[Hellion]

I have realized I get rather self destructive when the PTSD symptoms really hit me. I stop caring about my wellbeing and just want to get sucked into it...even though I don't. I just don't know but I know when I feel vulnderable and have flashbacks I just want it to end....don't know what to do. Want some of a social life so I try go get out here and there to meet people but always afraid they will judge me for having issues....just dont know how to keep living like this the only conclusoins I can come to still involve living a ****** life because I am ****ed in the head.

[Hellion]

Sorry about more or less bad language, but I am fed up with this. Sick of hiding under blankets because I am worried of being killed by some unseen enemy. I mean most people have no clue how it is to live with this ****...I met one girl who got stabbed and was saved by surgery...and in a long time this has been the first person I have related to.

I don't want to hang with manipultive people, but I relate to people who have had ****ed up esperiences..but some people lie about it to take advantage so I don't know quite how to tell the difference. Having AS I have social difficulties so expressing things right can be hard for me.....but yeah I don't want to not live life on account of assholes but I also am sick of being taken advantage of.

[sandersdillion948]

Hi Hellion,

I have PTSD from numerous things, have you ever thought of going to school to be a therapist? I am 31yo and going to school to be a therapist because of everything I have gone through. We need to turn the experiences into a positive thing. I cannot help where I come from but I can take charge of my future as can you and direct where you're going.

My thoughts

[Bolivar83]

Dear Hellion: sorry you are going through this. Know that when I am deep in the PTSD flashbacks/symptoms, I feel very threatened by others. I don't give out trust in others so easily as I did pre-PTSD - I have to vet someone pretty thoroughly, and over quite a period of time, before I give up many personal details. I still don't invite anyone to my home but a few trusted family members - it's my safety zone, and I protect my sanctuary.

I feel like it comes in waves. And when I am engulfed in it, I just react. Afterwards, I have to clean up the mess/try to mend relationships. Although, it has gotten better in the past few years, but still can come upon me when I least expect it. Therapy has helped, and also reading about/sharing about PTSD with people who understand.

Good luck, hang on! I hope you can find some of what you need, here.

[Hellion]

Oh wonderful I spilt beer on myself, now have to clean a mess so my mom does not ***** about me having a beer at the age of 25. I really hate my life and wish to move out, cant even drink a little much and get any understanding....its always a bad choice that I could control if I just tried harder than putting most of my effort into it. Wll its not my fault my mom decided to get with a douchebag who does not respect people such as myself with mental disorders as real people. i mean I try and I ty to get him to consider therapy for his anger issues but he never wants to admit he has them. At least when I have freak out on account of my mental issues I take some responsibility but this guy never does and always accuses me or everenone else in the house of causing his problems.

[Hellion]

I guess all I can do is admit sometimes I drink too much and that is not the right way to deal with it....if my mom and her boyfriend want to keep refusing to see each others perspective and get along I cannot live here and deal with the drama I want to tell her that but don't know how.

[JaneC]

Hellion I am sorry that you are having a tough time, its really hard finding balance with this PTSD and still wanting to live a meaningful life, especially if you have to live in an environment at home that has so much drama and tension. It can't be easy.

I wanted to share something with you, and that is that I became addicted to alcohol about 6 years ago and have been abstinent now for over 3 years. I was using drinking to cover up how hard things were, I was self medicating to try to make what I was experiencing because of depression and complex PTSD go away, to feel better. IT DID NOT WORK. I did not get better, I got a lot worse and was suicidal for a long time. This is the message I want to give you...... that is.....once I stopped, and only then was I able to start to work on the real underlying issues and work towards healing. LOL it's a work in progress as you can tell from my posts.

But I wanted to let you know that maybe you are right, maybe sometimes you drink too much (not saying at all that you are addicted like I was, ok ) and maybe that is something you could change to work towards feeling less overwhelmed. It really does magnify the negative feelings. At least in my experience.

Take good care Hellion and be kind to yourself ok?

[Open Eyes]

Hellion, my T is also very involved with supporting AA and al anon. He told me that many alcoholics/addicts are people who suffer from PTSD and self medicated to try to help them with the PTSD symptoms. No one sets out to become an alcoholic, they just get into that addictive cycle to help them with their psychological issues/pain/even compulsive ADHD like my husband has.

I know that you feel like no one can relate, but there "are" people that can relate. Many of these people are going to AA meetings, ACOA meetings and al anon meetings where they find others who can relate and be supportive. My T donates time in these areas to support others that don't understand and need more guidance.

I am sorry that you are in an unsupportive environment, I know that challenge first hand. I have to be honest, I used Klonopin to help me when it got really bad for a while. What I found however, it while Klonopin can help, it can also make the suicidal challenge harder so I weaned myself off of it which was extremely hard for me. I only take it when I have severe triggers that lead to very painful cycles where I am in too much physical pain. That is what this lawsuit is doing to me because of the lawyer mess ups and how it feeds the PTSD and keeps me in the trauma. I have to say that is one thing my T struggles with and hates too, because it really interferes with my healing.

Have you ever tried going to an AA meeting? If you find the right group, it can be so helpful and supportive, instead of feeling so alone. You should see if there are any PTSD support groups in your area too.

((Hugs))
OE

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Hellion, my T is also very involved with supporting AA and al anon. He told me that many alcoholics/addicts are people who suffer from PTSD and self medicated to try to help them with the PTSD symptoms. No one sets out to become an alcoholic, they just get into that addictive cycle to help them with their psychological issues/pain/even compulsive ADHD like my husband has.

I know that you feel like no one can relate, but there "are" people that can relate. Many of these people are going to AA meetings, ACOA meetings and al anon meetings where they find others who can relate and be supportive. My T donates time in these areas to support others that don't understand and need more guidance.

I am sorry that you are in an unsupportive environment, I know that challenge first hand. I have to be honest, I used Klonopin to help me when it got really bad for a while. What I found however, it while Klonopin can help, it can also make the suicidal challenge harder so I weaned myself off of it which was extremely hard for me. I only take it when I have severe triggers that lead to very painful cycles where I am in too much physical pain. That is what this lawsuit is doing to me because of the lawyer mess ups and how it feeds the PTSD and keeps me in the trauma. I have to say that is one thing my T struggles with and hates too, because it really interferes with my healing.

Have you ever tried going to an AA meeting? If you find the right group, it can be so helpful and supportive, instead of feeling so alone. You should see if there are any PTSD support groups in your area too.

((Hugs))
OE

Never have gone to AA, and not sure it matters...but not entirely sure my goal is to never have another beer again for instance...i mean if that ends up being what I need to do so be it. But I am hoping to address this in therapy and work on it before i become addicted so that way I can still have a beer or two socially with people but not get carried away and go overboard. Main thing is I need to avoid drinking at all if I'm angry or upset about something.

But yeah I want to try and find more support like maybe a support group or a different approach of therapy so I am planning to look into that some more.

[Hellion]

Thanks for the support...but yeah gotta address the drinking issue. My brother confronted me about it last night and we argued but I realized his point and well yeah its just something I need to work on for my own good.

I also notice drinking can end up magnifying bad feelings and what not, feel better for a little while then go ranting and raving and being irrational because the thing that was upsetting me is still there and just got covered up for a while.

[Open Eyes]

When I was first diagnosed and seeing the first outpatient psychiatrist, I was drinking wine more than what is normal for me, I rarely drink and when I do it is only a glass or two of wine, I don't like to get drunk. I was drinking to try to turn my brain off and relax so I could go to sleep though, I had such a hard time sleeping and I was always so exhausted. I had a lot of night terrors, so when I drank some wine, that seemed to help but never got me through the entire night. I can understand "why" someone with PTSD would want to have some alcohol, but it really doesn't help the PTSD, in fact it can aggravate it for the next day.

I hardly ever have wine, I can go for months and not have any, but I admit there are times when I just want a glass of wine so I don't think and can just zone out some and relax.

OE

[Hellion]

Originally Posted by sandersdillion948

Hi Hellion,

I have PTSD from numerous things, have you ever thought of going to school to be a therapist? I am 31yo and going to school to be a therapist because of everything I have gone through. We need to turn the experiences into a positive thing. I cannot help where I come from but I can take charge of my future as can you and direct where you're going.

My thoughts

Not a therapist, before i dropped out though I was taking mostly psychology and sociology courses not quite sure what I wanted to do with it. But yeah I couldn't cope with a regular 4 year college living away from everyone...so I ended up trying community college part time and even that was too much.

Part of it is since I have PTSD from a shooting incident in highschool, sitting in a classroom(even though I know its a college classroom and I am not back sitting in class in my highschool) still makes me very anxious and hard to concentrate, being on campus makes me anxious since my mind relates it to 'school' walking by a school can make me uncomfortable even if its in the distance. I hate that sometimes I cannot support my 12 year old brother with cool things he does, he has been acting in plays but if its performed at his school I can't go because I know it will stress me out too much I saw one play he performed in but it was through another program and not performed in a school. But also the whole debt thing with no guarantee of finding a job in the field one studies.

I am actually on SSI and hoping to potentially volunteer at an animal shelter as I love animals and it could be a good experience. But it would have to be one that doesn't put down animals for any other reason then its suffering and dying and putting it out of its misery is the decent thing to do.

[JaneC]

I can totally relate to what you say about drinking initially feeling like it improves your mood.....but you are right, in the end as I said it does just magnify and make things worse. I am glad to hear that you will try to address it with therapy.

My goal was not to never drink again, mine was and still is.....I ma not drinking right now. If I feel like a drink I ask myself a simple question. Am I wanting a drink to feel better? If this is the case, then it will never be the right time to drink. And so, for now, I am a non drinker. It made it not feel so hard for me in the beginning......because thinking of something as forever can be pretty daunting!

Volunteering sounds like a great idea! An awesome way to begin to feel worthwhile, to build your self esteem, by giving something back. And youmay make new and lovely friends...who knows. I volunteered as an adult literacy tutor when I wasn't working or at uni, it was great.

Take care of yourself