What do you give to the relationship?

I left therapy tonight thinking about how all relationships are reciprocal, even the therapeutic relationship. And I know that we are the clients/patients and the focus should be on us, our needs, and our healing. But I was wondering what does T get from this relationship? I mean, he must feel drained sometimes because I do. My dissociation isn't easy to manage and I told him today that I never know who is going to show up for therapy. I think I am going to bring this up next session but what do you think your T gets from the relationship (besides a headache now and again)?

My t says that she has learned alot from me. She didn't tell me what (I was sort of afraid to ask!!). But I'm guessing that it is because I have such a complex set of issues. I haven't responded to any of the shorter, quicker-fix approaches she knows. And in order to help me, she has had to read books and attend seminars to find out more ways to help me. So I'd say that I've increased her overall knowledge base for clinical work.

Also, I once told my t that when we have a problem and are able to talk things over and work it out, that it makes me feel really good. She said that when this happens, she also feels "gratified."

I have also told her how important she is in my life, and I'm sure for any therapist, it has to be at least a bit of a boost to the ego.

awesome question!

with pdoc, i know he cares about me deeply, so he derives value from seeing me get better and change. he really values his place in my life as one of the people i'm closest and most vulnerable to - he doesn't take it lightly and continually expresses how honoured he is that it's him, of all unlikely people.

i think he had only been practising for a year before i became his client, so i'm one of the few people who's been able to see him grow into his profession and who he is today. sometimes he does bring up how he takes a different approach now (he's a lot more capable and confident) but i'm also able to give him feedback on what made our relationship work to begin with - all these things he did unwittingly which i hope he doesn't lose as he continues to get even better as a pdoc.

he also gets someone to talk about books with and tell his stupid jokes to (i do try to laugh unless they're reaaaally bad, in which case he gets feedback on which jokes not to try on other colleagues/clients). i think he gets excited about seeing me because he always prepares stories about his plastic gorilla and what it got up to during the week (apparently i'm the only person apart from his wife who knows about his stolen plastic gorillas. yes my pdoc is nuts).

and most importantly - he gets a stable income - as long as he has me, he'll never go hungry!!

My T has often said that he wants to feel useful, so when I need and get and use his help, he feels "gratified" (they must learn that word in T school!).

I can also infer what he gets, from my own experiences in an unrelated field. I am a teacher and no matter how hard it has been to work with a kid, I feel really good when I see that child grow and develop and become more independent and confident. It makes me feel proud to know that I had a hand in steering them that way. I suppose T feels that way, too.

I'm still fairly new with my T, but she told me that her impression of me thus far is that I'm very engaged and ready to jump into therapy - I think she finds a lot of value in that.

(((((((((((MC))))))))))))

That's a great question. T tells me all the time how challenging I am because I avoid topics and give him a lot of what he calls push back. I agree, doing therapy with me is a challenge. Maybe that's what T gets out of it, the challenge, the thrill of getting coconut to recover from trauma. I fight him with all my might, but he doesn't give up. On the contrary, he pushes and pushes until I give up and I let him in. He also always tells me how he wants me to do better, to be healthy, to be able to sleep. He wants those things for me, even when I don't or when I don't care or when I give up. For many of us T is the first person who we share our real selves with, the first person we really trust, the first person who we open our pain to. I guess that's what they get out of it. They are our witness. The other day I told T that he didn't understand what I was going through. He said "I've walked with you long enough to understand what you're thinking and feeling". That's what T gets out of it in a way, to walk with me.

A few chuckles.
A lot of resistance.
A lot of avoidance.
A bit of pouting.
And $120 a week.

I went back and pulled this from one of my earlier posts. My T told me once that one of the reasons why he's a therapist is because it makes him feel good.

I had some more thoughts about reciprocation. Imagine yourself as the therapist for a moment. Imagine that your job every day is to show other human beings positive regard and acceptance and (while in the room) to give them unconditional love...perhaps something they have never received before. People who have been hurt, abused or are down and feeling hopeless...and you have to look deep within yourself and find within yourself the very things that person needs to see a ray of light. So the therapist has to find the very best in him/herself and try to be selfless. I can't imagine how that would not feel good. Not only that, but to see many people and know them and experience them in ways that they don't often show to others...that would have to be fulfilling, I would think. Finding the best in yourself to help another and for an hour trying to enrich their lives, trying to show the client what they have to offer. In a world where there seems to be so much unkindness, how could it not feel good to be kind? I'm sure that each therapist has their own temperament and style when they work with clients, but there has to be something they get out of it besides a paycheck or I would think they'd suck at it.

I'm sure that being a therapist can be draining at times, but I have no doubt that the rewards for making a difference in someone's life make all of that well worth it.

hahaha!!! me too!

money.

and i hope at least one hour a week that she doesnt dread. i hope.

its kind of important to me that i dont know what if anything T gets out of it though because then all i have to be is as non-hurtful and as polite as i can. i dont have to push myself to give more to her. i dont have to know what she likes so i dont have to work on figuring out how i can give her more of that. or work out what else i can give her to make her feel better. that means i dont have to feel guilty im not doing enough. i dont have to modify my thoughts, behaviours, actions to suit her.

i dont want to know who she is, what she likes, what she needs. up to a point of course. i need to know enough that i know she is intelligent, caring and not going to hurt me. now that i know that i really dont push for more. im terrified of getting it. and shes good about just giving me that right amount and no more. she likes travelling, biking and cooking. she has a partner (dont know his name). she doesnt have any kids. she works with kids and refugees and just finished 2 years of more study. after that whats important is how she is during the sessions.

hmmm... thanks for the opportunity to think about this.

What a good question.

T would say that this is her passion - helping people.

I would say my end of it is a check, and that's about it. I have a feeling I am not her easiest "client".

I would hope you are not just a "check" to your therapist. I would feel sad if that's all I felt like to my therapist. There have times I have been over $3,000 in debt to her and she never once said anything about it. I usually worried about it to her but her response was "you will pay me when you can" & she was right I did...

Thanks to all for all the replies. I just don't know what T gets from the relationship, and I am still thinking about it. I know he gets $200 per week. I hope he gets a hell of a lot more. I hope he feels the caring and love I feel for him. I hope he enjoys the opportunities I give him to feel proud of my growth--kind of like I feel with my own children. I know he gets to worry about me when I am very depressed and that makes me feel good and bad simultaneously. I hope I expand his understanding of human-kind (the kind of person I am, because culturally we come from different backgrounds)....this way he can help others more.

I know I hope for a lot but I just couldn't bear to think that this relationship was anything less to him. After all, he was the one who said to me, "Miss, this relationship is real."

Peaceout

I think I bring honesty and vulnerability and willingness and she has told me those qualities are quite powerful to her in our sessions. I also think I bring my *sparkling* personality and sense of humor and she seems to genuinely enjoy being with me for that hour.

I do wonder what T's get from these relationships... I think they get a lot... And maybe a lot more than we think or might be fathomable for us as the client/patient. I imagine this to be true because I imagine that there is no way my T can fully and completely understand what I get from the relationship with her, not really. I suspect that it may be true the opposite way- that the relationship they have with their clients touch our T's as much as the relationship touches us.

in her eyes probably not? she says this is her passion.

but in my eyes - what on earth do I have to offer her but that, and my tremendous distrust, and avoidance.
of these, the check sure seems the more attractive to me.

LOL sitting,
I can totally relate. I feel like I don't give my T anything but a hard time with my lack of trust. I would like to have a really good relationship with her but I still have walls up for fear that I will somehow get hurt in all of this.

I wish I could give her more; I always show up, maybe that is something. I wish I could be really free with her, I hope that I can one day, I really do, she is been very patient with me.

I am pretty sure its not the check in my case though because it's only a small amount. She offered that amount because she knows I am a full time student and she doesn't take my insurance. I am so greatful for that, sometimes I feel guilty that I can't give her more, I know she deserves much more.

Wow, I'm not sure what I give T in the relationship. I might ask him when he comes back from vacation.

I know that he enjoys me and my sense of humor. I know he feels connected to me, and that the "attachment goes both ways". I know he loves me. So maybe all of that feels good to him? He says he appreciates how hard I work...

I give him a LOT of work to do and keep him on his toes. So maybe he likes being busy?? lol