Speechless

She cancelled. I am speechless. I had a 10 am appointment and she called me at 10 to 10 (9:50!) to tell me she had a flat tire and couldnt make it. It was probaby b/c this last t cancelled too that I panicked. I said please, is there anyway I can see you a little later? She said she is booked until 9. She sounded very apologetic and said she was at the garage and was so sorry. I tried so hard not to cry. I told her I put my daughter inschool for the day and cancelled other appts. I was on my way there. I was begging her. She was sorry. I said OK, I understand and hung up. I felt hurt, very angry and wanted to cry but no tears came. I was partially numb and partially suicidal. I thought this is REALLY and truly NOT meant to be. I should cancel all of these interviews. F**k therapy and f**k therapists. I was feeling like the world just hates me. Nothing seems to work out and I am creating my own problems.

I pulled into the back of a home depot parking lot and started to cry. Then, I got a call from my daughters high scholl principal for a meeting I have been waiting to have with him. I said "can I come now?" and he said "sure." So, with my cry-face I met with the principal. The meeting went very well. As I was walking out of the shcool, my t calls! I was wondering why she wasnt all concerned about me cancelling appts.

The call was awful for me. She was cold and tough (IMO), she said, "(my name), are you coming in next week because I cant hold open 2 appts each week for you? Maybe you want to take a break or something b/c I cant hold these appointments." I said I didnt know. She said well, you have to decide. I dont want to make the decision for you. Then she said how are you doing? I said sometimes good sometimes not so good, she said, "Well, I know you have been ambivilent (spelling?) so I want you to decide- are you still on the medication?" (I never said I was ambivilent)I said I was taking 20 mg. She said good. I asked her what she thought- if I should take a break. I wasnt really looking for her opinion, I was looking for somekind of caring, some kind of sign that she felt warmly toward me and was concerned about specifics that I am going through. I guess I was testing her. But I already knew. Its not that I dont think she cares at all. I just dont think she cares in the way I need her to care. I didnt want to hear a phone call about appointments and her schedule. It hurt me that she called about that. Words cant express how deeply it hurts. She iacts like my mother did and the feeling I had with my family all over again. She is a major trigger for me. I wanted to hear that she had some kind of concern for me. I feel deeply, deeply hurt and sad. And I just feel it, no SI, no sui. Just feelings. And it hurts like hell.

Even this t today- it is painful and she has no idea who I am and her car had a flat tire. It couldnt have been avoided. But I feel devastated. No one cares and no one ever cared. My t never really cared, she was never the t I wanted her to be for me.

Maybe she is reading this board. How would I know if she was? I must be pretty recognizable. Does anybody ever think their t's might read the boards? Whatever. I only say how I feel. And I feel lousy right now. I have no therapist and my t-hopefuls keep cancelling on me. Lonely.

OMG, Moon. I am SO SORRY

I know it's REALLY hard not to read some kind of big message into this...that the universe doesn't want you to find a new therapist, or whatever...but it truly, truly sounds like it was just horrible luck today with the T's tire. I'm glad she was so concerned and apologetic. I'm sure she wishes she could have fit you in today.

AND, maybe the universe was worried you would read a message into the cancellation, and that's why your T called. I don't know what your T's policy is, but most T's have a policy that you can cancel up until 24 hours before your appointment. **** her schedule!!!!! She is sooooo self-centered, worrying only about her schedule and not about you. Ugh, I'm sorry, blue moon

Don't worry about your T reading on this board. I am sure T's are too busy to read here...not to mention that your T is doing her nails DURING YOUR APPOINTMENT...I really doubt she spends any of her free time thinking about therapy.

Will you call the T who canceled today and try again?? Don't give up.

I know you feel like no one cares, but I really DO care. You will get through this

(Bluemoon) sorry, thats hard.

Sorry

I don't think you should give up though - it was just bad luck
I think you should make another appointment with the new therapist - I'm sure it'll be fine next time

Awww, I'm so sorry, BlueMoon!

Yeah, the timing of this all sucks, but at least you were able to get that appointment in with your daughter's principal. And then, like Tree said, this allowed time for your current T to call. I swear, the way she talks to you - I don't like it! I understand and respect that T's have schedules for a reason, but it's also a business where changes happen all the time in scheduling. My T asks that I let her know a week in advance if I need to reschedule, but I've called her 4 days in advance, and she was so supportive and told me not to worry about it at all - that's how a T should react! What is your current T's cancellation policy? If your current T has other patients who want those slots, and you continue to cancel them week after week, I agree that it's best to tell her by next week that you want to take a break. But she should at least hold those for you for next week, it's different if you did this every week - but this is the first week you've canceled like this, right?

Definitely give this T another try. But who knows, maybe you will interview the next T on your list and click with her, and then you won't even have to reschedule with the flat-tire T.

Don't give up! And be good to yourself today, you are worth it!

(((((((((((((((Moon)))))))))))))

I'm so sorry... I completely, 100% empathize with what you are saying.

Sending lots of hugs and support your way...

(((((Bluemoon)))))

I'm sorry the t had to cancel. I know it feels awful to be all prepared for something and then have it fall through. Please don't take it as any sort of "sign." It was just one of those unforeseen occurrences. I would definitely encourage you to reschedule with that t. It sounds like your current t is probably not the right fit for you.

PS - What did your t say when you asked her if she thought you should take a break?

(((Bluemoon)))

I just want to say you are doing an amazing job. I know it probably doesn't feel like it right now, but you are. Just the fact that you could go meet with the principal after such a difficult morning tells me you are one strong person.

You absolutely deserve to have a T who treats you with respect and love and caring. I hope the new T calls you back this afternoon and has another time for you.

Hang in there...you are doing a really good job handling a very difficult day.

Gosh, that sounds like a horrible horrible day. And your T calling without really caring about how you are? Just shows you are doing the right thing in leaving her. She really should leave things open with so your dont feel totally alone. She know you are looking for a new T- I would want my T to stay with me and support me until I had found someone else. I would want her to leave things open- to let me know that she understands you are not sure what you want but that she wants to to contact her if you feel you would like to see her again. She does seem very cold.

I agree with the others- the other T cancelling is just really really bad timing. BUt I would not give up on her. You say she sounded really sorry- I think that in itself is a good sign. She would have known that you would be anxious beforehand being the first appoitment with her, so if she could have avoided it she really would have. And you liked the sound of her when you called her, so dont give up on this one. You never know, she might turn out to be the therapist you have been looking for.

Sorry it was such a horrible day but I dont think you should give up on therapy

Hi BlueMoon: So sorry to hear about another T cancelling. Stay strong. I agree with everyone else; don't take it as a sign. Anyone can have a flat tire and she sounded nice so don't write her off yet. As for your current T, my two cents on that issue hasn't changed for what it's worth. Take care.

BM, this is progress. To feel your feelings without needing to SI or be sui, this is healthy. I am sorry that you have these feelings though but they need to come out. They are probably more from the past than the present?

I am really sorry that she cancelled but I agree with the others on what they said about this. And I also agree with Owl that being able to have a good meeting with the principal afterwards was really good!

I don't think your T reads your posts here either. You are anonymous here.

I care about you a lot too so you can put me in that column!

Sorry Moon I can see how both these interactions can feed into the "no one ever seems to care" loop. It is soooo hard not to let yourself go there. All I can say is the Universe is NOT out to get you, even when it really seems like it sometimes. Maybe for now you can just look at the situation with the new T and her flat tire as just simply a bad day for both of you. Like you said she doesn't know you yet so she has not hidden intent for canceling. As for the other T and her interaction with you, just consider it as another sign that you should be looking for someone to work with.

Bluemoon,
I am sorry this happened twice, I like what chaotic said. It was just a bad day for both of you and she doesn't know you so there can be no judgmental thought on her part. I like that she was very appologetic as well. I would definately give her another try.

As to your other T I am saddened that she called you worrying about her time rather than checking in to see how you are doing.

Hang in there ok, you will meet with one of these new ones soon!

(((((((Bluemoon)))))) Keep hanging in there!

OMG Thanks so much for all of the replies and hugs and support. I feel so amazing from all of your caring for me.

The update is: The flat tire t left a message for me. SHe was very apologetic again and said she felt badly about any inconvenience it caused me. She actually cared about me. She doesnt even know me. She moved other pts around and can see me either tues at 9 or thurs at 10. Thurs would have been perfect except I have a meeting with teachers for my 5 yo. at that time. Tues I had an appt with the vacationing t. I happen to run into my friend who referred me to the flat-tire t and I told her the story (she knew about the reiki-t cancelling, too). She thought I should give her another chance b/c in all her years seeing her she never cancelled. I thought Id cancel the vacatoning t's tues appt but the vacationing t called me to cancel!!! We set up an appt for next monday (I will call today to cancel my current t appt for monday). So...I left 2 messages for flat-tire t that tues is good but I havent heard form her yet. I feel better. And when I came home and saw all the replies it made me feel so much better, too.

I have this sad, nagging feeling inside of me. I think it is sadness and disappointment at my t. How can she be so indifferent? Id like to think she wasnt completely indifferent, but she seemed angry at me. There was a lot of silence on the phone, I was next expecting her to say, come on, moon, grow up! Are you coming in or not? That was the tone and I know her, that is her attitude toward me. When I asked her what did she think if I should take a break or not, she said, "I want you to make that decision." She didnt seem like she cared either way. She said, "either you can come in once a week or you can take a break, but whatever you decide please let US know by wednesday." She said this maybe 2 or 3 times and each time she used the word US I felt like she had never really had the kind of relationship with me that I wanted. The only "us" would be her and her secretaries." So....she wants me to talk aobut it with the secretary. My taking a break is purely a scheduling issue. That "us" really hurt. I Feel much better when I get angry about it. And then when I sit quiet I am sad and hurt and its all past feelings. And I feel a lot of pain. It helps the pain to type it out here and know you all will read it. You understand me and Im not sitting alone with my very sad feelings. I am hurt b/c I wasted a lot of time with this t and I did it b/c of how I was treated as a child. I take crumbs and call it caring and love. But I listened very differently to my t when she was talking and her tone made my heart sink b/c I witnessed in real time what I was afraid of all along. I felt so disappointed in her.

OK- I'll stop rambling now.....your responses made so much differnece to me this afternoon. I cant even express it in words. Thank you is not enough.....

She just called (flat tire t). She apologized again and we are on for tomorrow at 9 am. I told her I freaked out at first but Im OK now (she said she felt badly about it). She sounded happy about that. I like her.......I hope I like her at 9 also.......

Blue - She really sounds okay. I, too, hope you like her at 9 am. I like the fact that she moved her other clients around to meet with you. Please keep us posted how your meeting goes. I totally understand about being disappointed with your current T and her non-chalance about whether you continue (or how you will cope without her). Don't feel like you wasted your time tho'. Think of all that you learned from her, both good and bad. Learning what you want from a T is worth a lot.

Maybe someday you will be able to laugh about your quest to find a T with your friends (or with this T in the future). Not to be flippant, but this could totally be an episode of Seinfeld.

BlueMoon,
I'm glad the flat tire t was able to work you into her schedule this week. To me this says a lot about how she views her clients in general. You want a T that appreciates how scheduling problems affect stress out people. I'm not sure how comfortable you are with jumping right into issues with this new t. But you might want to fill her in on how you tend to perceive appointment cancellations and the feeling your having about trusting that people care about you. You might not at this point provide a lot of details but maybe at least say, "Wow, I was really glad that you called me back and were able to fit me in this week. I've had a lot of people cancel appointments on me lately and I'm starting to think......" This will at the very least let her know that consistency is a big thing for you at the moment.

The only reason I say this is because I had a lot of trust issues to work through with my T that I don't think she ever really picked up on until WELL into my therapy. Once they finally surfaced, my T seem to deal with me differently--in a good way.

I hope everything goes well with your flat tire t. The other one doesn't seem to understand that she is feeding your mental noise and not helping you address it.

(((((((((((Bluemoon))))))))))))

*hugs*

sounds like a real rollercoaster of a day, blue! im glad you are feeling so much better and i will keep my fingers crossed tomorrow that all goes well with flat tire lady and you feel great about her.

good luck!

((((((((((((blue)))))))))))

what a morning you've had! i'm soooooo glad flat tire-t (these names are cracking me up) has rescheduled you for tomorrow. i know how easy it is to get so despondent when things fall apart. it's really hard to keep going but i've learned that when i do things usually work out fine. it's just those bumps throw us all off and we freak out and want to crawl back into bed and not deal with life at all. i am slowly learning this and the freak out is no fun but as i keep moving forward hopefully they will lesson. anyway, i'm excited for you for tomorrow morning. i think the fact that she was so concerned and fit you in is great. she sounds very caring and i'm sure was really sorry. oh, your current t sounds like a big poop in the sky! sorry, but she seems downright abusive to me. is she really old? for some reason i keep thinking she must be but then my t is old so that is no excuse. take care sweetie. you are going to find a great t!

LOLOL ..

Blue, so glad that you have an appt. with flat tire T tomorrow morning - I hope it goes really well! I already like her better than your current T!

oh i forgot to say, blue please don't take every thing that happens as a sign. that will surely make your head spin off its axis!