[chalmette70043]

Its always i know exactly how you feeling.

Well no, not really. You left, moved away to a beautiful, clean town. I stayed behind and rebuilt with the hopes that so many more would do the same. My god, so many people lied to me.

Why dont you call me, email me, whatever?

Dont want to, dont wanna talk to anyone and hear how great life is out of St. Bernard. Why don't ya'll come here, spend a night in the town you grew up in. Go to bed at night seeing the **** outside around you then waking up and seeing the same. You wont come back, but you want me to come there. Maybe i am the selfish one. But i'm not going to let this anger out on you. I'll hold it in and act like nothing is wrong.

[phoenix7]

Hey chalmette70043,

holding it in and pretending nothing is wrong works for a while - you sound like you are going through a lot - I hope you have someone IRL to talk this through with - if not come here and talk - sometimes just letting it out helps - take care P7

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by chalmette70043

Its always i know exactly how you feeling.

Well no, not really. You left, moved away to a beautiful, clean town. I stayed behind and rebuilt with the hopes that so many more would do the same. My god, so many people lied to me.

Why dont you call me, email me, whatever?

Dont want to, dont wanna talk to anyone and hear how great life is out of St. Bernard. Why don't ya'll come here, spend a night in the town you grew up in. Go to bed at night seeing the **** outside around you then waking up and seeing the same. You wont come back, but you want me to come there. Maybe i am the selfish one. But i'm not going to let this anger out on you. I'll hold it in and act like nothing is wrong.

(((chalm)))))))) My friend. I am going to speak from experence.
Sometimes ppl move away to save them selfs
To protect thier kids. sometimes they just have done all they can do being there and they move. Yes they can still help from far away.
As your home should never ever be forgotten or the ppl lost.
Maybe they want you to come there to save you. protect you from anymore hurt. imo
Do not hold it in. Face it if you can. I know how stubborn and strong you are. I also know how scared and angry you are.
If you can my friend take the anger and the scared put it into your vids
show the world ..........
I care for you my friend (((((((((((chalm))))))))))))))))))))))

[chalmette70043]

P7, i'm going to therapy. my therapist has been working with me on my anger and what comes with it. I've just held things in, way back since i was a kid and as i got older it got easier to do.

I admit i'm really pissed at all my family and friends for saying their coming back and didnt. What i cant stand is that they all make me feel bad for staying. I'm not the only one that feels this way that stayed and rebuilt. We're insulted, put down, told we're stupid by family, friends and people we dont even know. In the past, even here at pc, i've gotten pm's telling me these things.

I dont insult them or tell them their gonna die becuase of all the **** in the air. And Muffy you nailed it on the head, all of them say they didnt come back because of their kids, work, etc. I respect them for their decision, but yeah i'm still pissed. And you should see all the 2000 kids going to our two rebuilt schools. Out of trailers and in buildings now.

I'm just so damn tired of being told i'm worthless and deserve everything i get because i came back. At least i'm one of the 16,000 out of 67,000 that has the backbone to rebuild a parish that was 100% destroyed. And i'm trying to not let them take that backbone away. i feel it happening though. They've done it in the past and you know the avenue i went becuase of it. I just have to keep that talk out of my head and my blinders on when i'm outside.

Muffy i'd get back on the camera, but having a little problem with using it. When i try to use it i flashback to that day i videoed the footage for the dvd 'da parish'. But i am working on it in therapy. My therapist today even gave me a challenge. She wants to see a documentary i shot and edited by May 1st. I'ts stressing me out so i'm just trying not to think about it right now. I'll see what tomorow brings.


Today i just want to know and feel what happy is, even if lasts only a minute.

((((((chalm)))))))))))))))))))))) I want to know I think you are a great person.
You are not worthless nor should anyone ever tell you that. EVER
Even thou I walked away from back home I never stoppped fighting for it. As you know.
Every now and then I make a apperence back there. I do not judge the ones who stayed.
Walking away was the hardest thing I ever did. It haunts me now.
The vid you did for me was amazing ((dear one))))
I am going to say you have good reason to be angry. (((my friend))))))))))))
Take your time with this , work with your T. I like she wants you to see the vid you shot.
you have the power to make a difference when you are ready
even if its to shot a vid of the kids rebuilding the school
Your strenght helps me in more ways than you know ...............
Be happy for today you deserve it
muffy

[Sannah]

Chalmette, everyone is entitled to their opinions. The trick is learning that it belongs to them and not you. Do you want others to validate your choices do you think?

You have made a decision and it was a good one for you. Others have made their decisions and they are good for them. It sounds like you are doing something really worthwhile...........

[chalmette70043]

Maybe i'm just taking what they all saying to heart when i shouldnt be as ya'll say. Maybe its just all me because i'm having such a hardtime accepting the environment i chose to come back to. Seeing barely nothing being done when told in the beginning different. Another place much anger comes out of.

All the people i know have at times told me they've just broken down at some point over it all and now accept it for what it is. I've never reached that point of 'breaking down'. My t says i'm holding onto the past, pre-katrina. I feel like i have accepted it, i just never had the 'breakdown'. I havent shed a tear. But they say to let it go, cry, throw things, whatever and i'll see life at that point in a different way. I can't cry. I still have the numb feeling.

This is too long after the fact to still have these problems. Something is seriously wrong with me. I feel embarrased and ashamed for who i've become.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by chalmette70043

i'm having such a hardtime accepting the environment i chose to come back to. Seeing barely nothing being done when told in the beginning different. Another place much anger comes out of.

This ^ makes a lot of sense Chalmette. It does sound like you are holding back your feelings (you feel numb).

I don't think that what you are experiencing is bad. You are having reactions to what happened to you. There is nothing wrong with that.

[phoenix7]

Originally Posted by chalmette70043

Maybe i'm just taking what they all saying to heart when i shouldnt be as ya'll say. Maybe its just all me because i'm having such a hardtime accepting the environment i chose to come back to. Seeing barely nothing being done when told in the beginning different. Another place much anger comes out of.

well it sounds like that is a good reason to be angry - seeing the devestation - and remembereing what was and what it is now - how much you have lost - people places -

All the people i know have at times told me they've just broken down at some point over it all and now accept it for what it is. I've never reached that point of 'breaking down'. My t says i'm holding onto the past, pre-katrina. I feel like i have accepted it, i just never had the 'breakdown'. I havent shed a tear. But they say to let it go, cry, throw things, whatever and i'll see life at that point in a different way. I can't cry. I still have the numb feeling.

different situation to mine but I was numb for a long time- I think its the bodies way of getting through tough times ... your feelings willl come back when your mind thinks its safe to start feeling again - maybe the tears will come then....

This is too long after the fact to still have these problems. Something is seriously wrong with me. I feel embarrased and ashamed for who i've become.

"it takes as long as it takes" geez if I had a dollar for every time my T said that to me! I was and somtimes still am angry, confused, ashamed, embarrassed and often hate the person I have become - I try not to be - my T also has a habit of telling me that I am human - so dear chalmette70043, please try to be kinder to yourself - you were hurt - you are healing - there is no shame in that - you are doing the best you can - there is no embarrasment in that - you chose to go back and rebuild - more power to you! everyone makes the choice that is right for them - I hope things get better for you soon

[wisewoman]

Hi, good to see you still plugging away. Hoping it gets easier.

[chalmette70043]

Let me ask ya'll this. Why can't i break through, even if its the 'breakdown' and just get past the numb feeling? I can't seem to progress in any way at all. I know ya'll can't sit me down and say its gonna be this way or that way. But, damn i wish ya'll could.

[phoenix7]

the thing that helped me out of the numb stage was CBT and TFT - without it I would probably still be numb

why are you still numb? maybe you still need to be to deal with all thats going on.... I dont know ....

I wish I could come over for a coffee and sit down and talk it out - but I cant (even though Id bring cookies! )

I hope you find somthing that works for you

[Sannah]

What have you been doing to progress? What do you think you might be doing to not progress?

[chalmette70043]

Life has been surreal to me starting 8am on 8/28/05. It hasnt changed, the feeling. Life now, today, is still a surreal feeling. I feel i've never had a past and life started on 8/29/05. Not a thing is the same. Nothing. I try to avoid what i see. I stare straight without looking to the side. But i cant always do that. I can't escape.

I'm working with a state job rehabilitation thing and hopefully i can find a job here where i live. I looked on my own for 2 years and nothing came of it. I'm hoping that when i do get a job that will help me.

I see my t once a week, pdoc once a month, other than that i hide away.

[phoenix7]

Im glad you see a T - do you have friends there who are going through the same things as you who you can talk ot about this? maybe there is a support group you can join even though you prob dont want to

actively trying to find things that are good can help - a flower growing in an abandoned garden - someone sweeping their porch - showing that life is moving on - for me having plants in my flat helps - seeing things grow gives me hope - sometimes!

The fact that you are there carrying on is amazing - give yourself some credit for that - do somthing nice for you - even if its as small as eating a chocolate or taking a shower with nice smelling shower gel - keep talking to your T - one day the numbness will give way to feelings again - when you are ready

take care

[Sannah]

Chalmette, do you think that everything feels surreal because you haven't processed anything emotionally since 8/29/05?

[chalmette70043]

hi phoenix. there is no support group that i know of except the people that live here. And for the most part they feel the same feelings that i do. killing themselves that they did move home, but refusing still to go anywhere else.

when i was in my trailer i rode my bike alot. but since moving into the house, i kinda pushed the bike to the side. i do walk my little dog sometimes. i dont mind the walk, the exercise or taking him out. i just can't stand seeing the surroundings.

i wish i was carrying on well. that would be amazing. amazing for anyone down this way. for me, and i'll probably regret saying it here. i want another storm to come and hit, as hard or even harder than that biitch. then i wouldnt have anything to worry about after that. we'd all disappear from the earth.

[chalmette70043]

hi sannah. your right on the dot i think. my t consistently tells me i got this brick wall up and i wont let it down. she keeps trying to get me talk about things but i only skim the surface of what i expericenced. im not good with expressing myself, never have been. so going below that surface is another territory i havent' gone yet. i guess with my t i'll get there. but it seems like getting there means you have to ball your assss off. and i can't even shed a tear. numb.

Originally Posted by chalmette70043

Life has been surreal to me starting 8am on 8/28/05. It hasnt changed, the feeling. Life now, today, is still a surreal feeling. I feel i've never had a past and life started on 8/29/05. Not a thing is the same. Nothing. I try to avoid what i see. I stare straight without looking to the side. But i cant always do that. I can't escape.

I'm working with a state job rehabilitation thing and hopefully i can find a job here where i live. I looked on my own for 2 years and nothing came of it. I'm hoping that when i do get a job that will help me.

I see my t once a week, pdoc once a month, other than that i hide away.

((chalm))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Do you know when I go home. I can not even drive down my street anymore. Last time I did. I sat in front of where i grew up and thought how can this be?
I can stick up for what i need too. Im lost for words on this one.
I want you to know at some point the tears do come. You may do it like i do in private.
I want you to know i care. Even thinking about back home brings tears to me. You will get there. My friend. I think you are amazing. Take care of you

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by chalmette70043

my t consistently tells me i got this brick wall up and i wont let it down. she keeps trying to get me talk about things but i only skim the surface of what i expericenced. im not good with expressing myself, never have been. so going below that surface is another territory i havent' gone yet. i guess with my t i'll get there. but it seems like getting there means you have to ball your assss off. and i can't even shed a tear. numb.

[chalmette70043]

I saw my counsler yesterday. She threw 'The Wall' at me. She had me break down Anger into other feelings. Mind you, this anger im talking about is just on what this thread is about. Theres other anger to but im not going there. It seems what my problem is, is that i'm sad, mad and i feel abandoned by my family and friends. It took the whole session just to get to that point, but she said next week we're gonna get down to the nitty gritty about it.

Just that last 15 minutes of session yesterday. Going to the other side of the 'wall'. I think i see where people talk about crying in therapy. Cause it really hurt just getting that out. I still don't know that i'll cry, but i know its going to hurt like i'd want to.

thank (((ya'll)))

[Sannah]

Good work Chalmette!

[phoenix7]

sounds like you are making progress - well done

[chalmette70043]

Thanks (((Sannah and Pheonix))))

I think maybe after ah, well,long time now. I think i might be starting to catch onto this therapy thing.