I feel like self destructing, I don't know why. I feel like I wish I could disappear from so much pain. Can I believe T that feelings come and go ? I don't know why I feel so sad today. I feel a lot of anger under that too. I think it is at my first T. I want to hurt him back, but then again I just want to talk about what happened in therapy. There is no going back, I know. I just feel so sad that he hurt me and I let him. I should have known better that the feelings of being special was going to bit me in the butt later. How do I get past what he did to me? Do I fight back with my complaint with the APA or do I just accept things and try move on? Why do T's have to hurt those they are treating? What is wrong with the profession, what the hell is wrong with them?

When I am feeling like I am leaving this behind me, it rears its ugly head again, and I am so devastated and feeling hurt. What is wrong with me that I can't get over this, now going on 2 years since I fired him? What is wrong with me?

[Foomph]

There's nothing wrong with you! Have you told your new t what happened? I don't know what did happen, but if it's not ethical, I would definitely file a complaint. Don't blame yourself (I know, we all do it), but it wasn't your fault and you couldn't have seen it coming.

[phoenix7]

new T may be able to help you - you cant get over it cos it still hurts - and it still hurts cos you cant get over it - accepting what has happened is the hardest part - it comes before anything else - admitting this happened and it wasnt your fault - is the first part - i thinkk i ma drifting a bit sorry - big bump on head today my excuse

there is nothing wrong with you - gez I can tget over stuff from 40 years ago and 20 years ago and two years ago - you are not alone in this

please dont beat yourself up about this - please take care of yourself and try to be kind to yourself -

[winterbaby]

Well I think the reason is part of you still has strong feelings for him. It is hard to let go when part of you is still attached or whatever you want to call it. It's like any other relationship, letting go is hard when we are hurt. You need some sort of closure. Would it be possible to do that? Is it really that you want to file a charge or is it that you are hurting because of the way it terminated? I am not familiar with the situation but I did read your blog link on one of your posts and it looks like this is still a lot of work for you to do on this.

[peaches100]

Exoticflower,

The fact that this deep pain keeps coming up for you seems to indicate that you haven't yet been able to accept and process what happened with your former t. Do you still have feelings you need to express? If so, to who? What do you still need to say? To feel? Hurt and grief can take a long time to work through, and it's not a straightforward pattern. We can feel like we've accepted it one day, but then something comes up to remind us of the hurt, and we feel it all over again.

When the pain hits, you have a very good idea to remind yourself that these emotional waves do come and go. The intense hurting feelings will not last forever. Try to ride them out. Let yourself cry if you need to. Let yourself get angry. You've been hurt by someone you deeply trusted. Honor your feelings as they come, and try not to chide yourself for "not being over it yet."

Everyone thank you so much for your responses. Sorry I haven't responded til now but I have limited internet access this week. But because of the limited access, it helped me think some thing through.

I have therapy today for the first time in over a month of my therapy break. I have much to tell her, some stuff that just came to me over the last couple of days. My T is very aware of what happened with T1 and and T2 and understands the pain I am in.

Here is what I am thinking. After my T1 really hurt me badly one session, he said he wouldn't come to my funeral if I died, he said he didn't care about me and other stuff too. He yelled at me because he felt frustrated (he said so) with me that day because I was being resistant to doing EMDR with him. I was very afraid of doing EMDR, especially what happened to me after we did it the first time, almost 2 years earlier. But thing is that it scared the hell out of me when he yelled at me because nobody has done that to me since I was a child who was abused a lot. I yelled back for him to stop yelling at me, and he said he wasn't. Then I said you were talking to me ina very loud mean voice that scared me. Then he said that maybe he shouldn't have done that. He even made me cry in therapy for the first time.

But this is what I just realized, when all of this happened to me that day, it was like I was looking at him and me from across the room. After all this time I finally see this, it didn't even register with me over the last couple of years that when I remember this, it is from the other side of the room. I think I might have totally dissociated during this or something, not sure. I remember when I left his office I told him that I hated him and then I called up and told that I was firing him, that I wasn't going to take that **** from anyone. Then I lucky got in to see T2 that week.

I know some of you know my story with my T1 well, and some don't know it much. But I think I am wanting to hurt him back for what he did to me, because what was going on in therapy, wasn't therapy, it was much more. Getting him back professionally is the only way I know I can get him. But that is going nowhere for me. I think because our relationship went way beyond professional, it was a personal relationship the last half of it. It got messy. But for me, he was so much more than just my T. I think this is why I am so hurt, because the relationship revolved into so much more than a professional relationship and he freaked out about his feelings and he lost his objectivity in the relationship of being my T. THings turned personal, and when that happens, the part of being with a T who is protective was lost because he slammed me down. Things that can happen in personal relationships, but it shouldn't even happen in therapy relationships. But my feelings for him went very deep and after that day of therapy, I feel like I died, that I lost something from within me. That is what I need to work on in therapy.
I think the last 2 years I have been depressed, I worked on things like the death of my brother and my first grandchild, but the feelings on the surface I felt was anger and a lot of it. The meds keep me even, but I still had anger. Now that I am no longer depressed and have been off my meds for the last couple of months, and the fact I am exercising everyday and doing yoga, the anger is dissipating through the exercise a lot. The yoga is getting rid of a lot of buried tension in my body. So now I feel deep sadness, my emotions are very much on the surface. I FEEL LIKE I DID 2 YEARS AGO after I fired my T1. It is like the depression keep me from processing the pain or something or it was the meds.
I have therapy in less than an hour from now. I want to tell her all of this. I think the therapy break did some good for me. But it feels like it is going to be so hard this time. I hope I can have the courage to do this, I am scared.

((((exoticflower))))

I hope you have an excellent session today, and that your T can be there for you and help you process the many feelings you expressed in this thread!

Originally Posted by dreamseeker9

((((exoticflower))))

I hope you have an excellent session today, and that your T can be there for you and help you process the many feelings you expressed in this thread!

Thanks, I had a good session today, and I told her everything, including meeting that other T. It felt like a whirlwind session. She said she could see I was a lot less angry and could see the sadness. We talked about her eyes, my mom eyes and my daughter's eyes. She wants me to bring in a picture of my mom if I am comfortable with it. She wants to see the crazy looking eyes that even my daughter noticed the other week. There is a crazed cold look to someone really gone mentally who is very violent, even my T agrees. You can see it in serial killers and you can see it in my mom, you would know it if you even saw it kind of look because you can't forget it.
So I feel better for talking to her again. I still feel raw though. It is hard.

[phoenix7]

Originally Posted by exoticflower

Here is what I am thinking. After my T1 really hurt me badly one session, he said he wouldn't come to my funeral if I died, he said he didn't care about me and other stuff too. He yelled at me because he felt frustrated (he said so) with me that day because I was being resistant to doing EMDR with him. I was very afraid of doing EMDR, especially what happened to me after we did it the first time, almost 2 years earlier. But thing is that it scared the hell out of me when he yelled at me because nobody has done that to me since I was a child who was abused a lot. I yelled back for him to stop yelling at me, and he said he wasn't. Then I said you were talking to me ina very loud mean voice that scared me. Then he said that maybe he shouldn't have done that. He even made me cry in therapy for the first time.

GRRRRRR!!!!!! what an A-hole!!!! sorry but this makes me SO MAD FOR YOU !!!

So now I feel deep sadness, my emotions are very much on the surface. I FEEL LIKE I DID 2 YEARS AGO after I fired my T1. It is like the depression keep me from processing the pain or something or it was the meds.

apart from the after I fired my t bit - this is exactly what I feel - I dont think i processed what had happened to me with the attack and SA whilst talking to my last T - I was on Avanza and that was sedating me a bit - so I was only dealing with the tip of the iceberg - now my meds have changed and I am more awake - its like it was 2 years ago when I was attacked and pandoras box was opened and all my old demons got free - I always wanted to go back and help that child that was abused but i realise now I cant and that makes me incredibly sad - we cant change the past so now with new T (who is actually someone I saw after the attack initially but he got sick) I am processing the things that happened and that is incredibly hard - so I have an idea how you feel

I have therapy in less than an hour from now. I want to tell her all of this. I think the therapy break did some good for me. But it feels like it is going to be so hard this time. I hope I can have the courage to do this, I am scared.

I hope therapy goes well and that it keeps going well and that you get to process this and work through it and finally move on - I hope that for everyone here - me included

Originally Posted by exoticflower

Thanks, I had a good session today, and I told her everything, including meeting that other T. It felt like a whirlwind session. She said she could see I was a lot less angry and could see the sadness. We talked about her eyes, my mom eyes and my daughter's eyes.

You are so brave! Good for you for opening up to your T about everything. Be good to yourself now, you've been through the wringer today!

[Michah]

Exotic,

I had a "Freudian" psychiatrist that was an absolute nasty. He pried very deeply into my psyche and made me feel worse than an animal, and animals don't even do what I did in my past(I have a lot of respect for animals. Better than most humans!) I was a sexual predator in the sense that I abused men in a most heinous way......after a couple of sessions I got very suspicious about his motives......almost like he was reliving my exploits in a most "dark" way.......hhhhmmmm I told him he was a pervert of the worst kind and that he deserved to catch the worst disease I could think of. I stormed out and never went back.

I felt so violated, and hurt that he had used my shame and guilt at causing distress for these people, for his own depraved means. So i then found a good psychiatrist and put the rest to bed.......karma has a way of sorting stupid people out.......

I can't remember why I wrote this, but I hope it helps........we all experince wa^&kers from time to time........I hope it improves, babe

(((((((((((((((exoticflower))))))))))))))))))))

I can SO relate to your realization about T1.

As you probably know, I ended up in bed with the youth minister of my church when I was in high school. I had been going to him for "counseling" but it truly turned into a friendship - a very personal relationship - and he offered to take me out for ice cream and took me to his apartment instead. The whole thing was a total shock to me...totally unexpected (because he was an adult and I was in high school and he was my minister!)...and I just went along with it, because I had no idea what else to do.

Afterwards, he told me that we couldn't be friends anymore, and I couldn't come see him at the church anymore. That it all had to be over. He told me this in the car on the way back to my parents house (we never got the ice cream). I was DEVASTATED. I was living in this hell at home, and my support was yanked away from me.

Even now, 20 years later, I go to his church's website sometimes and I think about how I could e-mail him and say something about what he did. I get what you're saying about being hurt and about the only way to "get back" at him is to get back at him through his profession.

It is unbelievably painful to be hurt that way by someone who is supposed to be helping us. I think that identifying your real feelings about what happened is a huge and important first step. It hurts so much, but acknowledging the hurt - and the real reason for the hurt - is such a huge first step in healing.

Sending tons of to you. You were so brave to share your feelings with T at your last appointment.

Be gentle with you.

Thanks for sharing that Michah

I hope you are right about the karma and I am glad you sensed what was going on and got yourself out of the situation.

Thanks for sharing such a personal story with me Treehouse, I didn't even know. It makes me feel not so dysfunctional to know that I am not the only one who had something like this happen, and still feel the pain from it.
The pain is unbelieveable and i am even scared to feel it. I feel like I will lose myself or something if I try to feel the full amount of my grief. I know I will need to do this in order to process it, but it is scary to leave myself in such a vunerable position.
My T said that T1 is probably really scared right now,he is probably trying to dismiss what I am saying to save his butt, but she thinks he knows what he did. I asked her if she thinks he is sorry for hurting me. She couldn't answer that. I want to believe that he is, but right now he is probably just trying to defend himself. My words do have power, my poetry is real and to the heart. He can try to dismiss what he did, but with my poems, it shows the depth of my hurt. He may have not meant to hurt me, but he did, and he has to at least know that much. He harmed me, he changed me in ways for the good and for the bad. Even the good feels bad now, it just hurts so much to be betrayed by someone who I thought the world of.

[pachyderm]

(((((Everyone)))))