Trust Issues

We all have them, it's probably been discussed before but issues like trust are not static, are they?

Muffy's thread on silence prompted me to do some soul searching.
Sometimes that's good, sometimes not so good. Not so good when I'll go round and round about something.
Aka analysis paralysis.

This is a public forum and we can remain anonymous. Yet there are times when I build very high walls...
There doesn't have to be any particular thing that happens, but I'll go into my quiet mode and become watchful.

My belief is that I will have times like this. No path of healing is free of detours or speed bumps that can knock me down.
It's the getting up and back on the path that is the most important thing.

It can also be an incredibly hard thing to do...

Cap

(((((((((( Capp ))))))))))

Trust can be so difficult especially when we have been hurt many times before.

I understand how it is and I'm by your side.

when we know what our goal is Cap we can better decide what is likely to be helpful and what is not.. for instance, if i suffered a form of discontent, the experience itself is a dark shadowy area, similar to trying to diagnose a needed auto repair, we know little of what caused the malfunction, yet we are required to attempt maintenance... so, we start out with our limited knowledge on the area in question and begin an investigation.. at that point we find possible solutions and we can gather several to choose from.. each may have its own advantage or disadvantage and we have the ultimate control (in most cases) how the auto is serviced...

trying different things will lead us into different areas of repair and that is good or not depending upon your inner need to drive the car... some people learn to walk or bycycle as an alternative to any repair at all....

feeling our way thru we find our own personal path of healing, its just that several of us share a similar vision of certain details and can sometimes band together as a group... it takes time and proof of ones intent is shown in the result, tho the process may have been more efficient looking back in hindsight... thus, learning...

its whats great about PC!

Here's a hand held out to help you up if you need it - always on offer - no strings attached - take care

(((cap)))))) I answered you on my thread too.
Let me tell you a secret ...well everyone LOL
when i first came to Pc I was so afraid to post. I think i said I was sorry after every post. At times i still do that.
Trust is a very hard thing . When lost as a child it takes years sometimes to get it back.
you said (((but I'll go into my quiet mode and become watchful)))) i have done that myself many times.
Its a form of self protection i think. At least for me it was. I still will go silent. Once in awhile.
I use to a very long time ago . Here at pc when games was in socail . Post to myself. In a song thread. I think ppl here knew I had to get it out.
I hope this helped in some way
muffy

((pegs))
Thank you. I do feel your presence...

This is going to be awkward and perhaps may be deleted, but I'm going to share it anyway.

A few days ago I was reading a reply and checked the profile of the poster.
The only information shown was they were here for themselves and the words for school/research. I'm not naive enough to think there are not others who are likely doing the same thing...
PC is a huge community with a diverse "population." I understand this, and I accept that there are people who read only/people who are in fact doing research/some variable of those two things.

Perhaps I was tired or well, whatever, but it disturbed me.
I've no qualms about participating in controlled studies; I've done it before. Therein lies my problem, I think.
By joining and posting, I was giving consent for anyone/everyone to use anything I've shared...not that I'm any more special or different than anyone here. Simply because I posted gave someone the right to glean information...
I hope I'm making sense.
There is no expectation of privacy on the Internet, and I know it.

Why I was triggered by it is not a question with an answer.
I'm getting grounded and focused, and apparently I needed to do it again.
Maybe it was a way to shake off any complacency and "renew" my safety net.

Thank you again.
Cap

((nwtr))
Thank you for sharing with me. I sincerely appreciate it.

The word "repair" jumped out at me. I can't really say that anything was broken, but it did need changed.
Just as any issue is not static neither are our coping mechanisms.
Sometimes the smallest things will trip me, but its also when I have the greatest gain...
A rather good exchange I would say

Peace, nowheretorun, peace
Cap

Thanks P7, you are good people...old Southern way of acknowledging a good hearted person.


Cap

((muffy))
It helped a great deal, and I'm very grateful for you and the support you so freely give...thank you.


Cap

(((((((( Capp )))))))))

Ah, well I hope my reply stays here also.

Research isn't actually allowed here and it is written in the rules of PC. If you have suspicions let Admin know! I have alerted Admin to researchers in the past and Poof! They are gone!

Beware of anyone that calls themselves Doctor_Shock or such and professes to know everything, they tend not to stay that long once they realize we have brains and know what they are doing!

Thanks Pegs

I thought I had read that research wasn't encouraged, but I honestly didn't think about reporting this person.
Thanks for clearing this up for me.

I've run across some of those sharks and just ignore them. My initial reaction is to call them on it so they don't hurt someone...at any one time, there are folks who are fragile and certainly don't need a condescending attitude/advice.
I do realize that an encouraging PM to the hurting one can help some, or I leave a vistors' message.

Cap

Trusting people can be very hard! especially when other people close to you don't trust anybody. Then it can be difficult to talk to people if you dont know who they are or enough about them it can be really difficult to trust. Thankyou for all the supportive posts they are really great

Yw (cap))))))) Alot of times in posting it helps me.
You bringing up the trust issue was a good thing.
((ty)) for being so kind., Your a good person and you show alot of support too.
muffy

cap i've been in my own crisis and somewhat self absorbed but i always like to read what you post so that's how i got to this one. don't know the main issue but get a gist of it by ppl responding and yours.
when i came to pc i too was hesitant to a cetain degree cause i needed to get to know my way around. i also learned a while back to stick with the winners so of course you were one i gravitated to cause you do give many of us so much hope. your replies are always thoroughly thought thru.
i noticed at certain intervals of time that a person would post all kinds of questions at each forum. as a result i avoided that post because i didn't feel they belonged here. they weren't talking about themselves but blatently just asking a question. it's sad that some people would "join" without revealing their intentions honestly. i wouldn't mind answering a question from an inquisitor if they announced their reasons in the first place.
i also don't sign my irl name until i feel relatively connected with a person at pc. perhaps whatever transpired, that i missed, will put us all on notice and to safeguard the integrity of pc we should report any suspicious posts.
i may be blowing to the wind right now cause i haven't read all the posts..... to know if i'm replying to the topic.
but one thing i do know and it's a positive note...there are some incredibly, genuine ppl here that help one another.i am glad i found pc, but like u i use caution...and also cap, thank you for being here at pc.

(((Madisgram)))
Thank you...

You got the gist of it, my friend.
Lots of things rolled into one. Some day I might surprise myself and quit put everything into its own compartment. They do overlap...


Cap

(((cap)))) sometimes it is hard to sort things out. SO that they do not jumble all into one. A long time ago I use to refer to my worrys as postum notes. At times when things get hard. I still do that,. To like you said put things in thier own compartments.
It does help. Being careful is ok. Building trust takes time. You will get there.
muffy

ive had the situation many times as i was working through a lot of my confusion .. i needed someone to talk with so much and i could sense the distrust around me, so many afraid to take a chance on a stranger, even non strangers that saw each other often who didnt build trust.. further into isolation i went and it was doubly sad cause i felt others wanted trust and friendships but, they too were unable to come out enough to connect... it was very isolating and carries a lot of inner pain with it... i hope each of us are doing a little better now... thanks Capp

Im sorry Capp trust is hard -

Thanks P7

Sometimes it's easy and sometimes it's not--obviously!
People, places, and things...
I've learned for the most part to trust--no pun intended--my gut instinct. A myriad of things made my instinct very reliable, and I seldom ignore it.

Cap

I have learned that too - somtimes its hard to go with your instincts if you dont trust yourself - but they are usually right

I think trust for me has become less vital...I use to find someone, spill the beans to them and then be hurt when they didn't dedicate the rest of their lifes to me and my issues...now as I have less need to tell everyone my life story, trust isn't such a biggy for me now...yes it is true there are some people who do not value themselves so they aren't going to value mine and those people now I let alone. If they say hi or something then I answer them, but I do not "expect" much from them, they are not vital to my "being". As I recover I am becoming the person I most want to "believe" in. If someone does hurt me now, yes I feel the pain, and the let down but am able to survive it much better and know that its more about the other person having let themselves down much more than they ever could me.

Good points, Mouse...

Jme, but my trust issues change the older I get; more mature in my recovery simply because every day, or whatever length of time, there are more Aha! moments. Moments when I understand where another person may be coming from within their own recovery. Hopefully I will "allow" myself to ponder before making any assumption.

That said...
I still have a problem with those who misrepresent themselves on any public forum, most especially a forum designed to help/guide someone experiencing distress.
It's my problem, though. The longer I am here then the more I will become aware of those with whom I am not comfortable with...and that would happen for many reasons.

All part of life in a large community, IRL or online.

Cap

trust...such a loaded topic.

for me...i tend to go with my ample gut. being both a survivor of horrific childhood abuse (sexual, emotional, physical) and law enforcement has taught me to follow what my natural instinct tells me. of course i may not always listen to it but usually its right.

i think that many times when something "just don't look right" chances are it ain't. same goes for people.

now this all being said...(and i know it sounds so ice and cut and dry doesn't it?) i must be honest and say because of the childhood from hell i can pretty much say i don't entirely trust anyone. i'm `not proud of this but it just doesn't feel safe. my t is great but there';s things i just can't tell or show her....or let her inside.

i would like to learn to trust and especially heal from some of the hell but i've made so many walls i can't knock them down now.

i am overall a pretty upbeat person. i believe in humor (it has saved me from the brink many times) and try to use it to help others...but sometimes it would be nice to let people know of the pain inside me...but i'm just not sure it's safe.

part of it is the ptsd from the abuse and the law enforcement. i got put into a situation which altho many years earlier than 9/11 was in some ways very similar (altho thankfully without the deaths)...we were trained and trained and trained some more and then told that when this event happened we would be killed by terrorists. not a matter of if just when. everyone in intelligence knew it. it would have been okay had i been a combat trained soldier but i wansn't...i was a law enforcement officer in a federal agency that was about as anti-law enfoecemnt as you could possibly be (most sites still beleived you should carry your weapon in a briefcase and not on your belt). and here i was being trained in hostage negitiations, bombs and explosives, firearms, tactical operations etc. trained for months.

and then just told to stand there and wait...while the world watched. we couldn't go home...slept on a cot, outside...no food or showers or anything...we were stuck. oh anyway...it was the start of many long years of work at this place were the fear never ended.

anyway...got a little sidetracked there...sorry

now i forgot what else i was going to say. damn hate when that hapeens. anyway i so understand the traut issue thingy.

Stumpy, thanks for your input...

I'm beginning to see that for me there are shades of mistrust...or perhaps it's more situational. Chronic as opposed to acute.

Like you, Stumpy, 99% of the time, I also go with my ample gut feeling.

There are somethings/some people that I will never trust. I put that into a "chronic" area.
Acute would be...I'm not sure...trying to think of the words.
Probably related to a more current event/person that I am wary of in a big way.

Boy, I'm really stuck on this one!
Back to letting it simmer in me mind until it makes sense to me.

Cap

(((((capp)))))))) I think going with your gut feeling as you said is true
your inner sprirt usally can be pretty right
trust in you my friend
muffy