[jacq10]

Since last semester ended.... and then I bumped into her today. Let me give you a little bit of a precursor here.

-- insert financial school rant (I swear its relevant)

At my University they reserve jobs for indiv's who need academic assistance, but in order to be eligible to apply you need to complete this assessment of needs form. So I did all that, and a week later I got an email telling me I wasn't approved and that if I had any questions I should make an appointment with a financial aid counsellor.

So today I show up there, and the women ends up telling me that I filled out my application wrong because I crossed off the spot for parental support. She told me based on my parents saleries I should be receiving X amt of money for them, and when I told her I didn't receive any, she proceeded to go on about how we needed to prove that etc etc.

So basically I was told that although I need the money, technically my parents can "afford" to help me, and as a result I am not eligible to work this semester and help pay my way through school....

(end of financial rant)

Anyhow I was so extremely angry and frustrated that (though much resistance) my eyes started watering up.... apparently thats my body's way of dealing with stress.

So once I finally left the office, I found a quiet washroom and, well... let me body deal with this stress. ugh!

I then wandered up to the Employment counselling office (which happens to be next to the counselling services office) and I more or less ended up stumbling in there to make an appt with my T.

But while I was waiting in line, my T walks out, goes to another room behind the main desk, and then comes out to greet me.

I was so overwhelmed I don't even know what to say. She made small talk asking how much summer was, and commenting on my tan, but the whole time all I could think of was "holy crap my T is standing right here in front of me, and I feel like ****, but I'm happy to see her, but I don't want her to see me feeling like ****, wtf!" (pardon my french....)

So I now have an appt booked for tomorrow morning... I am having so many feelings right now. I'm really (obviously) looking forward to it but I have no idea where to start, and I'm just feeling so many mixed feelings from a variety of events and .. ahhhh *smacks forehead*

Anyhow, I just needed to tell SOMEONE because I have no one else to tell.

Thanks for listening if you got this far...
Jacq

[ECHOES]

Jacq, i'm sorry about the financial issues and I hope someone can help you with that.

As for T, how wonderful to see her! And about where to start... begin where you are.

Yay, so glad you got in to see your T, and tomorrow morning even! I'm sure it will be a great session.

[peaches100]

Jacq10,

That would be hard to deal with! You were already upset because of the application stuff, and then taken off guard by running into t. No wonder you were full of feelings! I hope your appointment this morning goes really well!

[jacq10]

Thanks guys... had my appt this morning and it went really well

We were able to get right back into things and really discuss what is presently bothering me.... heck I even found out something new about myself and really, who doesn't like that?!

Best thing was... I wasn't all awkward when talking, and i even allowed myself to cry a little bit when the conversation got tough (I NEVER cry in T)... so it actually felt really good to be that comfortable and gentle with myself enough for me to really express the turmoil inside.



T

Woohoo - good for you, jacq!!!

[BlueMoon6]

Wow Jacq- Sorry Im late to your thread. 4 months is a really really long time! Running into your t in another context after all that time is stressful enough and to be feeling the way you did and making small talk is very brave and strong!

Its amazing that you were able to get back into things and feel safe and comfortable. WOW!

[sunrise]

That sounds like a really sweet reunion. Had you intended to see your T again or was it just happenstance--you ran into her yesterday and so decided to schedule an appointment? It sounds like you trust her a lot. All good!

Sorry about the finances.... Sometimes it seems so unfair.

I'm glad you had such a good session back after the long break

[jacq10]

wow, however happy I was yesterday I feel the exact opposite today

Not because of anything T did or didn't do, I just feel so vulnerable right now. I emailed T and asked her if we could arrange some sort of support in-between sessions... but who knows what she'll say.

The last think I want right now is to become this annoying needy/clingy person that she comes to dread talking to....

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by jacq10

The last think I want right now is to become this annoying needy/clingy person that she comes to dread talking to....

(((((((Jacq)))))))

What I understand you to be saying is that if a person acted in certain ways, you'd expect to find them needy, clingy, annoying, and a problem for you. Meanwhile you're also expecting that if you were to act in similar ways, your T would find you needy, clingy, annoying, and a problem -- so you're taking care not to be caught acting in anything like those ways.

Could you be overlooking a difference in perspectives, though? It seems to me not only possible but highly likely that your T would experience an appearance of "neediness" on your part quite differently from how you'd experience a similar appearance of neediness on someone else's.

You may have very good reasons for not wanting to be seen (or to see yourself) acting needy, but it doesn't follow that your T would have any of those reasons in common with you. If anything, I'd expect her to be in the business of relieving you of those reasons.

Or am I belaboring the obvious here?

[Kiya]

Jacq - ok on the financial thing, my friend went through that too, where she's not going to get a dime from her parents because they are mad at her for going to college (being "better" than her parents) and they won't give any info because they are terrified of the govt (live in fears more than in reality). So she was also denied at first because of that and had to jup through all these hoops to say "no my parents are essetially estranged from me because of my choice to go to college." Long story short - there have to be more options..... hope you can find them!!!

((((((((((((((((Jacq)))))))))))))))))))

[jacq10]

(((FZ)))): The reason I said I don't want to become clingy etc isn't because I necessarily would perceive this sort of behaviour in this way if it were the other way around, but because of past experience (peoples actions) demonstrating that this behaviour is too much for them. I just can't have T leave me, or distance herself from me, because of this.

[Kiya]

i understand that entirely ((((((((Jacq)))))))

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by jacq10

... because of past experience (peoples actions) demonstrating that this behaviour is too much for them. I just can't have T leave me, or distance herself from me, because of this.

What if you were to ask her what she'd recommend in the event that you should find yourself feeling/acting clingy?

oooooooooooooo Entering FZ's fantasy. Please watch your step oooooooooooooo

One of Jacq's friends, randomly sampled: [aside] I can't deal with Jacq when she's this clingy. Maybe she should be in therapy or something.

---------------

Jacq's T: [aside] I can't deal with Jacq when she's this clingy. Maybe she should be in therapy or something. Hey, wait a minute...!

oooooooooooooo Leaving FZ's fantasy. Please watch your step oooooooooooooo

[Kiya]

LOL fooze =)

[jacq10]

So... I haven't heard back from T yet
I'm beginning to get really anxious as to what her thoughts about my request (support in-between sessions) is.
I have a feeling she'll just want to talk about it in session - which makes me even more uncomfortable and discouraged - but the least she could do is respond to my email with that.
I can't help but feel humiliated for even thinking that someone would fill even a portion of my needs, and also rejected... not the first time in my life...
I need T

[Kiya]

(((((((((Jacq)))))))))
my t and i have had convos around this some... that she wants me to learn to know my needs, and to be able to ask for them - even while knowing that t cannot always provide them all. It is super confusing. but she says it is a part of my healing process so that I can stop being a chamelion and submitting to everyone elses' whims.
hope that helps some. you are deserving. i am glad you asked for waht you needed, regardless of the result (but still hoping T is just busy, and will still answer).

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by jacq10

I can't help but feel humiliated for even thinking that someone would fill even a portion of my needs, and also rejected... not the first time in my life...

Originally Posted by Kiya

my t and i have had convos around this some... that she wants me to learn to know my needs, and to be able to ask for them - even while knowing that t cannot always provide them all.

(((((((Jacq))))))) (((((((Kiya)))))))
I'm about to tell you something that I think you both may have some difficulty getting -- mainly because at the times when I find myself feeling that I need something or somebody, I still "know" this but I have trouble getting it myself.

For me, needs are paradoxical and what counts most is not what needs I have, but how I hold them. Rather than try to say this from scratch, though, let me link you to where I said it before. That whole thread may turn out to be of some interest to you, for that matter.

[jacq10]

((((((((((((FooZe & Kiya)))))))))))))))

[FooZe]

(((((((Kiya))))))), thanks for that article you posted in the other thread. I suspect the author had Alan Watts' invite-your-depression-in-for-coffee recommendation in mind when she wrote that. [Found the original here.]

Originally Posted by Sonia Connolly

Are you willing to connect to your feeling of longing? Not the subject, not the thing longed for, but the feeling itself.
...
Our longings reveal our desires, our vulnerabilities, and our priorities. Longing can be a powerful, painful force, and, with quiet attention and acceptance, it can also be a gateway to greater connection and freedom.

Very well put, I'd say.

Let me simplify what I'm about to say next by ruling out purely mundane and practical situations such as "I need someone to sell me a pint of blueberries." Practical matters aside, when I find myself thinking/feeling that I "need" a particular person in my life or that I "need" a particular kind of support or inspiration from any of several people, it usually turns out (eventually! lol) that I've really been looking for someone to distract me from what Connolly calls longings. What I may really have been wanting at the time -- which hooking up with a particular person and/or fantasy might have served to distract me from -- could have been (for me, anyway) something like a sense of connection, of being on the same wavelength, of speaking the same language, of really being able to hear someone and/or having room to express myself and be heard. Although at one time or another a particular person -- not necessarily the same person each time -- could help provide the occasion for hearing and being heard, what really turns out to matter (in my experience) is not the exact person I happen to find myself with, but what I happen to be ready and willing to bring to the party. Sometimes my most important interpersonal skill turns out to be the ability to get (myself and what I may see as my "needs") out of another person's way and invite them to do their thing.

[jacq10]

ahhh she JUST replied to my email and said that she wasnt sure how support on her end would be possible????....but was wondering what I had in mind .......

What do I do??

I replied to the email asking her if we could pretend the email never happened .... aaaahhhhhhh!

[jacq10]

anyone??

*pulls blanket over head and hides*

[Kiya]

=(
ummmmmmmmmmm i probably would have said nevermind too =( i eventually gave up on my t for outer support.
dunno!! courage to you for sending the email tho!!!

(((((((((((((((Jacq))))))))))))))))))

[Dazed and Confused]

Originally Posted by jacq10

ahhh she JUST replied to my email and said that she wasnt sure how support on her end would be possible????....but was wondering what I had in mind .......

What do I do??

I replied to the email asking her if we could pretend the email never happened .... aaaahhhhhhh!

Maybe you could suggest to her ways she could support you outside of session. Maybe her response was that she didn't know how meaning not sure what you were looking for? Some of the suggestions I've seen from this board include emails or phone calls.