Taking responsibility for your actions when triggered

Well, I was going to keep quiet as I'm feeling very vulnerable right now and somewhat attacked... but I really need to push on and voice my thoughts.

Missi- I think your outlook is very healthy and admirable and I say- hats off to you -- With your outlook I don't see anything but a bright future for you!!! I wish you so much peace and happiness.

I was diagnosed a year ago with PTSD-complex, originating from my childhood. I was abused, neglected and helplessly witnessed abuse other children received. I have carried this -- triggers and all, for 35+ years. Sure, I didn't know most of my adult life why I acted the way I did when I would yell, attack, or withdrawal. But after my diagnosis--- I'm learning and working hard on dealing with my perceptions/triggers.

I don't care what anyone says.... I'm not a lost cause. I will be responsible for my actions-- in order that I can grow and learn and heal!! Yes, it is a way of thinking that I've had for many, many years.... but that doesn't mean my mind is set... minds can learn at any age- IMO!! and I've never read anywhere that PTSD is incurable!! And I'm not ignorant either!!! I've done much research, read books like " Trauma and Recovery" and am in therapy.

Maybe some won't recover from PTSD and can't take responsibility for their actions, that's up to each individual and their abilities. However, I do believe PTSD is not a dead end!!

It's taken me all evening to get the courage to post this.. as I tend to run from any confrontation.... but darn it... I'm going to take a stand for myself. I just hope I exist here in the future to talk about it

Thanks to anyone that's read this.

Mandy

I am really appreciative of the responses to this thread. I've had thoughts to this and even half written response lost in my broken compy drive (nearly recovered!! crosses fingers) that I've been wanting to add to this.

I hope we can continue this thread w/o taking each post so personally.

I did NOT start this thread seeking out better or worse, newer or older, richer or poorer.......no wait

I did not start this thread to give space to RIGHT or WRONG.

I wanted input and feedback about personal experiences. How y'all have dealt with the questions I raised is up to each of you in what you want to share or address about YOUR experience.

I am desperately awaiting my dang drive restore to get most of my files back. When that happens I would love to further add to my original response that was half finished back when compy went nutzo on me.

Until then can we please continue sharing WITHOUT getting into RIGHT/WRONG BLACK/WHITE?

As the original author of this thread I am invested in learning from the responses I requested when I posted this thread oh so whenever ago.

Let's keep learning from one another and keep listening to experiences that MAY BE DIFFERENT FROM OUR OWN but doesn't make them any less valid or real or better or worse.

I am proud of all of your courage for posting here and sharing what you have. Let's continue....

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I did not start this thread to give space to RIGHT or WRONG.

I wanted input and feedback about personal experiences. How y'all have dealt with the questions I raised is up to each of you in what you want to share or address about YOUR experience

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To help me stay on track, I am looking at this quote, and then putting my name on it also, in agreement. I agree that I offer input and feedback on my own experiences. My ideas, how I have dealt with things, how I might like to try different strategies.

Sarah

I appreciate this initial topic offered for our discussion. Gives me a chance to ponder more deeply my own experience. These questions to my mind have a maturity to them.

How many friends left in wake? My tendency when triggered is to withdraw. I've cut off friendships, some did need to end, some maybe did not.

Has it caused job loss? PTSD has been part of the mix for me, of why I've lost jobs, but not all of it. In most cases I myself simply had to quit.

Has a relationship ended over the PTSD outbursts? In one love relationship I was more volatile. More dramatic than usual. Yet it was also an emotionally abusive relationship, I found out near the end that my partner was also secretly having affairs.

What do you do to make amends? Do you even try to make amends? Part of making amends for me is to talk with the person involved, examine mutual stresses that may have affected us both, and to get the help I need. For instance, get back into therapy, get back to health care folks to see if some different meds will help. I don't get angry with anyone for bringing up what I've done.

I've had friends who do the lash out then the sorry-sorry-sorry routine, and who never seem to break out of this cycle. They refuse to try new strategies and pretty much believe that everything is the fault of everyone else. That is a tough one. I've ended up having to leave friendships when it becomes too exhausting and abusive for me to stay in them. And I use this as an example of how not to be. I may never know what truly goes on for them, my priority isn't to judge them unduly but first and foremost to take good care of myself.

My son is 25 years old now, he has definitely seen me go through very triggered times. I've never lashed out at him. I've made sure he knows that he is never responsible for my triggered behavior. I've made sure that he knows that I am working hard to help myself, as an adult, with therapists etc. And he has seen such improvement. He knows I am currently focused on inspiring happiness and resilience in my life.

Sarah

It would be difficult for me to continue discussion unless I can reply to other's posts... and I, too, need to be assured that I wouldn't be attacked for being misunderstood and accuses of attacking whomever I am replying to...

When PTSD is recently caused so-to-speak it is easier (though not necessarily easy) to retrain the brain. (To me, the mind is different than the brain. ) When a trauma occurs, the brain is like, instantly frozen in time for "a second" don't take me totally literally here I'm having trouble choosing my words too) Anyway, at that point in time the brain doesn't file the memory like it normally would. Nor does it file similarly felt/experienced events (though not necessarily traumatic) correctly...

the less time between the ensuing event, and the beginning of therapy, the less time the brain has to misfile... the less the brain misfiles... and the "easier" it is to get back on track.

When I say no cure, it's referring to complex ptsd that is ingrained... and yes, there is "better" there can be improvement, there can be relief by many and return to what feels like normal life... but... at any time the brain can misfire and misfile... and associate a non-related incident to a previous trauma related incident... and.. well... PTSD is still there.

This disorder is like no other. Just like we wouldn't tell someone who is depressed to snap out of it, we probably would do best by realizing that without expert help with the ptsd, the mind has a brain of its own, and whatever it seems to be isn't easy to change.

I have PTSD-complex and anxiety disorder. I am wondering if I replied to this thread wrong or something? If I did I am sorry.

SWBF,

No you haven't done anything wrong here. My post was a gentle reminder for all of us to make sure we were taking care of our own boundaries and not seeing every post as personally directed at us but instead seeing that ppl are sharing THEIR experiences........which are all different.

I did not mean to imply my post was a list of questions to be answered or else! There were the ponderances I had regarding what happens when we all get triggered and what we do about it after the fact.

Your sharing of your experience was fine. I appreciate that folks take the time to reply and do so with such honesty.

Thank you for joining in and I hope if you have more to contribute you will....that is if you're comfortable doing so.

Oh cool I wasn't sure. I will be back and post more but I didn't want to screw up. I can be dense at times.

Hi SWBF -

Could you tell me a little bit about PTSD-Complex? I was trying to research it on the net but not sure if I'm fully understanding. I'm starting to wonder if my PTSD isn't PTSD-Complex from years of being attacked. I've only been in therapy for about 2 1/2 months and my pdoc hasn't gone into details about my PTSD...we're still in a "reving up" mode. You can PM me if you want...this may be off-topic from the thread. I triggered myself today and I'm trying to make some rhyme or reason to what I've done.

Hi yall.. Complex PTSD hasn't been included in the DSM nor the ICD yet... But like most all disorders, it's being identified and treated prior to it's inclusion. (Maybe a 20 year drag time for dx's??) It's still being identified and it's description developed.

What I found at ncptsd.va.gov is something I agree with (fancy that </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
A core component of treatment should be PTSD-symptom specific and involve the emotional processing of the trauma. However, additional and perhaps prerequisite treatment stages should included the development of skills which facilitate this work, such as awareness and regulation of feeling states, ability to tolerate distress and to utilize social support.

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Seems there's a basis for any treatment. The part that relates to the thread is: awareness and regulation of feeling states. Touch for all of us?

I am looking at my experiences with the mess that PTSD has brought into my life. It is now only 6 months after the initial trauma that has caused my problems to become very strong again. For months after the trauma I was hospitalized medically even to the point I had to plan my Mothers funeral from the hospital. I was going through so much anger &amp; stress....I really don't remember much of what really happened except going back into my notes.

I do remember the fact that no one really knew what I was going through &amp; I felt like I was sent out of the hospital chasing my own tail trying to find the therapy I was sent off to find...every place I turned was a dead end...trying to think it through myself was not a good task when I wasn't thinking very good at all. That made the anger even worse....I struck out at all the professionals in my life at the time...even firing my pdoc....until I realized what I did. During that time period....the trauma &amp; my physical illness fully consumed my life...even excluding my filly who was 5 months old &amp; desparatly needed my attention.

I guess overall, my horse trainer who is my riding trainer was the one who jerked me back to the reality of my life outside PTSD. We initially discussed what had happened &amp; once she understood that &amp; why I was having problems with my weight again....it was known &amp; put into its place...not having to discuss it again. She knows that I can have a good day &amp; then several days of recooperation after....which are getting less &amp; less with time. It is good to have someone who knows what happened &amp; then knows I have to get on with my life to be able to bring riding back into its rightfull place in my life.

Initially I was frustrated because the trauma had become such a part of my life &amp; yes....I still have trigger times along with the depersonalization....but I am never willing to let her know that it is bothering me because I have dedicated to my time with my horses as being untouchable by the PTSD (not always successful but most of the time it works).

I did crawl back to my pdoc with my tail between my legs to ask his forgiveness &amp; to please ignore my outburst in firing him. I also had problems finding anyone who was willing to help me....and even now...not sure that who I chose is doing any good?????

I really don't understand how hard it is to find help for PTSD????? But my anger is coming back the longer I seem that help is illuding me.

Debbie

I'm sorry you felt you had to crawl back to your T. I do understand apologizing for acting out in that sense.. but the T must understand your incorrect reasoning for it in the first place. My T has never let me quit or fire him. I have tried many times, calling and cancelling all standing appointments, not showing up etc. He continues to be there for me. I hope your T will also be there for you...if he is now?

I know how hard it is... not that I had trouble: God sent my T to me before I knew what I needed or was doing! Thanks to an oral surgeon for heaven's sake!

But in trying to discuss the disorder ... professionals just don't know! They just don't. I also can't expect lay people to know either. But trust me, I'm here, I've been there and still am most of the time...

I'm glad you have your horsework. And the trainer... ah to be able to disappear for a few hours...

Boy I am sorry I am always losing threads or just being a zombie and doing zero...Sky had some good info and my PTSD-complex is based on repeated tramatic experiences and then all the flashbacks , sleep issues and so on resulting from it. Much of it goes back to child hood early and some semi recent...I can PM you a lotta info on it if you still need the info..sorry I didnt see this sooner........

Aw Debbie that suxs that you cannot get the help you need and in a way that you don't have to crawl for it I dont blame you for being mad. I am so sorry. I will have more to say but am kinda dull of mind tonight

SO HERE is a question on my responsibility

I have noticed I mega withdraw when I am upset...How do I fix that and take responsibility on it...Like what do you say...say a month later when it hits you ,....maybe someone isn't avoiding you maybe you had a knee jerk reaction to something??

Hi Sleeps, I would love any info you can PM me on PTSD-Complex...if you get back around to finding this thread...just kidding. Thanks! (no hurries though)

Just an ongoing and totally human conflict....I do that too and then...(I get over it...lol) hang in there..grace

Hi Schatze!

(I just pm'ed you a link)

Judith Herman has an excellent book on Trauma and Recovery which speaks of Complex/Chroncic PTSD. I highly recommend it!

Petunia

Yes it's a very good book!!

Mandy

If you do recall what happened, and you do have an opportunity to respond to someone else who was witness, imo it's perfectly ok to say," You know? I'm not sure that I didn't... offend you or.... I really wasn't feeling well that day, things were affecting me adversely.... " There isn't a need to apologize openly. Odds are, they aren't looking for an apology anyway. I also don't think that they need a full explanation of PTSD. . . It might be best to chalk it up to something that happened. imo your mere remembering the event is progress in itself.

Lol see your PM...thats just a couple I have more if you want or need them. They go from the BEST IMO down....but none are bad

Thank you MacD..I am not fond of being just human

Hi ya Sky..I am not like mean or rude..I just...withdraw...so that sometimes I am not around for large periods of time..or short but nobody ever knows..why..I am odd

Thanks Petunia and Sleeps for the links!

Sleeps, you're actually quite normal. Withdrawal is part of PTSD and we all do it to some extent. PTSD hit me hard and I was bed ridden and afraid to leave the house for nine months...a total recluse. I'm now only down a couple of days a week...fingers are crossed... and will frequently leave my home. And, it's usually something that has triggered me which causes me to go back to bed.

But, what gets me out of bed is taking responsibility for my actions. (I hope this next part doesn't anger anyone...this is just how I deal with my situation). I feel that I can either continue to be victimized or act responsibly and move on with my life. I would really love to post more and discuss this if anyone else is open to it. Must go do something and I'll have to come back later.... Hate being interrupted....need to work on that.

Awesome thread. I've learned more in the past half hour in here than I have ever known before about PTSD. Thanks so much to all of you for posting so much information about what you've done when triggered and how you've handled it afterward. Oi vey, what a little understanding can do!!