what to do about this....

so im thumbing thru the local paper and I always read the friday edition because there's a special section on the county I live in.....

I always read the court records....see who got busted...new babies...real estate transactions....divorces

and under divorces............hey wait I know her!

yes my therapist.......

wait...WTF....this happened a month ago....she never mentioned it?

ok its her personal life and I know she has to separate it from her work....but now that I know I cant look her in the eyes and wonder....what happened....25 years and the plug just gets pulled.....shes counseling me on why I should stay married!

I feel really bad for her....do I mention this?......if I do will she throw me out?....hell its public records

Dunno if I would mention it or not. You have no way of knowing how private she wants to keep it, how painful it is for her, or how she would feel discussing it with clients. Yes, it's a matter of public record. But perhaps only because she has no control over it being printed in the paper.

Guess I would not say anything.

she won't throw you out .

i think it would be good to bring it up. she will probably be touched that you are concerned. and maybe you will find out that she really is ok with it, maybe it was her decision, etc.

I think it's important that you DO bring it up. She will know how best to handle it - and it is likely that you are not the only client that will have noticed and raised it.

That would be so much better than holding it in and developing certain other feelings - especially if she's counseling you on your marriage.

I think it's important that you bring it up. It's not like you got the info by searching for court records for her. It was right there in the newspaper. (Why do newpapers publish this stuff anyway? I don't think my local paper publishes divorces.) It could affect a lot in your therapy if you don't bring it up, since you are dealing with marital issues yourself. Be prepared that she will want to know how that makes you feel. If your main feeling is that you feel really bad for her, then say that. She will not throw you out.

Brian, sometime during my first year of therapy, my T told me he was divorced. I knew he was in a serious romantic relationship, but I hadn't known for sure if it was marriage or not, and I kind of just assumed he was married (he's a marriage counselor, after all, so it seemed natural that he would be married). It turned out he was not married to his current love and had divorced several years earlier. I seemed to accept this pretty well in session when he told me--didn't bat an eye. But I almost immediately went into a depression. Just slid down, and I had no idea why (I am a master at repression). Several months later, we uncovered how I felt about his revelation. Our dealing with it was so helpful. When he had told me about his divorce, my overwhelming reaction was one of hopelessness. He was so good at relationships and helped so many with their marriages, and he just seemed so f**king functional. It made me feel that if he couldn't have a successful marriage, then no one could. Why even try. Certainly I could not succeed if he couldn't. I just felt what was the point of anyone at all marrying if T couldn't get it to work. We were all doomed to failure.

Anyway, our discussing this thoroughly helped me enormously. T was able to give me back my hope that it wasn't all pointless. I also felt very bad for T that he had to go through a divorce because I was going through the failure of a marriage and it was very painful, and I didn't want him to have had to go through that. But he had. We worked on that too.

Yes, but remember her marriage is not yours.

Good luck with this.

sunrise wrote: He was so good at relationships and helped so many with their marriages, and he
just seemed so f**king functional. It made me feel that if he couldn't have a
successful marriage, then no one could. Why even try. Certainly I could not
succeed if he couldn't. I just felt what was the point of anyone at all marrying if T
couldn't get it to work. We were all doomed to failure.

exactlyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Maybe her husband beat her. Or was a pedophile, drunk...having an affair.

What, about half of marriages end in divorce? It's not exactly an extraordinary situation.

Maybe they just didn't click for whatever reason. I can understand the concern. I'd mention it since it's an important issue to you. Seeing it in a newspaper isn't violating boundaries. Do you really expect a T to share that info?

I'd think in many ways it's a benefit of sorts. Having a T who's been through serious relationship problems should make it easier for her to understand some of your issues first-hand.

I guess you feel like this person you confide in and confess everything to should be perfect and have her "sh&%" together....sometimes were so wrapped up in our shortcomings we forget their human too

I just was shocked both by seeing it and my reaction to it....

I'm late replying, but I would definitely bring it up. Like others have said, it was in the NEWSPAPER and you just ran across it.

I've found that when there is something that I want to bring up in T, but don't, my therapy doesn't go as well at all. I'm distracted by what I'm not talking about. When I get it out in the open, we can deal with it, clear it out of my head, and move on.

Let us know what you decide to do!

i would be shocked too, brian .

but it is ok that your T's marriage ended in divorce. she may be perfect (not human ) but it also takes 2 for a relationship to work.

when do you see T next? i'd be interested to know if you bring it up, and if you find the discussion helpful. i am sure she would be prepared for some questions along these lines, if she knows this type of info gets published in the paper.

If you are feeling the same way I did, then it could be very helpful to talk to your T about this. He really helped me a lot by how he mended this. He gave me back hope.

I agree with this. Now I am really glad my T has gone through a divorce because he has so many insights into what I am going through. Our failed relationships have a lot in common, and this has helped me.

I have to say I'm really surprised that everyone seems to think Brian should bring it up in T. I guess I just don't understand that. I understand that she is counselling Brian about issues in his own marriage, but I fail to see how that makes it okay to take away T's right to talk or not talk about her personal life. I am so surprised.

One of my T's had an ongoing legal battle in her family that must have caused her huge stress and pain. It was plastered all over the newspapers and in the TV news from time to time. All of it was public knowledge, but it was still T's personal life and it never once entered my head that I should talk to her about it. If she thought it had relevance to the therapeutic relationship or my therapy it waws HER place to bring it up, not mine.

I guess I feel very strongly the same way about this situation. Her private life ISN'T relevant to your therapy, Brian, even if part of your therapy is about your marriage.

The key word here is YOUR. Not hers. YOURS.

Respect her privacy eh? If she wanted to discuss it in your therapy or share it with you she would. She hasn't yet, but she still may do so, IF she thinks it's relevant. But that is her information to share, not yours to bring up.

but it's not taking away her right to keep her private life private, Luce. she still has the opportunity to say "i don't want to discuss that".

maybe if you were going through a similar situation as your T, then you would want to discuss her legal proceedings also, i don't know.

certainly if anything came up in the paper about my pdoc, i would bring it up, because i care about him immensely and want to make sure he is ok. if it was something relevant to what we were discussing, i would probably also want reassurance that he was still ok to keep working with me.

the paper is what took away her right to privacy, not Brian. by keeping quiet, brian may be fostering distrust/lack of confidence or whatever else, which would be counterproductive to the therapeutic relationship. i am not saying he *must* bring it up, but if you would like to, Brian, then i see no reason not to.

I don't think her right to talk (or not talk) about her personal life would be taken away. She can choose to talk about it or not. My guess is most T's would probably not say much about their personal life in response to the query but instead say something like, "how did it make you feel when you read that in the paper?"

i agree, brian, i'd bring it up....particularly since it had an impact on you and your therapy. she may be uncomfortable since it's private to her but perhaps she will share with you things that can help you in your marriage. it's a 50-50 chance this divorce wasn't of her doing. she very well could have gone through a rough time about it but didn't let it impact her clients. that's a good thing. she can separate her professional stuff from her private life. her supporting you saving your marraige indicates that she believes it is worth it.