Mother session

I felt so close to the feelings and experiences I had as my mother's child in today's session. But, I could feel myself holding back feelings, holding back the sadness and hurt and battling with my 4 and 5 yo and my 8 yo. I could feel the battle yet I was NOT going to feel anything. Its as if I refused. I talked a lot about my feelings, but anything, even anger that was welling up, I could not feel.

I had a strange "flashback" like feeling in the car going to my session. I was suddenly a teenager driving in the snow (there is snow here and its cold) and I felt my heart begin to pound as if I was driving home and feeling dread. Id rather drive or go anyplace else besides to that house. I talked about how I felt living there and my anger toward my mother, which ftt seemed to be appropriate anger and also anger that covered hurt and sadness because it is easier to feel. We talked a lot about my mother's narcissistic behavior and how she acted passive aggressively toward me and provoked me to get a reaction out of me. For her purposes. It enraged me and confused me. And when my children tirgger me, it is what I feel all over again. That someone is trying to get a reaction out of me. We talked about how I usually do respond to them with love, but there are times I cant. My mother was adored by other people/extended family and undermined my relatiionships with them by telling them how badly I treated her. to this day, my extended family believes that I mistreated my mother as a CHILD! Even as a small child! That I was a horror. Tantrums etc. I learned with ftt that I was continuously invalidated as my mother covered herself by telling stories about me.

We talked about how I am handling flashbacks as I drive. And losing time dissociatinig while drving. Its as if my mind is a captive audience for itslef b/c there is no where I can go or nothing I can do but drive, so I have been having flashbacks and then dissociating and not remembering much, bits and pieces. Like my 2 yo talking in the car etc. We spent a lot of time talking about the feelings I had for dt- she really was my mother to me. Ftt told me she had spoken with a colleague about her. She asked what their experience was with her was as she has a client having difficulty with her. This person said dt is a "tough cookie." Which is what my (previous) pdoc called her, too! I feel validated! The issue is that I used so much mental energy trying to get warmth and softness out of someone who is cold and tough and rough. Just like my mother. It is no wonder that I stayed there.Or that I want to go back and get some warmth. We talked specifically about how dt focused so heavily on BPD but not on the trauma that triggered emotional dysregulation etc.

Another thing we talked about is weight and my body. This is the first time in 16 yrs(!) that I am not pregnant and/or nursing a child/baby. I weaned my 2 1/2 yo this past aug to go on lexipro. I treat myself as if my body is only "purposeful" or valuable if I can give it to someone else. This was a big realization for me. That I have a value as me, not as someone who has to do and give to everyone around me.

My assignment is to write a no-send letter to my mother, no censorship, nothing has to be in order, just to get it all out. I see ftt again on thurs at 5, which is a weird time for me. I am a little scared about doing it and she said she wouldnt have given me this assignment if I was seeing her next on monday, but it works out well this week. She did suggest to write it on wed so I dont have to sit with it on tues. But I am having a compulsive moment and think, well, what if I want to add something on tues or wed....OK...Im shaking a little about this assignment......

((((blue)))))

Blue You're working so very hard!

Sounds like an intense assignment, but you can do it! I understand your T's reason for suggesting you wait to complete it on Wednesday, but if you already have thoughts that you want to jot down, I say go for it. You can always go back to it, though I also see your T's point that it might be best to write it in one sitting, no going back and editing or adding on. I hope you get a lot out of it!

Blue, I'm so happy for you that ftt is working out so well for you!

Oh, blue. I can empathasize with what you are feeling. I am SO afraid of feeling, and esp related to my mom. I just had this thing happen this past weekend where I was at a party and one of my friends casually was playing with my hair (its curly) for a few seconds. Those few seconds were GLORIOUS. Like someone who has been walking in a desert for days and manages to catch a drink of water for a few seconds.

All day yesterday I kept thinking about that and it reminded me of when I was young, I used to sit on my Poppa's lap (dad's dad) and he would play with my hair. I would sit transfixed, and could have stayed that way for hours. It also reminded me of a time over the summer where I saw a mom playing with her son's hair while she was waiitng for me to ring her up. It hit me in the gut and almost made me start bawling and I couldn't really understand why.

On one hand this seems such a silly thing to ruminate over, and on the other, it makes me sad deep down, and THAT scares me.

Dream- Thanks for saying that about the feelings eventually coming to the surface. I feel them there, but I dont feel them. I just "feel" them there. If that makes any sense. Maybe it was my cold and I thought if I cried, I really wont be able to breathe. It sounds funny, but maybe.

I am afraid of the sad and hurt feelings when it comes to my mother. That I'll be flooded and wont be able to breathe from sadness or stop crying.

When I read what you wrote about your mother telling stories about your relatives, my mother did exactly that, too. She told stories aobut everyone to inflate herself, but especially about relatives she thought Id like. She always had something negative to say about someone else.

Im thinking about beginning the letter to my mother tonight. If I feel that I am not doing well with the feelings that come up, I'll stop.

Velcro- I can SO understand this. Would that be considered a trigger? And when you saw the mother playing with her child's hair? Things like that trigger intense feelings of sadness for me, even if I do not connect it with my mother, I know it is the reason. It makes me want to suddenly cry, too. I get paralysed for a minute. And I dont think for a second it is silly. Your Poppa sounds like he was a nice part of your life. In today's session we were talking about my grandmother and the positive influence she had on me. Hugs to you, Velcro dear

Thanks blue.

What is so hard for me is that I have a good family. There was no abuse, but there is something missing. I don't remember a lot of my childhood and am very avoidant, and want nothing to do with a close relationship with her. Its very hard and confusing!

Maybe she meant well, but something about your relationship with her that felt invalidating? Even if she was a good mother and tried hard, maybe you experienced her differently than that?

Or am I projecting my mother feelings onto you?

Hi blue,

I'm kinda dipping in and out of the feelings surrounding my mother at therapy just now too. It seems to happening slowly, I'm not sure if this is just because if i let it all out at once it would be overwhelming, or maybe that my brain is trying to protect me a bit. Its good that you are starting some where with it all and the feelings will come eventually!
My mum has also told stories about me to relatives and old friends of the family, she's also very well respected and very well likedbecause very few people have seen that nasty side to her. She's a bit of a jeykl and hide.

Good luck with the assignment, and try to stay safe when you're doing it.

You know, I don't know. I'm sure she never deliberately tried to...what, I don't know? Hurt me? I just don't believe she did...It is SO HARD when you don't remember. When all you have is what you hear from your mom. When all she does is want to be closer to you, and you rebuff it.

Another part that must have been hard is that my mom came out as a lesbian when I was 23, and divorced my dad (on Thanksgiving!). That was hard. So all my childhood, she was "going through hell" as she put it, because she didn't know who she was. I can't be mad about something like that.

Blue, I totally get what you're saying about feeling a feeling, but not "feeling" it......Funny how it sounds ridiculous but is so clear to someone who has experienced it. LOL.

Sounds like an emotionally challenging assignment - and hopefully a fruitful one!

When I think about doing that with my dad, it scares me to death....

it's great that she was able to validate your feelings about dt, I know that had to feel good!

I'm struck by what a great connection you seem to have with ftt, blue. You are doing a LOT of work together, and really going in there week after week and looking at hard stuff. It takes a lot of courage to do that.

That assignment she gave you, that's pretty huge, huh? It's good timing, though. You can get it out and then go take it into your session on Thurs and process it. Do you not see ftt next week because of the holiday, is that why you're seeing her twice this week? Just wondering how that's going to play out, it seems like this assignment could bring up a whole BUNCH of stuff.