Trauma piled upon trauma

This afternoon I saw my pdoc with every intention of asking him to change my meds yet again, but as I was driving there, I realized that changing my meds again wasn't going to help because the meds are not the problem.

My problem is really that about a year and a half ago, my husband and I got really, really drunk (we have both since stopped drinking - permanently) and one thing led to another and I pushed him across the room and knocked him down - at which time he came at me with his fists. This is really hard for me to even think about, much less tell the world on a forum, but I have to get this out. I'm going to try to not make a book out of it here.

When I was a kid, I was the family punching bag. That's not me feeling sorry for myself, that was my role in the dysfunction I grew up in. Before I was 40, if you had told me I was abused as a child, I would have said you were stupid. Denial is not just a big river in Egypt.

So when you add this new trauma on top of the old trauma...well, you get one big mess. Now I see my husband the same way I see my mother, my childhood abuser, and there is no turning it off. My T suggested that since I was so good at compartmentalizing (I am), I should compartmentalize that incident and see my husband as the safe, loving person he really is. Let me say here that up until that night, he was the only person on the planet that I truly felt safe with. Now there is no one. He is devastated and appalled at what he did. There are times I can tell he's trying to make it up to me, and I appreciate it, but with my past, there is no making up for it.

So now my pdoc has given me some homework, to document all of this (I'll document this post) and he wants me to do CBT with my therapist, which is a good idea, but first I have to tell Hubby he can't come to my therapy sessions anymore. He started going with for marriage counseling, but there's nothing else he and I can talk about that is going to make any difference.

My husband is going to be so hurt when I tell him all of this. He thinks I'm over it. I never told him that...I just never told him otherwise.

I'm not looking for marriage advice, or how to deal with being a battered spouse - been there, done that. I'm only posting it for cathartic reasons.

Hi...

I want to simply say you are in my thoughts and prayers. This isn't easy I know to share and is harder to live with. I offer you a gentle hug and a soft embrace. Please be safe and if you want to or need to talk I am here for you...

Amanda

It sounds like it's time for you to talk about your past because it is affecting you now.

Hi Werewoman. I hope the posting you've done has helped you. I had the same childhood abuser and that shadow has affected every aspect of my present. I'm in therapy trying to work through it all. I send you love and hugs on your journey.

We do. We've been in marriage counseling with my T since it happened, and while it has improved the communication overall in our relationship, it does nothing for my PTSD.

As I anticipated, my husband is extremely unhappy with this recent turn of events. I know it drives him bonkers that I hold stuff in, but that's the nature of the beast when it comes to PTSD. I don't expect him to understand that.

This too shall pass. *sigh*

Well, I still have the autonomic response of fear when he gets angry - even when rationally I know he won't hurt me, but at least he understands better now. We've only been talking about it for days...*sigh*

Anyway, my pdoc wants me to do CBT on this instead of EMDR, which is fine. My therapist is good at it. We've done it before, it's just I usually prefer EMDR. The T I have now doesn't do EMDR anyway, so it's all good.

Thanks everyone!

WW

So I start CBT with my T next Thursday. We'll see if it helps.

Today is one of those days when I think this isn't going to work. That MI and marriage don't mix. I feel like people are always mad at me because I'm sick. That doesn't make any sense to me. I didn't ask for any of this, but somehow I feel it's all my fault even when it isn't AND even when other people aren't blaming me. How messed up is that?

Hi, I am sorry you are having issues. I have found CBT to be interesting in theory but difficult to put into practice. Actually learned more taking a class on CBT and reading a book on it. For me, the events of the day make it hard for me to apply it. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. O offer you a gentle hug and a soft embrace. Please be safe!

If you need to talk feel free to contact me.

Amanda

I am so sorry for all you are going through. My heart breaks for you. My story is very similar but also different. I relate oh so much to feeling everyone blames you for being sick...knowing it's illogical but blaming yourself for it too. It's so hard and I'm so sorry. When my husband raises his voice my body goes wacky and in so much pain he might as well have hit me like my ex did, do I relate to that also. I cannot stand yelling so I'm overly passive which doesn't work out either. Uggg. (((Hugs)))

Yeah, I have three modes of operation when he gets mad - even when I KNOW he's not mad at me - flight (my preference), fight, or freeze. I usually end up with 'freeze' because flight usually isn't an option, and I simply will not become one of "Them" and start hitting people.

We spent a very long time on Saturday talking about all of this, and we really made a lot of progress. I told him the next time I 'shut down' to ask me why I've shut down to see if it will bring me out of it. I can't initiate anything, so I'll just suffer in silence (I suspect you do, too) for days if not weeks or months, but if he asks, it might be enough to get me out of my own head. I won't know for sure until it happens again, but he has promised, very sincerely, that he will never betray my trust ever again. I don't think it's possible for a human being to be that perfect, but just the fact that he's working hard to make the effort is enough to make me feel better.

But I'm still scared.

I freeze when yelled at as well. My husband is rarely angry but I cringe when he is. It's a holdback from my dad's physical and emotional abuse. He realizes it and deals with it. I'm glad your husband is making progress, but there may be relapses and you have to be prepared for that.

So I went to see my T on Thursday and he wants me to try a sensory deprivation chamber. He says it's been shown to help PTSD in soldiers, so he wants me to give it a shot.