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#1
Nov 09, 2008, 05:30 AM
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Is PTSD like this? One minute its like your soilder looking for cover and though you can see the world with your eyes, your heart doesn't see it...
Its like when your in "it" there is no end, no beginning and no middle, its all rolled into one where survival is all that exists...relationships no longer exist, the days structure no longer exists... then suddenly out of no where for a very, very short moment you can see clearly, you breathe, you think at last freedom from bondage, everything makes sense and what didnt make sense no longer exists, but within moments its all back again.. Where even to be close to someone is to much because all you see in them is your fears, your worries, your past...you want the world to go away.. People can tell you your in flashback but how does that help??? It doesn't infact it makes you feel worse because they are quite evidently on the outside and you on the inside...how can it get better!!!!?????
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Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you're alive, it isn't. ~Richard Bach |
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#2
Nov 09, 2008, 06:18 AM
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Yes. Yes. Yes.
Very much so. It can get better as your life opens out more into the present, and is so different to the agonies of the past. When you grieve the past, and recognise how frightening and damaging it was. But that now is different. |
 Mouse_
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#3
Nov 09, 2008, 08:17 AM
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(((((((((((( mouse )))))))))))))))))
I agree with sorrel, I also have moments of clarity. 
__________________
 Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You, too? Thought I was the only one." C.S. Lewis visit my blog at http://gimmeice.psychcentral.net |
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#4
Nov 09, 2008, 08:39 AM
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The moments of clarity can get longer, and the times of confusion shorter, if you practice mindfulness -- that is, just listening to what your mind is telling you, thoughts and feelings, listening without judging yourself, listening for what your mind is saying.
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Now if thou would'st When all have given him o'er From death to life Thou might'st him yet recover -- Michael Drayton 1562 - 1631 |
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#5
Nov 09, 2008, 01:33 PM
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(((mouse)))
you are in my thoughts... there were times when I thought those flashbacks and my moments of clarity were evil twins and I wanted one or the other that four-letter word, Time, did help but it was inch by inch at times...gee, when I finally made doing baby steps, I felt like a big girl  and celebrated.Cap
__________________
The most dangerous enemy is the one in your head telling you what you do and don't deserve. ~~unknown~~ http://capp.psychcentral.net |
| Mouse_
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#6
Nov 09, 2008, 08:31 PM
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Hi mouse, I can really relate to what you said - somtimes i feel like i am inside my body looking out at the world - i can see a world out there and i want to be part of it but i am so involved in what is happening to me at the time (PTSD) and surviving it that that's all i can cope with - every now and again i have an awake moment - when it seems i see and feel and look at things as if they were brand new - i wish it were like that all the time - at my worst times i crawl back into my shell and isolate myself from the world because it's all i can do just to breathe - i know that sounds crazy - and i think i have shrunk my circle of friends to a few that can put up with me when i go over the edge - each day i hope i and all of us move a little closer to getting better - tiny steps sometimes - sometimes two steps back one forward - as long as we keep moving there is hope. Everyone here makes some good points - i wish everone well - take care P7
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| Mouse_
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#7
Nov 10, 2008, 09:47 AM
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Quote:
__________________
Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you're alive, it isn't. ~Richard Bach |
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#8
Nov 10, 2008, 10:31 AM
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Quote:
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#9
Nov 10, 2008, 10:43 AM
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sounds like NPD??? eh???
__________________
Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you're alive, it isn't. ~Richard Bach |
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#10
Nov 10, 2008, 11:22 AM
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When I hear you describe things Mouse it fits so perfectly with my mom.....
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#11
Nov 10, 2008, 12:15 PM
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I have complex PTSD, due to being raped, being caught up in a explosion at home, due to witnessing a man have his foot blown off in 1993 IRA bomb attack, and also my home being mistakenly attacked for a yr until the attackers realised they had the right door colour, but wrong door number...so yeah its PTSD!
__________________
Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you're alive, it isn't. ~Richard Bach |
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#12
Nov 10, 2008, 12:28 PM
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I'm sorry Mouse.........
__________________
Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........ I'm an ISFJ |
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#13
Nov 10, 2008, 02:05 PM
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oh, mouse, I am so sorry...
you are brave although you may not feel that way rape has it's own terror to work through...I've done it twice. in my mind, I had to combine the two into one terrible event because I just couldn't handle it otherwise. T said that was all right...I would have done it anyway, but at least he understood my feelings. the other events are related to childhood trauma and my time in Nam. sometimes it never stops; when it does for even a second is when I celebrate and cherish those itty-bitty times. Cap
__________________
The most dangerous enemy is the one in your head telling you what you do and don't deserve. ~~unknown~~ http://capp.psychcentral.net |
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#14
Nov 11, 2008, 06:46 AM
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Quote:
Yes I wish I could combine the whole lot!!! Oh and forgot to mention the house fire next door to me and the body left in my garden all day *hand on head and rolls eyes* is this life a joke????
__________________
Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you're alive, it isn't. ~Richard Bach |
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#15
Nov 11, 2008, 10:46 AM
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No, it's not a joke.
It's incredibly painful. And terrifyingly real. Although my traumas are different, I have Complex PTSD too, and understand it's... all pervasive complexity. |
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#16
Nov 11, 2008, 01:41 PM
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it's just my opinion, obviously...
For me, at least, there are times when I think the actual events were easier to handle than the aftermaths...I am not implying they were not horrid and sickening events that drained us. I am saying, again just for me, that living with the memories and the (sometimes) day-to-day struggle to stay on an even keel drain me in a different way. Please try and read my heart, but I have difficulty putting these things into words. During those terrible times, my one goal was to survive. Period. In order to do it, I numbed myself to a depth that I still am finding my way out... Whenever another event occurred, it's like I just tucked it into my bag of pain and forgot about it. Limbo was a grand seduction for me. I didn't have to face the past, and I sure as hell wasn't acknowledging the present! It was far less frightening to just feel nothing. I can pinpoint to a degree when I knew I had to do something or I was going to shrivel into a nothingness. It's not something I think I should share here--possible trigger--but I do remember feeling stunned when I realized that I did not want to die, but I could not live the way my life was right then. Something inside me had rebelled and kicked me out of that limbo...Oh Joy. There was no way of preparing for the intensity of the feelings that slammed me. God, but I was wild and nearly out of my mind with anger/rage/feelings of wanting revenge, and many other ones. I said FO to anyone who told me the time-worn platitudes...yes, there are nuggets of wisdom within them, but it was a long time before I could see it. I grew so weary of "it will get better--give it time--look for beauty" and absolutely no one understood that I needed for someone to share what they had been through, their survival techniques for the present, and how to protect myself when assailed with dangerous and unrelenting depression. Therapy helped and I will always, but always, be grateful for it...and my therapist who had no problems working outside the box. When I would be in a particularly horrible time and could not talk about it...we wrote notes to each other. In the session. It was safer to me than saying those words out loud. And he could still see my physical presentation... Yeah, he was a gift. He gave me many tools to help me... One of the best was accepting that my life would get better, but there would be residual affects, and I needed to get a safety net in place asap. I've used it several times, and it did ease things. Again, just for me. I do have to seek gratitude or die. I do not necessarily seek gratitude on a big scale. I do much better when I see the small things and smile...nature is one of my healing tools. It's gotten easier for me to accept the love of others; romantic and friendship. It may take awhile to earn my trust, and that is my right. My right because I went through such things? No. My right because I'm a human being? Yes. There came a point when I knew that not everything revolved around my abuse. That many, many things were just part of being alive... I had not known how to differentiate between what was connected to the abuse, and what was part of living. I had no frame of reference and had to learn it. All in all, some days are nicer than others! Kinda like the weather... Peace to you my friends, Cap
__________________
The most dangerous enemy is the one in your head telling you what you do and don't deserve. ~~unknown~~ http://capp.psychcentral.net |
| Wynne
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#17
Nov 11, 2008, 07:56 PM
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HI Wynne,
I hope that therapy and time and bieng kind to yourself helps take the edge of those terrible things that have happened to you - I can relate to the body thing - i was on a car ramp at a shopping centre next to someone who had jumped and died (im trying not to give details so i dont trigger anyone so forgive me if im vague) i was only there for a short while but it seemed an eternity and it somehow linked into the despair i was feeling at the time. Therapy helped there but it took a while to get to the core issue - i really hope you find something soon that helps you and that you can find a way to move forward and feel better - you are in my thoughts take care P7 |
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