[MotownJohnny]

No big long post. Just a comment, I find this a very hard, sad, lonely journey. And it seems to never end, when I feel like I finally see light on the horizon, it gets dark again. Just really sad tonight, maybe the Prozac will help. I'm going to go,out and ride and try to forget, I'll just crank U2 and Daughtry tonight, maybe throw in some Mellencamp. Try to forget, try to up my mood. Wish me luck.

[JaneC]

I understand. Hope the day gets better for you. Sounds like you have a good plan yo look after yourself there.

[kindachaotic]

Sorry you had such a rough night.
Hopefully the ride & your music helped.
You're trying & that matters!
Hope today & tonight are better for you.

[Open Eyes]

(((MowtownJohnny))),

Yes, this is how the "healing" goes with complex PTSD. This is what "complex PTSD" presents, this feeling of how "hard and sad and frustrating and challenging it is". Yes, it is up and down and often "tiring" too.

This is why I keep telling you "patience, patience, patience and lots of "self comforting". I agree, it can be "very lonely" at times too, I get challenged with that myself.

Two nights ago my husband came in from his night job and he was not in the door two seconds and began to "snap" at me. That "triggered" me badly and I didn't sleep well and the next day I was "dazed" and somewhat "disassociating" and I lose track of "time" when that happens. I suddenly could not remember "what" day of the week it was and because I work weekends was frantic thinking yesterday was Friday and I had a list of things I needed to get ready for the weekend.

At least I am able to "track how I was triggered and why" and even though I struggled, it was no where near as bad as I used to get.

Unfortunately, I live with a person who had "abused me" and even though he doesn't drink anymore and has gained considerable ground by consistently going to AA meetings and working hard on his bad behavior issues, he still has bad habits in how he treats me at times. In many ways he is actually a "good person" however, he still slips and "pushes my buttons and triggers me". When that happens I can have "night terrors" of the times he "did some bad things" in our relationship.

I often get "frustrated" when I get triggered and "struggle" and it is very easy for me to "slip into self criticism" too. However, I have also been consistently reminding myself to "self comfort" and "be patient" and "not allow myself to feed into self defeating thought patterns".

((Mowtown)), you need to understand that your "emotional injuries" evolved over a substantial amount of time. So it is going to "take you time" to slowly work through "how you were injured" and slowly develop "healthier thinking patterns" instead of the old ways you had "compensated' and never really "healed".

If we could actually draw a picture of these "injured" areas of your brain, it would look like many spots where you were injured and each and every area needs to be "validated and comforted and attended to" not only by others, but also by "you".

After these areas are "consistently addressed by you and a therapist and even others that will validate and comfort you", you will slowly begin to gain and develop healthier ways of understanding yourself and actually gaining.

When someone (or even any mammal) is traumatized, they will always be "sensitive" to certain "cues" that are reminders of the "trauma". We are designed that way simply to ensure our "survival". It "takes time" to address these "cues" and finally get to a point where you can "experience them" and be "aware" but realize that a "traumatic" event is not taking place right "now". Also, by slowly developing "new skills" that you "practice over and over" each time you have a "cue", you begin to "gain more and more skill at controlling again".

Remember Mowtown, no matter what we learn, we never develop a true "skill" until we actually "practice" it. This is why doctors and other professionals are called "practices". As in "anything" our sense of "well being and confidence" is born through gaining a sense of "ability" as we "practice" and "gain" more and more in our ability to do a "function" with more and more ease. We all get "frustrated" when we are trying to develop "any skill" and make a mistake somehow. Everyone experiences "anger at self and a sense of self disappointment" when they "make a mistake". With PTSD, this is "magnified" because we are working to "heal an injury".

You need to "accept" that you are going to continue to "struggle" like this, however, even though you have these "down days" you "can" gain on them gradually. Always remember, the "gain is in lots of self care and making sure you are around others that can "support" your overall goal in finally "healing".

(((Hugs)))
OE

[Open Eyes]

Another suggestion Mowtown.

When a young child is "frightened or hurt" a parent is "supposed to" comfort that child until he/she calms down and a parent is supposed to "discuss the bad hurt" until the child slowly actually "does calm down" and relaxes. This is called "nurturing". As a parent continues to "nurture" a human child, that child slowly develops "in their brain" the proper "self soothing" and "self comforting" on his/her own and their brains "slowly develop" ways to actually "deal with discomfort and fear and frustrations".

When a child is abused either emotionally or physically in some way, they are not taught "how to self sooth or have a strong sense of "self worth" that we call "self esteem". And the child begins to try to find ways to "compensate" and they never really have that original "calming" that a parent is supposed to help them with so their brains can actually "manage whatever incoming confusing messages that most children experience while developing".

What I hear you doing is that when you are having a "bad day" and are triggered to where you begin to produce "cortisol" in your brain that is getting you ready to "Fight or Flight", you get on your bike and try to "burn it off". That is only "one way" to burn off "cortisol" though.

The other way is by developing ways to send a signal to your brain that "there really is no need to "fight or flight" and the thought patterns have no "disturbing cues" in them that signals the "cortisol" to keep pumping into the brain that eventually tells the entire body, "time to act".

If a child is "not nurtured" they do no learn "how to practice this" and instead they become "hyper vigilant" and stressed and they develop other ways to try to deal with this discomfort, including "disassociate". However, a lot of other disorders can begin to take shape too. Some children withdraw into themselves, some children begin to act out and throw tantrums, and some children slowly develop narcissism that is not a healthy narcissism but that of a "bully" or "other unhealthy ways of gaining attention and sense of "control". Side note: most likely this is what your father developed in his childhood because judging by the way you describe his treatment of you, he did not know how to "nurture a child" and instead was only a "bully" to his own child.

What you need to "practice" more of Mowtown, is slowly learning how to develop techniques where "without acting on the build up of cortisol", teaching yourself to distract your mind into thought patterns that do not send "urgent signals" so your brain actually "stops producing the cortisol" and it begins to "dissipate" to where you are "calm again" and can "think more clearly" verses struggling with "urges and anxiety". This is the "just" that many others often suggest that people who struggle with "complex PTSD" are very challenged with to a point where they get very "overwhelmed".

What you are describing with these "bad days" is how something has "triggered you" and you go back to the time in your childhood and you end up genuinely struggling in an "emotional flashback" that you never understood "how to fix" and you "were not properly nurtured to help you develop "skills" in how to "adjust and just". That very important piece is "missing" Mowtown, and it is really not your fault, so you really need to stop "self punishing which only makes it worse and is "totally unfair to "you"".

Mowtown, ALL MAMMELS REQUIRE NURTURING from their parents. And if an animal is in the wild and their parent is not there to supply this, they do not survive.

However, you are human and you can "learn" how to establish these "missing nurturing skills/needs that you failed to receive as a child". But it "does take time and "patience" and a "good therapist" that you can finally "trust" and can "nurture you" in a way that validates and encourages you that your "father" failed to provide for you.
This is the "first basic skill a therapist must know how to establish" with a patient, and not all therapists understand this, so it is important that you keep reaching out until you "find the right match" in a therapist that you feel "comfortable working with". If a "therapist" reminds you of your father or you feel like you are going to be
invalidated, first try to discuss this with the therapist, if this therapist fails to understand this, then fire him/her and try a different therapist.

Also, what you need to learn is how to "not just act on a cortisol build up" but instead distract your mind to "calm thoughts and slower breathing" that actually signals the brain to say, "Oh, no emergency, no need to pump up on cortisol" and it actually stops producing cortisol and your brain calms down again. This is done by listening to "easy calm music like country western" or reading a book that has calming slow themes for the brain to contemplate, or watching a movie that doesn't have any "violence and has comforting messages in it" or practicing meditation.

Also DBT and CBT therapy helps because you learn how to better understand "uncomfortable cues" that others give off and have responses both to yourself and in responding to the person sending the cues, that helps you have a better sense of "control" which always signals or controls the "cortisol build up". Many of these "responses learned in these two therapies" are the things your parents lacked in properly teaching you as a child too. So, by finally taking these therapies, you can begin to "fill that gap that you just had not developed early on and tend to "self punish unfairly for".

Your father (if he is still living) and even your mother, are most likely going to continue being "dysfunctional" and they are not the only people out there that have these "dysfunctional" behavior patterns. You cannot "change" that, however, you "can" change how they affect you and how you respond to anyone who is "dysfunctional" and sends out "triggering cues" that you never learned how to respond to internally and externally before through "no fault of your own".

One of the things that "I" do, is when I am triggered and get all "wound up and confused in my mind", I go up to my room, where I have developed a "safe zone" and I lay down and just relax and let my mind "float" for about 1/2 hour or as much time as I need. I have found that after a while, I "do" feel better and I am ready to get up and can actually think "clearly" again.

For a while, I would struggle at night too, I was often woken up with troubling thoughts and didn't sleep well. I found that if I could find something to listen to on TV that was calm and educational, I could fall asleep thinking about that instead of spinning my wheels with my own issues.

Understanding what "complex PTSD" means and choosing to "not feed into it, but instead develop new skills to finally fill that void you have that is causing this ongoing disturbance", is how you "finally heal" and begin to "slowly" gain.

The human brain is amazing and you "can" learn how to overcome this ongoing challenge verses consistently feeding into it and "self punishing" for something that is "really not your fault and can be fixed with patience and time". Often people who struggle "reinforce the pain or injury" without realizing it. I have noticed that you are doing that without realizing it Mowtown, and that is very common in the early stages of experiencing the challenge and not understanding how to "self help or understand it". That is why it is "paramount" to learn about it and develop the "right" support system so you "can slowly heal and develop the skills you need that were not given to you so very long ago".

((((And lots of Caring Hugs to tell you I hear you and you deserve to heal))))
OE

[Fuzzybear]

Yes bears also require nurturing from their parents

[MotownJohnny]

It's all very kind and very nice of you to listen to me, especially when I am so verbose and just carry on and on. Today, I feel like I don't deserve even that, I just want attention, that I'm a spoiled kid, everyone has problems, so I don't know why I think mine are so special they merit all of this.

Today, I feel like I'm trash. Like he was right, I'm worthless and weak. Like I am sorry I'm alive. And that isn't a good place to be in. I hope the prozac kicks in and helps, I really need it to. I hate all of this, everything is spiraling downward when it should be looking up. Everything I did in the last year is becoming undone in a matter of weeks. And, if it keeps going this way, I'm going to think what happened last year was a tea party, my troubles will compound a thousand fold. I just want this particular ride to stop, or at least slow down enough that I can get off.

I'm a complete mess.

[MotownJohnny]

My father died almost 15 years ago, a painful death from lung cancer.

It was the only nice thing he ever did for me.

[Open Eyes]

(((MowtownJohnny)),

Hun, being "verbose" is part of the healing process with PTSD too. Don't worry about "needing" right now, especially "not here" ok? It's better to talk things out then to "shove it inward". You need to let all this out, "really", so don't worry about it and "do not treat yourself badly for needing this, you need what you need right now" and you need to talk and get this stuff out.

Sounds like today you are having emotional flashbacks, my instructions are "talk" as needed, and don't be so hard on yourself. Mowtown, don't damn yourself like this, that is "feeding into self punishing", don't let yourself do that, believe me, I had to learn that too, I still struggle but I keep correcting myself so I don't spiral down.

You are not asking things others don't ask too. Don't worry, ask, vent, whine, when ever here, "its ok" really.

(((Hugs)))
OE

[MotownJohnny]

It's all very confusing. The outer world and the inner. I was at work when I wrote all of that, being perfectly functional, talking with clients and coworkers. The outer world was fine. The battle is all in my head. And anything and everything can set me off. You talked about mammals nurturing their young. "My" cranes, a pair of Sandhills that live in my neighborhood, brought their baby by yesterday for a handout, as they often do. Dad was taking pieces of bread and giving them to the baby, even though the baby is full sized and flies like they do. That was neat to see, and very triggering - my dad never gave me squat except pain. My absolute worst memory, I think, is not one of the violent times, but when I was 7 and desperately wanted him to show me how to pitch and catch. My mother bought me a glove, ball, and bat. And she made him go outdoors with me. He threw it once, and then silently went in and got into drag as he did every night. Creepy scary dude, Norman Bates lite.