It was a total waste of time!

I went to my first therapy session (the evaluation) this morning, after waiting 2 1/2 months for my appointment. I don't know why I even bothered, the T is shuffling me off somewhere else. I'm on my own again for two more weeks, then I'm supposed to be evaluated for substance abuse by an addiction T. Don't they realize I'm self-medicating to cope with everything? The T wasn't even concerned about my SI even though I admitted I was out of control. I knew they would do this -- I should have kept my Benadryl addiction to myself. Granted, 200 pills a week is extreme but it keeps me numb, they're trying to blame all my problems on this one substance even though I've always had problems. I can't even begin to get any kind of help from therapy until this other T evaluates my dependancy issues, then who knows where they'll send me next. I'm thinking about just forgetting the whole thing.

Hi Knothead,

I hear you, and I remember when I was desperately needing help. It all seemed to slow, of course that was also connected with the anxiety I was experiencing inside, caused partly from the substances I was using to self medicate.

I'm thinking can you do something in the intrim to help yourself, can you attend an NA meeting?

Sorry if this all sounds tripe, but I have been where you are now.

Good luck.

(((((((((((((Knothead))))))))))))))))))

I don't have any good advice, but I wanted to let you know I read your post and I care.
It really sucks that you had to wait all that time, and that you have to wait another 2 weeks. Please don't give up....even though it is hard you deserve the chance to feel better.

Oh, Knothead, that's hard. I remember when I finally called my T to see her again after 9 years and was all excited about finding/getting in touch with her again and she couldn't see me for several weeks until she came back from a vacation.

I don't think it matters that you're self-medicating for other problems, the addiction T can help you with the whole ball of wax so you don't need the Benadryl.

One step at a time, friend. You're doing great!

(((KNOTHEAD)))

You know, this sounds very frustrating, but consider it this way----what better choice do you have? You can't go back, and if you continue in your current self-destructive cycle you are only hurting yourself further and the problems will still be there, eating you up inside. Everyday this continues it pushes you deeper into it, making it that much harder to get out. Problems don't solve themselves, and tend to get worse if untreated. This goes for any type of problem.

If you give up now, then you definitely won't get any help. If you go with the program, then you stand a good chance that this might really work for you. It's okay to be afraid--it's normal, but try not to let fear defeat you. You can do it--just be patient with yourself and go with the flow.

(Everybody) -Thank you for all the kind words.

Your responses made me feel a lot better after I read them over this morning. I had a total nuclear level meltdown yesterday; it was so bad that I even scared myself. I know things will continue to get worse if I don't get treated and as silly as my Benadryl addiction is, I do need help with it. I'm just so tired . . . May 27th -- I think that's when I'm supposed to go to the other T.

(((knothead))) It does sound like you are receiving appropriate care, it's just in the infancy stage, and the wait is long but that isn't yours nor the doctor's fault, you know?

A good eval is important. You wouldn't want them to start you off on one path only to have an AH HA moment later and change course, right?

You did well to share all that stuff. You did so because you knew it was important. It's good you shared your self harming too. SH is a coping mechanism, so they do understand, I think, how tough things are for you right now.
Hang in there...hang here with PC members... you'll make it!

((((((KNOTHEAD))))))))

I know what nuclear level meltdown's feel like! Been there!

Hey, addiction to anything isn't a silly cakewalk. It's serious stuff. You are perfectly right for seeing the need for and getting help with it. Kudos to you. You don't need addiction on top of other serious issues bogging you down, and I'm glad your not just going to give up.

It is so good to hear you are feeling better.

I will share 2 things with you that help me.
Both are from my T, with whom I share my thoughts and fears including when I feel like I've wasted a session or it was wasted in some way and that is that a session is never a waste. Just showing up is meaningful and at times very hard to do. Even if one sat in silence the whole session, being there and allowing that silence would say something.

And the other thing is something my T told me very early on when I was in a lot of distress all the time. She asked me to just "Trust the process.". This was when I didn't even know if I could trust her (took me 9 months). In difficult times, I remember this and it helps me show up.

I still meltdown but not as often.