Austin-T is dumping me.

sunny - you are right, and no i don't think you are being pushy (or - i really appreciate it if you are ). Austin-T calls these my "obsessive ruminations", and i'd never heard of that term before, but it makes a lot of sense to my experience just to have a name for it and to know it is a pattern that i engage in when i get stressed. i am going to ask pdoc for an earlier appt if he can squeeze me in, because i really do think i need someone outside of my head to help me out with this. i know going to Austin-T would be the best thing to do (insofar as direct communication is best), but i'm also worried that i will get really upset about it afterwards and obsess about it more after the session, and i have an exam i should be studying for instead.

right now i think i need some reassurance from pdoc and a bit of outside perspective to help me stop this crazy-making cycle of thought. i am thinking i will cancel my session with Austin-T this week (so i can avoid having a possible "final" session just before my exam, which would make me majorly upset) and i will try to see him next week (after exam) instead and clarify things then.

(((p7 & reflection))) - yes, i will try to be direct with Austin-tgp-T . thank you for reminding me reflection that not everyone kicks you in the guts if you show that you are vulnerable. P7 i will take you with me in my pocket, and you can karate chop Austin if he is a meany-poo. and i will do the same for you when you ask your T, too.

gosh, just want to say thank you all so much for sticking with me and trying to help me see clearly with this. i think the message is finally sinking in . i will try to talk to Austin-T directly, but i think it will be best if i do this next week rather than just before a big exam. i am hyper hyper hyper sensitive to rejection and have missed previous exams when i have thought old-T was rejecting me, so it's something i need to avoid right now, but something i will deal with in a week's time.

does this sound ok?

Deli,


Austin-T was out of line in a big way to ask you not to tell pdoc about his promotion. That made you a pawn between the two of them to serve Austin's personal interests. Major ethical foul.

You need to be straight-forward and forward with both T and pdoc. If you're not, you'll end up with regrets about missing out on opportunities to get clarification and closure. Get questions answered, get reality check.

Esp. with Austin.

\The situation sounds very confusing. Part of it rests with you, not just him. You need to speak up when you don't understand, are confused, bothered, etc. He sounds a bit scattered with all this stuff, but maybe you haven't been assertive enough, and clear enough, about your needs to understand and know. Sounds like he's shooting from the hip, but also the situation might be in flux with what he's going to do--it's many variables to juggle for him, hence with his patients, too.

I'm sure you realize this, but what he's up to probably has nothing to do with you personally--do you know what he's really up to with other patients? Have you talked to any? Are you assuming? Mind-reading is a cognitive distortion.

Your confusion and concern won't go away by avoiding talking to him about it now rather than waiting. Don't pass up the opportunity to talk about it, hence perhaps resolved, it sooner. If it's bothering you now, it still will in the run-up to your exam. Why don't you send a brief letter about the issues on your mind, the answers and info you want, etc.? That can make for a more productive session and perhaps some out-of-session correspondence with him beforehand. Let him know about your exam worries. Ditto with pdoc. Get on top of things; don't let them get on top of you.

after your exams sounds fine deli - good luck with them and good luck with Austin - take care P7

hurro impy!! i have been missing you and wondering where you had got to. i hope everything is going ok in your end of the world .


yes, i was a bit surprised that he asked me to do this, too. but i think he might have let it slip out without meaning to, and then he had to ask because it hadn't been announced at the hospital yet and he wasn't even meant to know he'd got it. so i understand why he asked, but it put me in a cruddy position. it wouldn't have been difficult if it weren't for the fact that it also meant he was shutting down his private practice. i.e., if it was just the fact that he was promoted, it wouldn't have been a big deal to me to keep the secret at all.

Quote:

\The situation sounds very confusing. Part of it rests with you, not just him. You need to speak up when you don't understand, are confused, bothered, etc. He sounds a bit scattered with all this stuff, but maybe you haven't been assertive enough, and clear enough, about your needs to understand and know. Sounds like he's shooting from the hip, but also the situation might be in flux with what he's going to do--it's many variables to juggle for him, hence with his patients, too.

yes. this could be right . he does sound scattered with his decisions, and i guess i am surprised because i have seen him as someone who is very in control of what he is doing. it is like when he spontaneously offered to see me weekly (even though he'd just said earlier that he could only see me one or twice a month) - i knew that was just him being a bit reactive to me looking confused/upset or something, so i didnt put too much store by it. i guess i just feel like i've missed my opportunity to tell him that i wanted to continue, because it sounds like the last time i saw him he had really made up his mind and become certain. so i dont know.

Quote:

I'm sure you realize this, but what he's up to probably has nothing to do with you personally--do you know what he's really up to with other patients? Have you talked to any? Are you assuming? Mind-reading is a cognitive distortion.

well originally he said he was stopping with everyone, although he would obviously want to catch up with his long-term clients just to see how they were going once in a while (this didnt include me). then the following week he said he was just cutting down to 3 days, so i assumed he was keeping everyone, because he mentioned being less available to everyone. so it's possible he either changed his mind again (and is back to cutting out everything) or he's continuing with 3 days (and is just cutting back certain clients). and yeah - i'm assuming it's the latter. i feel a bit weird for criticising him, but i dont think he handled this well at all if he changed his mind again. so i guess i was giving him the benefit of the doubt (and also feeding in to my insecurities) by assuming that the 3 days decision had stuck.

Quote:

Your confusion and concern won't go away by avoiding talking to him about it now rather than waiting. Don't pass up the opportunity to talk about it, hence perhaps resolved, it sooner. If it's bothering you now, it still will in the run-up to your exam. Why don't you send a brief letter about the issues on your mind, the answers and info you want, etc.? That can make for a more productive session and perhaps some out-of-session correspondence with him beforehand. Let him know about your exam worries. Ditto with pdoc. Get on top of things; don't let them get on top of you.

i understand what you're saying, but i know i will obsess about this either way. if i can delay our meeting until after exams, then i will just be uncertain. whereas if i meet with him this week, i will know 100% if he is keeping me on or not. i also know that either outcome will make me upset and insecure (he is either rejecting me, or he is keeping me on when he didnt want to and is now resenting me) so i think it's best to just avoid that until i have the time (after exams!) to obsess and worry my heart out til it's content.

i did just send pdoc a txt, however, asking for an earlier session this week. hopefully he can help me out of this obsessive loop, and (err... im cowardly) maybe bump into Austin-T and explain the situation also. to be honest, the only reason i havent cancelled/postponed my session with Austin-T already is because i dont want to explain why i'm cancelling/postponing. i know pdoc will talk to Austin-T about me anyway (regardless of whether i ask him not to), but to be honest, im quite content to let pdoc figure this one out for me.

it is going to break my heart even telling pdoc that i am a (tiny bit) sad about Austin-T leaving (heaven forbid that i actually admit how upset i really am ). im just no good with being vulnerable like that. but pdoc knows me and knows that "tiny bit" means "dying here", so he will understand. and he will either help me talk to Austin-T myself, or he will do it for me (as in, tell Austin-T what is going on, but expect me to still show up for an appt next week to discuss it in person with Austin-T), so it will be ok.

i know that is cowardly, but seriously - i am already an anxious mess even anticipating having to tell pdoc about this. it would have been different if i could have been all casual and told him, but because im asking for an earlier session, he will know exactly what it means. bugger him .

pdoc just called and said he has a spot free in just under 2hrs.

oh hell, means i need to get out of my pjs now . and dont have enough time to panic about what to say (probably a good thing, though). but ACK i need to get a move on.

wish me luck .

((((deli))))

Good luck!!!

(((((deli)))))

Good luck!

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To tell the truth, though, I suspect you're getting pretty good at making your own.

Good luck Deli, Good old Pdoc - gotta love him and you of course!

Good luck Deli

thank you, (((((rainbow, fool, P7 & indie))))).

i am so exhausted right now. it's funny how i've been so "up" the past few days (anxiety, i guess) and now that things are semi-solved (for the time being) i just feel so exhausted.

pdoc said he really doubted Austin-T was dumping me and i shouldn't worry about it. but pdoc doesn't know the whole story about the promotion, and i didnt tell him (not gonna break a promise), but i kept insisting that Austin-T really is not letting me back so pdoc said he would suss things out with Austin-T and report back on Friday (when i see pdoc next). he also agreed that it was a good idea to avoid this week's session if i was just going to obsess about it afterwards, but then i started worrying about how exactly to cancel (what time? what to say? do i want his voicemail or to talk to him in person? etc) and pdoc was like "holy moley, crazy girl, slow down!!". and he offered to cancel for me. and being the absolute coward that i am, i agreed to let him take over .

i also found time to stress about whether pdoc was leaving the hospital, or making a career change, or... something. and pdoc reassured me that he wasn't and i was stuck with him like rust.

this is the first time i've ever ever ever addressed abandonment issues with pdoc (we've been doing this recently, after i disclosed about the CSA), and i guess Austin-T leaving just made it into a mega flareup. i know i'm being hypersensitive and on the lookout for the slightest sign of retreat, but it's so painful to be honest about how deep an issue it is for me. it's taken me 4 years to even admit it was a problem, afterall.

anyway. shall update on friday!!! you can untwist your fingers now so long as they snap back together come friday morning. but i'm more relaxed about the outcome now, because it'll be pdoc doing the explaining, and i know he is very gentle.

eek! open your pocket I cant breathe lol !

I am soooooo glad you have pdoc - he sounds lovely and you deserve someone lovely - Im still available when you have to see Austin T but milk and cookies in the pocket please next time - ta very much

((((((deli)))))

glad to hear it went to well! you really are growing lots lately with all the hard work you're doing.

Deli, great!

I apologize for my poor choice of word in my other post. You are not a coward for being careful about what you bring up in therapy. We all do it--it's the nature of therapy to disclose and reveal ourselves in bits and pieces. My meaning was to say that in the sense that you have more control over it than you seemed to think. No T drives the process, we do. We shouldn't give up that power to our T's. I wanted to remind you of that.

No, it's not cowardly to be careful and to go at your own pace; to titrate the "dose" of therapy disclosure and revelation. It's normal.

((((((((((((((((((deli))))))))))))))))))

You did great. You talked about abandonment issues with p-doc - that is so big, and honest, and good. AND it sounds like you got an outcome you wanted- pdoc checking in with Austin-T about what is going on.

Hang on to the good things from your session. You are working hard

let us know how you go friday...

i have the flu, so i went to see my GP because with the meds i'm on i can't take the typical cold/flu meds available over the counter.

Austin-T messaged me and ask if i was coming to therapy today. maybe i got confused but i thought pdoc was going to email. so i sent a txt back saying i was really sorry, and i thouht pdoc was going to email and but i must've been confused and that i would pay the cancellation fee next week if he would pls tell me what it is.

he then writes back "don't worry about it. are you stopping now?".

i dont like crying in private but today i did a good job of letting everyone in the building know there was a crazy woman in the corner sobbing her stupid heart out.

i havent replied to Austin-T because i dont even know what to say. i dont want to stop, but it keeps feeling like he's pushing me to. i offered to pay the cancelation fee next week but he doesnt even want to see me for that .

im such a coward. im too scared to go to pdoc's tomorrow in case i see Austin-T while i'm waiting. to be 100% honest, i really want to self harm right now.

(((((((((((((((((((deli)))))))))))))))))))))

oh deli, i'm so sorry you're having such a rough time of it. i'm sure the stupid flu is making it all worse too. austin-t probably wasn't trying to push you away but just trying to find out where things were at with you. i do hope you can make it to pdoc's tomorrow. i think it will really help you. and please don't self harm. it's ok to be sad and upset about the situation. there's nothing wrong with that. take care sweetie.

deli, I don't see how this could possibly be just about Austin-T. The stuff that's going on with you and Austin-T has got to be bringing up some earlier incident (or string of incidents) for you, that you're now reacting to accordingly. You might even have helped "shape" the Austin-T thing a bit, for a closer resemblance to whatever triggering situation was up for you to work through.

It's something of a bummer that Austin-T is making his getaway without seeing you all the way through this but it doesn't sound to me like the end of the world -- or even of your therapy -- if you're willing to pick it up and run with it. Or walk with it. Or sit with it, for that matter.



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If it were me, I'd want to go on and work through it myself just to show ol' Austin-T.

(((Deliquesce))) dont SI ok - you dont need that to add to things -

maybe Austin T is feeling a bit insecure and thinks you want to stop so is giving you an easy out.

Test him back "I dont want to stop therapy with you" what do you have to lose - if he says no you are still in the same place - and if yes you will feel abit better - please try Deli - I know how hard it is really I do - but please try......

i know i'm being hypersensitive so sent a txt back asking what he was referring to when he asked if i was stopping. i thought i had been clear that i wanted to see him next week still, so maybe he meant my exam or something.

he just sent a txt back saying he was referring to therapy, and that he would wait for pdoc's email to explain.

so now im too scared to send him another txt, because it sounds like he doesnt even want to hear from me anymore. i know a conversation thru sms is ridiculous and that's why i didnt even want to call to cancel - i wanted to talk about this face to face.

i really cant do this, i feel so stupid. trusting people and being vulnerable with them doesnt just cause me anxiety, it is like physical pain. and here i am, unsurprisingly - again. fz, you are right - it's not just about Austin-T. it's about the 3 other psychologists i've seen before him, all of whom have left me also. dont have any more in me to keep trying. pdoc really had to coax me into trying with Austin-T (we had a 3 month long surveillance going just to get me used to the idea ) and now Austin-T doesnt want deli either and it's too much.

ok phoenix stamps foot and flares up a little more!!!

Stop! those wild horses that are running away with you - I know what that feels like - mind racing - abandnment issues racing through your head - wil you try and breathe deli - please take a moment and breathe ....

Idea 1
if you want to continue with T can you text him one more time and just say "I want to continue therapy with you" and see what happens? I know its a HUGE step - but it would put your mind at rest
advantage - you get an answer - disadvantage - it may not be the one you want

idea 2
wait and see what pdocs email says and f that sorts it out....... but this takes time
advantage - you dont have to do anything now - disadvantage - you ahve to wait and waiting ... well you know how that feels .

Idea 3
say to hell with them all Im going to forget this and go on with things i have to do and come back to it whan I see pdoc
advantage - nothing to do disadvantge - waiting again.

contact T or not know it is ok and T's promotion is not aobut you - even though it feels that way - I thought I made T angry - I got hit at work and he had said I should leave but I wont cos ii wont let anyonew drive me out - T wasnt angry it was just my reflection of my insecurity - maybe this is the same Deli, T's sometimes have no idea what we are thinking (thank heavens) like i said Austin may think you want to finish and is trying to make it easy for you - send me his number and i'll sort him out for you!

Deli Deli Deli, PLEASE take a breath and be kind to you ok

i know Austin-T's promotion is not about me. what is about me is him offering me more sessions in one week and then taking it back the next, even though he is continuing with other clients.

i was upset when i found out Austin T was leaving, but i kept being able to remind myself that he was leaving everyone, not just me. but now it is personal, because he's not leaving everyone. so he had to choose somehow, and deli is a good choice.

i am very, very tired. i think i have cried my flu out of my system . i just wish i wasnt a bad person. pdoc keeps telling me im a good person, but now im starting to think maybe he's a freak, because he's the only person who's ever stuck by me this long. i am grateful i still have pdoc, he says we're rusted together for life. he's a good person.

ow ow ow, I know. Dear Deli, I'm so sorry you hurt. Let pdoc be your guide - sees more clearly without emotion getting in the way clouding things. please get some rest OK?

Deli you are not a bad person or pdoc wouldnt be rsuted to you - Austin T needs sorting out and my offer is till open - pdoc isnt a freak - hes a kind generous human being and so are you my dear dear deli

I was not stamping my phoneix feathers at you - i am cranky with Austin T for upsetting you and not being clear about whats happening and basically being a bit of a richard head if you know what I mean!

Youare are not a bad person I like you - lots of other people here like you your puppies certainly like you - please be kinder to you ok - you deserve more - I hope things get sorted out with austin T soon - pdoc will sort it out for you -t ake care P7

Will sit in your pocket when you go to pdoc and keep you company - hang in there Deli - it will be ok - sitting with you tonight - have to sleep but casting a magic net around you to keep you safe tonight and pdoc will look after you tomorrow - give those puppies a hug for me - P7