[Penny T. StDuhnam]

Guys, I'm at the end of my rope for the time being. I can over come this but I'm so far down in it right now.

I CAN'T COPE! I just feel I'm not doing an adequate job at my profession, my parenting and my home maintenance.

I try. I have plans in place, sticky notes to help remind me but I just don't act. I feel so weighted with burden and so bitter with failure. At times, I think it would be best to have my kids live with their dad. I DON'T WANT THAT!

I want to be able to deal. Most times, I feel like even my GP let's me down. I'm telling him I'm on the edge and he throws me an anti-depressant! I NEED A VALIUM!

I was never taught how to cope or handle life in general! I grew up in FILTH! I was left to watch a 6mth old at age 9 all day while my mom was at work. There was no routine, no cleaning, no working on homework. . Add the alcoholic boyfriend who add a splash of extra special dysfunction to my young life then there's my dad.

My dad is a 2 tour Vietnam survivor. I'm assuming he has PTSD too. He hated my mothers inability to clean, cook, organize which is why they divorced. So I saw him handle things! Fights with knives, screaming like jack Nicholson or Robert deniro in some Oscar winning drama!

Spit flying, item throwing, room wrecking, break whatever is in sight! My opinion is the only opinion and if you disagree I will hold you verbally hostage until you just shut up and agree dad!

Two extremes on polar opposites of the spectrum.

Then there's me! Soul broken! I see and understand how things should be but I can't take the correct actions to make it happen.

I'm patient, patient, patient but nothing gives! My day is just as hard today as it was yesterday!

I'm rambling a d can't make sense of what I'm posting while on my phone.

Thanks for those who listen and can understand! I don't want be ms Hyde!!!!!!

[Penny T. StDuhnam]

Oh, and I'm personally responsible for my roller coaster mood. I'm not remebering to take my celexa and trileptal regularly. (not sure why he's even giving me trileptal-it seems it's for bi-polar). I keeping telling my doc, for four years, I'm plaqued with agitation and rage. Once it starts, it's a locomotive running at 200mph and it's hard to stop!!!!

*scream*. (been doing that all morning)

[Penny T. StDuhnam]

And if it's not painfully obvious yet, I also create my own triggers. With the house. . Doesn't even come close to what I lived in but, dang, I'm bend when things fall out of order (not OCD like). . . I immediately transport back to the embarrassment, the school teasing I endured and filled with fear that I'm making HUGE mistakes that will leave my kids in my living hell later in life.

(((penny)))

i suffer from PTSD too and know how difficult it is. also, i grew up in a home with a problem mom who hated cleaning and who yelled and screamed and cursed at her 4 kids daily. mom lives alone now; in her house there are dust bunnies older than some of her grandchildren.

it sounds like you have a lot on your mind at once. however, human beings can only do one thing at a time. (some of us are just not multitaskers.) so, focus on one thing at a time, finish it and then move on to the next. zone out the distractions as much as possible and focus on just one task and make sure it's done as completely as time allows. for what time does not allow - let go of the rest.

it's very important to stay in the present as much as possible. focus on what you're doing and you'll finish it sooner. distracting thoughts about your past are hinderances. just tell them that you'll deal with them later.

you are a soul survivor. never forget that. every day you rise above your past and your parents. you may not be perfect but you are making the world a better place for you and your children. it is okay to settle for imperfection; we all have to settle for the best we can do under the circumstances. it's wanting to make things even better that make us better people and the world a better place. so, accept what you can do and be glad for what you have accomplished. consider making a list of all the things you have accomplished in a day and you will be surprised at how much you did and how hard you worked. accept both your good days and bad days, and always prepare for tomorrow. hang in there!

[lynn P.]

((penny)) - I don't have much beyond unhappyguys great post. I just wanted you to know I read your emotionally touching post and I have deep empathy for what you endured/are dealing with now.

Maybe keep your pills where you can see them - like next to what you always do like making coffee. Trying to do some slow deep breathing and rest for 30 mins a day. Don't look at the whole picture because its overwhelming - instead take baby steps and allow yourself to falter. I don't have PSTD but I did have a period of 6 months where I think I had it - after having 2 men break into my house when I was home. I was a nervous mess for 6 months.

[unaluna]

ABSOLUTELY get one of those "pill minders" - you can get them at the pharmacy - I fill mine by the month because a week goes by too dam fast IMO! mine is supposed to be for morning noon supper and bedtime, but I just treat each row as one week instead. I could not keep my meds straight otherwise, and I only take mine ONCE right before bedtime! hopeless! you know "Dances With Wolves"? My Native American name would be "Decorates With Underpants" by the looks of things around here...

[Open Eyes]

((((Penny))))

Unhappyguy and even others here have good advice. I want to add Penny, me too. I believe you, yes, there is rage that builds up and that can happen from being overwhelmed. Please feel free to come here and do just as you did, release the thoughts behind the rage. You need to let that out, you need to rage out the whys to your rage so you can dig deep and discover where that rage is coming from, its often brought on by a trigger that you may not be aware of. The goal in letting it out here is that if you can find what that trigger is and bring it to the surface, you can then consciously work on it.

I do hope your in therapy because it is very important to bring all the triggers that are locked in the subconsicous that your not consciously aware of to the therapist so you can work them out consciously and process them. Part of the problem with PTSD is that there are subconscious triggers that we are not aware of and what happens is that when that subconscious tigger is hit so come all the emotions, even anger. It is extremely important that you keep track of what comes out. You experienced things in your childhood that you could not deal with, they were upsetting, anger, sadness, fear, confusion. And when that happens in childhood our brains have a way of pushing these events somewhere in the subconscious to allow us to be numb. And these experiences can lay dorment for many years and then something can trigger them to come forward presenting the condition called PTSD. And when that happens we can get very confused and feel like we are falling apart. What you need to know is that as these memories and emotions come forward you can address them and actually bring a resolve to them where you simply could not when these events occured.

This is a very troubling condition, you can feel like your going crazy and because you are in PTSD any new stress can present you with truely feeling overwhelmed. So, that feeling of frustration and confusion and being scatterbrained is very common to people who suffer from PTSD. Just know that you DO have to now take time out to address a lot, and it can't seem possible that this is happening, but it is real and you must know that you can, little by little get to a better state of mental health. But it does take work and understanding what it means and that you do have to address it.

Penny, your not going crazy, you have PTSD, it is treatable, it is very challenging and your going to have to spend some time dealing with emotions and the parts of your past that your brain could not process and now your going to slowly, carefully process it. But, you have to have therapy.

Now, what I do when I am struggling is I often come to PC and read and post using the part of me that CAN problem solve. And what that does is it quiets my brain down into a step by step thinking process. It is almost like a meditation, but it is a thinking meditation, which accesses your normal healthy thinking processing part of your brain.
You do still have that Penny, only that is struggling because of all the subconscious memories and emotions that are coming out that you could not process and just storred.

If you need to vent, and you don't have someone to vent with, come here. Try not to vent to the children, that isn't fair to them and they really don't understand it. If your really struggling try to get as much therapy in as you can and come here too. You can use this thread if you need to and others here that also work on their PTSD can listen and help you reason and sooth as is taking place here.

You have PTSD, it is real and a difficult disorder to understand, but you can work through it, it will, however take time and support. Dont feel bad if you need to come here and vent, no need to appologize, you need to do it, let it out, that is part of the healing.
If you need to cry, then cry here, if your venting, vent, if you stressed come talk, whatever you need, LET IT OUT.

Also, talk about your past as much as you need, I don't care how many times you need to repeat it, because repeating is part of healing. As a matter of fact I talked to my therapist about just that and we discussed how the hypocampus is effected when we face trama. He believes that the repeating is necessary because it uses the hypocampus, thus working it and making it stronger. Trama can shrink the hypocampus and often there is fear in remembering because of how is shrank, but from what I understand the storytelling is important to healing. So dont appologize for talking it out, feeling it and just letting it out. You need to do that to heal.

(((((HUGS)))))

Open Eyes

[Penny T. StDuhnam]

All, thanks for the thoughtful comments. I cried like a baby driving home from work.

Open eyes, I recalled your words. . . Try to determine where it's coming from. At that moment, after cycling through a million one thoughts of various recollections, I remember in my head saying I just want someone to take care of me.

Now, I mean that in the sense of, just things a mother would do. . I guess steaming from feelings that I'm all alone here. I (huge capital) do for everyone and I do it 120%. I'd give you the shirt off my back.

Time and time again, I don't get it in return. I've been physically abused by 4 men (2 just one or two altercations- not as serious as others). I've an (this is even difficult to type- seriously, everything just halted, and my heart is letting me now it's there) incest (I'm pretty certain it was a brother- ) survivor. Then there's my ex-husband which just baffles me how my 12 years with him adds to luggage wagon). . .

So, I just sobbed. I guess craving to feel that someone is out there that can love without
hurting and where I actually believe someone genuinely likes/loves. (I know people like- I can't trust it)

Shoot. . . A friend is here to fix my window; has to hang a whole replacement!. I'll be back. Might actually slide behind the desk top and take these fingers for a real run!

Thanks you all!

[Penny T. StDuhnam]

http://www.forests.com/ptsdapa.html

I read this earlier today. . . I can identify with that right since I was recently beaten by a now ex boyfriend in July. That wast too long ago and I feel I'm all crazy again because.

[Open Eyes]

((((Penny))))

Think about what you just said about someone taking care of you being with someone strong.

Often what can happen with a victim, and they can be nursing some PTSD, is that they pick someone they think is strong, someone that in the beginning of the relationship shows strength and their kinda need for you fills another empty spot. The problem is your picking strength that is an abuser strength and you dont see that until your trapped.

Penny, I think that you should take time out of relationships and focus on yourself, building a strong relationship with your self. This is going to take you time Penny to work through this PTSD. And it was ok that you cried and let some things out. Glad you let it out here, think about what my response is. Run the courtship part with these abusers and think about what the attraction in the beginning was for you.
And think about what I am saying about your crying and asking for someone strong, strong enough to care for your needs. And you give 120%? You got nothing right? Now, you have to give to yourself.
That is something you have not learned how to do, you don't give yourself permission to do that YET, you have to learn how to do that.

(((Hugs)))

Open Eyes

[Penny T. StDuhnam]

I've been trying to give to myself. I have this understanding that I must care for my quote, unquote, inner child. And I do.

But biggest issue is that, I'm on happy, all is good streak then stress inevitably comes again. . . And piece by piece, little things aren't going right, I'm not having my little people cooperate, a bill is late, etc, etc and I can be patience. But there is an invisible trigger. . It flips and then I do!

It comes out as yelling and hitting myself over and over. I hate myself when it happens.

Fall and winter are hard. . . I have a lot of instructive memory but am just now reconizing that I'm having flash backs more so now. . I have radiant heat in my ceilings. When it kicks on, it makes the house pop and creek, especially at night. (I'm terrified of the dark to begin with). Sometimes I see a figure in the door way. . . I don't like flashbacks.

Up until I moved back to my home state (I see this now a triggering event to my odd behaviors since I moved back), I have always been diagnosed as depressed then BPD. It wasn't until I was talking to my GP that he first mentioned PTSD (I was never in 'war' didn't think it could apply).

Im thinking I have severe anxiety and tell him, I just hear a noise and it feels like I'm being shot. Every sensing part in my body just 'explodes'. . . I feel like diving for cover. He then asked if I've experienced any trauma. . I think for a sec. . And rattle off casually, as if I'm talking about a third party, that, well. . I used to be awaken to people 'messing' with me, my HS boyfriend used to physically abuse me. Then he says, its PTSD.

I don't know how I feel about defining what problem I have. . But since that talk in 2006, PTSD seems as obvious as the nose on my face.

Prior to moving back, I was married, my ex traveled a lot for business which I super convenient for me because I had been isolating this whole time. I just shut the door to my past and moved around the globe with my ex.

All those years, I kept seeing doctors and shrinks but I always left out the past. I diet. Want to talk about it.

But the moving and his trips always were, in retrospect, enabling me to continue to just ignore the inner turmoil and guilt.

Then I move back home and I begin to come unglued. Just being in this state brought me to have a tsunami of recurrent thoughts and I regressed, for awhile to a child like state. I still worked but I was not good.

I had relationships. . . I keep them out of my children's life for the most part. Which has been a blessing as the kids have not seen anyone abuse me physically.

I know I'm unable to have a heathy relationship. I'm only focused on my relationship with myself, my kids and my employment; that's all that matters.

I'm not yet in therapy again. I tried to go back- my doc made a referral to a shrink that was no longer there. I contacted my insurance to find another. . Haven't yet. .

See, I'm unable to even think about handling the stress of telling my boss I need to take an hour as I'd be letting him down. But they don't have after hour shrinks by my home to accommodate (that take my insurance).

I feel so helpless in finding a emotionally comfortable setting to even begin.

Or, as someone else said, I'm afraid to go.

And I am a little. Its only because I do believe I'm afraid to uncover anything else. There are many spaces of time u can't recall. I can't see the face of the person who would be there in the middle of the night. .

I would wake to have someone actually doing something. . The face was only a few inches from mine. But I can't see it. . I couldn't see it then and I can't see it now. I see the body, the flashlight and the room. . I can't see that.

I know I need theapy.

[Penny T. StDuhnam]

I know of no more disagreeable situation than to be left feeling generally angry without anybody in particular to be angry at.
Frank Moore Colby

It is a time when one’s spirit is subdued and sad, one knows not why; when the past seems a storm-swept desolation, life a vanity and a burden, and the future but a way to death.
Mark Twain

[Penny T. StDuhnam]

I only was afflicted with IBS since 2006- my gastrointestinal issues get worse by the sec. I often wonder did the endo cause IBS or PTSD. And did PTSD kick my endo into hyperdrive. .

And I'm always waiting for the test to confirm I have some sort of cancer. I'm just waiting for cuz you can't be this physically miserable and not be about ready to die!

Another part of me realizes, I'm making me sick

[likewater]

(((Penny))) hi. I'm so sorry you are going through all this. I wanted to tell you that my former T showed me a book about how trauma can affect your body because i am so physically ill all the time. I run unexplained fevers. I get pneumonia easily. I have fybromyalgia symptoms. I've had precancer removed from my breast, and another lump they have to check out . I also have severe acid reflux. Oh and i have asthma. I have about 15 or more migraines a month and IBS. anyway, unresolved trauma causes stress on your body which wears you down and really, truly makes you physically ill. So, definitely see a T before you stress your body more, and i'll be praying your test comes back negative and you get to feeling better. I send you hugs, and my dog sends you kisses.

[shezbut]

I definitely agree with likewater.

The mind is attached with the body. Every time I've gone into the hospital (for emotional health) I've gotten very physically ill & and vice-versa. And I've been to hospitals many times! There's definitely a correlation.

Not everyone is down low enough to pick up on the correlation. But, when you have a lot going on in your life, the littlest thing is the trigger. That's a scientific fact. The hope is to catch your stressors and emotions before it gets too deep to deal with. Simplify things as much as possible and go from there.

At first, you may just notice that you're feeling overwhelmed and BOOM! Keep practicing. Apologize to your kids when you do blow. Children are amazingly understanding and kind when the emotions are explained. (Personally, I had always feared that my kids would hate me, and go down my roads, etc. leading me into an even bigger panic! What helped was making apologies & taking responsibility for my blow-outs habit. That helped enormously!!)

((((Penny))))

[Open Eyes]

PTSD and high stress and anxiety that come with it is truely hard on the body, GI tract and muscles, headaches and I guess there is a long list. People who struggle with PTSD do feel a sense of a shortened life and can even struggle seeing any kind of normal future. You truely need to get into therapy to find ways to understand how you are being effected and can get to the point where you can learn ways to develope better thinking patterns, it doesn't happen overnight.

Just by reading your first rant I can see that your clumping a lot of tramas together in your mind. You need to slow down and get out of that hypervigillant state of mind, in therapy you will learn how to slow down and begin picking through the shattered pieces in your life and consciously find resolve.

For now, Open Eyes says, slow down you have to live in each moment right now. Your feeding into the trama, and your making it worse. Make up your mind that you simply cannot resolve all your issues immediately. So, your going to have to give yourself time to finally address YOU for the first time and you will find resolve slowy.

((((Take a slow deep breath, exhale slowly, gentle hugs))))

Open Eyes

[TerryL]

It wasn't right that you had to look after a baby when you were just a baby yourself. you had no good role models and left to fend for yourself. No wonder you are angry. Totally justified.

[needfixing]

how about taking things one step at a time.
first take control of your meds intake, once that is done than tackle another issue.
when things are being thrown at you from all directions, take baby steps, don't insult yourself, and it's ok if the house is a little messy, or you forgot to buy toilet paper, stop being so hard on yourself. (((hugs)))

[Penny T. StDuhnam]

WellX for the past two, three days I've been taking what I should and when I should.

I've got my super patient pants in again (not sure how long that will last) It's just seems so easy sometimes. . . Then BLAM!

I see my GP tomorrow.

A lot of folks in the past have said I'm too hard in myself. I guess I see other people with third spotless homes, the bills paid timely, their laundry never more then one load deep and they work. It just seems logical that I just should be able to perform.

Argh. . .

It just seems so weird to have an understanding of why I have issues but just be able to resolve them.

[Open Eyes]

((((Penny)))))

Yes, it is very hard to understand. I could write down the same words you have written here. And just like you I see people around that are in tune with their lives and have cleared their lawns of leaves and decorated their houses so nice for the holidays. For me it is a daily battle of trying to understand why I cant seem to collect myself and have direction and get on track etc.

But that is what PTSD does, it is consuming and the truth is, it truely takes time to understand it and work through it. And it is very hard to understand why it interupts our lives and can be so crippling and it presents so much confusion and exhaustion.

The most important thing to understand it that it isn't YOUR fault, your brain just responded to being tramatized in ways that you never expected. And to the depths of me, I hear you, me too. People who have crippling PTSD do feel they have somehow failed and not only that they are misunderstood by others and confused themselves. It becomes more and more clear that something is just not right and it makes us feel uncomfortable and confused about why we cannot seem to just bounce back and have structure in our lives.

The only thing you can do Penny is make a decision to give yourself plenty of time to address all the ways your brain has been effected and learn new ways to slowly heal and it is a very slow process and you cannot do it alone. You went through a lot of abusive situations and it effected you. Now your going to slowly walk through the past and process and learn and it truely takes time. Try not to be hard on yourself, you did the best you could and there was no way of knowing this condition would present itself. It is not your fault, it just is and now you have to learn how to fix the damage and slowly grow stronger and it will be new ways to look at your past and see how you were hurt and find ways to make psychological peace with it.

I am doing the same Penny, it is a challenge and your not alone. Your not a failure or guilty of anything, you have to give yourself a big time out and work on healing.

Open Eyes

[likewater]

Penny, i just wanted to let you know you are still in my thoughts. Sending hugs. I agree with Open Eyes. Just take it slow, and
remember none of this was or is your fault. Don't forget to breathe and do simple things like eat and take care of yourself.

[Penny T. StDuhnam]

Ima trying! Never know which end of the elephant to chew on first!!

I did organize my livig WITH the help of the kids. They were reluctant at first but I said no TV we get this straight! Once we started rolling they were awesome and I was positive Polly. Really rewarding. . .

The past almost two weeks have been miserable. Now I don't know if my cycle is letting up or the meds are mellowing me out.

I've just been so lost in thought on all the things that have transpired since, I'm, BIRTH. . . I seriously lack boundaries with everyone, including my best friend from high school. She borrows money, promises to return and now shes in debt to $600.

I've even been ignoring her lately because I just feel used in one way or another. . . Hypersensitive? Paranoid?

guys, again, thank you all for the support and I do hope to be there for all too. But I fear I'm a little self absorbed until I get a handle on things.

Specifically making that therapist appointment.

[Open Eyes]

It is very common for someone with PTSD to be self absorbed so don't worry about it.
You DO have to be somewhat self absorbed to an extent because you will be paying attention to yourself and working with a therapist on how to slowly learn about how you have been effected and how to address your issues and learn new coping methods.

Remember what I said, try not to run everything together and let yourself get frantic.
There are going to be times in therapy where you will begin to see how things do connect and the important thing to remember is that what your therapy is about is not to make yourself erupt but to talk about your past and finally find ways to come to terms with it and learn from it and finally heal as well.

Your past will always be your past, no one can change it and it can be hard to look at but in therapy you will be validated for many things abusive people in your past never validated. It takes time to learn how to make boundaries you can be comfortable using and learning to look at people not as their servant or that you are less than, but to finally find the personal value you truely deserve, something you have not found yet. It takes time so plan on knowing up front that you are going to be taking a big time out to take care of you and heal and find positive ways to be around others as well.

(((((Hugs)))))

Open Eyes

[Penny T. StDuhnam]

p.s. I notice all my smart phone typos after the fact!

[Open Eyes]

((((Penny)))) Its ok, sometimes I miss words and mis-spell words, and I am finding out that is part of the PTSD as well. You don't have to be perfect in your postings, all that matters is your making efforts.

Open Eyes