How do you learn how to trust?

So, you know that group T has been a struggle for me. I've pretty much resigned to the fact that I'm involved in group, am building skills, providing support and feedback...but I am less inclined to share my own "stuff".

One of the group members posted on our blog about how he's frustrated with me because I don't trust group...that he's known me for a year and I won't share some things with him.

I don't think I know how to trust....And I've already been burned in group - and even though we've worked towards repairing that damage in group - it's hard for me to feel safe there.

The exchange with this member is helping me to realize that I have some serious trust issues overall (even though I think it's valid in this group situation).

I feel as though I was not borne into a trusting environment, and have been burned so many times in my life that trust just doesn't happen. I can't even say that I trust my T....or myself....or anyone.

I said that I would work on it, but it scares me because I don't feel as though I have the tools to know how.

Can anyone relate? Or has anyone had this experience and conquered it?

He sounds selfish to me. Nobody has the obligation to share with anyone else. He needs to learn to respect that. He sounds like he may be someone it is not wise to trust.

Maybe group therapy is not a good idea for you. It sounds as though you are wise to be cautious about sharing in this particular group.

Please don't pressure yourself to work on it. I suspect that it would be better to focus on accepting yourself. You're not a bad person for not trusting. It's just one valid way of being. It's not something to "conquer."

Hmmm...a good question, MUE! I don't think I can be very helpful, though. My T repeatedly tells me I have trust issues...I do not trust myself..ever. I don't trust my feelings, thoughts, emotions..none of it. I need confirmation from other people before I believe myself! I dont trust my T...there are few people I REALLY trust.

The crazy thing is...and I just keep on trying to keep this in mind...is that even though my T knows that I don't really trust her, she doesn't seem too bothered by it. I have been going for 2 years now, but she just keeps saying that she isn't going anywhere. I think that in itself is huge. I don't really see it NOW, but I think I could. Like, she still stuck with me even when I was wandering around, lost, in circles? That she didn't get absolutely fed up with me? I think it takes time. As much time as you need. And consistency. My T is the same person week to week, as much as I fear that one day she'll be mad or upset at me. So far, she hasn't. Yet...I STILL can't really trust that. Weird, I know.

Hang in there! If you think group is helping you, just go. That is all I do. I just go. Most times I wonder why...but I just have to have some trust that it will lead to a more positive end.

MUE, Not sure about you, but privacy is number 1 in my list of what will help me heal and trust, and a group that can blog about another member to me is quite outragous. Personally I'd shut my mouth for ever if I were in a situation like that, especially in the early yrs, or perhaps in the early yrs I didnt realise that sort of thing wasn't condusive for healing, some of the things I say to T are very sensivtive to me and having my charactor judged for all to see isn't what I would want. Perhaps its you that are behaving like any rational person would and not trusting because it doesnt sound very trustworthy? Go with your guts.

A huge issue for me as well.

But also, 1.you don't have to trust everyone, and 2. trust has to be earned. I agree that being in a T-group where one member blogs about another member in that group is not a trust-worthy situation.

Also, you don't have to trust everyone the same amount. There are people you can trust with some things, (like, external things, like discussing school assignments) and some you can trust with deeper things, and some you can trust with the things closest to your heart.

It was important to me to realize that it was taking care of myself to figure out how much it was safe to share with different people.

((( MU )))

Trust is a BIG issue (naturally) for those who have been hurt or abused by others in society. Children are born with trust - there is no other option. Then while we are learning how to get around in this world, BOOOM!!! Something happens that breaks that trust. Many people will go "OUCH!" and then they think "That was odd" but they will dismiss it as a one time event. They trust yest again and then "BAMM!!"

People who have been chronically abused have a very hard time with trust. This is a very intelligent response to what we have learned along the way. They say only a fool does the same thing over and over expecting a different result.

It took me years to realize that my lack of trust came because I was smart enough to learn from the pain and change the way I operated. Hope that makes sense.

Now the second part of that is the adult self. That self misses trust. One who has learned not to trust anyone has to unlearn all of that. What is wrong with this picture?

1) It took a lot of pain for us to learn the NO TRUST lesson the first time! Who wants to go through all that pain again?

2) We know that trust puts us at risk of being hurt. People have proven themselves to us in the past as being hurtful and letting us down. How do we know our trust will not be abused again?

Well there we are - but we know the high price we are forced to pay because we can't trust. Trusting others is helpful in society - in personal relationships and employment. Who wants to be our friend if we don't disclose? Who wants to work with us if we look at them like we are just waiting for them to make an epic fail? Ugg! Trust between humans is a very basic need.

So now we know why we have the problem and what the problem costs... but how in the heck are we supposed to "fix" the problem? That is the ultimate question.
Here are some things I am trying to learn along the way and practice...

1) Trust is a gift I first give myself. When I trust a co-worker to listen to what I say and respond to it without insulting me or doing other negative responses, I am doing it because I want to be a "team player" of sorts. When I meet a new friend and I disclose a little about myself to them, I am doing it for ME not them. I need friends so I am not lonely. And I know it takes trust and disclosure to get friends. So I give them a measure of trust and disclose. The more I value the friendship or relationship, the more trust I will give them and the more disclosure I will make.

When it comes to T, I trust him totally. I do this for ME and not him at all. I do it because I am paying him to be an expert of my mind so he can help me guide this ship into a safe harbor. He can't do it without the maps. So I tell him all I can about me and that takes a lot of trust. I know I am doing it because I trust in him as a professional.

2) Forgiveness is a part of trust. Because trusting others is an asset to us, forgiving the fractures that happen as a normal part of communication is vital to trust. If a person has a close friend and the friend has a very bad day and says the wrong thing, what is the value of tossing out all the investment in friendship just because of one mistake?

3) Trust does not have to be all or nothing! Now THIS last thing was the insight that changed my life and allowed me to trust again. In my prior years, I saw trust as all or nothing. If I had a friend, I trusted them 100% But naturally the friend would eventually let me down or something would happen that I would hate myself for trusting them. My mind would go to ZERO trust in that person and I would see a big red X on their face.

Well, again, I found out that by doing this, I was robbing myself of the investments I had made into the friendship. And I also realized that I made mistakes too! (( Shock Shock! LOL )). I didn't want someone else to not ever trust me again just because I made a mistake. So why was I doing that to others?

What I decided to do was change the way I saw trust into a percentage system.
For example, I know know that most strangers are "Ok" so I give them a trust of about 60%. If I see someone in the store and they smile at me, I mainly trust that they are not going to harm me and take my money or something. So I am sorta ok with returning a smile. For my friends, I have them in higher percentages. If they do make a mistake, it is alot easier to forgive the mistake because I give them some percentage points to "fail" :-) Now with my T, he is at about 95% right now. Sometimes I knock him down to 30% - usually when I am projecting or doing transference I have not mentally worked out. But he stays up there. Again, I keep him up there because I pay him to be that high in trust. I would have to get a different T if that trust was too low. But that still allows some room for him to say something that might make me not like him for a while. And by not making a big red X on his mental face, I can maintain my trust in him that is my therapy investment.

Hope this helps!!

Thank you, everyone.....This is very helpful.

My T has been pushing me to share more in group, and I'm very frustrated that he keeps making it an issue. Knowing that I've had a history of mental, physical and sexual abuse, he should know that it's difficult for me...

Add to that, the fact that this is the same group where I was called a drama queen and then told that he doesn't believe what I say is true, it makes it that much harder to want to disclose anything for fear of being judged, called a liar, dismissed, etc. (BTW, this guy and I are trying to repair the damage done by his expressions towards me - and he realizes that he's projecting his relationship with his mother onto me).

Now, this isn't the same guy that is frustrated with me for not sharing. Different guy. I do believe his intentions are pure and he's trying to be caring in his own way.

I just don't see how I need any more stress on my plate...and being put on the spot and prodded to disclose and share more is really making me uncomfortable.

The goal is to "lean into the discomfort" according to my T....Well, good for him. That's not working for me right now. I have enough discomfort IRL....

We are a product of our experiences. If we were in situations which were bad for us we become distrustful. In order to become trusting we need to have some of those experiences (trustful ones). This group I think gives you opportunities to take stock of yourself and a chance to work on what you discover. I can hear you, though, when you say "Do I really need this extra stress".

Trust seems to be a big issue for me, but I remember when I first started group - I was very trusting. I shared so much more back then - until I felt like I was attacked. Now, I can't seem to get back to a safe place there.

In a normal situation, I would never confide in someone who treated me that way...

((((((((((((((((MUE)))))))))))))))

Is there a reason you have to stay in this group? Do you WANT to stay in it? Do you find it helpful? I'm just genuinely curious (and not judging at all).

It sounds hard.

Trust is huge issue for me and I still working with my issues there.

One thing I have learned though, is that trust really isn't about finding the right set of people that I can count on to never hurt me. Sadly, that's just not realistic. Even the best people, my therapist, my friends etc... are going to hurt me in some way. They will disappoint me, not follow through on something, be dismissive, thoughtless... And these are the good ones - yes, but all too human.

For me learning to trust is becaming about having enough confidence in myself that I can handle the inevitable hurts, and realize that the whole relationship doesn't have to go into the crapper. Man, usually, once I had been hurt (or even the perception of hurt), I would start building a rock-solid case as to why this person was just the evil, thus giving me plenty of reason to leave.

Now it's becoming about tolerance and a willingness to allow myself to be hurt, but carry on anyway.

Now, along with this comes the notion that good boundaries make good friends, parents etc... By that I mean developing a clear sense of what I will tolerate and what I will not.

Repeated violations of these boundaries may mean the relationship isn't worth saving, but I'm trying to make the conscious choice to do so. I'm trying to free myself from that constant tape that plays in my head that says "BOLT" at the first sign of danger. I think I miss out on a lot by allowing myself to do that.

It's such a process, this unlearning and re-learning, but I think it all centers on me.

On a completely unrelated (perhaps not!) note, I have a pounding headache...

That he's frustrated with you for not sharing, suggests that he might have more to gain from your sharing than you would. As it happens, I seem to have missed pretty much everything you've posted about this group so I know nothing about them. Accordingly, I'm simply going to let my imagination run riot:

• For whatever reason, he has doubts about his own trustworthiness and wants you to reassure him by trusting him.

• He once did something in group that wasn't OK with him; he's not entirely satisfied that he's cleaned it up and won't do it again; he wants you to bail him out by proving you trust him; and he's frustrated that you aren't playing along.

• He's not ready to forgive himself so he's hoping you'll forgive him so that he won't have to.

• He secretly resents you for some reason and has been yearning to flame you in group, but so far you've been careful not to give him any ammunition.

• He hasn't anything against you personally but is just seeking to show off his flaming skills against anyone who'll give him the opportunity.

• He's looking for someone to rescue in order to take his attention off his own issues, but you're not volunteering to be rescued nor even telling him what you might need to be rescued from.

• He thinks he'd feel less embarrassed talking about his stuff in group, if you talked about your embarrassing stuff first. Come on, don't keep the poor guy waiting!

• He wants to impress you and put you in his debt by knowing stuff about you that he hasn't used against you in any way -- so that when he does spill something embarrassing about himself, he'll have something to hold over you in case you blab, or make fun of him, or whatever.

• You have to prove you trust him first; then (he thinks) he'll feel ready to try trusting you.

As I see it, you don't need to know "how". Trust is something that happens naturally when you let go of your inclination to distrust. If you see a risk of being "burned" and you're not willing to be burned, distrust sounds to me like an entirely appropriate response.

I'd say what you need to work on is not trusting per se, but identifying what the risks are for you and watching yourself choose to accept them or not. It's not a bit better to trust and regret trusting, than it is to distrust and regret distrusting. You can, however, go into a situation with your eyes open, choose either to trust or to distrust, and be equally satisfied with your choice either way irrespective of how the situation eventually turns out.
I'd think that simply experiencing this experience and owning it as yours will be worth more to you in the long run than any form of "conquering" it. Good luck, MUE!
(!)

Not so weird, if you don't know what you'd do if she were to get mad or upset.

Not only if you don't know, but if it's not OK with you that you don't know. When I think of some kinds of things happening, I don't know what I'd do either -- only that I'd find out what had happened and come up with the most appropriate response I could, knowing whatever I knew at the time.

The way I figure it is, if someone complains about you, what they're doing is not so much saying something about your character as demonstrating their own. Your response, in turn, will be what demonstrates your character.

fz, yes and my charactor would stop sharing.