[phénix_zzz]

I'm struggling today. I am staring down a major trigger at the end of next week. A series of events aligning with the calendar day reminder of when my trauma story began. Or at least the part that destroyed everything I ever believed in.

It's been years since the event happened. And the trauma events keep happening. Again and again and again. I'm not sure if I'm allowed to post details, so I'm being vague.

The nightmares are back. Night terrors too. I'll wake up screaming and running from my bed. Convinced that there is something or someone in my house who wants me dead. About a month ago I had a client at work who threatened me - and he had attributes of an abusive ex-partner I had. Down to telling me how he could kill me with his hands. My colleagues told me not to be alone with him. I didn't realize how much this scared me until hours later when I looked down at my hands and I was still shaking.

The end of next week marks the anniversary of the first event in a year of sheer hell. A year of rape, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, psychological terrorism, and so much more. A year that destroyed what I knew of safety, friendship and family. A year that triggered so many more things in my life...

My brain keeps going there. Back to that one night. The panic. I thought I was going to die. The terror. The loneliness when no one believed me. When my friends betrayed me and my family blamed me. I lost everything because of that night. I've done enough work to know it wasn't my fault... I was drunk and in and out of consciousness, there's no way I could have given consent. But that night still destroyed my life. And years later, I still feel the pain.

Needed to get that out. I feel like my world is spinning and crashing. I've returned to so many of my negative coping skills - but it's my only way of getting by. Thoughts get so dark... it's better to starve/purge/obsess than to go to the depth of darkness, right? :/ Not sure what my point is here... just... need to not be alone.

[SecondSkin]

You're not alone. I wish I could come up with more comforting words right now. Take some slow, deep breaths. It's easy to fall back into destructive coping skills. I do it. It may feel good in the moment. But you deserve so much better. You deserve to nurture yourself in a healthy, gentle way.

[Bluegrey]

phenix, thank you for telling us how you are feeling. I'm sorry things are so tough for you at the moment, and especially that there is the expectation of worse to come.

We are here and will listen - you are not alone.


Bluegrey

[Open Eyes]

((phenix)),
I am so sorry you are experiencing these flashbacks, I know how inconvenient it can be.
It is very important that you keep reminding yourself "not now" when they happen, that helps to weaken them. Acknowledging that "yes, that did happen, but I am safe now and these things are not happening to me now" is important to keep doing for yourself.

A lot of self soothing, making sure you have a safe and secure place to go when you get stressed is important. You need to do your best to not feed into these uncomfortable memories, many people who struggle think they "have to" remember, but they can learn to slowly make gains on reducing the severity of the episodes they experience.

However, if you need to come here and "vent" and be validated, that too can help reduce the stress of feeling alone as others understand the challenge too.

(((Gentle Caring Hugs))))
OE

[phénix_zzz]

Thank you to the three of you for your comments and support. Very kind of you.

I'm trying to keep grounded in today. I've got plenty of distractions whirring around me today and tomorrow, so that is somewhat easier. I still find my mind slipping into the past. Going back to that night, that place, that room. I can almost feel it physically - not just see it. Does that happen to anyone else? It's no longer a fear that it will happen again or an anxiety response for safety... it's this deep, insatiable sadness that creeps in. This is when it all began. This is when everything changed for the worse.

I spent years trying to kill the 19 year-old me that was that girl. That incredibly naive girl that went out that night and didn't imagine that such things could occur. I'm still not a fan of that girl... but I've come to accept that the whole experience made me who I am today. I like who I am today when I'm not overcome with self-hatred for other things... or feel like I'm completely hopeless to ever be "normal" - or at least happy, joyous and free.

I don't now. I've just had so many experiences... too many. It feels like I'll never be free from this PTSD thing. That's why they gave me the C-PTSD. One too many traumatic experiences. In some cultures they say part of your soul breaks off when things like this happen. Well, my soul has been shattered so many times I lost track of how many pieces I need to find to be whole again.

So yeah... distractions help. This day will pass. This next week will pass. October will pass. And I won't have such a drastic calendar-year memory response until Jan/Feb. This will pass.

I say the words, but I don't feel it. It's like I'm breaking off more pieces of myself and leaving them scattered about the house. I hope that doesn't sound too crazy. I can smile and be present and happy and mostly authentic. But I'm also this incredibly sad, incredibly fearful, incredibly overwhelmed person. I'm both. I'm all. With very few people out there that are safe enough to know the whole me. Not one person in my family. No a single friend. No one sees the total picture of me. My therapist kinda sorta does.

But anyway - in today. Today will be okay. I can figure out the rest of my head another day, right?

[Open Eyes]

Most people that struggle with PTSD feel no one in their family or group of friends will understand or comfort them in a validating way.

My T says PTSD is the failure to forget, people who don't have PTSD do not understand that and typically insist the person struggling "forgets it and "just" gets over it", they do not understand that is just what the person struggling wants themselves.

Yes, there is "sadness, overwhelm, and fear" with PTSD, you are not alone with that challenge.

((Hugs))

[phénix_zzz]

Thank you all for your support. Today has been pretty rough. Feeling so low and so down. I hate this week. I hate everything about this week. I am part of a 12-step program and my "home group" meeting is tomorrow. I've got my T appointment on Monday and seeing my nutritionist on Tuesday. I will have support... it just doesn't feel close to enough.

I can't stop feeling this way. I want to... I like what you said there Open_Eyes about how people with PTSD want to forget. Yes, absolutely, sounds fabulous. Anyone know how to do that? I've tried so many things... even EMDR... and yet I'm back here again. :/

[Open Eyes]

phenix, you need to realize that with PTSD the main challenge is "stress" because that is how a person develops PTSD, it is a build up of stress where something can trigger a stress breakdown to take place.

The challenges you are having right now that are overwhelming you means you need to slow down are take things one day at a time. You are dealing with being "overwhelmed" right now and any added stress can be very hard on you right now.

It is going to take you time to work through the challenges that you have discribed here, which is just "some" of your overall challenge. You are going to have to slowly learn how to gain on practicing "self care and self soothing" so you learn how to reduce the "stress" that typically people who struggle only feed into unknowingly.

You can't change what happened to you in your past, but, you can work through it and slowly identify the "stess" that you have harbored from that experience and get to a level of finally making piece with it, seeing how you may have adapted to "bad" coping mechanisms that you just did not realize that is finally coming out in the now "stess overwhelm you are experiencing".

The truth is that a lot of people utilize "unhealthy coping mechanisms" and these all lead to being "stressed" which "anyone" can develop even "depression" as a result, or do other things in their lives to try to "cope" because they just don't understand how else to cope.

Honestly, as you learn how to "structure" your healing, you will continue to make gains on your ability to cope more and "stress" less. Each person will be different depending on what their history is, however, believe me, you are not alone in needing to learn better skills in managing your stress levels. You can "hate the stress" but not yourself, you are on a journey of healing, that is all and you are not alone with that challenge either.

((Caring Gentle Hugs)))
OE

[Bluegrey]

phenix, a lot of what you are saying really resonates with me. I'm too new at this to have much in the way of answers, but the one thing I do when things are hard is to be stubborn. Ok, I might not be able to make forward progress, but I'm going to stand still rather than go backwards. Or if I'm being dragged backwards I'll drag my feet and try and at least get back to where I was.

It doesn't always work, of course - if I'm triggered I just react and can't think logically at all. But once a flashback has passed and I'm over the worst, the stubbornness usually manages to kick in again.

It's horrible when there doesn't seem to be any hope of things improving, and I know how it feels - especially wanting support and there just not being enough. Hang on there, we are here for you anyway.


Bluegrey

[phénix_zzz]

Thank you both for commenting and leaving support. It helps to know I'm not alone. I do need to accept that this is the reality - that the stress part of PTSD is real. That negative coping only exacerbates the stress of it all. Intellectually, it makes so much sense. I can look at it and understand and agree wholeheartedly. Something gets lost in translation to heart and action... but i like the idea of "dragging my feet." Honestly, that's what the ED does. I get triggered to just give up... this idea that it will never be better and I'm a hopeless case. Head goes to very dark and scary spaces. So I embrace the ED because starving does hurt me, but it's oh so very slow of a process. I almost always pull back out once the intensity has passed. Get back on track, resume recovery. This back-fires on me at times. But for the most part, it delays the worst of the thoughts and then I work with others to get back on track with food and meal plans all that jazz. So here's hoping I can get back on track.

Today has been too busy to be lost in the past. Exhausting, but helpful. This week will pass, one day at a time.

[Open Eyes]

phenix_zzz,

The reason you turn to ED is that it gives you a sense of control over "something", people who are stressed in their lives because of the things they experience that cause them to feel "unsafe or having no control", find different ways to gain some kind of "sense of control". All these different coping methods really do however is distract the mind so that a person can shut out whatever is stressing them.

The truth is that within human nature there is and always has been "stress" and "fear", and the reason why we survived is because we consistently developed new ways to find a sense of safety and structure that helped our species feel safe. The truth is that you are not the only one that is challenged with stress. If you just set yourself and your issues aside and look over this entire site for example, there are so many people that are trying to learn how to deal with their stress and so many different "labels" that challenge them because of "stress" too. The truth is that you are really not "alone" or less than anyone else in reality. You are more a part of "just being human" than you realize. It is important to understand that too because part of reducing stress is understanding you are a part of the norm when it comes to the average challenge that every human being has to learn how to manage better.

If you were to go to a busy shopping mall and just sit down and "people watch", you will see people that all look different in some way. They are not all perfect models either, every one of them has something they don't like about themselves, something they try to hide and stress about too. When people look at you, they are not looking at you, they are stressing about you looking at them, all human beings are like that. Well, every single person you see will have a "story" and that story is never one of "everything is great in my life and I am stress free".

Right now you are dealing with PTSD, you don't know how to manage it or what it means. Well, it takes time to discuss your own personal challenges and work on finally making the gains you need to make so you "slowly" learn how to manage the stress that challenges you better. However, "all" people work on this all their lives, and you need to find your way to understanding that you are actually more "a part of" then alone and separate from.

You don't have to be sorry or even feel guilty that you struggle with stress and that right now it can be crippling at times too. You really don't have to be sorry for "just being human", because all human beings are challenged with how to deal with stress. All human beings are learning constantly about "how to manage", and all human beings struggle to talk about their stress too. When you think about it, it's rediculous to be ashamed to talk about something all human beings have to learn to manage.

For some reason your coping method became ED, so, what you need to slowly learn is "how" to develop other coping methods that are actually much more productive for you, instead of "destructive" because ED is only one of many ways people adapt to stress that is not truely productive. The truth is "you can develop a better way to manage stress", you just have not learned or developed the skills yet, but you "can" learn, and it is important to realize you are only one of many that are learning how to better manage.

((Supportive Hugs))
OE

[phénix_zzz]

Thank you for taking the time and energy to write and respond. It's appreciated.

I've done all the safety planning I can do. Tomorrow is the anniversary of the whole trauma story beginning. Yes, there's a lot of PTSD reactions in my head right now. There's a lot of grief and loss and mourning. I told my therapist that about 99% of the time, I know what happened that night wasn't my fault. I get that now. But the day still represents losing absolutely everything I had known about this world, safety, people, friends, and family. So the day still has great power over me. I don't fear it happening again... but I do mourn for the person I was before rape. And almost laugh at the cruel irony that the first person to believe my story was this guy... who was kind for a month before turning into the single most violent, harmful, narcissistic and possibly anti-social creature I've ever been around. The one that offered protection hurt me and broke me past the point of repair. Or so I thought. I'm still trying to pick up the pieces... and I won't give up. I can't.

I've got a busy, full day at work for distraction. I'm leaving town tomorrow for a fun weekend away. I don't want to be anywhere close to the college campus where it happened (15 min from where I live now). I have a new friend in my life who is going with me on the trip and who knows NOTHING about this. I'm grateful for that. Conversation will stay in present-day, 2014. Weekend activities include all sorts of adventure and fun. I'll be home on Sunday in time for my home-group meeting of EDA.

I'm trying to remember that this was also the beginning of a career path committed to helping others and social justice for victims of violence. There are positives here. I can keep my thoughts positive and make plans for a brighter future.

The unspoken part of this is that I've barely eaten today with zero appetite. Zero interest in eating anything at all. I'll make myself eat tomorrow because i'm driving 4 hours after work. The other unspoken is the paralyzing sadness that creeps in when I sit still for too long. I came very close to being in a nasty car accident on the way into work this morning. I swerved to miss the pick-up truck in my lane and honked... he swerved back to his side of the road. I wasn't even shaken up... just that fleeting thought "oh, I almost died. Hunh" and kept going. That's the part that scares me.

I can do all the healthy coping skills in the world. Talk to friends, distract with those who don't understand, play the piano, draw, paint, sculpt, play video games, watch cheery television, watch sad shows so i can cry, journal, play computer games, go for a hike, sit in the sun, meditate, read a book... but nothing is working to get past this incredible, almost impenetrable sadness. All that stuff distracts in the moment... gets me through... but doesn't heal. Doesn't resolve anything.

I miss being the person that loved her life... that more than survived, who thrived. I miss being happy, joyous and free. I want to believe it's possible to be that person again. It just feels so... insanely far away.

So yeah, tomorrow is the day. Friday, October 10. I hate this day of the year.

[SecondSkin]

Thinking positive thoughts for you. Just breathe.

[Open Eyes]

It is good that you will be away and doing fun things in the now.

Did you watch that video I posted? Take time to watch it and make it a point to get the vitamins he talks about, I have to do that myself.

PTSD is notorious for not being hungry or being hungry for the wrong things. You will need to learn how to eat the things that benefit your chemical balance as well as feed your muscles with proteins too.

If you think about it, if a person is going to "flight" which means a cortisol build up then that person will not have an appitite.

As far as your fear of trusting is concerned when it comes to males, there are signs you can learn that are danger signs which will help you identify potential risks. The risk increases with women as they get to be certain ages, not your fault. Also, there are things you can learn "not" to do around men that invite/attract the wrong kind of men to you. Women who are shy and run away often attract a man who is more aggressive. Also you have to learn to be careful about sharing your weaknesses/challenges with a man too. Women often desire a strong protector type, but that is not always what the woman gets because they fall into a trap that an agressive male sets. It is just a matter of understanding the nature of the beast.

Go and have a nice weekend, make sure you stop and eat some healthy things too.

((Hugs))
OE