gotta keep it together somehow..

Thanks for support Having the T there, if I can remember to make eye contact with him, will be a good thing.. he knows how to calm me... however... the assessment team really needs to see me NOT at my best... they need to realize how hard it is for me to function.... ADL assistance, along with mobility assistance and home alterations are what they need to come up with (but first they need to know how much I need them.)

hehehe out of my mind? I knew I fit in here!

Make sure you let us know what day this takes place so we can be your behind the scenes support.

I will. T will call them today, I think now. He's going to see if they can do it this Friday, since I'm so stressed out about it. Otherwise, we're pushing for the next Friday. (Happens to be "good Friday" but that doesn't bother either of us; it might make a difference to the team though.)

In my frenzy I found a website that listed for professionals all the different areas of a home assessment. It was for geriatric assessment, so it took a little tweaking to use. T and I discussed the items today some. I get so blocked in thinking when it's something about me, trying to "prove" myself, when it's all right there in front of everyone! My mind calmed quit a bit after he gave me another marble to palm. hehehe He'd used a marble long time ago to "imprint" calming techniques for my pea brain!

He told me to put the topic away now, let the list be where I have the thoughts on this, and not stress out with ruminating it all. I think I can do that. Whew!

Oh good Sky.

Therapist's are great are'nt they?

That 'marble' idea sounds good, I might try that.

OK yeah my T is the best! He used a marble to focus with, palm, roll, all that... and worked we me by giving (hypnotic) suggestions/ meditation years ago...so now all I have to do sometimes is THINK about having a marble in my pocket or hand, and my brain calms me down. Go figure

Sigh. The assessment won't happen this week. The person is out of town and hasn't even returned my T's call back.

One of my coping thoughts coming up now is that they aren't really going to do this assessment...they were only going through the motions because of the pre trial hearing... and it will cost them big money to do the assessment (paying the ppl) and then to follow through with the findings (makes it "real" to the system, judge, you know?)

Nah, they are going through the motions. If they offer up something less without the assessment, they won't have to follow through with that either. There have been many times they put me through this kind of stress and for nothing.

If it isn't next Friday, then it won't be till the end of May. I'm really being affected by this stress...the mind can't seem to assimilate it all.

((((((((((((( Sky )))))))))))))))

They do seem to be mucking you around a bit.

I guess you had got yourself all geared up for it, and now your not sure what is going on.

Lets hope they get a move on!

Thinking of you.

Wow it sounds as though the preparation and waiting for the team evaluation is as difficult as the evaluation itself.
Sorry to hear of this difficult time.
Good luck

Thanks for your replies.. .I'm really going out of my mind with the stress of this. There really isn't much "preparation" I can do... but yeah, the idea that it would be "over and done with" prep... and it isn't going to be over and done with... authority issues of when I was injured... authority not doing right... soon... I am so triggered...by this...

I have to tell myself it is not anything personal towards me...but that it happens the lady is out of town... that she didn't return T's call.... etc etc but you'd think someone would be doing her job if she's on personal time, or that she'd be checking her calls if she's working???? I mean, he called her Tuesday.

The anxiety has me. I hate this. I hate feeling this way... out of control, triggered. I called and left 3 messages for T and that was AFTER I saw him today. I don't want to live this way..and I can't see to feel like it won't always be this way... it sounds right, but no, not in real life...

I'm angry too, I think. How dare they upset me this way? How dare they intrude upon my life as I'm just barely going through the motions, not doing anything more than going to PT, T, eating, basic home... just to maintain the status quo? How dare they upset my status quo in the "name" of saying they are going to see IF I need help (when they had already authorized and paid for that help 7 years ago and then illegally quit it.)

Sorry guys. I'm really not doing well.

Let it all out Sky.

We're all here for you.

Petunia

Thanks Petunia. I'm waiting for my night meds to kick in so I can finish this night... (and I won't say it, but wish I won't wake in morning...at least not like this.))

I'm also struggling with the idea that my attorney believes it's all psychiatric...all in my head -only- in my head... and that's why they want my T on the visit??? Like I'm causing all this in my head??? That isn't possible to create lesions on the spine, bone spurs in the neck... I know my PT and my T both assure me I have real physical disability..

you'd think after 19 years of this stuff I wouldn't be questioning... it's the PTSD I know... but I work so hard in therapy to be able to function...to not be triggered...

and they are right that the team wouldn't get into my home by themselves... but they videotaped me for 2 years solid one stretch and know my limitations... they paid for help before... why are they insisting on a home visit NOW???

I fear also that once they do visit, I won't feel safe in my home anymore..and will have to move again. Haven't had a chance to share THAT with T...but I'm pretty sure he already knows this... he is the expert in PTSD, right, not me.

I hate this. I really really hate this.

I wish I could offer you comfort, Sky.

I send to you lots of empathy, a big fat hug, and a solid wish that everything will be okay.

That's comforting, petunia! Thank you. ((((everyone)))

A friend attorney( he only does certain stuff now) called me and gave me alot of advice about things going on in my life... and he gave me a referral to a friend attorney of his ... maybe I can hire him and fire my trash attorney!

I hope I feel up to this and remember to do this Monday.

((( sky ))) I am sorry you feel so trapped by this..I do think that T being there will make it a lot easier for you cause you know he cares and he will watch out for you....Hugs and prayers

(((((((((((sky))))))))))))))) I wish I had some words to help you but just know that I care and am here.

{{{{{{{{Sky}}}}}}}}

As always, I hope that the hearings and assessments and fighting for your rights and the care that you need will end soon and favorably for you. You've been here for me. Let me know what I can do for you.

Rap

Thank you sleeps, bipolar bear and Rap! I'm breathing through this. Avoiding, trying not to think... unfortunately I'm still awake at 3:30 am! Going to take another sleep med and if I sleep through PT and T then what of it? Let me go into overgeneralization now (cognitive distortion)... I must be crazy...how else would the ins co pay over $22k for physical therapy and another $22 k or so for psychotherapy? How can I think I'm ok when I'm soooooo not!

if we didn't have SKy's, where would angels fly?

Hope you're feeling better soon!

TY song.

Update: I'm not sure I'm going to be having the assessment anytime soon.

Sky,

What's going on?

Have they given you another date yet?

(((((((((((((((( Sky ))))))))))))))))

It seems they never set a date for assessment originally. The ins. co. claim agent called my T and proposed what they want to do and asked him to also attend. He hadn't decided yet to allow them to do this.

Because I'm so stressed about it, and other stuff in my life right now (had pneumonia; thunderstorms beginning again, issues with elderly parent) he wasn't sure it was a good idea. (I think he wasn't sure it was a good idea in the first place )

Then when I told T that I wasn't sure I could still live in the house after they (the enemy reps) were in it... (paranoia strikes deep)... he began leaning towards it not happening ...for sure not NOW......

He said it's his responsibility to protect me (psychologically.)

The PTSD is running rampant in my brain.

((((((((Sky)))))))))

((((((((((( Sky ))))))))))))