved us, etc., etc., and with my vulnerability, I took him back, although deep down I hated myself for caving in ... without knowing exactly what was wrong with him, I knew this was getting more bizarre, if nothing else.

I asked my physician for a referral for a T or something to help me because I thought I was losing my mind with all the lies and abandonments and my Dr. told me - 'it's your husband that needs a pdoc, not you'.

After two long separations, I wasn't about to do a third. I called it quits. I just left.

... oh, and over the years, his g/f's were either junkies, nurses (who could take care of him), or harsher types, bizarre too, narcs also, I'd bet on it now. By the condition of his health and well-being, it was so deteriorated after I'd left that within a few years, I'd begun to realize that mental illness has taken him over completely, and he had no grasp on reality, and as he was older now, he hadn't the loyalty and caregiving of the quality my family supplied, so he was in and out of hospitals more than ever - he started with them near the end of our marriage - until he eventually died - too early - and alone.
Very sad, isn't it? And I only told you a few paragraphs.

Paying mind to the living, I had to leave. That man did ruin my life back then, and at the highest periods of my life prior to leaving him for good, he ruined a few jobs for me, my friendships, my family life, life with in-laws, landlords, neighbors, you name it. He even tried to ruin my life with the kids. I still have an issue with an adult-child. He tried to instill hatreds, and I was extracting the bad influences all the time. Terrible, yes. ugh.

Anyway, I gave too many chances as I didn't know what I was dealing with and a part of me thought I didn't deserve any better (thanks to my mother, who really liked this guy btw, in spite of all the devastation, but that's another narc story).

My self-esteem was shot, my embarrassment level was off the hook, and nobody gave me any credit for anything - not even trying to preserve my family (unless I was getting it from a T). I would had to start my life completely over, again, alone, by myself.

That turned out to be the best thing ever.

I had no relationships with my ex or my mother. That was the start of something wonderful. Since neither narc wanted me to have anyone or anything, and they were not a part of my reality anymore, I excelled in everything I did. No more deprivation, no more dark cloud following me around. No more problems of others making I had to straighten out or suffer for. I was free. And a new lease on life brought me to the avenues of professional skill, lifestyle, environment, self-reliance. My esteem grew, my finances grew, my determination grew, and my heart began to heal.

Still on the journey. I can now count on one hand the difficulties I have. I am managing the best i can today, and will do better at the next opportunity. Everyday is better because I am not back there - I moved on. I survived it.

When one needs to go, and they have no other option but to leave, because the pain to stay would be worse than the pain of leaving - they go. It may take longer than others would like it, but, this is usually how it works, especially when you have a sadistic or hostile mate, or incorrigible partner who is inflicted with something beyond what the power of love can do to help improve or heal.

love to all those suffering in loveless or one-way marriages, may you find strength.
nightbird

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((((((((nightbird))))))))


you are a survivor!

VoN