what would life be like without PTSD

I'm kinda at that point these days - close to throwing in the therapy towel. This week my dr and T are meeting to figure out what is to be done with me/for me. And really, it doesn't feel like anything can be done. What may help in therapy doesn't help on my own or can't be accessed. What happens during the week can't be accessed in therapy because another part has that info.... even what happens in therapy frustrates my T because ... like she said to me... "what you protray on the outside isn't nessessarly what is happening on the inside and I never know about it until later when you've had time to process it and write about it. " All the energy.... feels like maybe *this* is the dream and I should quit while I'm ahead, accept the fact that I'll never get out from this hole, and just go back to living the way i used to.
I don't know which is the right way to go. I can't just follow my heart or gut feelings - they don't work for this stuff. They only tell me when I'm in danger. Otherwise, they're broken. I can't see the future (as in goals or plans) and I can't remember the fragmented past that is held by all the parts. So I am in limbo - - like what was that steven king movie, the langolers? in a limbo where the edges are being eaten away by something i don't understand and I can't manage to get through the mebrane between me and the real future that actually holds promise.

What would it be like????????? I don't think I will know in my lifetime!! There's entirely too much that went on since my childhood. I'm not saying I'm the lone ranger here, but I
thought things would get better after I grew up. Ok, older!!
Everything that happens to me I relate to some horrid event from my past. Why can't I move on? Who knows that? If you have the answer I'm willing to listen. And pls. don't tell me to give it to God. He gave it to me!!! Now what,
I'm going to give it back to him?
Alas, when you are a child from dysfunctional families, your view of the world comes from your parents. What you think, feel, tastes, hear....etc. comes from the people who brought you into THEIR world. If it's full of anger and disarray, well then that's what you grow up thinking works.
It's hard to get those pictures out of your head. It's like an on-going Kodak moment that never ends. And you find that it doesn't work in the real world as we come to know it.
I'm rambling on here. I apologize. Last night I got TRIGGERED by one of my favorite shows.........CRIMINAL MINDS, and I had to turn it off as it jumped too much from scene to scene. I came into my puter on youtube.com and watched videos. I had to cry as it just unnerved me. I can't say why either. I do not know. Is this making any sense to anyone?
Sorry. Maybe I'm tired. I've had that flu that everybody's getting and have been sick for a week now.

I'm sick too... and I wish I had "the answer"

(((((((((((((((((drummergrl)))))))))))))))))))))))
you're making sense.

Why not begin planning that "one" day? Where would you go? What would you do? Who would you be with, if anyone? What would you eat? How would you travel there, if necessary? It might be closer than you think... a day when even if suffering with PTSD, at least NOT suffering that day?

I am sad... because that day will never come for me..

I pray that it will for all others.. I wish it will for others....

but for me.. that day.. will never be..

=( there's soooooo many triggers. maybe one day in the future it will actually happen. maybe there will be a time when i have control over the triggers, as well as control over the "integrated" system (that's assuming a lot).... then i suppose i could actually do normal stuff without getting the whole ptsd reaction that splits me off into seperate parts or put me in a dissociative fog.
but really, i can't even imagine what it would be like. I mean, i can name all the things that wouldn't happen... but can i really feel it ?? nnnnnnnnnnnnnope. it's a nice dream tho.

Please don't ever say "can't" in this respect. No, not right now, and surely it is impossible to imagine it, and sometimes it's insulting to think that it might be an option in the future...I know how the mind works in this area...

but... begin to take tidbits of your daily life... you can find one good thing...you can. No matter how fleeting, how insignificant it might seem (and the cognitive distortion will minimalize it and make it of no avail if you let it) but... relish it. Wink at it. There's more to come.

(((((((((hugs)))))))))))

=( you're gonna make me cry.
i had a thing last night - was in choir, final dress rehearsal for our concert tonight. i was having fun and ppl were noticing because i am usually pretty subdued.
THey know i get claustrophobic in there so i stand on the end of the row. they check in on me every now and again. well in one song, there is a drum crack that scared me out of my skin. When the director was talking to the drummer about it, i said "Any one in the audience with ptsd is gonna hit the deck!" my friend in there patted me on the back and said "kiya needs a zanex". We always goof around in there. When we left, she didn't even say good bye and walked out with a guy friend (i don't know her very well, but the guy is new - we've not seen him before). I felt suddenly sad - i realized that in my little world, she is everything - she's like #1 because choir is twice a week and i have no life. she's fun and caring and we sing well together. but in her world - i'm not even probably #2 or 3.... i only exist in choir. I go to choir and enjoy choir because of her because she brightens my week. it was just sad and i totally went into this depressive mode and the parts wanted to self injure to cure me of these silly happy times that aren't real in the end.

Remember, that who you are during that choir time is who you really are, the rest of the time that you are depressed and such, those are the times you are "not you" and struggling. Often we believe it's the other way around, as though, like in this instance, the choir time is a faking to pretend to be normal. Not so. (((hugs)))

oh yeah - i just remembered the other half of what upset me about that.... my friend in choir - like a lot of the people who are around me - tend to get younger around me. i have a stuffy owl on my key chain that she commented on and we were both cute about it. I was playfully dancing around and she said we'd coordinate our dance moves.... and i realized that people think it's cute and they play along for a moment... she called me "little one" because i'm both younger than she and because i was on a shorter riser... and then they go away back to their adult lives and i stay where i am... without any real friends. they are friends with me in the moments of the confines that I am with them... but not outside of that.

And I can't follow them. you don't want me to use that word... i ... don't know how to cross that invisible line so that I am an adult (since i am really 30) in their context and can have friends outside of choir or work. that's where all the depressiveness came in.

Who i am in choir isn't necessairly who i am. I have not been "that" perosn in there until last night - young and playful. I'm usually sarcastic and jaded. But then again, i'm a multiple, so things can and do change... often. It just gets me down that i'm not consistantly the same person but i am consistant in the fact that i have only 3 friends out side of my professional life. one really really close friend, two that (i feel like) tolerate me. One "friend" at work looked at me the other day and said "You've got issues". Great. Thanks. "Well, you do". I hate myself so often - i hate not knowing who i am - but that others seem to. I hate having triggers that people notice. my "mom" voice inside is chirping "don't use the word hate". *sigh*.

But (((hugs))) that is a part of you that isn't encumbered by life in general it sounds like... we all have our inner child that does that for us (yes FOR us.) You are all that and more.