[MINIME]

I have been in therapy for for 21 months. I go to a a "reg" therapist for one hour a week and an emdr for two hours a week and I am in a group. THis is may trigger mentions emotional vulnerability and frustration and self harm



I dont really self harm at all. When I am triggered or stuck in a state of a severe over powering feeling that is old I may dig my nails in my hand. However I dont really do anything at all. I know that therapy will and does bring up severe and hard feelings and issues. I do my best to try and change the way i react to those so that I can heal whatever old stuff has come up. I dont always do the best job.
I am in a dbt group tp learn about emotions and see if it helps with my ptsd. I have only missed one class and we have been meeting 5 months. I have never missed a therapy appointment.
Ok so here is where I am going. I get so frustrated at times. There are a couple of people in my group who do self harm like overdosing alot and other varoius activities. They are not supposed to bring it up in group but they do at times before it can be stopped. I know that this is a very seroius issue and that most people who do this are not like this but here lies my frustration. This one girl laughs about it and thinks its funny that the dr wont give her meds becasue she Over doses all the times and she laghs when she talks bout it..and always announces to the group I was in the hospital and smiles....I have tried to be open minded but I just cant. The therapist in charge he always stops and listens to her everytime she talks and we spend alot of time with her.
On the other hand Ihave been interupted and he has ignored me. I brough this up to my therpaist who happens to be this girls therapist also and she has talked to the group to and the whole dbt team and things have changed. The leaders listen to me and stuff. yet I am still hurt and angry about this. In fact I decided when i told my therapist that if she wanted I could slap them in the face like this girl and do these behaviors and show them off instead of working my butt off every week and doing the work and asking for help. (she said no)
I have had a very bad past I have severe PTSd that is so bad it interferes with my life and makes me stand out at times. I am coming up on a very bad anniversary. Yet i am still walking foward and doing the work.
I guess what I am doing is venting. I get angry when I see that some people (not everyone who self harms just a couple) waste time and energy and everyone stops and listens to them because they communicate non verbally in a way that is dramatic and potentially dangeous. I on the other hand have to use my words to describe how I am feeling whats going on and I cant always do that well.
I have talked to my therapists and things have changed in the group and she says that she respects me for using my words and so on and such but I have this anger. Maybe its this jealousy that I cant act this way and not have to use my words and stuff to communicate. I am raising my neices and nephew and I have to be strong. I cant scream with out words....plus i couldnt do that to my therapists. .
So I dont know why I am writing this maybe does any one else feel this way? I know that most people who Si are not this way.

I forgot to add the emotional vulnerabilty. I share alot with my therapists. I share feelings and thoughts and I feelso vulnerable. I feel raw and exposed. I know this is part of the process for me. I have held all this is for so long. I hate that it makes me afraid that they will leave or decide to hate me and all those weird thoughts. I never had this kind of relationship. Its never been all about my needs and no one ever really lsitened to me. I had a severly traumatizing life.
Triggers





I grew up in and out of foster homes. My mom is schizophrenic she tried to kill us by poisining us starving is threatened to shoot us...I had two broken legs was beat abused in every other way by her and her boyfriends...I witnessed her in a shoot out with the police (we were in the path and the police didnt shoot back becasue of this) I was kidnapped and raped by a stranger at nine years old...so on and so forth....its sounds unbelievable but its all true. I talk about this the best I can. Yet sometimes my therapist say you are behind this wall and you say nothing is wrong and thats not true be real in therapy show us your feelings...and I try so hard and I cant always do it and when i do I feel afraid. I cant accpet comfort yet as it makes me mad for some reason all this leads to this emotional vulnerability but I keep trying so when I have words and they feel ignored I get hurt. I dont know. Maybe I am a ***** and mean and rude and I should shut up.

Minime,

I know you didn't ask this, but it is something that I am wondering. Could it be with all therapy you do which is unbelievably hard work, especially the EMDR, that the group is just too much. It would be for me to be honest especially all the others stuff I have going on.
I think I would be hurt too if I didn't feel heard in a group. There are always people in every kind of group that seeks the attention of everyone, I am sure therapy groups are no different. Those people are truly annoying. lol

Are you getting anything out of this group? Maybe it isn't the best use of your time?

As for the girl who laughs about her very serious stuff, I have a feeling the laughter is pain, many people express this in very different ways. You seem to hold your stuff in like anger, etc. and other people do other things. I don't self harm or anything, but when I feel uncomfortable in social situations, I do laugh too. I think it is the body's natural way of trying to calm itself.

I think you are doing such good work Minime! But would you be better off without this group and maybe do some quiet time for yourself to give yourself a chance to relax or pamper? You do deserve that and treating yourself is healing too.

[MINIME]

Exotic...Its not to much the group is supposed to teach things not a process group. It had been helpful in ways. Maybe your right about the girl but hinestly she doesnt seem like that she loves attention. Thats part of the frustration becasue I am working hard and I need to be heard and I cant always get the words out....if you could see how my brain works lol it is always going and I need alot of assisatnce in keeping it under control. It is almost always flooding if I am not constantly in charge of it and trying to talk and gettingthings out. Its like it is a river that is filled with storm water and the dam has to be open or i will drown.

Wow Minnime,

I think you should be a poet!

"Its like it is a river that is filled with storm water and the dam has to be open or i will drown. "
That is a really good simile!

What does your T say about how to handle this girl. ( I am sure he should know, lol)

I honestly don't know how you have this much energy. I know after EMDR I am totally spent for a couple of days. With all your other stuff going on, you are doing an amazing job with it all. I am glad you are posting more lately. You are truly missed on here!

[imapatient]

MINIME, I can totally relate. I was in Partial Hospitalization earlier this year and then Day Treatment and had to put up with some, but not much, stuff like this. We had some DBT. People weren't supposed to get too deep into real traumatic stuff and not into SI beyond very simple statement of doing SI without describing. But if someone got out of line, they were spoken to by T's and it was not tolerated. Some people were made to leave the program if they did what you describe, or other disruptive things.

It's too bad they don't seem to do that with your program. Can they expalin why they don't make people leave if they're hurting the group? It happens to all of us in group settings somewhat, but you have it really bad. You're handling it well I think.

On another note, this and other recent messages of yours show improvement; you're communicating, and seeming to function, much better lately. You've always been a very creative and humorous writer, but you're doing better on the serious side these days and in the way you explain dealing with your T's and emotions. I'm impressed by your progress.

[MINIME]

LOL thanks about being a poet... I do write poems. I just need to slow down and edit my words...I type to fast.. I have some of my poems hanging on the wall of the place I go to counseling along with alot of my art. I love writing. My pastor says to me when you become rich from your writings and art dont forget about me..lol.
I do love words that is part of the frustration. I talk alot in words pictures. I describe things in pictures and a lot of people have a hard time getting that mostly the guy therapist who runs the group. So I have made these movies..to describe things to people with pictures and words and songs. That helps. My brain thinks in levels that are hard to describe. For example I said to one person. My brain is is like a street and my thoughts are like a rain storm with hail and people have used their leaf blowers to blow the leaves in the street even though they have been told not to and it clogs the drains so it floods the streets. People are like huh??? But if I did some wild dramatic thing then it would be easier.
Thanks for the encouragement. I do know I am getting better. I do see that. I am working so hard. I just I dont know

I wouldn't say Huh? I would say "bravo!" I guess you need to hang around more artistic types. They would add to it! I would love to read some of your poetry. There is nothing wrong with the way you express yourself, some of us understand very well.

It sounds like we grew up with a very similar mother though I think my mom was antisocial disorder . But yeah, I get it, I get a lot of what you write. (whether poetic or not)
I am not sure if I asked you this or not, but have you found after EMDR, maybe days later, that you get this creative urge? My T says trauma is held mostly in the right brain, and that is where creativity is held. Some of the best stuff I have written was after EMDR.

[mixedup_emotions]

I can totally relate to the feelings you have towards this girl in group. I too am in group, and I have had to deal with similar situations. Right now, as a matter of fact.....and I'm learning to say what I honestly feel which is EXTREMELY hard to do when it could potentially feel hurtful or at the risk of rejection.

As an example, one person was talking about how she knows she can't get a guy if her life depended on it, will have to accept being alone for the rest of her life, started mentioning how she was going to SI.

In the most gentle way, I told her that I felt hesitant to respond to her because her comments seemed to indicate that she only wants encouraging feedback - that she wants to be told, "No, you're so pretty! Any guy would be lucky to have you!" - in a nutshell, being manipulative.

It actually ended up being a very eye-opening discussion, and she showed a LOT of appreciation for helping her see that.

Aside from that, I know that when certain people are constantly overly dramatic and attention grabbing, I get jealous too...Just because I'm not putting on a show doesn't mean that I'm not in need of support too!

Edited to add: By the way, I just want to make clear that I do not feel that people who SI are attention grabbing (coming from someone who has SI'd).

[MINIME]

Ok thanks. I also know that in my family of orgin between my siblings they all have these kinda issues that trigger the anger in me. I have one sister who fakes seizures and or cancer and or anything like being paralyzed for attention and or pain pills. I have another brother who a week or so ago tried to "kill" himself and spent time in the hospt then may be in jail now for threatening to kill someone at his job which got him fired. Another sister who has been off meth for almost three years but lied in every shape and form and I have had her children for 12 years, and the other sisters child for two or so. My brother who hurt himself he never calls unless its a crises never goes to the places I found for him that were free. So I have not heard from him. He haas a 4 year old boy who lives with his mom and I have no contact wih him. This babies mom doesnt want anything to do wih my brothers side of the family for good reason but unfortunalty that includes me.... becasue she doesnt know how awesome I am. LOL
SO I just keep going keep doing the hard work. My oldest neice I adopted has fetal alcohol syndrome my littlest neice was meth exposed had seizures and myoclonic jerks atonic drops and was in a wheelchair for a year she has a crooked airway that leads to severe breathing issues, they both have had attachment issues and behavior issues. My oldest nephew who is almost 19 now he was a high school drop out at freshman credits and he is now a college student he was so skinny and under weight and he is healthy now, he isnt perfect he has his moments. What I am saying is I have done this and I have to keep going and I get frustrated. I have given my life to care for the kids.
I have to do the hard work. I have to get better I have to., I have three kids who depend on me for so much. I know that my issues are spilling out like honey and covering this girl and its so sticky its impossiable to get it all off her.

[Sannah]

Mini, my darling....... Is there a theme going on here about people who get things without working for it???? You work and work and work and trudge on in therapy and in your family (you are the one taking care of everyone else's kids) and then you see people who aren't doing any work and it makes you mad..........????? You had a lot of terrible things happen to you too but you pull it together anyway, do the work and don't fall a part - and they don't........... I also remember your mom playing favorites. Your brothers were treated better.

[MINIME]

sannah you have a good memory. yes she treated the boys better. Not the greatest or even close but she did treat them better. You may be right about how I feel. IM not sure really. The shrink yesterday told me that PTSD is curable but its hard work and meds can help but I can get better with out them which is the best way, and I just left and fell apart. I was like I am a dime a dozen client in a public mental health agency. If I dont stay on top of things I will fall through the cracks. I want some one to say this is what were going to do for today. Just take some pressure off of me,
Good news though last night I had a flashback and it made me puke and I was on my bed just staying still so that nothing could trigger me and my new friend (about 5 months) but she is my best friend came over since i wasnt returning her calls last night and she sat on my bed and hugged me and I cried. I got comfort. I allowed it to happen. I didnt push it away. Then we started to talk and I kept saying go home I hate you and she said awwwww I love you to stephanie..lol. It was healing. I allowed real intense comfort in a very bad spot. That is amazing for me.

[Sannah]

After I wrote that post I got to thinking what needs of yours aren't being met here and now you write about you having trouble allowing people to help you and get close to you. And you also mention about needing some pressure off of you. Yeah, these needs are screaming.............