What the heck, T?

I had my session with my T yesterday, and I'm not sure how to feel about it.

We talked about school and life for a few minutes, then she asked how I've been coping with my depression, and I mentioned SI as a coping technique, which she is well aware that I do. She got completely silent and looked absolutely shocked. Again, there's nothing shocking about SI in my life...it happens, and she knows it happens.

Everything went downhill from there...We argued a lot about what the other person would say. I tried to explain what SI does for me, but she had a freaking counter for everything I said. I told her about it helping me feel something, and she just said "you can feel, you just won't. You're suppressing everything. You suppress your emotions." I told her that's the farthest thing from the truth. I'm constantly fighting to feel, not suppressing feeling. I don't know why I can't feel...but I do, however, know that I'm not suppressing it. Of course, she refused to accept that. She would only accept what she thought to be true.

We talked some about SI in particular. I said it's not the best coping strategy, I'm well aware, but it serves it's purpose. She looked me in the eye and literally said "no it doesn't." I said, "something about it works...I've been doing it for over 5 years." She raised her eyebrow and said "well, how's that been working out for you?" Her tone was literally scathing and venomous. It felt like she was trying to cut me down... Next she went on and on about how she doesn't think I'm ready to give it up, and how it's worthless to try if I'm not ready. That pissed me off SO bad, because to me, that shows that she's forgotten what I've gone through in the name of trying to get help with SI. I would not have even brought it up at all if I wasn't ready for it. I especially wouldn't have brought it up at 17 years old, when she had to inform my parents about it. I wouldn't have put myself through that if I wasn't ready. I told her I know that it's a problem, and it's not something I'm proud of. Again, if I didn't think it was a problem, I would have never wasted my time talking about it and looking for a solution. I started tearing up as I was saying all of this. I've never teared up in therapy before, so based on that, I'm sure you can imagine how bad I felt. I felt so unheard, and so frustrated for that reason.

Now I feel hesitant to bring up anything with her anymore. I feel like every time I do bring up anything regarding numbness, depression, SI, etc, it'll just reinforce everything in her mind that she said. On the other hand, I know it's counterproductive to NOT discuss what I'm there to work on. So essentially, I feel stuck. I really am trying to work on things. I may be slower than others, but I am trying. I feel like she discounted all of that, and just overlooked it.

I feel like our session left room for progress, but I know that door will close if everything keeps going on like this. I always felt so much that she understood me so well, and that she could understand what's going on. I've NEVER once felt like she didn't get something until now. I hate feeling like this. It's like...what happened? Why this sudden shift? The tension in that office is at an all-time high. She's acting like she's pissed at me, but I can't figure out why. Is she just frustrated that things are moving slowly? What's the deal? I've NEVER felt so misunderstood and so unvalidated. I hate this feeling.

I can not get it out of my mind. My mood has been super low since yesterday. I mean, unable to get out of bed kind of low. I want to call her tonight and leave her a message, hoping she'll call me tomorrow, and I can at least get some peace...either that, or a more candid view of where she's coming from. I don't know...

I feel like she's going to just give up on me. Yesterday, literally every single time she spoke, I thought she was going to say that she's done with me. I was literally shocked when she pulled out her book to schedule our next appointment. I feel like I've made a great deal of progress, and I don't want to lose that. I'm pretty sure that if she gave up on me, I just wouldn't be in therapy anymore. I'd be done. I really don't want that to happen....

I guess right now, anyone who has been through something similar, or anyone who has any words of wisdom would be great. Although, I'm sure a lot of you will agree with my T...It's cool...I'm ready for anything you've got. I just need to figure this out.

fallen, that sounds like a really hard session.

If it were me, one thing I would want to know was why she acted so differently in the session than she usually does. I would want to check that perception with her. Did she think she was acting differently? If so, why did she do that? Is she trying a new type of approach? If so, what is it, why does she think it will help, etc.? If not, I would give her examples of how she seemed to be behaving differently during the session. Maybe she doesn't realize she was doing that. Or maybe what you thought you observed was a misinterpretation. I think there is a ton to talk about here. Maybe a starting point to check perceptions would be to tell her that she appeared shocked when you mentioned SI, and ask if she did feel that way. And if so, why, since you have talked about SI before. It seems there are a lot of places you might start the discussion....

I think it is very unsettling when a T begins acting differently. My T is usually pretty consistent, and I think that helps me trust him. There have been a couple of times when he seemed "different". One time was very upsetting for me and I called him later and he was very stern on the phone with me, but explained himself. And even though I didn't like how he was with me, I felt better when I had understanding.

I just left her a message, so I'm hoping she'll call me back tomorrow, and we can either discuss things, or we can set up an appointment sooner rather than later to discuss it fully. After our session she admitted she was pushing me a bit more than usual, but to me, it felt a lot harder than just pushing. I have no clue where this is all coming from. She has also been really consistent, so this is a shock to me. After almost 2 years with her, she has NEVER acted like this. If she calls tomorrow, I guess I'll see how that goes, then go from there.

I know that your session sucked but good for you to fight through that. I hope that was a tactical approach by your therapist (even if an accident something good can come from this) but you proved to her and yourself that you aren't suppressing (you were affected enough to come to tears over this sorry you got that upset by the way) and that if you were (no I am not saying that is the case) you broke something somewhere. I know therapy can be taxing but it's these moments that make it work even if it SUCKS. Please stay safe now that you have stirred things and know we are here for you. Be safe.

Hi Fallen Angel,

I think I know how you feel. My last T was very kind and understanding most of the time, but a couple of times she took that kind of hard-nosed confrontational approach. It is an awful feeling.
Maybe she is just trying to shake things up. Like Sunrise said....to take a different approach. It might be coming from frustration on her part, or maybe it simply is a tactic that she is using because what she is currently doing is obviously not making a difference.

I just wanted to let you know I understand, and I know it sucks right now.
I hope you can work this out with your T and come to a better understanding of each other.

((((((((((((((( dear angel ))))))))))))))))

whooo... what a rough session.

the one thing that can't be said about this session is that you didn't feel anything!!! Then, or now!!! so if that is what yr T was aiming for (remember, sneeeeky therapists ) it's having its effect.

the thing that stands out to me in what you wrote is this >> I can not get it out of my mind.

To me that says that your mind is hard at work processing your session, and it may be that in a few days you will see all of this differently. When will be your next appointment? be brave!!

Wow, sounds like a really hard session.

It also sounds like your T was trying a tougher technique to see how you would handle it/respond....and perhaps this processing and your later reaction is really important! It might be worthwhile for you to document how you're feeling and bring this in to your next session to discuss it with T.

My T tried to be tough with me during another occasion and he said something that I felt was very hurtful. I addressed it at my next session, and he told me he was trying to shock me. He felt bad for being mean by saying what he did, but he was feeling a bit desperate at the time because he felt I was in danger.

It seems that your T already said she was pushing you. But it would be worthwhile for her to know how you reacted to that pushing, during your processing of it. Because it may not be a technique that works for you.

You guys are amazing!

My messed up mind automatically though it was out of malicious intent, but maybe it is just a different approach, like you all said.

My next appointment isn't until the week after next, but maybe we can clear up some of this if she calls me back.

If it is just a new approach, I really want to know. As I said, it feels more like she's pissed at me for some reason, so this being a new approach would be somewhat of a relief.

I think a big thing was that I felt cornered. I get emotional when I feel cornered for any reason, so I think that was part of it. I get the whole tough love thing, but this is just ridiculous.

I don't want to assume anything, but part of me wonders if it was projection on her part? She said how growing up, crying and showing emotion wasn't an option. More or less, you just had to get over it. She said as an adult, she had to relearn (for lack of a better word) that it's okay to feel and show emotion. I wonder if maybe she was assuming that it was the same way with me?

Fallen angel, I give you a lot of credit for being in therapy at 17 I didn't know which end was up at 17 and I am 45! Sounds like T is just pushing you, I believe because T's get frustrated and pissy too. Just like we do as clients. Remind T that she is not your body or inside your body to know how SI makes you feel. Let her know "I am here aren't I" and I am not perfect. Hang in there kid!

I've been in therapy on and off since I was 9. I was pretty much forced into therapy at first, but since I'm 18 now, I guess it's pretty safe to say I'm there of my own free will.

I totally understand that therapists can get frustrated as well, but I don't see how making me feel like crap about it is in any way productive.

I'm sorry to hear you have gone thru that.. My T has been pushing me also because I am an isolationist and have been holed up in my bedroom for the last 17 years..She has made me feel that we have come to a stale mate in our therapy sessions.. I haven't been back since October.. I know I need the therapy but she also needs to learn that this is my life and I am not comfortable being around people.. I hope you work things out with you T because you have several years invested in it..Tell your T how uncomfortable He/She has made you..

Thank you all again for your replies.

I just got off the phone with T. I brought up the feeling of me being unheard and misunderstood during our session, and mentioned how it's been on my mind since I left. She said she sensed that I had some of those feelings toward the end. I said how I felt like we kinda argued a bit, and that was frustrating. She said she didn't feel like we were arguing, but she respected that as my view.

After I said my piece, she said she wants to revisit some of those feelings the next time we see each other. Also, she felt like we left room to discuss my SI issue deeper than we have in the past, which is a good thing. She said as far as the here and now, she wants me to know that she's glad I came to her about this, so she can try and maintain the safe environment that we've created. And she said that our relationship remains the same and is unaffected by this.

I think this is HUGE for me. We've never talked about "us" and our relationship before. It was really reassuring to know that she's not pissed at me, and that our relationship is fine. That takes a HUGE load off my chest. Also, it's really cool that this is the first time she's ever mentioned our relationship before. It feels good, I have to admit.

My t is pretty hard-nosed and confrontational, so it doesn't bother me. In fact, I prefer a t who's that way because I am incredibly stubborn. I need to be pushed.

I mean, I do too to an extent. She just came on a bit too strong, I think. You have to understand, she's not usually this hardcore, so can you imagine my shock at all? It's different when you know your T is tough...

I see your point 100% fallen. I think I would want to crawl into a hole if my T suddenly took a confrontational approach. I am so glad you talkked to her and feel better.

just my $0.02, farmergirl, but i think you have a soft heart under all that seeming stubbornness.

Awe, thanks! My t in college wrote a letter of recommendation for me and used the word "tenacious". Nothing like a slight change in connotation to make things look better.

I've always chosen male t's because I need that toughness in my therapy. The softness of the female t's I've encountered just gave me the creeps.

(Sorry for the threadjack fallenangel)

I am glad to hear you touched based with your therapist. It's important to learn that sometimes in relationships boundaries get crossed and then how to let each other know, forgive, that it isn't fatal and move forward. You are a very resilient person and I am happy for you. I can see growth potential in you. I really am proud to have had the opportunity to see some of this process. It has given me insight in how I work through reading how others work and this is no different. Up and down as life goes.

Well keep us posted on what happens, always now the people jere at PC are here for you

I'm in a puddle of mush right now, thank you all.

A good idea is to get a different T also. Different opinions help too.

I am SO GLAD you talked to your T.....What an awesome conversation! And KUDOS to you for speaking up and getting the message across. THAT is huge!!!!



(As an aside, Farmergirl, some co-workers of mine came up with a word to describe me - "sardonic" - LOL....Nothing like being referred to as a word that is derived from a plant that causes a facial expression of laughter then ultimately death. )

Thank you! I'm SO shocked that I was able to go through with it, but I'm SO glad I did. I think we can take this and move forward farther than we have before.

I think in a weird sort of way, this even helped me progress on a personal level. Instead of following my impulsive desire to just call and terminate, or just ignore it altogether, I talked to her about it. I'm still working on this concept of "handling things like an adult," and I have to admit, I feel like this was a big step for me.

Im glad for you, Happy to hear. Keep us posted on everything