[Zenobia]

Hi, it has been a long time since I have posted here. I find myself in a situation where I have no one to talk to. No one to bounce ideas off of. Eight years ago I was diagnosed with BPD. I was hospitalized, spent tons on therapy (went through 4 therapists and a psychiatrist), I was on medications until I couldn't stand them anymore. Finally I checked out books from the library about brains, healthy normal brains to figure out how I could heal my brain.

I have made huge strides towards becoming well. I meditate everyday. I do yoga everyday. I eat good nutritious foods everyday. I breathe. I relax. I watch myself and moods and alter my activities accordingly to adjust for them. Chocolate helps, with an occasional Xanax (a prescription of 20 lasted me a year). I am healthy. I am well.

Until last Thursday. Last Thursday I found myself in the bottom of my tub wondering why the hell I didn't just kill myself. The only reasons I could come up with was I didn't want the kids to find me and I needed to go to work.

I have had a difficult year and a half. In October 2006, I decided my husband's behavior was intolerable. He was gambling, drinking and staying out all night without calling. I finally came to the point in my healing where I felt I shouldn't have to put up with this so I stood up to him and wouldn't back down. I made him go to marital therapy with me and continued to hold my ground. January 2007, we decided to seperate on the pretense of him "growing up and working on himself." In July of 2007 I found out he had started having an affair back in October when his behavior started to get bad. He left me to be with her is how I look at it. I could be wrong. She dumped in in May. In June he started being nice to me again. In July I found out about the affair. I went to a divorce attorney. Told him it was over.

In August I found out my Grandma had bone cancer. She decided against chemo she was over 80. She died in October.

My son glued his eyes shut in November which was a quick, scary emergency room trip. Then got a pilonidal sist and had to get operated on a couple of months ago. We are still working with the wound. Packing it every day.

Long story short, I have had a hard year and a half but have done well. Yes I cried. Yes, I screamed. Yes I bemoaned my fate BUT I never hurt myself. Not once. (I have been a self injurer since I was 12.) I didn't even get close.... Until last Thursday.

So now I am scared. Am I going to lose all the gains I have made? Is this the discent down into dispair? Has it finally gotten too much for me? My daughter graduates this year, I signed up at a tech college for bookkeeping class. Is it too much? Or is it just a hick-up in my head?

I went to the doctor yesterday. Got a prescription for wellbutrin but honestly I don't think I am depressed. But I should be after all I have dealt with. Yesterday I printed off the list of symptoms for depression. I don't fit them. I am just so scared of being sick again. So very scared.
Zen

[Doh2007]

Anyone who had been what you went through would have those thoughts. You must be a really strong person. You don't sound sick to me. Just human.

Do something nice for you.

[Perna]

It's a hiccup and besides, you can't "go back" like that, lose what you have. Life and everything moves forward no matter what and though things may feel like they were before they never are; you had the husband before and you can't take back the good work you did with that situation.

One thing that struck me that I had happen too; you couldn't just end it all because you had to go to work What kind of "excuse" is that? A darn good one. If you go to work to keep from killing yourself, you're probably not going to kill yourself? The feeling/sense of being at the bottom of your tub and wanting to end it all is just a message to yourself that you're really stressed. It sounds to me like you could use a therapist for a bit, some human support for awhile?

What are you doing for you? The bookkeeping? Not terribly fun. Find something to do that you want to do (now that daughter is graduating and the kids are getting older and don't need quite as much care (don't think your son will glue anything he shouldn't be gluing for awhile?)) take up country western dancing or something :-) Meet some other people to talk to/complain with, etc.? Other people can make a lot of difference if you let them.

[Zenobia]

Making friends is hard for me. I wall myself off because I am afraid that if they see the inside me that they will think I am no good. But I know that is the missing piece to my recovery. Today after work, a gal I like at work and I went across the street to a bar. I know I need someone here, close by that I can turn to in times of severe need so I asked her if she had some time after work she could spend with me. It took me hours to work up the guts to ask her, then I got severe stomach cramps in anticipation of going out after work. But it all went well. I told her my story. She didn't think I was horrible. She told me some of her past too and I realized that I am not alone. Yeah, I know you all are out there but I have always felt so dang alone, like there is no one who could possibly understand in the "real world". She made sure that I had her cell number and her daughter's cell number, and her boyfriend's cell number so that if I every get to the horrilble point again I can be sure to get ahold of her. How very strange. Someone I am not paying a lot of money to is willing to take my call.

I don't want to go to therapy anymore. I know I should with all that is happening but I am so sick of therapy. I have been going for eight years. Eight freaking years. I am sick of sitting across from someone I pay to listen to me. It feels so false. Then I get attached to them but am denied the closeness that I really desire. It is like my parents all over again and again. I don't want to put myself through that again. Besides I know what they will say. They have been repeating it to me over and over again for the last eight years. Their advice just hasn't become totally realized in me yet. It takes time for me to recognize what is happening within me. Time spent talking and writing in my journal. Expression of myself. Once I am able to express myself, to get it out there then I can match what this therapist or that therapist said 10 or 20 times to the problem at hand. I just have to make sure I stay safe in the mean time. That is the scary part. Staying safe.
Zen

[Fuzzybear]

[Mouse_]

HI Zenobia.

Wow you've really handled your life pretty-dam-good! I'm impressed with your inner strenght as I read.

Perhaps just doing what your doing now, writing here about your present "struggles" will be the resting point you sound you need right now?

I remember reading a book on depression and how it described what it might be like to climb a mountain. Just keep going, don't look down and when you need to rest, just know its a ledge that you are resting on, and not a fall backwards before you continue the journey to the top.

Take care.

[Zenobia]

You know, I think that is when I get most frightened, when I look down the mountain. Looking back reminds me just how WRONG things can go. But looking back is irresistable because I like to see how far I have come. I wish there was a way to enjoy the view without the fear of falling off that mountain.
Zen

[Zenobia]

Hi Fuzzybear

[Rapunzel]

Hi Zenobia! Nice to see you again!

Sounds like life isn't about to let you have an easy ride, is it? But you always amaze me. You keep on pushing forward, no matter what life dishes out.

I think you may be right. Maybe you have learned what you needed to learn in therapy. It's just a little harder to apply it when life dishes out so much at once. But you can do it. You did get yourself up out of that tub and go to work. You are a good mom. You don't want your life to be over. You just need it to be different than it is.

Okay, so how about the miracle question. If you woke up tomorrow and by some miracle, everything was okay, what would be different?

[nightbird]

Hi Zen,

I was thinking that when you take classes after your daughter graduates, you will be in a position to meet new people at school.

I also went back to school after my kid left home to attend college and I met lots of acquaintances, and with a great job at the time, I was having a ball - and attracting friendships where I selected good friends who were trustworthy to let in.

This good life continued for ten years, with a setback or two along the way.

Your plans sound great!.
You will be attracting friends and can pick those most trustworthy to share your personal issues with as you have just done with your co-worker.

Other than this new depression I have been dealing with since Jan. due to going off a strong dose of steroids and dealing with illness that occasionally exacerbates, I look forward to improving and continuing on my merry way, even with an anxiety disorder, I see a positive life ahead.

If I look back into the past traumas, it's because triggers take me where I really don't want to be ... like when someone I love says something deliberate to be hurtful ... it's a real big trigger and that poses challenges for me to get out of the 'sinkhole' I find myself in - where the repetitive rehashing of what was said, why they said it knowing that would cut me, , yada, yada, yada ... goes on.

Other than that type of challenge, I have come to terms with my life. I am even grateful for some of the bad that happened in a way that it made me stronger, smarter, and helped me know myself better than if things hadn't happened the way they did.

I agree that we can't lose the ground we have made. We arrived where we are. We have moved on much. We will not fit back into a past life like a puzzle piece fits in it's place anymore. There is comfort in knowing we have come far enough - not to repeat our lives all over again.

We can have a difficult patch though. And a trigger response also. Maybe something new could develop too. But we have the fighting survival instinct, intact, to gain on anything negative in our life.

This time will pass. The difficulties will lighten up, and one day soon, you will wake up without thinking about the tub experience. Pressure and problems triggered it, i'm sure.

Anyway, just wanted to share with you the thoughts I was having reading your post.

Thank you for writing your thoughts as it also gave me a chance to take stock.

Good Luck in your new endeavor.

Peace and friendships,
nightbird

We are new and old at the same time, and improved.