[Open Eyes]

One of my big problems was the distance that evolved between me and my daughter. And I know she doesn't understand me and this PTSD that has overcome me.

I have been struggling with what to tell her about me. And how to tell her. Well, she stopped by to pick up our truck and trailer that she uses for her horse and I got up the courage to go out and try to talk, maybe get a hug and just tell her I love her.

And then I tried to appologize to her and explain to her how I struggle and why. It was SO hard to tell her where it all comes from that even I didn't understand some of the things I had developed over the years to compensate for a very troubled childhood.

And it wasn't easy for me to raise her the way I wanted because of my troubled marriage and dealing with a husband that was a binge alcoholic.
I confessed to her that I was always scared and tried very hard to be good mother, try to be strong.

The one thing I forgot to remind her of was the years I also dealt with a bad case of endometriosis that really effected my hormones. I didn't just have regular PMS, I had the PMS as if I had several uterus's. That is what it does, it spread even down my leg and when I had my cycle it had a cycle too and increase the effects of the hormones that are so troublesome that most women struggle with that make them moody and even tearful for often several days. But for me, that wasn't all it did, I also about four to five days after my cycle would reel in pain from a fluid buildup behind my uterus. It was so painful I was completely imobile in pain and vomiting until it would subside. Every month I dealt with this and I went to a gyno and kept asking about it and was told it was just cysts and they could do nothing. They were WRONG and finally when I had an attack that would not stop I went to a different Gyno and they went in with a scope through my belly button and there for the first time in years I got to see what was causing me so much pain every month. And they lazored it out.

Then they gave me an implant of Lupron to stop my period so I could heal. That implant had a side effect to later be discovered of severe depression. And that is exactly what happened to me, I went into severe depression, could not even function or get out of bed. I finally went to the gyno and asked him what was happening to me. He told me I had no estrogen when he tested my blood and he also told me that he could help me by replacing the estrogen as well as put me on Zoloft. But he failed to tell me that it was the Lupron that caused this to happen.

Well, it took a few months but gradually like a fog lifting I slowly came out of the depression. I finally got myself back, however the Lupron wasn't finished, it sent me into early menopaus and that was no picnic either.

So I had that to deal with amongst finding out my husband had cheated on me and separating and trying to put my marriage back together so my daughter could have her family. So I also had to do marriage counceling and be told how my husband had never really grown up because of the alchoholism and I had to learn how not to let him push my buttons to mother him. And I did try very hard, and he DID try to push those buttons.

And it was very hard to keep up with my daughter's riding horses and showing too as well as the physical challenges and marital challenges I faced. Oh how I tried to keep it all together and be good mom.

Tonite I told her about the PTSD and how it went back to CSA that started when I was just a baby really and how I was always so afraid and stressed growing up, how it hurt me in ways I didn't realize. I told her that this event with losing the horses and ponies was so much on me that it also brought out a past that I never knew could be relived like I am reliving it now. I tried to tell her how it is not just a memory, it is so much more, it is crippling beyond anything I have ever could have imagined.

I told her that was why I hovered over her so much when she was little because I didn't want her to ever experience what had happened to me.
Also that she was an only child and never knew the challenge of siblings either. But then she told me it was hard on her when I fell apart, she told me she was so alone alot with me and no one was there to help her understand what was going on with her mother. She never knew how I was going to be because I was often angry or upset and unpredictable.
This all came about when my husband and I were separated, I was struggling with the endometriosis and trying to figure out what on earth I was going to do. I WAS VERY AFRAID AND CONFUSED AND DIDN'T REALLY HAVE SOMEONE TO HELP ME EITHER WITH ALL OF WHAT I WAS DEALING WITH.

Now that I look back, I am sure it was hard for her. I really thought I hid it, I know I tried and I really tried to keep her busy with her horse and learning and showing while I tried to figure out what to do. I guess I didn't hide it as well as I thought. I thought I comforted her, but I guess she was scared too. And her father was not really around for her or me really.

Oh and that creepy trainer situation didn't help either. I was REALLY overwhelmed now that I look back. And I didn't realize how much it effected her.

It was hard to hear her discribe me as unpredictable and confusing for her. I honestly thought I hid it, I do know that it did sometimes ooze out in front of her. God, it was just NEVER EASY for me, one thing after another comprimizing my life SO MUCH! And then I almost died too? And I didn't realize that her father didn't really comfort her, she was trying to take care of the farm while I was fighting for my life.

I have ALWAYS been fighting SO DAM HARD ALL MY LIFE. I honestly TRIED SO DAM HARD TO BE A GOOD MOTHER. It just seemed like every time I would gain any ground I would just get slammed. It was hard to hear it from her side, how it all effected her, in spite of my efforts.

Then, losing her horse because of our dam neighbor? And now me with this dam disorder she doesn't understand? I FEEL AWFUL TO THE DEPTHS OF ME. All I wanted was for my child to be happy, GOD I TRIED SO DAM HARD, but everytime I turned around there was something else I had to deal with. I know I really tried, I really loved her and beat the pavement so she could have her life with her horses and it WAS productive for her. I don't even know how I did it now that I look back at all the obstacles set in my path.

It just hurt to hear how she WAS hurt also. I feel like she blames me for not somehow being even stronger than I was. I know I TRIED. I have been trying ever since I can remember. I never really felt safe in my life, it got to be where I would wonder what big thing I was going to have to address each year. Looking back I can only remember one year I had some peace. I could not even go and have a dam colonoscopy without them injuring my spleen and winding up in the emergency room and then the ICU due to my speen bleeding waiting to see if I would have to have it removed. It is rare to have happen what happened to me, ugh, only me.

Now I have this dam disorder that no one understands. Everyone is angry at me because I am not strong enough, because YES I HAVE DAYS WHERE I REALLY STRUGGLE, AND I HAVE TO KEEP REMINDING MYSELF THAT "IT IS NOT MY FAULT". I have to find a way to love myself, even if I didn't or wasn't somehow strong enough, and it seeped over the edges with me often being troubled or angry or as is said unpredictable.

Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better if I didn't make it when I almost died. I would not be this burden that others don't understand. I don't know, people seem to think I should have been stronger, they can't understand why I cant seem to "JUST DEAL"OR "SNAP OUT OF IT".

I am very tired tonite. I hope you don't mind if I cry a bit.

Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

I really spent so much time with my daughter, worked very hard to read to her, help her learn around her dislexia, I met with all her teachers, took her to Yale for testing over the years, stayed on top of her teachers and trainers with her riding. I tried so dam hard. She did do well and is strong, I just had so many obstacles I was not prepared for, but I did walk away I did speak up, I did try to get help, I did try so hard.

She is doing well at her job and is confident, I just don't like that she was hurt too.

Dealing with alcholism in a family is very hard on the family. It was very hard on me in many ways. I loved my husband and tryed very hard to be patient, he is sober for 20 years now, but it took him a long time to finally grow up. I guess I was kind of raising two children and never really prepared for the things that compromised my ability to just do life like I wanted to. I didn't know what a binge alcoholic was, however my father was one, so I thought it was normal for a man to get drunk on the weekends like that. Now looking back, it was hard on my family too along with my CSA from siblings, well, I never really knew safety.

[kindachaotic]

(((((Open Eyes))))) Thank you for sharing your story. It took guts to talk to your daughter & also be open to her side. Be proud of yourself for this.

Gently keep the dialogue going with her. Maybe when she has kids she'll see they are a gift, that also take ALOT of hard work.

You & your family are in my thoughts & prayers.
I am near if you want to chat.

[Open Eyes]

Thanks kindachaotic,

I fell very hard yesterday, it has been quite a challenging week for me this week as well. A question was asked in my husband's deposition that should have never been asked. It had nothing to do with my neighbor's negligence or what happened because of it. And it was highlighting such a difficult time in my life where so much was going on I honestly didn't know what to do. And I can remember driving around trying to sort things out somehow, and feeling so incredibly alone too. And I had this child that I loved so much and wanted so much to be a good mother to her, and I didn't know what to do about all the mess that was really tossed onto my shoulders.

There was always this constant message to forgive, forgive, forgive and that it will set you free somehow. I sure did a lot of that, or, really tried hard to do that. I took time out to get to know my parents and their histories. I spent time alone with my father on his boat and asked him so many questions to learn about what was behind this man I knew as my father. We also discussed the difficulties my father had with my brother, how back then nothing was known about the disorders they know about today. My father was drawn to tears and told me that he regreted how he treated my brother. He told me that no one ever taught him how to be a father and he just wanted his children to be well behaved, speak good english, and get educations. I know that my father was sharing with me like he had never shared with anyone, and he almost never cried like he did with me when he spoke of himself and his regrets.
I am glad that I was there to forgive him, and tell him that he just didn't know and tried to do his best with my brother. I told him that it was important for him to talk with my brother as he did with me.

And my mother, she had no real picnic in her upbringing either and she was a victim of CSA by an uncle. My mother chose to tell me but never went into the details, she was just like every victim of that kind of abuse, didn't want to talk or let out the memories to be felt again. I really thought my mother did well considering HER life challenges and what tools she had to raise HER children with. And oddly enough when I was so small, so afraid, I always knew she loved me, but I aways saw her as being so overwhelmed with three children, no real help from my father and a son that was so hard to control and understand. At such and early age I learned to take so much upon myself in so many ways, but I was never really capable of handling the things I had to deal with as a child.

And as I look back on my life, well, I had a lot of challenges that I had to try to work through on my own somehow. And I really thought I had found ways to overcome so many things, make peace with so many difficult challenges. I thought I did survive, but when I met with this PTSD and the way I have been reliving my life, I feel very betrayed and I am very angry and I also have the feeling that I was just not strong or good enough. When people say "Just" get over it, deal, forget, that is the past and is gone now, move on, forgive, let go I get very angry, very angry because I thought I had managed to do just that, but it didn't work, I have this PTSD that is forcing me to relive so many things that my brain sealed off so I could just survive somehow.

Now, I am alone again and fighting again with something so many simply do not understand and can even be mean or blame me for being selfish and weak or that I SHOULD HAVE DEALT BETTER OR BEEN STRONGER OR THOUGHT OF "THEM" MORE.
So first, for as long as I can remember I was alone to try to deal with things that hurt me, frightened me, shocked me, that I didn't understand either. And now I am reliving all of it and in doing so again I am alone and expected to DEAL, GET OVER, SNAP OUT OF IT.

For this past year, especially, I have been doing nothing but try to find my way through this unbelievable thing going on in my brain. And I get so angry because though I try to express how very difficult it is, people around me think I am crazy, or that I was always crazy, or maybe selfish or that I should have done this or that or said this or that, ALL THESE MONDAY MORNING QUARTERBACKS with all their wisdom of all the how I should haves. And that other saying, "YOU HAVE TO LEARN HOW NOT TO LET THIS STUFF GET TO YOU". Gee, let me just think about THAT sentence.
I REALLY get mad when that statement is made, BECAUSE I THOUGHT I HAD DONE THAT OVER, AND OVER, AND OVER, AND OVER ALL MY LIFE. But I guess not because NOW I AM DEALING WITH A BATTLE IN MY BRAIN THAT TELLS ME HOW MUCH IT WAS HURT BY MY PAST.

My attorney this week said, when I expressed to him my displeasure about how he allowed that question to be asked and also if I was going to get deposed and how I don't want what happened last year to happen this year too. He said, "YOU JUST HAVE TO LEARN TO FORGET AND NOT LET THIS BOTHER YOU", "OE, YOU HAVE TO GET THIS OUT OF YOUR MIND". And then I got angry and I stood up to him with my stern voice and told him "WITH PTSD THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN AND IT IS TIME THAT PEOPLE RECOGNIZED THAT". And I told him that HE HAD FAILED TO COMPLY WITH MY REQUEST TO MAKE SURE A DEPOSITION FOR ME WAS DONE WITHOUT THE CONSTANT DELAYS AND HIS FORGETTING THEM. Well, he just got quiet, and I could hear his mind thinking that I MUST BE CRAZY SOMEHOW. He said to me, "I DON'T REMEMBER LAST YEAR, I DON'T HAVE YOUR FILE IN FRONT OF ME". So not only did he fail miserably last year, EVEN WHEN I TOLD HIM HOW DIFFICULT MY PTSD WAS AND ALL THE CANCELED DEPOSITIONS WERE NOW REALLY AGGRIVATING IT. Now, his voice was saying, "THAT IS OVER WITH NOW SO GET OVER IT". Oh, and yes, you still may have to finish being deposed and I do not know when that will happen.

I AM trying very hard to continue to "DEAL" and address the ongoing ignorance or disrespect of me by others. It was clear to me when my attorney chose to appologize to MY HUSBAND and not me about forgetting yet another deposition scheduled last year in spite of my request NOT to do so. The fact that I was put on a line of is, isn't since the first half of my deposition back in 2010 took place, okay, it is now 2012. And I am told that IT IS STILL HANGING OVER MY HEAD AND MAYBE IT WILL HAPPEN AND MAYBE IT WONT? This is not something that should be done to someone who is suffering from PTSD!!!!!

I am alone, I am misunderstood because somehow "I CANNOT SEEM TO JUST SNAP OUT OF IT AND FORGET OR JUST NOT THINK ABOUT IT". Yet, I am trying so hard to explain to others how crippling this PTSD that is now in my brain is. I am trying very hard to be kind to myself and do my best NOT to allow people to BLAME ME for something I truely cannot help. Yes, I realize that people are selfish, unreliable, ignorant, abusive, negligent, have diseases they cannot help, and it is a mad house when it comes to dealing with other human beings. And other human beings DON'T WANT TO KNOW IT, THEY CAN SOMEHOW IGNORE IT, AND "JUST DEAL". And many human beings do not like to be held responsible for "their" mistakes. And if they do admit it after many years, they truely expect me to, just let go and "DEAL". Well, I guess I was never really good at THAT game. I thought I was, I know I tried real hard, no, I never expected the end result to be this awful disorder THAT MOST PEOPLE DO NOT UNDERSTAND OR RESPECT.

So, I am on my own in so many ways, like always, trying to be kind to myself and tell myself, "IT IS NOT MY FAULT". I AM doing better than last year, I have great hopes that I will somehow overcome this curse called PTSD. But I do admit, it is quite a battle.

Open Eyes

[Cotton ball]

(((Open)))
Thank you so much for sharing this. It has touched me deeply. I am sorry you are in so much pain, I am sorry so many of us are in pain from these horrible experiences we have endured.
It is a struggle to look back on the past and wonder how things could have been different, or how we could have made things better despite our best efforts. The ways we have been hurt as well as thinking of the ways we have hurt others, even when that was never what was intended. It is also so scary and loney to think of the future..while in the midst of this.
I don't believe you can "just snap out of it". Please don't let anyone devalue your feelings in that way. Clearly they just DON'T get it. You can only try so hard until you reach a point where you need to accept they don't understand and nothing you say, show, or feel will or can make them. Accepting that concept is very hard and painfull. So you must somehow try to love, accept and forgive yourself.
I sometimes think that people who have endured great amounts of pain and loss in their lives can be their own worste enemy. We can hate and be angry with ouselves to such a point it is beyond detructive. It doesn't quite seem fair. But then again I guess life just isn't fair. Sometimes It's like "how did I become the bad guy, when all I've done is try to love and be loved and TRY TO SURVIVE"
I think it's really great you tried to communicate with your daughter about these issues. I hope that the lines of communication between you to will open and possibly create a new "relationship".
It's impossible to change the past, and very easy to look back in retrospect beating ourselves up and think how we could or should have done things differently.
I see strength and love in you. I hope you can see that to.
Try to go easy and love yourself.
Hugs,
Cotton

[Open Eyes]

Wow, ((((Cotton ball )))),

I think you are doing better in your efforts to work through PTSD. I think it is important to be able to say what you have just said. I say it a lot to others struggling through PTSD as you know. When we DO remind others like you are reminding me here, we remind ourselves too. It can be a challenge when we ourselves are trying to fight the battle and come to terms with what you are saying here to me.

What my daughter said to me last night was so very hard for me to hear. What she said was something I tried very hard for her never to have to say or feel. I honestly tried very hard for my problems and concerns not to be hers. As I think back I can see where she would have felt alone and confused many times. I supposed in my efforts to try not to put my struggles with her father along with my health issues and other challenges upon her, I suppose my angers and insecurites showed a lot more than I intended.

She agreed that her early childhood was safe, she felt loved and happy. But she said her worst years were her teens. And those years were very hard for me to hide how much of a toll my challenges where taking out of me. It was so hard for me to hide my anger about how my husband REALLY RUINED so much work I had done to try to raise our child right. Every time I saw her pain and fear and tears, I was SO angry about how much of a challenge it was for me to try to find a way to have that pain in her disappear and return to a much happier, secure child. Wow did I pound the pavement to keep her going in that horse world to distract her and keep her busy. Everyone accused me of spoiling her and doing more for her and not tending to my own needs. I just wanted to get her through to college and to HER future being as independant and strong and happy as much as I could.

Alcoholism, does destroy families, it destroys the efforts to try very hard to be a good parent and provide a good atmosphere for children and teens. And I knew that my daughter had a tendency to lean into that path herself because she was just like her father in many ways. All teens experiment with alcohol, and my teen was no exception and just like her father she would drink until she was totally incapacitated and took pride in her ability to hold a lot of alchohol. I did everything I could to get her to get her high and dopamine from riding, competing, learning and setting goals with her horses. She was so good at that and DID gain so much direction from it too. It was VERY HARD for me to keep up with that though. That world/sport/activity is so incredibly expensive and believe me, I was constantly working at my business to provide it for her.

My daughter DID tell me that had it NOT been for her being involved and busy with that horse world, she thinks she would have defiinitely turned to alcohol and partying. She told me that because her horse activities meant so much to her, she didn't want to do anything to compromise her learning and achievments in that horse world she had. So, I DID have it right, it DID work.

But when it just got ripped out from her, Oh God she was so happy that spring because all her hard work with her horse was paying off and she was on top of the game/competition. Seeing her in shock as it was just so unfairly ripped out from her BECAUSE OF NEGLIGENCE? That was the final straw for me, so much work and time and investment GONE, TAKEN.

I have to be honest, it truely made me question my faith. I sat outside a church MANY TIMES asking GOD WHY, WHY would I have to lose so much after all that I had tried to do in spite of what was set on my shoulders? And my daughter's shoulders as well? Someone along the way said to me, "It is the devil testing you, NOT GOD" and after thinking about it, I would have to say, that could be true. So, I continue to pray often and ask god for his help because the devil must really want MY soul as he is presenting many challenges upon me.

When all this happened and my daughter lost her horse, she did ask me why GOD would allow that to happen. I had to be strong and reply, God doesn't make things like this happen, but he is there to turn to to help you overcome it if you so ask him to. However, as she was asking this very question, I too was asking it in my own mind.

You are right Cotton ball, everything you are saying is right. Thank you for reminding me to stay strong and remember to take care of myself. And that you know how hard this journey is yourself. I am grateful we have each other for support and someone who does know the struggle that is truely hard to explain.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

Hi, Open Eyes. I am really glad you had a long talk with your daughter. It is a sign of progress. Please be kind to yourself and accept that you did the best you could under the circumstances when raising your daughter. That's all that anyone can do. It appears the relationship is healing and that is very very good news. As always, I wish you all the best!

[Open Eyes]

Thanks unhappyguy, I am still very affected by what she had to say. She said I made my choices and have to suffer the consequences. It hit me hard because my biggest choice was to do my best to raise her as best as I could. I just wasn't prepared for the challenges that were presented to me in my marriage as well as my health issues too. When she discribed me as being unpredictable, it brought me to many memories of how much I struggled with such unpredictablity in my life.

I have to remind myself where that statement is coming from and her age as well. I don't see how I could have done much better than I did given my circumstances. I know many people were amazed at how I was able to produce these horses for my daughter to ride and compete with. It is a very expensive sport. When I think about how much I spent, it is a wonder to me that I built up my business to be able to back her the way I did.

I just never expected to lose so much all at once the way I did. I sure had a lot of challenges in my life path, but I managed to keep getting up, dusting myself off and finding a path forward. I think everyone just kept expecting me to be able to do that, maybe I too expected that of myself. But I haven't been able to do that yet, this disorder has been very hard on me in more ways than I could have ever imagined.

Every time I was really ill, REALLY ILL, no one believed me. I think back on how much I suffered from that endometriosis FOR YEARS and kept telling the OBGYN and was told nothing could be done. But that was wrong I could have had lazor surgery like I had. And then when the Lupron side effect hit me full force, yes, I was treated but at that time the doctor didn't have to tell me, that side effect was only known by the doctors not public yet. But for YEARS I was so afraid that that horrible depression would return, if only I had known the REAL reason behind it, once again I had to find that out on my own, story of my life. That drug was bad news for me, the depression is presented was not just depression, I COULD NOT FUNCTION AT ALL. And my daughter talking about my break down, well that was NOT my fault. Yes, I am sure it scared her, it scared ME. But it WASN'T my FAULT. AND, I did work through it and continue to work hard and keep HER going in HER horseworld.

I was injured in a colonoscopy, they hit my speen and it was bleeding, NO ONE BELIEVED I WAS IN SO MUCH PAIN AND WAS AFRAID TO DRIVE MYSELF TO THE ER.
When I got there my legs gave out from under me and my husband YELLED at me to get up and stop it. I am literally dieing in my bed, my body cavity full of toxins from a leaking appendix, and the emergency team yelled at me because when they put me on the board the pain was unreal. Seriously, I am lucky to be here.

And this PTSD I am suffering from, same thing. I honestly could not make THIS up in my wildest imaginagtion.

Honestly? I think I actually have a high tolerance for pain because by the time I got REAL bad, things were REAL BAD, so bad that it was obvious once I was opened up how much pain I SHOULD be having.

Just when she said that discription of up and down unpredictable? I think about all the challenges I had, especially in her teens and there WERE a lot of REAL difficult challenges. I just wonder if people don't see me as just a human being, I am not this rock of All knowing the answers deity.

Yes, I feel bad, because I REALLY TRIED VERY, VERY HARD TOO. I don't know why I feel like I failed the way I do. I have been crying all last night all today and maybe I just need to cry and grieve or something. Maybe I just have been holding too much in somehow. And maybe my daughter and husband just truely never understood the demands put on me and that I really did do my best BUT I WAS ALSO CONSTANTLY SCARED TOO.

Yes, we at least got to talk some. And the bottom line is that we are BOTH hurt. And I still don't know HOW to fix that, I havent really known that since everything was so distroyed five years ago this year.

Raising a child is such a challenge, and it is a challenge all your life. Children think you are supposed to have all the answers, but we DONT have all the answers. The only answer I could really truely give her is that all we can really do in life is KEEP TRYING. Yes, I may have been up and down because I was angry and tired and worn out in my TRYING to do my marriage and life and I had challenges I was not prepared for. I have suffered illnesses that all I could do is try to figure out what these illnesses were and then TRY TO MEND from them.

My husband keeps going back to my foundation being so poor from my troubled childhood, YES that is true, but he ADDED TO THAT. He says that I would have faired better had it not been for my childhood, BUT I WOULD HAVE FAIRED BETTER HAD HE NOT BEEN AN ALCOHOLIC AND CHEATED ON ME AS WELL.

I don't know, I have to give this more thought to be honest. I am not in any way discounting HER feelings, I am glad she told me, I really am. It just hurt because I know I really tried and I did talk to her a lot too.
I tried to explain things as best as I could and I ALWAYS told her how much I loved her and was so proud of her. I also told her that all I wanted for her was to be happy, even if that meant she wanted to be up to her knees in pig crap all day, I didn't care. I never wanted her to think she had to be something special or high and mighty for me.

Open Eyes

If you don't mind me asking, how old is your daughter now? Is she married? Does she have her own family? If she chooses to go the family route, I think she will eventually understand much better. You are taking steps to heal the relationship but that will take time; it will not be fully healed by one conversation. It requires more time. They say time is a healer . . . and, it will clearly take time. Please do not blame yourself for your illnesses. You have been very forgiving with your husband. And, you seem to be taking some of the responsibility for his actions or, at least, be the fall guy for them. However, only he is responsible for his actions. The family game where you are blamed for everything has to stop. You did the best you could. Let the rest go.

[Open Eyes]

My daughter just turned 28 this year. She moved out a year and a half ago and has been living with her boyfriend and they have a house together. She is taking her time when it comes to deciding on marriage. She has NO children only her two horses, the one the neighbor's dog crippled and a young one she is trying to train.

Thank you unhappyguy, yes you are right this is going to take time. I was actually surprised she allowed me to talk about what I have and what happened to me as a child. I explained to her that because I experienced CSA I was very watchful over her growing up and that was why I prefered to have her friends come and play at our home rather than her going to a home where I could not watch her. AND, I made sure I spent time with her talking about what her body parts were and how to make sure she did NOT allow other children even to talk her into allowing them to do things with her. AND, because I did that and she knew, she told me about a friend she has who's brother and friend were molesting and the mother didn't know. Well, I had a conversation with THAT mother. Oh, I was so proud that my daughter KNEW what was wrong and came and told me, she was only six years old.

It just got real hard when she was 13, as that is when I found out my husband had cheated on me and did not use protection and the women were very active and I was very frightened I may have some STD from that. Remember, I was having problems every month, I was really scared and really didn't have anyone to talk to about it. And my husband an I were separated for a summer and I ran the farm on my own and I didn't know WHAT was going to happen. And my daughter WAS scared and she asked me to please stay a family because she always felt special because she was the only one in her class who's parents were not divorced.

A therapist told me that at this time in her life a divorce would really cause psychological duress and if I could manage to put my marriage back together, it would benefit her. So, that is all I needed to hear, SHE was THAT important to me. And I did what she asked but it was hard on me.

I didnt tell anyone but that one trainer that I was separated. Odd that they would ask that question in my husbands deposition. The neighbor with the dog didn't even live next door back then. This was over 15 years ago. I was not legally separated so it would not be anywhere on record. Yes, it triggered me this week, after I learned that question was asked in his deposition. That time in my life was very hard on me.
It has NOTHING to do with my neighbor and his negligence with his dog or my case.
I am angry that my attorney allowed that question to be asked as I probably mentioned. Forgive me if I repeat myself I do that when I am struggling.

I was just glad that my daughter actually listened because up to this point as soon as I would talk she would just say I was making excuses.

I am actually glad she DID move out because after she left, I really got bad and that is when I started having very bad flashbacks from my childhood. I have flashbacks that go back to when I was so little, I can't believe that my brain remembers so far back I was in a crib and I am so upset and so cold. And when they come, I AM THAT AGE and I can't get out of them they are really scary because I am VERY UPSET IN THEM. Sometimes they go on ALL DAY and all I can do is my best to endure them until they pass. My daughter would not have understood that. And I could not have explained it back then either, I could barely talk about it in therapy. And I don't get graphic in therapy. I just talk in general and try to learn how to comfort myself and deal with them.

Open Eyes