Thinking back....

<font color=blue>When I think back I wonder if symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder happened earlier the I thought, with school, and that is how I got alot of school anixety? I remember being in the 'muppets' a class before Kindergarden. I remember on one occassion that I was standing by some building blocks and this little kid named Kris came over and strangled me, and the teacher really didn't do anything about it. My twin even remembers that. I think that triggered school anxiety for me then, cause I remember always feeling the symptoms, but obviously didn't know what they were at that time. Then I was tortured in school, which caused panic attacks , still not knowing what they are, but I didn't go back to school, I wanted too but couldn't. Then that triggered depression. Then I got into an abusive relationship, which I didn't know it as until a year and a half later. I was then in denial about the rape, that what I went through was verbal, mental, physical, sexual, and emotional abuse. I remember writting down a 3 or 4 page thing of all the things the ex did to me. I remember letting my then bf (even though it wasn't sexual, more like a good friend) read it and he couldn't finish reading it, and he told me it was abuse. I became depressed then. I think I started to write that after I told my Psychiatrist for the first time. Then the body memories surfaced, and I didn't know what they were, I didn't know what any of it really meant until this past year. After that abusive relationship ended I found myself in numerous sitiuations where I was either sexually harassed or assaulted. I always wondered why I was the target of stuff like this. Up until 3 yrs ago I realized what a real relationship was. I thought it was ok that I got treated that way. I also minimized the abuse, which kept me stuck in the past and dealing with the body memories and just remembering.

I remember at a young age that I would get 'daydreams everyday about rape, kidnapping, abuse etc. Just recently they have ended even though it happens once in awhile. I couldn't get myself out of them ,they were not dreams cause I was awake, and it was like movie playing in my head. What my psychiatrist told me to do about them was to change the ending where i'd fight and run away and be safe, I don't know still if i've done that. But they have ended, they do pop up from time to time though. I always use to put myself into potentially dangerous situations where things could have happened, or almost have. My psychiatrist told me alot of people do that with PTSD because they are trying to gain control back that they never have. I was doing that with my ex over the computer, and I wrote about that in the thread the butterfly and the spider theory. That was awhile ago, i'm pretty sure I posted that. That was also a turning point for me.

I don't know, just felt like writting this, does it make sense?</font color=blue>

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

I guess no one can relate to this...

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

Dear Sundance,
I'm sorry you didn't get any replies. I didn't reply because it's hard for me to think about my childhood still. I've recently broken through to a new level that is really difficult and I'm having a hard time keeping the horrors of my past at bay.
That being said, yes, I think what you wrote made a lot of sense. I've heard many women talk about having a string of abusive experiences after the initial act. The panick attacks at school sound realy hard. It must have been aweful. I got panick attacks that kept me from leaving the house to get on the school bus. I "dealt" with it by drinking alcohol and smoking pot before I went to school. It was the only way I could get out the door. Before I read what you wrote I never thought of them as panick attacks. I just knew I was too terrified to leave the house unless I "medicated" in some way.
I thinks it's great that you had this insight about your childhood. That's some really great work! Again, I'm sorry you didn't get any replies. I know it really bums me out when not many people reply to mine either. Try to remember it's not about you. I suspect there are a lot of us who have a hard time dealing with the realities of what our experiences have done to our lives. We are all at different places in our recovery too. I think seeing the pattern in your life is big. I don't think that comes early in recovery. You've obviously done a lot of hard work to get to this point. I wanted to write to let you know I heard you and I care. Annie

Sundance;
I too apologize for not replying when I first saw this...I needed to process this for awhile...I don't want to make something up and say the wrong things...I too recently traced the patterns/symptoms of my depression and PTSD back to kindergarten; but I don't pretend to understand or relate with most of the things that you have been through. What I can relate with is the feeling of "WOW< this is BIG" I love to have those "AHA" moments...they're actually quite therapeutic
I am so jealous of the progress you have made...
hoping for hope
Jon

Hi Annie,

It took me 8 years to get here, and it was rough, still effects me, but it is minimal. Try not to let this stuff bother me, even though I know it will come up again eventually, but I jsut got to deal with it a day at a time.

I know that there is some stuff that I cannot quite remember with things with my ex, and i've written stuff down, and when I come across it again, it is surprising cause I didn't even remember that happening. Then I try and recall it and it just doesn't work. I know that trying to force it isn't going to solve anything, instead it's going to force the memory backwards in your mind, and it will take longer to grab a hold of it again.

So I'm letting them come when they want too, when i'm ready to deal with it, it'll show itself, kinda like a flashback, we get them because it's part of healing, even though it doesn't seem that way.

*hugs*

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

Hi Jon

Don't be jelous, remember it took me 8 years to get to where I am now, that is a looooong time. Still dealing with stuff like depression, and GAD, and PTSD for that matter. But with PTSD I came over a major wall with it, I plowed it over, I'm not longer plauged with the symptoms, but they will always likely still pop up, but i'm ok with that now, they don't scare me as much.

Depression is in remission, but I know it'll always be with me. Thank god for warmer days and longer days, because my SAD has lifted for the time being. Mind you when it is dark, cold and rainy it will affect me.

Anxiety related to jobs is my only real big set back right now, and going to get my drivers license. The license is because I am afraid of failing, and it feels like school, a classroom ... so anything that feels like that scares me.

For the job, I think I have alot of anxiety for that because I have such low confidence. I think that once I get that back up it will be easier for me.

Step by step, that's all anyone can do.

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>