Hate me

I feel so sick right now..............
I dont' just......gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I am bawling, and I think I am going to throw up.
I know, I feel like such a hypocrite, I just wrote something about how I was going to be better, and I have been working so hard to move forward.
Here I am now, taking two steps backwards, I have hardly slept toinght..morning...what does it matter, time just mushes togheter anymore.
I feel so nasty, dirty, cheap. I am freaking out........
I don't want to go to thanksgiving...
I don't want to hear his voice over the phone, I don't want reminders that my nana and mimi are gone everywhere.
I don't wnat too, and there is nothing I can do to avoid it......
I just have to make it through noon, noon, just myabe an hour or two, and then it is all over and I can move on with my life..

I am an object, that is how I feel today, a dirty cheap, unloved object.
I feel so unloved, so uncared about here latley, I feel like I am nothing......
I am nothing..
I regret writing any of this, but I am crying so hard, and I feel so hollow and alone right now, all I want is for someone to hold me and keep me safe, all I want is to feel loved.....................

I am sorry I wrote any of this..but it was either write this or hurt myself..

I AM PATHETIC.

((((((((((((( silversparrow )))))))))))))))))

You are not pathetic.
We care very much for you here, please know that we love you. I read your other post and I don't think it makes you a hypocrite, the road of healing has many steps some of them are backwards, it is all a part of healing.
I am really not looking forward to thanksgiving, however making a list of things I am thankful for did help me in that department, remember we can be thankful for things even though other things suck. My T insisted on reminding me that I did have a choice in whether or not I celebrated thanksgiving for it seems like I don't, I am trying to remember that I only have to make it through on day of this.

You are not nothing. You are everything that matters in this world. What was done to you is not a result of you. You are special, kind, deserving of all that is good in this world and beyond. I don't know you but I know what it's like to feel like nothing, like an object, like something that is broken and can not be fixed. You can be fixed and everyone is broken is some way shape or form. You are not alone my friend. Have a blessed Thanksgiving, I am thankful for you.

~Sailaway

I am crying harder now, the sun is officaly up, and I can hear the cars pass by my house, just another day, just another day.
I feel so lost anymore, I hurt so much, the pain and neglected feeling is always there, underlying, no matter how happy I am or how content I am it's there. I just..so many emotions, anger, hurt, sadness, a certain amount of peace.

There goes another car, it's just another day, just another day, Thanksgiving is just another day...I just have to breathe and do my best, right? Day's can't hurt people...today is Wensday, tomorrow Thanksgiving...and all I have to do is breathe right? I am here, laying in my bed, with my doggies, and lol one of them is snoring...
a day can't hurt me.

I am sorry I am all over the place anymore..........................
I am sorry, I am sorry

I just..I guess I should lay down for a bit...I don't know..
I dont' think I can cry anymore. none of this is making any sense....

(((((((((((((Silversparrow))))))))))))))))

Sitting with you if you want

(((((((((silver))))))))))) Don't you think it's because of your choice to make the positive steps you mentioned in your other post that you were able to share here instead of hurt yourself? That's a big step you are overlooking. I am so very sorry you are hurting like this and if I could sit and hold you and tell you how important you are, I would (so just close your eyes and imagine it and feel a safe gentle arm around your shoulder). I know you feel bad and dirty and angry--just please remember you aren't bad, what happened does not make you dirty--it makes you hurt. You bring such joy and hope here, I hope that by sitting with you, we are able to give some of that back to you to help you make it through the day. Remember that, even though it may not be easy to do and may have its own repercussions, you do have the choice to not attend thanksgiving gatherings. Have your own, with your dogs . Do try to make a list, no matter how short, of things you are thankful for and make sure to put you are thankful for your tender and caring heart on that list. It has enabled you to survive.

Silver it seems that this holiday is a trigger for many reasons. I am sorry...

silversparrow,you are a great person and our talk yesterday really helped me a lot.Thanks.Hug you.

I need to go get my medicene refilled, it is part of the reason my moods are allover the place, it's just hard to go and do it. I don't feel like I deserve it, just, I want to be hated, it makes things easier, I hate myself, I can't comprhend why others care, yet at the same time all I want is for others to care, I get so tired that irl I am the caregiver all the time and noone ever takes care of me, I take care of my mom, my dad, I play parent to my sister.
God, this is going nowhere, this therad, I am just babbling everywhere, I am being selfish, other people need ya'lls support more, I am just...damnit I am crying again...

Ya'll are to kind, to gentle people, it touches me deeply to see how there are still such wonderful people in this world, I just..I am lost again, I find the path only to fall off of it, I find my wings and fall, I just..I am a sad sad little bird...

Will help make you not feel so sad?

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Cantstopcrying)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You are too kind, I wish I could give you a giant hug, I am crying now, but these are good tears. lol it seems all I do is cry anymore

I'm glad you enjoyed them!!

okay, so after spending most of my day, crying and hiding from the world, besides going and running errands for my mom and helping her bake some. I have come up with a plan to get through the rough patch at Thanksgiving.

The first dinner is the hardest one, it is the one where all my triggers are at, if I can get through that the rest of the day is smooth sailing. I am going to concentrate on the rest of the day and how much fun that is going to be.
I will take my favorite feather with me and keep it in my pocket, to make me feel safe.
I will get up early that morning and just spend time being nice to myself, having some coffee, doing yoga, taking a walk, maybe working on my latest photography project, a series I am doing on trees called Etz Chaim.

I will take a shower, get dressed up, just so I will feel good. I will help my parents with the turkey and maybe play a board game with my sister.

When it comes time to go to the noon dinner, I will keep calm, keep reminding myself that I am in the present, the past can't hurt me, I don't have to talk on the phone to my abuser if I don't want to, I am an adult, I am no longer a child, he can't hurt me anymore. I will work through any panic with the breathing techniques I have learned in yoga...

All I have to do is make it through noon, and then I will be okay, we will go to my favorite aunt's house at 5pm, and after that I am going with my two closests friends to my old art teacher's house for thanksgiving with her and her family, dessert and rockband lol.

I just have to rember to breathe, and that I am safe, and to keep all of ya'lls postive and kind words with me.

(((((((((((((((((((((Everyone)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Oh I wish I had even some of your strength! You can do it, I just know you can!!

my babybird,

if i knew how to do all that fancy e-picture pasting stuff, i would search every corner of the e-universe for the cutest pictures of e-bats for you, and put them all over this rectangle hoping that they would... would... uh... man... but all i have is my friendship, my love, my words, my support, my true loyalty to you, and my silly e-bat hugs. i care about you so much. in this e-world and in this other world i am in right now... me. sitting on my bed. cub snoring. hearing rain hit the fence outside my window, and the occasional car drive by. thinking about the time here in california and the time where you are... in this world too. i care about you here too. i think about you here too. i miss you here too.

oh, and can you pretend that those bats to the left by my name are actually in this big rectangle? yeah? okay... well, those bats are actually the 2008 OFFICIAL SILVERSPARROW PROTECTOR BAT BRIGADE. you are strong, but when you need extra backup, they have you covered sweetheart. so, theres some fancy e-love for you.

xoxo
presh

Silversparrow,

I dont know you but from the little I have read you are a caring and compassionate person - try and turn that care and compassion to yourself - you are not dirty - the people who did what they did to all of us are dirty - you are not worthless because you are you and there is only one you and you are special - you can do this - you have a plan that you worked out yourself! I.m sending all the positive energy I can muster your way - you can get through this - you are stong

luce hugs for sparrowfriends

Excellent plan Silver!

Silver, this quote is filled with very important info that would be helpful if you examine it further.......

YIPEE!!!!
I made it through the rough patch of the day, no phone call either
I even came home early, I am home by myself right now, my mom, dad, and little sister are still over there. So I am enjoying some peace and quiet, I did get slightly triggered, and I am a little shaky, but overall I am good and absoultly tickled that there was no phone call, I didn't have to talk to the bastard, and I didn't even have to stress over making an excuse to not talk to him...

I am just, lol, I am laughing right now I am so excited that there was no phone call,
I feel like I am walking on cloud nine...

Sannah I can see why it is important..but..I can't quiet grasp the meaning behind it. It's there but..not. So close yet so far....
(((((((((Sannah)))))))))))))

I am so happy for you!! That is great! Enjoy your peace and quiet while you can!

Maybe start with the set up where you are the caregiver for everyone and you get nothing back?

YAY SPARROW!!! so happy you got through that without getting all triggery n.n

Glad you made it silversparrow - well done P7