update on me

In sorry that I couldnt thank you all for the support you gave me. My computer was broken and I could only use my cell phone that was so aggravating.
Im not doing the best. I am working through rage and flashbacks and things. My cat got ran over and my my baby kitten is very ill. I hav so much anger inside me that it eats me up. My brother that I have not seen years came by and he is very sad. he brought his son who looks just like him at that age.. My mom who is very ill mentally and was vry abusive to me is dying of cryosis of the liver and stuff and I just feel like I am treading water. I have so much rage and its hard to deal with with. Sigh

I also wanted to say that I am tired. I am angry that I am so broken. I am mad that this happened to me. I am going to take yoga in jan as a way to get back in my body. My T gave me gloves because when things get to strong I dig my nails in my hand. My other T has me draw on these huge peices of paper and that helps alot to get anger out. I am on anti anxiety pills. The dr that hung up on me called me and said she was sorry and she wanted me to come back. I want to hurt myself more then I dont and I dont know why. I cover myself up with the blanket my T gave me and hang on to the bear she gave me and the gloves and when i go to Therapy i try and talk to the anger out. there is so much more to my anger then people know. My mom starved us locked us in our room with no food. she put a lock on the fridge so we couldnt eat. i was so skinny you could see every bone in my body. The lengths I had to go to for food was sad. So much more but I wont talk about it now. Now she is dying and ugggghhh I just cant figure it out. By the way when cps finally took me away aftr my mom shot at the cops I weighed probably 30 somthing pounds at 9 and she weighed over 300.

MINIME, no-one should have to put up with what you put up with - it sucks bigtime

I am sorry that you are having such a difficult time at the moment but am glad that your 2 t's are there for you - they seem to care a lot. It must be hard with your mum - my dad died of cancer and I had to take his calls (guess I didnt but i felt i had to) and visit him even though he had done terrible things - it takes a toll - but talk it out with your T's they can help you - you sound like you have some strategies in place to help.

and always remember that you are a kind caring and compassionate person who deserves to have a good life - When you get the urge to hurt yourself ask yourself what would you say to a friend in your place? I have done that on a couple of occassions and it has stopped me from doing self harm - most of all know that we are here for you - we support eachother so we can fly

Mini, I am so sorry that you are struggling so..... You are going to make it though Mini, you are. This is really rough now but you will make it through.................

Thanks p7 thanks sannah. I am so lucky to have my great T's. I am lucky. They help me so much I can feel healing and its slow but moving along. This pain is the healing because this time the pain finds its comfort and its words and I am not alone. I wanted a mom so bad and I was unable to see either of my T's and my one T said I can only since your not here tell you to wrap yourself in the purple blanket and hold your bear thats what i can do for you and I want you to feel loved and safe. That has helped me so much. I am going to go on ebay and post for a mom. LOL reallly. I need one. I need one to love me because I just do. I love moms. I dont know what I will do with one when I have one but maybe she can talk about bingo and stuff and I can mow her lawn and send her flowers. I need that gentle love from a mom really bad. So maybe I can find a mom on ebay who lives by me on the border of washington and oregon by portland and she will love me. LOL I know I am pathetic but hey there has to be a mom out there for me.

Mini I like that idea!

I couldnt get on ebay so I posted on craigs list. LOl we will see. I am so pathetic,

((MINIME))

You are so much stronger than you realize
Cap

not pathetic - inventive! imaginitive and courageous! take care P7

Minime,

I'm so sorry that you have had to deal with so much. It's not fair and nobody deserves to have to deal with all of that. But on the brighter side, you survived, there must be a reason. i also survived horrific abuse and have to let you know the anger does eventually subside. though i can't imagine the feelings you must have as your mom is dying. I'm glad you have good therapists who have given you good strategies to work through the anger. I'm also glad to hear that you're so willing to do the work,that is a huge step in and of itself.

You have all my love and hugs at this difficult time.
Tara

(((((((((MINIME))))))))

How are you doing? P7

I am doing ok. Thanks. We are in the begininng of a huge snow storm and maybe ice storm which being a single mom scares me. I have been through this before and did ok. I am from montana. I just get scared.

We dont have snow where i live in Oz but i remember snow from when i lived in the Uk - it is both beautiful and scary - a bit like life

MINI,
Sounds like you live where I do-I say where I'm from on my name box. I hate this snow! I lived in Arizona for 12years&got spoiled-never having plans canceled because it snowed,etc. My parents are getting older&sicker, but I'm not going to be there for them-that's my way of dealing with what they did to me. Our society puts a lot of guilt on us when we don't have positive things to say about our folks or don't have the mental strength to take care of them when they're old&sick. I don't have that mental strength. Maybe someday...but I'm 40&this has been the year of remembering like a flood or an exploding volcano a lot of crap that I'd really not like to have ever remembered. I have a t&plan to get a 2nd one in 2009. The one I have now isn't helping enough-maybe if I have a team like you do I could get through this better. I like the blanket&teddy bear idea. I've always carried around&slept with stuffed animals&they are a comfort. I don't care how old I am, if they make me feel better or better able to cope, I have them nearby.
Hang in there, you know we're always here&you've got your t's&your blanket&teddy. It's OK to feel what you feel-it's better to feel it than to stuff it, no matter how much it hurts at first-it will lessen with time. That dang 4 letter word...time. Bleh!