[Schatze]

I thought I was over having violent outbursts, but I had an "episode" this weekend. I was diagnosed (almost immediately) with PTSD a few weeks back when I started seeing my Pdoc. I went almost 3 years before discovering what was wrong with me. During that 3 years I had numerous violent outbursts towards my husband and I never knew why until my diagnosis.

This past Saturday was my youngest son’s first communion. Although I was excited about going to his ceremony, I was feeling TERRIBLY, TERRIBLY guilty all last week about missing my oldest son’s first communion 2 years ago. I had so much remorse all last week leading up to Saturday’s ceremony, but I never thought to discuss it with anyone...I just thought I was feeling guilty about missing out on a family event 2 years ago. I have missed so much over the past 3 years due to PTSD and I'm starting to get deeply depressed about not being there for my family as much as I could have.

Well, Saturday morning came around and my husband and I started discussing the schedule for the day since we had family coming for the ceremony. Then he brought up the fact that I had missed my oldest son’s ceremony 2 years ago...wrong thing to do...he’s now discovered. That led to a huge fight over nothing (my guilt was sparring it on) and I ended up crying through the entire ceremony at our church. Why in the world did he have to bring up me missing my son’s ceremony previously? That memory (or guilt) acted as a trigger and I ended up hitting my husband with my purse in the church parking lot...several times. He just wouldn’t leave me alone to calm down. I don’t think anyone saw what was happening, but I’m certain some people herd my yelling.

I haven’t had one of these outbursts since I started seeing my Pdoc. I feel like I’m losing progress. I thought things were getting better and I was rid of the outbursts. They are humiliating and embarrassing. Until now, they have only happened at home, but this one was in public...and at church...of all places!! Thank God my children and the rest of our family didn’t see it. I’m mortified and haven’t been able to get out of bed since so now I’ve taken to bed again.
What if I have another one in public and my kids start to see this? They normally happen while I’m trying to work because the person that threatened to kill me was due to work related issues. This time, a bad memory and guilt brought it out in me. These have to stop as they're ruining my life.

[eskielover]

(((((((Schatze)))))))),

Please don't add this little outburst to your guilt. It is amazing because what you are describing is exactly what I have been going through.

What I have found is that when things start building up inside & I keep them there, like what you were going through all last week, I'm like a volcano that finally blows. Yelling, throwing things, breaking things, hitting anything arround me, attacking anything or anyone around me. So far that has been limited to husband & Doctors because I am afraid to be around anyone else that might not understand me. Luckily I don't weigh enough to be really dangerous. Once I blow then I'm good for a while until things build back up. Sometimes it is a while between blowups, sometimes it right on top of each other. Geez, I am the one saying that what we need to do is put things into perspective, when I can't even do it myself. I guess knowing & doing are two different things.

I have been noticing that guilt, frustration, the wrong things being said, are the things that are the triggers. Looking back at the past which holds things that shouldn't have happened but did, are things that couldn't have been avoided anyway. I think it is possible that events we miss are probably because we are protecting ourselves rather than getting depressed about the fact that we could have been there. Looking back, I missed my Mothers memorial service not only because I was in the hospital, but also because I couldn't get myself to go near those people who were involved in the part of my mothers life that caused the trauma. Emotions are always going to be there, & regrets need to be put into perspective also.

I think you ability to look at what has been happening to you & being able to define the emotions, experiences & relationship to your actions will help you get out of bed this time, probably sooner than the last time, the time before that, & the time before that, etc. You now have professional help, & not sure if you have a therapist or not, but talking it through does seem to help. Hopefully we can give you some needed support here.

I know you have been really helpful with your responses to my posts, hope I can give at least a little support back. I always hate it when it feels like the professionals minimize what we are going through. I think they are just trying to put things into perspective, but what we are going through is rough.

I am sure you will soon be able to get out of bed & each time, hopefully that time will be less & less. The length of time you are effected is the true test of progress, not the fact that you are back in bed.

Take care & try not let these things depress you. I have been told that these are natural reactions to the situation & natural reactions during recovery.

Debbie

[sorrel]

(((((((schatze))))))

I understand..only yesterday I hit a postman who was behind me on the escalator and who bumped into me by accident.

In my experience, starting--and in my case deepening-treatment results in feelings becoming conscious and alive that were buried at the time of the trauma..

In time, you will likley become more conscious of the feelings and less likley to fight/flight....But it takes time and patience....and supportive family and friends mean a lot, talking to them might help? Just a suggestion...

The guilt is painful too, so you have my total empathy and caring...

((((((((hugs))))))))

be gentle to yourself.

sorrel

[Schatze]

These outbursts are just terrible and I hope and pray we all get rid of them. I'm not big enough to cause physical harm to my husband, but they just crush him emotionally. I'm so fortunate to have someone who loves me throughout all of this.

I have to find some way to forgive myself for the things I did during the 3 years I battled PTSD without knowing it. I don't know why I'm being so hard on myself. If I should be mad at anyone, it should be the person that caused my trauma. But I've let him go to the extent I can and now it's just a matter of time before he leaves my memory forever, the thought of him doesn't seem to bother me anymore. But now I'm mad at myself and feeling guilty about being such a recluse and emotionally detached from my husband and sons for such a long period of time..

I saw my Pdoc (psychiatrist) today and he wasn't very helpful on helping me forgive myself (although he saw how depressed I was and increased my meds). I was hoping he would give me some form of tool to use but I guess its something that I'm going to have to come to terms with myself. As I get older in life, I'm finding I need to have inner peace within myself and not do things that I'll regret, which is probably just maturity. I have to find a way to rid myself of guilt over the past and move forward.

Eskie, thank you for your post, I find comfort in it.

Missi

[Schatze]

Hi Sorrel -

Thank you for your post, it is comforting. I do need to be more gentle on myself. I think that's my Pdoc's mantra for me. But that is so much easier said than done...at least for me at this point in time.
I hope time helps this. I feel like I've crossed over a line with my temper because of these violent outbursts and that scares me. I've only been in therapy for 2 monhts and it's bringing back terrible memories that I thought were gone. But they are memories of terrible things I've done while going undiagnosed with PTSD. If I listed the things I've done, most people probably wouldn't think they were so terrible, but they feel like it to me.

Thank you and Eskie for your warm and sweets thoughts...I really needed them today.

Missi

Missi

[(JD)]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I have missed so much over the past 3 years due to PTSD and I'm starting to get deeply depressed about not being there for my family as much as I could have.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">
<font color="blue">
...key words? ... as much as I could have ???? No, I am sure that you did ALL YOU COULD HAVE... and that you continue to do so.

PTSD has given you some reasoning as to why you HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE to do all that you "wanted" or "felt" you should have.

Just learning the dx is one thing... it's a long ugly road ahead. As you work on yourself, things will wax and wane. You WILL BE triggered because of the PTSD. IF your spouse and children are open to trying to understand, then make sure they talk to the doctor about the PTSD. Even so, there will be a limit because there is NOTHING like PTSD: NOTHING.

Blame it on the PTSD. When in doubt, blame it on the PTSD odds are, it's the culprit. That doesn't eliminate our efforts to do better, to feel better... but it sure does help when we really feel like we did the best we could and "it wasn't good enough."

((((hugs))))

[Schatze]

Thank you Sky. You always have some great words of wisdom. My husband has gone to talk with me and my Pdoc on 2 occassions now and I'm glad he did. We also briefly chat after each one of my sessions so he has an idea of what I'm going through.

Thank you for your suggestion of blaming it on PTSD...I LOVE THAT!!

Missi

[(JD)]

(((hugs))) well it's THE TRUTH! lol

[sorrel]

((((((((missi))))))))

what helps you to be gentle with yourself? Ever written a list?

love,

sorrel

[Schatze]

I'm not sure. I'm having so much guilt and I'ver never had this much at one time. I've never had to repeatedly try to be gentle on myself so its new to me in that way.

Do you make lists? Do they help?

Missi

[(JD)]

Schatze, it's very common to dip back down from time to time, as progress is not a straight line upwards... that you haven't been in this place for some time IS progress. I'm sorry you feeling too bad right now to realize it. (((hugs))) NO GUILT! Guilt and shame imply you willingly did something wrong, and I doubt that.

[sorrel]

I am absolutely a lists person!!!!

yes, they do help...lots of the time...

I have a list of my positive qualities and some good things my therapist said to me up on a board above my bed, for example...

sorrel

[(JD)]

Lists are good... but I have to have a list to tell me where my list is!