Can't cope...

my brother.. he's all i had
no i don't really talk about this, or all the other stuff
i mean i gotta go see a t every week but i don't talk to her
it's to hard

((((((((((((((((((Blue)))))))))))))))))

soryy it is still so hard for you rite now.
sending positive, peaceful thoughts your way,

beads

Blue can you write down your feelings and take it with you so your t can help you I'm sorry things are difficult for you

its just... everything happening again and again/ i feel... dirty.. and stupid and a 'thing' not a human

Hi Blue,

I'm just seeing you lost your Brother.

Im so sorry Blue.

You have had much taken from you .

you have made it this far.

people places and things do not last forever Blue .

This IS fact.
Loss is what it is
and it hurts every time and it seems to get deeper.

But you must go on ,
Because your a part of the puzzel of life .

You don't know what all is a head of you.

you may be integral in saving another persons life or heart some day

some where at a time known

you must finish shool

and talk to your T .

Your right it. it will not pass Its only through. And you will feel the loss the rest of your life because you loved your brother i a way no one else could and he you.

You looked after him ,
Now its time to look after you , I know you want to go be with him

thats a natural thought .

its gonna be tough,

ride those huge waves .I forget thier name . Tusnami

think of what you do have today .
and dream about tommorrow .

give to you what you wanted for your brother. Life.

you will have more things and people comming to you

and they will be part of your life.

I don't know why people have to get ill . but they do .
and your brother did .

It just hurts to the core to loose the last of your real family .

one day it will be our turn. just not now.

Patricia

you are not dirty or stupid and you are very much human - what is happening again Blue? loss?

praying and hopeing that you find the peace and the rest you seem to be searching for

mary of beads

(((((((((((Blue)))))))))))
I am thinking of you and sending you all the hope i can.

no not loss... it's.. well i dont think i should talk about it.. sorry.. i cant

thats ok Blue let me know if I can help you

I just feel like i'm a thing rather then a person sometimes you know?
First my father using me as a toy, the s.abuse... All of those other men he also gave me too as if i'm for rent or something
Then when we were finally placed in fostercare, changing homes and schools every few months
As if i'm some kind of inconvenience and they dont know what to do with me (well us since Jasper was still here)
Some family supposed to be our 'permanent' fosterfamily plain say we're to much to handle for them and this was not what they had expected when they agreed to take us... wtf they knew jasper was ill and they knew about our past did they truly think we would be normal kids without problems?
And these abusers they just keep popping up everywhere i can't stop it...
It feels like i will never be normal ... just a thing.. an inconvenience... a toy...

those people who did that to you - they are sick - that they used you is an unforgivable crime as far as Im concerned - to take a childs innocence is unforgivable to me - yuo had no part in it - you deserve to be loved in the right way - to be taken care of and have a happy and purpopseful life filled with all the wonderful things that life has to offer - dont let them take it away from you - fight it - you can do this - we are here with you - lean on us - talk to a therapist - let it out and let them help you deal with it - you are not a thing or a toy - you are a very special human being who has been hurt tremendously be some bad perverted people - please try not to be so hard on yourself - you are not at fault - they are! -
sending you safe hugs if ok

sorry blue...................not big on words here with regards to
your last post because it hits tooooooooooooo closae to home
tooooo familiar............
just plaese know tath bead heart goes out to you adn tath we ARE
here, perhaps sittign wiht you
really truly sorrythat you is hutrign so bad

beads

((((( blue ))))) know the feeling and wishing you well

i don't know if i can fight anymore... i fight and fight and figth and what do i get in return.. more pain..

(((((((((((((((BLUE))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you are in so much pain.

I know things are really, really difficult right now . On the bright side if you hang in there just a few more years you'll be old enough to get the hell out of there and then you won't have to deal with the foster care system anymore, and you'll be free to go wherever you want and your abusers can't possibly live everywhere in the world.

Just remember that you are human and you are cared about

it's to much.. I can;t do this anymore[/quote]

Well, don't do it anymore. Do something else. I mean by that, to think different thoughts, choose different responses, ignore thoughts, act "as if"
until the feelings settle down. It is helpful to me to remember that the intense feelings do subside after a while. Time will always, always, ALWAYS help. K? What about music? Art? Literature? These things are created from intense feelings. Channel them. Create something. You are valuable. Your experiences are valuable. K?

its hard, just to get out of bed sometimes. even though i hardly sleep. hate sleep. all those nightmares. hate life too though. what a choice... at least sometimes i get out of going to school.

Blue,
I feel for you right now. I know jasper was your world. I know this has been the worst part of things for you. You are not a "thing" blue. You are a person. a good person with heart who was hurt. I havent been myself lately either but after seeing your post, and seeing the pain inside you. And I felt compelled to tell you that you matter. It dont feel like it right now. But the others are right. just a little more time till you can be free on your own. Heck blue, the moment they say you are youre own adult, I would personally send every penny I have to you so you could find a good place to live. Maybe when that day happens we can meet up? maybe have a PC party? Think about it. You are so worth it. Little more time. and a ton of faith and hope. Jasper would want to see you make it out on your own. Make it better for you. I can bet he is pulling for that right now. Im sorry you are hurting. You are such a great guy. You deserve so much better. Think of jasper, remember how you protected him? Hes up there to protect you. Show him the strength you have always had. Give it time my friend. We are all here for you.

Hugs to you blue

Colleen

(((Blue93)))

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Blue}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
beads hears and, yes in an odd sort of way feels your pain as she went thru the fostercare system too....it sucked..........the day we turned 17 years old we got our own place adn we never had to deal with any of them again. keep hope alive for that day iffen you can.
we;re thinking of you, and hoping for and with you,

beads

I can't feel/believe all these things. I only can feel used, alone, lost. DIRTY
i should be able to stop these things im no kid anymore...
It just HURTS so much

blue - is someone hurting you? if so can you tell someone? get away from them? maybe im on the wrong track - I hope so