I saw T yesterday. I've been really really switchy in session ever since we started talking about integration. It's like just talking about it has stirred everything up, and it sucks, and I HATE IT.

I "lost" most of my session to another part. It was my last session before T's vacation. I wanted MORE THAN ANYTHING to stay present, and grown up, and to connect with T before he left. I hate how things are going right now. I'm sure it's part of the "process" but I don't understand what the process IS and when I ask T about it, he says "you're doing it".

Now T is going to be gone, and I'm going to be left with this sad, sad, sad feeling. He'll be back next Thursday and I see him then, and won't have any way to contact him in the middle. I don't want to FEEL like this.

Ugh, I feel overwhelmed and sad and crazy and alone and confused

So sorry, Tree! I hope you feel better long before next Thursday. Take good care of yourself!

[jexa]

T vacations are hard! I know how you feel, my T is gone until next Saturday and it's going to be rough. I'm sorry that you feel so sad and confused. I don't know what else to say except you're not alone!

[Melbadaze]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I "lost" most of my session to another part. It was my last session before T's vacation. I wanted MORE THAN ANYTHING to stay present, and grown up, and to connect with T before he left.

Perhaps its not the adult that needed T today? Perhaps its the child part that needed to be with him and it did that.

vacations...what more can possibly be said?

integration....well can i throw my $0.02 in? i'm not working towards it...i've always felt that i am happy the way i am...my happy little sysytem works okay for me...its fairly manageable and i am comfortable with it. i don't want to lose all of my parts...i enjoy the child like happiness of mikey, my child-like peep, and some of the other peeps and their roles.

so am instead working on being able to react and handle things as an adult today..in a safe manner. i can still use the peeps if i need to but maybe they won't have to be a first response. they aren't being told to go away and i'm still nuturing them...hey they have been around for a long time...

i imagine that at some point perhaps i won't need them and l maybe just fade (egads) away on their own and that will be gentle and okay...some of them have already done that.

my t has been really good about listening to my ideas about this. she immediately went to the "all peeps must die" line but i told her thats not what i want. i like the wonder, joy and happiness of mikey, the intellect and wisdom of another, and so one...(and yes i realize thatthey are all within me...for those not DID). she has let me guide the process because after all it is my system.

so tree maybe you could suggest something or some other type of arrangement with your t...that isn't so stressful. it's scary to be different from what is familiar but in some ways what i have to remember that this process was born out of hell to protect me so changing it may not necessarily be a bad thing.

we're here for ya tree...ya need ya ask.

stumpy & da peeps (or maybe the peepettes) sounds like a bad band

Stumpy...

maybe i need to use the time while T is gone to think about the whole integration vs. non-integration thing. i really THOUGHT that what i wanted was integration...i think in reality what i want is for this never to have happened...to have not been in circumstances that forced me to create this "system". maybe I CAN just kind of co-exist with them. i guess what got me thinking so much about integration was (and is) the frustration of losing so much time. it scares me - and i feel like i won't remember my kids' childhoods. i guess if there was some way i could let all of the parts just kind of be "there" but not lose time, that would be okay...i just don't know how to get there from here, or if it's even possible

[Confused_1982]

((((((((((((((((((((Tree))))))))))))))))))

I know how lonely, empty and confused I feel when T is (literally) unreachable, and when we have been working on something difficult and he goes away right in the middle, I dont how I am going to get through it. Sometimes I honestly dont know how I get through the days, and to think any further than the end of the day just fills me with fear and intense sadness. It makes me feel completely alone, and nothing seems to help. I havent done any integration work with T, but I do understand how you are feeling without him being there.

I am so sorry you are feeling like this

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by treehouse

maybe i need to use the time while T is gone to think about the whole integration vs. non-integration thing.... maybe I CAN just kind of co-exist with them.... i guess if there was some way i could let all of the parts just kind of be "there" but not lose time, that would be okay...

I think that sounds like a great goal. "Integration vs. Non-integration" sounds so absolute or black and white, like there are no in between solutions. Treehouse, does your T think there are only those two options? Maybe he has some interesting intermediate solutions, and maybe you have some ideas too, and you could put your heads together and come up with a less absolutist goal. Would there be a way to work toward co-consciousness with your alters so that they still exist but you are aware of what they are thinking, you can communicate with one another, so that you don't lose time? (Technically, I don't know how you would move toward that situation. Perhaps by inviting the alters to exist with you in that manner?) And maybe your T could help you all get along and work together towards common goals. I know alters are not the same as ego states, so this may not apply, but one thing my T had me do with my protector ego state (an adult male), was work with him to come up with alternative ideas for what he could do to help me. Some of his protective efforts, in current day, were kind of messing things up for me. But he was terrified that if I no longer needed that protection, that he would cease to exist. So T helped me work with him to redefine his role, so that he would still feel I needed him, and he could be useful. I know it sounds wacky....

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by stumpy

stumpy & da peeps (or maybe the peepettes) sounds like a bad band

Pipettes?

[pachyderm]

Integration? How about just letting it happen, if it does?

[Melbadaze]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

Integration? How about just letting it happen, if it does?

EXACTLY!, Its seems talking about DID is the new black.

[BlueMoon6]

Oh, Tree! It is so difficult to be left with all of this until next thursday You have all of us and you have your h and kids and RL friends I know its not the same thing as t but it IS what you have for now. Please post a lot. I know how frustrating an answer is when you dont understand the answer. Maybe t says your doing it b/c your alters are talking to him very freely? Does t say what is going on when you are not aware of it? Orwhat you are doing that is "it"?

This new t (flat tire t) said something to me about integration. As I processed all of the things that she said about trauma it made sense that I would be more aware and be able to stay present more and not need this way to cope (even if there is no reason to disappear). But I felt instantly like "disappearing" works for me and I dont want to be present and aware all the time. I never worked with anyone who dealt with trauma and understood what my experiences were, so no one ever suggested to me that this is a way of coping on a daily basis. And now she is suggesting I should integrate and be aware. I dont know if its what I can do. I cant imagine it. I have been this way for as long as I can remember. I feel like I am going to be turned inside out. Even writing in a journal about my expereinces is scary. Just doing that makes me more aware. It scares me to be more aware.

What she talked to me about was "grounding techniques" so that I would be able to cope after the session. I dont know what that entails, but I am hoping it helps me feel like I can go through my day after a session.

I guess what Im trying to say is that it is all scary. But it seems scarier to have these periods of time that I cannot be present for my life. And I know you want to be present in your sessions with t. Maybe like Sunrise said, it doesnt have to be integrate or not integrate. I dont understand a lot about it, but I know how it all makes me feel. There were times during the session with ft t that I know her mouth was moving and she was saying something, but I didnt understand a word and she seemed far. I was in and out at times and I missed some. I dont want to and I think you dont want to live this way. That is why we are getting help from our t's. I say, believe him when he says you are doing it, but ask him in what way are you doing it? Im sorry you have to wait until thursday. Im here for you Tree...I love you

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

EXACTLY!, Its seems talking about DID is the new black.

?????????????????????

[BlueMoon6]

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

EXACTLY!, Its seems talking about DID is the new black.

???????????????

[Sannah]

I agree with Pachy T. Go step by step and don't get the cart in front of the horse. If you have anxiety, I know how difficult it is to not rush to the punch line .............

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I saw T yesterday. I've been really really switchy in session ever since we started talking about integration. It's like just talking about it has stirred everything up, and it sucks, and I HATE IT.

I "lost" most of my session to another part. It was my last session before T's vacation. I wanted MORE THAN ANYTHING to stay present, and grown up, and to connect with T before he left. I hate how things are going right now. I'm sure it's part of the "process" but I don't understand what the process IS and when I ask T about it, he says "you're doing it".

Now T is going to be gone, and I'm going to be left with this sad, sad, sad feeling. He'll be back next Thursday and I see him then, and won't have any way to contact him in the middle. I don't want to FEEL like this.

Ugh, I feel overwhelmed and sad and crazy and alone and confused

Treehouse -there is no iron clad process for integration. Everyone I have talked to that has integrated did so in different ways. some it just happened one day they were sparated and the next everyone was merged, melted, integrated into each other. others they underwent deep self hypnoisis where they imagined telling their alters ok this is it its time for us to all be one now, and others underwent hospitalization in facilities that deal directly with DID were medicated into a deep hypnotic state where the psychiatrist gave them the post hypnotic suggestions of imaging what their alters would look like, imagining meeting with them and imagining both you and the alter melting together as one. In another thread I explained to you how it happened for me.

if you want integration to happen it will happen whether or not you try to force it to happen and whether or not you keep searching for that magic wand to wave to make it happen. and whether or not people keep telling you to do it or not do it.

If you dont want it to happen no matter what therapy approach you and your therapist try, no matter what anyone tells you to do or not to do it will not happen.

"the Process" is different for everyone but there are some sumularities in everyone I talked to. We all went to therapy, In therapy we all talked with their therapists to work on our problems and as the problems were cleared up it happened.

I didnt know there was such a thing as integration until it already started to happen so I didnt have the stress that you have about trying to find a magic process to doing it.

maybe thats what you can try. pretend like you know nothing about integration, pretned you dont have to choose to integrate or not. pretend the word integration doesnt even exst. focus instead on what you have right now worry about later, later. You have you and you have your alter and you have your problems. take each problem and alter one by one,

find out what the problems are for you and just one alter and work with your therapist on ways to solve those right now problems. as each of the problems get cleared up and you learn more about you and that alter then you, your therapsit and that alter can decide if you and that one alter wants to be a team working as a whole and how you and the alter want to bring the two of you together and what you and the alter needs to do to symbolize the union of the two of you. then nove one to the next alter.

maybe too whats making integration and making the decision so hard for you is because maybe you have some alters that want integration and some that dont so you are feeling some of their indecision too. maybe by taking it one alter at a time the alters will understand that those that want to integrate can and those that dont dont have to. That might take the stress of the whole topic off of you and all the alters too.

Originally Posted by amandalouise

maybe thats what you can try. pretend like you know nothing about integration, pretned you dont have to choose to integrate or not. pretend the word integration doesnt even exst.

This is actually what I've kind of decided to do. I told my T that neither of us are allowed to say the word "integration" right now. We're going to trust the process...trusting the process has worked up until now, and there's no reason to think it won't keep working.

[Kiya]

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

EXACTLY!, Its seems talking about DID is the new black.

not sure i understand... but wanting to clarify - "the new black" as in "what is now popular"?

Just incase....
DID isn't "Popular" - it is a pain in the *** to live with. People who have it are not born with it - they learn over time when their current coping skills stop working (this is the pain in the *** part), otherwise they don't know they "have it".

For those people who believe "people say they are DID and are not", or for those "pretending" to have DID who do not have the dx (and please know i am not making any judgements or assumptions here) there needs to be an understanding that there is still really something wrong for those individuals needing the "undiagnosed DID dx", if that is what it is.
Neither of which is the case with Tree (and is really no one's business).

and if i am not reading this right, then please disregard.
I do not want to take away from Tree's post.
Sincerely,
Kiya

(((((((((((((((Treehouse)))))))))))))))))

I don't know much about integration but I do know what it feels like when we need our T and they aren't there for whatever reason.
Take care tree