Wondering

I can't remember my childhood. I can only go by what some people told me about it. Not my familly, them, they don't say a word about it, everything is hidden in their book. But some people I went to school with told me this and that. It seems that my teachers and my mother,also my oldest sister has always pushed me since grade one to perfom on stage. My school mates told me I didn't had any choice and I was always on competition for any kinds of things and a lot of the other students were jealous of me because I was often the one who was chosen to do this. Also when I was on that stage, mistakes were not permited. Everything had to be perfect.

I don't remember that part of my life either. I have a couple of pictures of me on stage and some ribbons and trophee with my name on it and the date. To me it seem that all this doesn't belong to me.

Sometime I wonder if this is why I am so demanding of myself. I have a hard time accepting my failures and my mistakes. And when this happens I am ashame of myself and I treat myself very badly.

But since I became an adult I would never never get up on a stage or talk in front of people. I wouldn't do it to save my life. I also hate so much competition.

Anyway, I am just wondering.

Many years ago I had a pdoc tell me it was a good thing that I could not remember, sort of a self protection thing. Now that I am older things are coming to surface.
I believe our childhood holds keys as too the whys and whats of being an adult. Sounds like your family may have pushed you into doing something you may not have wanted to as a child and now that your older anything that has too do with that particular experience, ex....being the center of attention or being in front of a large group of people may have negative feeling.
The best thing you can do now as an adult is take care and nurture yourself. Not sure if my reply made much sense but I hope you are doing well.
Cher

It is so hard to stop imposing on yourself the things that your family of origen imposed on you. We really internalize those messages. I wanted as a child to have a chance to perform, and to have some recognition, and to be somebody. I wanted to be good at something. But my family just wanted me to stay invisible, and not call attention to myself, and keep depending on them for everything. I internalized the message that I'm supposed to keep being a failure. That's what they expect. Whenever I wanted to try anything they said I would fail. So I did, because deep down I believed them even when I tried out for something or made some effort. I never thought that I had a chance. I still sabotage myself. I just keep on carrying out what they started.

Different ends of the same phenomenon, maybe? Either way, it's so hard to get past it.

Sometime I wonder if this is why I am so demanding of myself. I have a hard time accepting my failures and my mistakes. And when this happens I am ashame of myself and I treat myself very badly.

Yup. That's exactly why.

That negative "voice" is easier to hear sometimes than to fight it off. And although we despise "the voice" and wish it would go away, it's familiar.

Like when a song that you can't stand gets stuck in your head. After awhile, you sing along anyway. You know all the words.

Changing the station is the goal.

Petunia

Thank you all!

Yes, the more I think of this, the more I think that I was pushed in doing things I didn't wanted to do and hated to do.

In another way, you would think I would be afraid of authority because of the teachers,my mother and my sister but I'm not. I can face any kind of authority and be very sure of myself. If I feel I am right, I will not step back. Sometime I think that maybe this is a kind of a revenge because I was pushed by authority when I was a child? Who knows with me? I can be very strange.

Sometime I think that maybe this is a kind of a revenge

I thought the same thing.

Honestly, time0, I think you have great insight about yourself.

It seems with every post you take a step forward, seeing things a bit more clearly along the way.

(((time0)))) I think you are gaining good insight into why you do and think the way you do! Keep up the good work!

I am with Sky and Petunia, I look at it as a positive thing that you are watching out for YOU.
HUGS
Cher

Thank you!

I do analyze myself often. Why I do this and that? Why I would react like this while somebody else would react in a different way? I think a lot.