Feelings about my session

I was wondering today if my T realizes what a major accomplishment the session on Thursday was. It was so effortless that I'm starting to doubt if I told her what I thought I did. Does it seem silly to call her for a reality check? I don't know if I told her that the obsessing was safe for me all of those years, but now it seems safe to love her. I feel like I love her without needing anything in return from her--that it's not transference, but my real feelings about her.

I want her to acknowledge that it's a MAJOR breakthrough for me, and be sure I did tell her all of that. I wish I could remember exactly what I said, but I can't! I also want to DO something, but there's nothing to do. Like I think my T and I should go out and celebrate or something! Just kidding.

Then there's the chance I'm imagining the whole thing, and it wasn't something major at all. Which is why I want to call her for a reality check.

I hope my feelings don't mean I'm still obsessing about her. I'm just trying to calm down about what I said during my session.

Please help me sort this out.

((((Rainbow)))) Tell me, how does she react when you tell her how much you love her? I mean, how has she reacted in the past?
Another question- you are calling for a reality check to be sure that SHE knows what you said or if you did say it b/c youre not sure you remember?

She did encourage you to call in between your 4 month sessions, so probably a reality check would be OK- and if its not OK I have a feeling from the sound of your t she will tell you.

Im remembering what you posted about the session and I think you did talk about what an accomplishment the session was. It was easy and not dramatic. Am I right?

Hey.....you could call and ask her out to lunch....Just kidding....

Congrats on what sounds like a great session!

She may not know, rainbow. What is major for you is for you to decide. Your T might not get that it was, but it doesn't make it not so. You are the one who knows what is major for you. Do you think it was a major breakthrough? If so, then yes, it was! Dance!

clk6: I NEVER told my T I love her. I would never have thought of saying those words to her. But it's kind of funny. I told her that I "obsessed" about her and that it felt like I was "addicted" to her. She knew I looked things up about her online, and that when I saw her around my community, I "watched" her kind of secretly. She knew I wished she could be my mother and that I was jealous of her daughter. She knew I kept the appointment cards she gave me each week. She knew I thought about her all of the time. But, I never could let myself use the word "love".

When I had a dream about love and telling it to my T, voices in the dream said "it's not a good thing". I did tell her that and she then told me that it is normal for clients to feel love for their Ts. But I was embarrassed by that conversation and never told her I loved her.

Actually, on the phone I once said "I think the baby stuff means I love you." She said "I hear you, but I have to start my day." I almost never forgave her for that response. It was about 8 a.m. I didn't really love her then; I just wanted her to love me. Someone I knew online sort of dared me to do it; my feelings weren't real anyway.

I think I want to go over it with her and be sure she knows what a major breakthrough I think it was, and see if she thinks it is too. After all, it took 6 years to get to this point--to stop obsessing and fantasizing about her--and to see her as a real person. It's more complicated than that--transference and so on. I know I told her, but I didn't realize it was a major thing until afterward, so that's what I want to tell her.

sunrise: Interesting what you say. It's just that I WANT so much for my T to acknowledge to me that she also thinks it's MAJOR. It's a better ending to my therapy than the way I ended last year.

> I feel like I love her without needing anything in return from her...

> I want her to acknowledge that it's a MAJOR breakthrough for me...

Do you see the tension?

(((((((((((((((((rainbow)))))))))))))))))))

Could you sit with it a while longer? I'm wondering if the urge to talk about it RIGHT NOW will settle down and you could talk to her about it at your next appointment. If the urge doesn't go away, you can always call her in a week, or two...

How do you think the phone call will make you feel? Do you think it would give you a sense of closure about the session....or give you something new that you need to contact her about (something that was said in the phone call, whether or not the phone call was really okay, etc.)? Sometimes when I call my T, it wraps up whatever I needed to tell him, sometimes it gives me something new that I need to discuss.

I'm wondering, not in a judgmental way, just truly curious...why do you need her to acknowledge that it is a breakthrough for you? Can YOU know and believe that it's a major breakthrough without confirmation from her? Will it change anything if she does/doesn't see it as a major breakthrough??

kim: I see it but still want to call her. I don't know what to do. I wrote just a couple of sentences to say, and ask if she agrees. You think calling is regressing, slipping back? I just want to hear her say she KNOWS how important the session was. That's all.

tree: But my next appointment is 4 months away! Who knows what may happen in that time? Sorry to be morbid but what if she dies and I am never sure she understood? I know I'm sounding crazy (maybe I'm not so recovered after all) but I would regret it I don't tell her, or ask her. I think it will give me closure, but of course you are right. Sometimes she says something that could make it "not all right" and that would detract from my good feelings.

Will it change anything if she doesn't know and if I don't have confirmation from her? I think you've actually hit one of my core issues. I FEEL like it will. I feel like I have to talk to her about it. I'm going to be depressed if I don't. I don't know how to make these decisions for myself. I shouldn't have needed to ask about it here, but maybe you and kim are right. I'm better off not calling, or holding off. You see the truth whereas I don't.

I don't think that's true, Rainbow. I think I just saw things that made me curious. I don't know the answers...just struck me as things to think about, that's all.

I know that there is no right or wrong answer, Tree. I'm just so unsure of myself and I do agree with you and kim. I'm just not "there" yet and it's punishing myself if I don't call. You know how it is because you call right after a session. I am going to try to wait a few days, though because something is going on in T's life that I know about so I can call after that, and say "congratulations" at the same time. She knows I know about it, so it will be okay to call for that.

Will it change anything if she doesn't know and if I don't have confirmation from her? I think you've actually hit one of my core issues. I FEEL like it will. I feel like I have to talk to her about it. I'm going to be depressed if I don't. I don't know how to make these decisions for myself. I shouldn't have needed to ask about it here, but maybe you and kim are right. I'm better off not calling, or holding off. You see the truth whereas I don't.

Rainbow Maybe holding off even for a week might give you a different/better perspective. Or it might make the urge to call stronger. If you call, then it might be a good idea to note what it does for you. To get that acknowledgement/confirmation from her.

You've been in therapy a long time....without the phone call, where does the depression and sadness come from? And if she says someting that doesnt make it better...or gives you something else to think about and call again about.....you know all of this. You have it within you and I know there are other beautiful things in your life you can put all of that love into. With or without the phone call.

What do you think? You got some great direction/responses here.

It's true, I do call right after session. That is something that my T and I set up a long time ago. It's part of how my therapy works right now. Other than that pre-planned call though, it's a much harder decision as to whether or not to call about something...because sometimes that makes it better and sometimes that makes it worse.

You know yourself, and whether or not phone calls make you feel better. If you know they make you feel better, and this call will give you closure, then what are the reasons to NOT call? Sometimes a pro/con list helps me.

clk6: What do I think? That you guys on PC ought to be Ts! I'm not kidding. It's a little thing, but maybe it will make me stronger not to call.
The tears are coming, though. The urge to call is not about obsessing, but about wanting validation that I did something wonderful. I always want praise for what I do. I've discussed that in therapy too. I shouldn't need it but when I write poems, for example, I want people to praise them. I think this issue is bigger than the "love" issue even.

It's like the riddle: If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one around to hear it, does it still make a sound? If I succeed at something and no one knows about it, did I still do it? Of course I did. In the case of my T, I still look to her for approval, like a parent telling me I did good. I KNOW I did good. Why isn't that enough???? This is painful, but I so appreciate the honest feedback.

Are you talking about me?!

oh, tree!! I didn't even think about the connection to you. If you fell in the forest, all of PC and your T would be there to hear you and to pick you up!

Imagine your relationship with your T as a journey that you've been taking. At the end of the path there is a destination that you aim to reach. It's a long walk and you've worked very hard in your travels. You're moving forward, little steps at a time, but you ARE getting to the place you want to be in. Maybe one day you might take a half of a step backward, but inevitably once again you'll find yourself another step ahead.

The point being that you're doing wonderfully, Rainbow. You've come a long way. Try to be patient and gentle with yourself. Believe in your ability to find the way.

Ideally, it would be wonderful for you to be satisfied from within with the progress that you've made. But maybe a little comfort and support from your T is okay to accept too. Some part of me suspects that your therapist is already aware of your steps forward in this, but I can understand that you want to hear it from her. Try to be proud of yourself. You've done good work.

Thank you Bether. You summarized my situation accurately. I know that my T was pleased with me during my session, but I somehow blocked out what she said after I talked about loving her rather than obsessing. She mentioned my first T too, but I don't remember what she said. She knows me for 6 years, so there is no way she wouldn't realize the importance of the session. It's just that she didn't SAY it. The session just went so smoothly; if I would have had trouble telling her, we would both have acknowledged it more. Yes, I AM proud of myself. I'm going to try to hold on to those feelings and play it by ear as far as calling. I won't consider myself to be a failure if I call, though.

(((((((((((((((Rainbow!)))))))))))))))))))

I'm glad to hear you say you are proud of yourself And it sounds like you're in a good place with the call.... Go, you

I hearby validate that you did something wonderful! Maybe we on PC can provide a little validation for you....

One of the most memorable things my T ever said to me was at our very first session, when he said, "only you know what you need to heal." That was very empowering to me, and has driven my will to look for and listen to my inner voice. And it immediately assigned T a role as follower rather than leader, which was also very empowering (he trusts me to do this?!). I think a corollary to what he said might be, "only you know when you have healed." If this is a triumph for you, rainbow, then you are the one who knows that best. Believe your own feelings on this. If you think you did wonderfully and this was a huge breakthrough, then it was!

I second what treehouse said--it is great to read that you are proud of yourself.

Hi Rainbow,

Your feelings of wanting validation from your t are normal. We all want validation. But if "not" getting the validation causes you so much pain, it makes you cry, it sounds like this is a very good opportunity to self-reflect about the reason why not getting it is so painful for you. Are you able to give yourself the validation that you've made a great breakthrough? Can you feel warm and proud of yourself internally? Or does that good feeling only come if somebody else notices your accomplishment and validates it? Is this a pattern in your life? It's actually good grist-for-the-mill to talk about in therapy with your t -- but i know you won't see her for another few months. This would be a really good time to practice self-validation and see if you can bring up inside yourself the same good feeling that you get when somebody else praises you.

About calling her -- you might hold off from calling her for a couple of days to see if the urge goes away. But if you continue feeling like you need to call her, i'd hate to see you force yourself to go without.

I just want to say that I DID NOT call my T yet, and I'm doing all right without it. Much of the reason is that I am very busy with work and that has been a major distraction. I've always been able to distract myself from my T when I get very involved with something else.

Peaches, you asked me some excellent questions. I'm noticing that I do feel good about some of my accomplishments, and I still have a warm, happy feeling about my session.