Feeling scared to post

I have felt completely out of sorts the last few days, and have so many questions swirling around in my head that I really wanted to ask, but have been feeling incredibly worried about posting.

I am unable to lift the feeling of sadness and deep sorrow that I have, and no matter how I keep trying to live in the moment, practice gratitude for what I have.....I find myself fearing that something bad is about to happen.

I see people, meet for coffee and chat......but I feel numb, and fearful. What is this about? I really do get fed up of trying to figure out all these 'moods' or 'cycles' as some refer to them.

I know beneath the surface there is a lot going on, I have been triggered by the father of one of my sons friends, and each time I see or talk to him(which has been a few times in the last couple of weeks) I realise that I am drifting off and not even hearing what he is saying to me. I also expressed to my therapist that I know that no matter how uncomfortable I feel with whatever I need to talk about, that together we can work it out.........and that has me freaked. I feel strange.

Not sure what I need from this post....but I guess part of it was to break through the fear of posting, being judged stupid, being too vulnerable....ugh!

Hi JaneC. I know it can be hard sometimes to post your true feelings. Sometimes because you don't want to hear the wrong answers or feel like an attention seeker. I post not too often but more often than I reply to posts. And I feel bad because maybe I should stop feeling sorry for myself and maybe try to help others. I guess my point is you're not alone. If you want to vent go ahead. Isn't that what we do on here? I know I do because I have no therapist and my friends and family don't understand me. Not even my wife. Don't let anyone judge you. We are who we are and if they don't like it them it's their problem. Hope you feel better soon.

It's because he has the same name, comes from a place close to, and sounds like the last man to hurt me terribly. I just hear him speak and I feel myself cringing inside, and then I am gone into the distance drifting back for crucial information or in time to say hmmm, yes, uh huh at the right time. I feel so ikky around him!

But there is more, something about the way he looks and the way he looks at me......reminds me of something or someone way way back in my past and I just feel creeeeeepy, and ikky in my body and I can not stand being near him.

I think I am weird, strange and odd. I don't think that I respond to men very well anymore, I find that I will be talking to a man and suddenly something clicks in my head and I become weird and feel like they are after something from me, or they like me in a physical way and I become very cold and I think sometimes quite dismissive and rude.

That is so horrible of me, especially because I am sure that in reality they are not in the least bit interested in me......but my head just goes there and I become a cold standoffish person. I must come across very strangely. And then I feel like a really bad person, and worry if I'll ever be able to have a relationship again....and then I remember, I don't think I'll ever trust again in the partner relationship stakes.

I'm not sure if any of that makes sense, sorry. Just trying to understand what the heck is going on for me............

We are all caught up in our own unique dilemmas, what triggers us individually varies. Yet the reactions we have, and the associated feelings are so universal, even typical to use that word in it's literal manner, that I think we should feel reassured it isn't " just me". We are all in the same boat - ok, it's probably a lot like in Hitchcock's 1944 film 'Lifeboat' - a bunch of unique characters thrown together by disaster, each with issues, some literally the enemy, and facing a very uncertain future where the chance of death is overwhelming, and somehow they make it work - well, the survivors do.

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lifeboat_(film)

We are all slightly more complex than others. We need more reassurance or more attention. Or more of our own space. Or even the complete opposite . We need listeners and empathy. We are more cautious due to past experiences or we just over analyse things too much. You're not horrible. You're just more cautious and that is a good thing. Because you don't want to be or feel anymore hurt than is necessary. So if he wants to get to know you then he has to know the real you. Not what society expects you to be. Not some persona that others expect you to be, and not to behave how everyone else behaves. We're different and if they don't like it, then they don't deserve to know us.

((Jane)),

It's ok, and actually "good" that you continue to verbalize the things that challenge you.
What you have discribed is that when you are interacting with certain types of men you get "stressed" and feel "unsafe" and even "aggitated". This reaction is "normal" because you have experienced some big challenges and genuine "threats" from men in your past and you have "yet" to work through these experiences to where you can finally gain a sense of "empowerment" and "self confidence" around men. This is something many women are challenged with and it takes time to work through the "triggers" that come forward and slowly dismantle them by developing new skills when you feel uncomfortable.

I have these challenges myself and I get triggered all the time because I am married to and live with my husband who presented me with challenges that led to my feeling "unsafe" and he did "verbally abuse" me and blame "me" when it was not "me" that really had the problem. Wow Jane, just this year alone I have finally learned about "how" my husband struggles with two disabilities "compulsive ADHD and dyslexia" and how that challenges him that ends up being taken out on me. And don't forget that I was also very challenged by a lawyer and literally trapped with him for over 5 years as he was declining mentally into dementia. I tried to get away from him and at the same time getting worse and worse with PTSD symptoms with no help for a while either. Then I had to deal with my neighbor, also a man who continued to "intrude" on me and in all cases I was often ALONE when having to deal with these challenges, where he would pop up and startle me when I was alone and out trying to feed and care for my ponies, I still am very uncomfortable when I go out there by myself all the time tbh. I know very intimately what you are discribing of how you react too. At least you can be alone when you need to have space and focus on working through this challenge, I have not had that and often when I spend a day with my husband, I am totally exhausted. Oh, Jane, I don't know what I am going to do, I can't change the fact that my husband has these challenges that are not his fault, that he does get "stressed out" and can't sit still or gets very short tempered with me when he is under stress. I never know what he is going to be like when he comes through that door either, it is such a challenge for me now.

It took a lot of courage for me to post a thread about my challenge with my husband too. I felt "guilty" and that I was doing something wrong because he struggles with something he can't help. I feel like I should be "grateful" that he stopped drinking and has been sober and that he works very hard and has provided and does "try". I feel like if I am honest about the behavior patterns he has with his compulsive ADHD that I am not respecting that "disability" and being "forgiving" enough. However, I find myself wishing that I had been able to learn about that "challenge" of his years ago instead of just living with the Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde even in sobriety.

Jane, all you can do is brave it and continue to allow yourself to talk these challenges out, even if you somehow feel you should not. It's just time for you to finally work through these challenges so you can understand it all better and work on finally overcoming "whatever hurts" you have dealt with on your own. That is what I am trying to do as well, I realize that I deserve to get the help I need to finally "heal".

(((Gentle Caring Hugs)))
OE

Jane, I can totally relate to you feelings about that man. I was molested by a dirty old man ages 6-10ish. For years, till I entered treatment at 30, I thought that every old man that looked at me was having the same thoughts. If I saw a man that resembled him, I would have a panic attack. I don't have the same reactions now, but I still cringe if I see a man who reminds me of my abuser. Perhaps your issue will lessen with time, but for now, try to not let it interfere with having a friendship. Realize what your feelings are and where they are coming from.

Thank you all.

I am quite confused about my reactions, and I think that it is all me, over reacting as usual. I never used to have these issues until the last few years since the ptsd took over and I began to crawl out of a deep deep destructive depression.

Even then, after all I had been through I still had some hope that I could find a relationship with a man, and tried again(silly really when I wasn't well myself) and ended up feeling more intense pain. I am not sure I'll ever be able to go there again, my lack of trust is clearly evident......and I even struggle to enter into friendships. Hah! That is an understatement, I don't quite know what happens but my insecurities and fears and trust issues get in the way.

This is something I need to sort through with my therapist, but I don't know when we'll get around to it with everything else we have to face. I am feeling quite overwhelmed.

Trigger....talk of violence

Oh OE

You have had so much to deal with, I am wishing peace and calm for you.

I understand what you talk about here. My first husband was verbally abusive, he used to threaten me with violence(I haven't spoken about this really before) and I also didn't know what he would be like when he came home. He would be worse when he would drink. At the end I was locking myself in my room terrified of him, I really thought he might kill me. He owned guns and threatened me one night whilst holding his rifle pointed at me.

The final straw, almost, was him standing over me screaming all the obscenities at me and telling me that if I really loved him I would be swinging at the end of a noose from the doorway.

Sorry, I don't know why I felt the need to write that....I do hope it triggers no one.......it has me now. I can see that room, that doorway, and feel the terror. Sorry......gotta go calm down, in tears and having trouble breathing.

Jane, I think that being able to talk about it/write about it is a sign of progress, even if it hurts. It is a level of detail you haven't gone into yet, at least on here. I think it means that you are processing some of these experiences in a way that will ultimately prove helpful.

Hang in there, and know you are loved here.

Its 1.30 am and I cant sleep. I cant stop seeing the past, and dont want sleep because I dont want to dream about this.
I hate that I was so weak then to stay with someone who treated me so badly........and I did nothing. I cant stand myself and blame myself so much.

I really want an extra appointment with my therapist, but cant get mtself to send an email. I can manage alone but I just dont want to.........wish I did nt have to.

((Jane)),

I am sorry I did not see this right away for you, there is such a time difference between us where I am sleeping while you are struggling and need "support".

I am so sorry that you went through what you have discribed here. I had challenges too and look back and wonder "why" I stayed too. What I can say though is that finally being away from that experience that I went through and being with a therapist that understands more of what I was experiencing and what it meant has been much more helpful, I did not have that back then. I also realize that some of "why" I stayed is because of how "my mother stayed" when my father treated her badly. The bottom line is that "I had unknowingly learned how to be a victim". I had learned to live the cycle of abuse "all my life" tbh, I just had not realized it. It is "someone is bad" and then the honeymoon where they behave, until they are bad again, that is what I have dealt with ALL my life.

Jane, believe it or not, this kind of syndrome happens to A LOT OF WOMEN. This is something that takes place in a lot of families on different levels. This can be perpetrated by either parent too. It is something they see take place growing up and grow to think that this behavior is "normal to a relationship" too.

However, this isn't just "you" or your problem, if you really pay attention to society and our culture, women were always expected to be "submissive" and "less than" their male partners. Some cultures are still "extreme" with this belief even "now". While you have an "extreme PTSD" sensitivity to this challenge, MANY WOMEN still deal with this challenge and stress in their every day life, they just are not dealing with PTSD.

The way dysfunction takes shape in the home from this challenge can vary too. Often the children are not given the permission to have emotional needs and this can present many challenges later in their adult lives, you are actually seeing this in your own family that is "still" not capable of giving you the "support" and "caring" that you wish they would. Think about it, who has come and interacted in this forum that talks about getting the love and support they need from their family members? You are in your 40's and struggling, but believe me, you are not alone.

Jane, when you discribe locking yourself in a bedroom being afraid, I LIVED THAT TOO. Honestly, now that I look back with what I know now, WHY DID I STAY? I was a good mother, but I was ALONE with that and the relationship I had with my husband and HIS issues was the main thing that consistently challenged the way I wanted to parent my child.

I remember when President Clinton got caught cheating, that was a big deal, WHAT DID HILARY DO? She "stood by her man" remember? What did she show "all" women to do? She even "self blamed" and said that it was her fault because she had not been emotionally available to him. Well, I don't think he was looking for that when he cheated, no, he was just being a "selfish jerk" and I am willing to bet he did not change his behaviors, he just was much more discreate. There was/is a lot of this taking place Jane, so don't for one minute think "you" are the only woman that "stayed" when you should have left a bad dysfunctional relationship.

Jane, you are one among "many" women that were challenged and stayed, so do not think that you are "exceptional" and more of a failure than others, because that is simply not the "truth". Look at Mowtown's mother, she stayed and her own daughters "protected the abuser" in his family, he was THE ONLY ONE that wanted to change that and do the right thing for his mother.

You deserve to "grieve" these experiences, but you don't deserve to "self blame" Jane. You need to be able to talk about it, just as many others do too, and be helped to understand that "yes" you suffered abuse and like many other women, you did not really know what to do about it, because that is the "truth".

(((Big Caring Hugs of I hear you Jane, it's not your fault))))
OE

((Jane))

It isn't your fault, you are not responsible for the way you have been treated. I know it's hard to cope, to sleep safely, to feel secure. But it is not your fault that things are like this.

Well done for carrying on, for posting on here and not giving up. I hope that there will be something helpful soon.


Bluegrey