Sorry I haven't been around much, all - I took a little break from PC, and also had crappy Internet access, while away for Thanksgiving. It felt good to relax and regroup with friends. My session yesterday was a bit painful, though - T and I went over again issues related to our latest misunderstanding. T said all the right things, but I found my mind drifting as she talked, almost like I was protecting myself by not fully listening in case T once again said something that would hurt me. During the session, I just didn't feel connected to T - I hated that. I remember even looking at T and thinking that she looked different, not as friendly and open.

T and I talked about my inner children - I told T that I haven't tried to write a letter from them to her. T said maybe that's because I didn't want to write her a letter. I told T that it was adult me who was angry with her, not little me. T wondered why little me wouldn't also be mad at T, I didn't understand - T explained that she thought little me might be mad at T for what T did to adult me. Hmmm...

It was strange - even though I felt disconnected from T, I found myself telling T a lot! I had a dream last week that I came into my session, and T was sitting on the couch and asked me, "Is this okay?", and I said, "Yeah!" That was it, no more to the dream than that. So I told T that, and then I told T how when I had read T the letters from my little ones, that they had wanted me to ask T to sit on the couch next to me, but I hadn't been comfortable with that. T didn't say whether or not she would've done it, and I didn't ask - now I wish that I had! T also wondered why it seems easier for me to write her from my little ones' perspective and not from an adult perspective. I'd never thought of writing T a letter from adult me!

So then I just went for it, I told T that sometimes I fantasize that she's sitting next to me and holding me while I cry. T was so good about it, she asked what I got from that fantasy - I said a tremendous sense of comfort, but it's also scary, to be that vulnerable - T wanted to know more about what was scary, I said I was afraid that just as I let it all out and allowed myself to feel safe in T's arms, that T would pull away and tell me that was enough, and I'd have to suck up all that pain, like I have my entire life. So the end of the session was rather intense. And I told T that I was panicking a bit that I had so few sessions left before seeing my family at Christmas, so T offered me an opening late Wednesday afternoon this week, since this is one of my one-session weeks.

So I journaled last night after my session, and nothing really came of it. But then I did my morning pages today, and WOW! It took a bit before my little ones felt safe enough, but then I just let go, and they wrote a letter to T, and it turns out they're very angry and upset with adult me for holding them back in being close to T! This realization upset me greatly, and I suddenly had all these words come to me that I wanted to tell T, but I didn't want to wait until my session tomorrow. So I wrote T a letter from adult me - it was full of apologies, self-hate, and why I felt I needed to distance myself from T after our misunderstanding. Both letters are full of so much pain, I was crying so hard that I was almost late for work - I had to put a cold compress on my eyes to get the puffiness down. I'm so glad that I see T again tomorrow, but it's going to be so painful and hard to read T those letters. I hope I can do it.

[peaches100]

Wow! What a good job -- in that you had something you needed to say to t and then “just went for it.” It takes SO much courage to speak your true feelings like that, especially when you don’t know what the response will be. Even though your session was painful, just the fact that you put things out on the table is a tremendously big step!

In reading your post, it sounds like there were two levels of anger going on for you. On one level, you were aware of some adult anger you were feeling toward your t, likely related to your earlier misunderstanding. And you responded to this anger by pulling away from your t by not “fully listening” or allowing connection. Then, your action of pulling away from your t prompted anger from child parts of you who wanted to feel close to t, but could not because your adult self prevented it.

It sounds like your t picked up on some anger and/or distance on your part, but that she was speculating that it was coming from child parts of you and not from your adult self. You did really well in letting her know that the anger was coming from your adult side, and then reinforcing it by telling her that child parts had wanted her to sit on the couch next to them but that you had not “been comfortable with that.” Later, your t noted that it seemed easier for you to write to her from your little ones' perspective and not from an adult perspective. This seems to fit in with the idea that your child parts are open to communicating and connecting, but there is perhaps some hesitancy on the adult’s part to allow this. In telling her about your fantasy of being held, you mention your fear of being rejected or pushed away. Is this the reason for the adult’s hesitancy? Did her response make you any more willing to risk asking for more closeness?

By the time you journaled, it sounds like the picture was all coming together for you, and you had an understanding of what had happened. You (the adult) still felt hurt and angry from the previous misunderstanding, so you had distanced. In doing that, you had also put a barrier between the child parts of you and your t (maybe as a protection). But instead of feeling protected, your child parts felt angry with you for being restricted.

The result was that the adult part of you stopped distancing from t, and instead, opened up and wrote t a letter (something that your t noted earlier was not so easy for you to do). In it, you expressed your true feelings of pain and self-hate.

You accomplished a great deal here. You came to your session with your adult self distancing and walling off your child parts from t. But you ended up with your adult self reaching out to t and sharing some very powerful feelings.

I hope your session goes well today.

Wow! I mean WOW!

What a session that was! "Feeling the hurt" is enough for me to want to hide under the covers. You were so open with her, so honest, I am in total awe really. I hope that is okay to say.

But peaches said all that I was thinking (she is quite the writer!)

I see your strength and I am sure you will do fine with your next session.

Peaches, how did you do that? You totally, completely summed up how I've been feeling!

Originally Posted by peaches100

Wow! What a good job -- in that you had something you needed to say to t and then “just went for it.” It takes SO much courage to speak your true feelings like that, especially when you don’t know what the response will be. Even though your session was painful, just the fact that you put things out on the table is a tremendously big step!
Thanks, Peaches! I feel like I need to bring that courage with me to my session tomorrow when I read these very painful letters!

In reading your post, it sounds like there were two levels of anger going on for you. On one level, you were aware of some adult anger you were feeling toward your t, likely related to your earlier misunderstanding. And you responded to this anger by pulling away from your t by not “fully listening” or allowing connection. Then, your action of pulling away from your t prompted anger from child parts of you who wanted to feel close to t, but could not because your adult self prevented it.
I think that's exactly what happened, only I didn't see it when it was happening.

It sounds like your t picked up on some anger and/or distance on your part, but that she was speculating that it was coming from child parts of you and not from your adult self.
I didn't think I was still angry at T yesterday, but I guess I was. T even gave me a chance to tell her more about the anger, but I insisted that I wasn't angry anymore. So maybe that's why T thought it was coming from my child parts, and I wasn't aware of it

Later, your t noted that it seemed easier for you to write to her from your little ones' perspective and not from an adult perspective. This seems to fit in with the idea that your child parts are open to communicating and connecting, but there is perhaps some hesitancy on the adult’s part to allow this.
It's strange - this ability I've tapped into, to write from my child parts, has been a gift in many ways. It just never occurred to me to write a letter to T from my adult self. Maybe that was my way of holding back more from T.

In telling her about your fantasy of being held, you mention your fear of being rejected or pushed away. Is this the reason for the adult’s hesitancy? Did her response make you any more willing to risk asking for more closeness?
The thought of being utterly, completely vulnerable like that leaves me shaking in my boots. My child parts want so much for T to hold them and comfort them. The adult me thinks that it's asking too much of T, that it's inappropriate, and also that it is risking rejection from T - I don't know if I could bear that right now. T didn't really respond with any reassurance that she wouldn't reject me. I don't remember what her response was exactly. That sometimes happens for me.

By the time you journaled, it sounds like the picture was all coming together for you, and you had an understanding of what had happened. You (the adult) still felt hurt and angry from the previous misunderstanding, so you had distanced. In doing that, you had also put a barrier between the child parts of you and your t (maybe as a protection). But instead of feeling protected, your child parts felt angry with you for being restricted.
They really are angry with adult me, and I was taken aback by how much that really upset me. Maybe that's why I felt the need to write T that letter from adult me.

The result was that the adult part of you stopped distancing from t, and instead, opened up and wrote t a letter (something that your t noted earlier was not so easy for you to do). In it, you expressed your true feelings of pain and self-hate.

You accomplished a great deal here. You came to your session with your adult self distancing and walling off your child parts from t. But you ended up with your adult self reaching out to t and sharing some very powerful feelings.
Thanks again, Peaches - I wish that I could process more in the actual session, but I think that's why I really benefit from having 2 sessions a week every other week - it helps me keep processing it all. And often, my 2nd session of the week ends up being deeper and more intense than the 1st - it's like we open up a big box of issues on Monday and start to pull some out, and then we finish sorting through the box and decide what to keep and what to throw out on Wednesday. Not a great analogy, but I hope you understand what I mean.
I hope your session goes well today.

Thank you! It's actually tomorrow. I hope it goes well, too.

Originally Posted by exoticflower

What a session that was! "Feeling the hurt" is enough for me to want to hide under the covers.
I don't think I really felt the hurt in session, but I sure did this morning, and I think it's going to stay with me today and tomorrow. I hope T can help me tomorrow as I move through this hurt. It's going to be really hard and painful to read T those letters.

You were so open with her, so honest, I am in total awe really. I hope that is okay to say.
Yes, it is okay to say. Thank you!

But peaches said all that I was thinking (she is quite the writer!)
Yes, she is!!

I see your strength and I am sure you will do fine with your next session.

Thank you, Exotic!!!

Just an update - I had my session today. I read my little ones' letter to T and my adult letter to T - it was so unbelievably difficult and painful, but I stopped myself from letting all the pain out. T and I talked about so much, our rupture, how we can get back to a better place. I want to get there now, but T said I can't push those feelings aside like I've always done, we need to work through them. T reassured me that we're gonna be fine, and that it's good that I made her look within herself at why she said some of the things she said. T asked me about my hurt and tried to understand it better. T wanted me to reread the letters, but we were almost out of time - T said she wanted to give me another chance to really let my emotions out, I told T it would help if she encouraged me to do it. And T said there was so much in the letters to discuss, she'd like us to read them line by line. I think it could be good, though, so that's what we're gonna do on Monday at my next session.

T and I also talked about how seeing her twice a week helps me process sessions better, and T has an opening now, so instead of twice every other week, I'm going to try seeing T twice a week for awhile!

Thanks for the support, all!

[BlueMoon6]

(((((Dream))))) Im sorry I am coming to your thread late There is so much here and it is all so very powerful. I could read it over and over. I am in awe at the ability of your little parts to sepress themselves and how your adult self allows it. Your right, it is a gift. What struck me, through your anger at T and how you are "all" processing it is the love and caring your little parts have for your adult self. They want to protect you and hold your feelings, maybe until you are ready to feel comfortable expressing them as your adult self? And the respect you have for your little selves. Allowing them their expression without (too much?)judgement or shame.

You are and your T truly sound like a perfect fit. She understands how much meaning there is in your letters to her, line by line, feeling by feeling. That she wants you and she to go deeper with each feeling. She isnt afraid.

I love that she is so unafraid that she is willing to look within herself this way about why she said what she did, and the powerful effect it had on you. Her remarks had a powerful effect on me! In a way, her remarks were a way for some of those feelings to come to the surface in your letters, as painful and self-hating as they were, they are your feelings and Im sure they are deep and affect your profoundly.

You are doing such amazing work with T. I am glad you are able to see her twice/week to process better. Wow

Originally Posted by BlueMoon6

(((((Dream))))) Im sorry I am coming to your thread late
No worries, Blue - thanks for coming!

What struck me, through your anger at T and how you are "all" processing it is the love and caring your little parts have for your adult self. They want to protect you and hold your feelings, maybe until you are ready to feel comfortable expressing them as your adult self?
That's so interesting, Blue, because I see it as my little ones being mad at adult me for standing between them and T. T and I discussed that today even. But maybe, just maybe, some of the things that my little ones want (to be comforted, loved, held by T) adult me can admit to wanting one day. T asked me today what I wanted - part of me wanted to say, "To jump in your lap and have you rock me" - obviously, that is a very young part of me, but I feel it in there. I did tell T that my little ones want to continue to be comforted, and even held, by her, and that adult me wants to get our relationship back to where it was so we can grow it more, and move toward my goals.
And the respect you have for your little selves. Allowing them their expression without (too much?)judgement or shame.
I do respect them, and I'm trying to understand them more. I even asked T today, how can all this exist in my brain? T said that as a child, my experiences weren't mirrored or even shared oftentimes, so now I've found this pathway to these childhood experiences through the writing, so it's like adult me is hearing and validating these experiences and feelings of my little ones - and they need it, I told T that they need to know that their feelings are justified and that they matter.

You are and your T truly sound like a perfect fit. She understands how much meaning there is in your letters to her, line by line, feeling by feeling. That she wants you and she to go deeper with each feeling. She isnt afraid.
She's not afraid at all. I was so afraid to read her some of the things in those letters, and we talked about that, how I didn't really let go of my emotions because I wanted to see what T's reaction would be to the letters - her first words were "Thank you for sharing those with me."

I love that she is so unafraid that she is willing to look within herself this way about why she said what she did, and the powerful effect it had on you. Her remarks had a powerful effect on me! In a way, her remarks were a way for some of those feelings to come to the surface in your letters, as painful and self-hating as they were, they are your feelings and Im sure they are deep and affect your profoundly.
They are very deep feelings, I'm still trying to understand them all. And I made a very important connection today between T's comment that hurt me so badly a few sessions ago, and my mother's judgement of me - so T really triggered that pain that used to come up whenever my mother would criticize me.

You are doing such amazing work with T. I am glad you are able to see her twice/week to process better. Wow

Thanks so much, Blue! I am blessed to have a great T, I know we'll work through this rupture and my messy feelings. And I'm equally blessed to be able to start seeing her twice a week now!

[zooropa]

that is so great, Dream. I just read through this and am struck by your courage, to be so open with T, to take such risk with sharing your innermost feelings & thoughts & needs & wants. It takes strength to do that. You and T have a beautiful relationship, it's great to follow along on your process of working through this, even though I know it's not been easy for you (that part has NOT been great!)
so glad you get to see her twice a week now, too!