[movingforward]

I have an odd sort of situation I guess you could call it. Last night I realized that all of my journal entries back to age 12 (when I started) are almost exactly the same. The people have changed - since I have married and have children, but the words are still the same. I was physically, emotionally, sexually......etc. from the time I was a baby. I have figured out today that I have external identities (such as my son's mother), but I don't have any internal identities. For example I think I'm useless, lazy, crazy, have no purpose etc. Have you, or anyone you know learned to for internal identities? This realization is very new to me, and I do not know what to do with it. Any help would be great.

[JustBen]

What does having an internal identity mean to you, movingforward?

[movingforward]

I don't really know. I guess knowing who I am without having a label such as wife or mother attatched to it. All i know is I feel empty and so sad when nothing is going on - everything I hear is the words I was told when I was growing up - and I guess that is how I felt about myself unless someone else identifies me as something else. Although I think I stink as a mom and wife, but at least it is not so lonely. I guess it is really confusing - I'm confusing myself just writing it!!!

[movingforward]

also I guess "an internal identity " to me means knowing "who" I am without feeling as if I'm 12 years old still.

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((((((((movingforward))))))))))))))))))))

i understand. you're not alone in those thoughts. awareness is 1/2 the battle i think. now that you recognize this, you can explain it to t and hopefully the two of you can start working on it.

i hope alot for you right now.

[CedarS]

For me, my identity is a mix, includes who I am to others, such as mother. My identity also seems to not be divided too much between internal and external, though that could be because I just never thought of it that way.

I can relate to the feeling of being an age different than my actual one. Because of abuse, it has felt like I missed out on building blocks of growth, and now that I am safe, I am able to grow myself up.

Good therapy has helped a lot with that process. As has keeping a journal.

If I felt that some part of me was lost, I'd think on how to define that part, that aspect of myself. For instance, if I wanted to experience some happiness, and I felt that my happy self had been squished out of existence, I'd write about this, I'd maybe read up on what other folks say about happiness, I'd work in therapy on what seems to be in my way.

Your mileage may vary.

Best wishes,
Sarah

[(JD)]

You can do a search onsite of the Dissociation forum and see if others have posted about this,too. Some answers might be found there.

[JustBen]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
SarahL said:My identity also seems to not be divided too much between internal and external, though that could be because I just never thought of it that way.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Me too. This thread has given me something to think about.

[JustBen]

emily4040 has a link to a good article about this very topic over in the DD forum: http://forums.psychcentral.com/showf...950#Post213961

Are you talking personalities as in a dissociatives alters or are you talking about kind of mid life crisis type thing where the person wonders what they have done all their life, what they should do and be for the rest of their life?

If it is mid life crisis kind of thing thing about what you like to do write all those things down then think about a friend that does these things and what you would say if he/she came to you and asked you who she was. Basically you are who and what you want to be based on you beliefs and likes.

Now if we are talking a dissociative locating an alter. Basically you can't "see" an alter, or "touch them and so on. But you can know they are there and find out things about them. To start with you pay attention to anything you find - poems, drawings, items you dont remember buying and so on. Look at those items sometimes they will have a name on them. In the book amongst ourselves by Dr. Tracy Alderman is an exersize that has to do with charting your alters. Three years ago I wrote to her and asked permission to post the exercize on another website. I recieved permission and posted it. I will be putting it on this website too just haven't gotten around to it yet. Basically when you find things out during therapy or at home you write it down. For example my therapist would say Katherine was here today So I would write on the chart Katherine. Then as my therapist or friend since she knew I was DID and was a part of helping my therapist and I, would find out things when ever I was in that memory state. I now know Katherine is 22. She is one of my protectors, philosophical, very sarcatic and to the point (told my therapist she (my therapist) was too clever for her own good) her favorite color is lavender and so on. You basically do this for each name that you know and each name that comes up in therapy. over time you will have a pretty good picture of what that memory piece contains. (If you want to know what an alter looks like Once you know how old that memory piece is find a picture of you at that age and that is what the memory piece (alter) looks like.

[mj14]

movingforward, I'm not sure if this is what you mean, but I have this sense that I don't really exist except in other people's perceptions of me. The phrase I use is, "there's no "Me" in me."

One of the things that my T is helping me see is that the problem isn't that I don't have an identity, but that I don't recognize it. We all have motivations, personality traits, attributes and flaws that make us who we are. They make up our identity. I've been learning that I'm not really an empty shell, that's just a feeling that I have because of my disorders.

Like I said, I'm not sure if this is the same as your issue, but if it sounds familiar, you may want to try exercises like writing down things about yourself, your good points, your likes and dislikes, things that you know or do that are uniquely yours. And soon you will see that you are all kinds of things other than just someone's mom, or wife.

Good luck,
Jo

[(JD)]

are you talking more about feelings of "depersonalization?"

[jennie]

this is very interesting.

when i began therapy in 2003, i was dissociating a lot and was very confused and disoriented. i told my therapist (also hypnotherapist) that i thought i might have dissociative identity disorder. immediately, he replied back "no you do not." i have a very active imagination/inner world but have accepted i have no alters. dissociation and depersonalization can explain why memory problems occur.

i hope you discuss your concerns with your therapist. i know how upsetting this can be to wonder and not know for sure if there are alter identities.

[movingforward]

Thank you everyone who has given me an answer. They have all been very helpful. You've all even made ME think about the question that I asked!!! It's not necessarily that I think I have other personalities, as in DID, but because of all the abuse, I learned to cope by lots of OCD mechanisms, and was basicallt told who I was. Selfish, stupid, slut, never going to amount to anything etc. So my inner feeling conflict with what I was told and also with whatpeople tell me now - which are good, but the bad is easier to belive. It is like feeling lost in the middle of an open field just wondering around with nothing in sight but the land.......which way do I go?