the rupture continues...

my T called me back finally last night, but I was asleep and missed the call. I woke up a bit later and listened to her voice mail, and then stupidly deleted it so I couldn't listen to it again this morning when I was properly awake.

I remember the content of her message but I'd like to listen again to see if her tone is as harsh as I remember it being. I feel like she is just reacting to my actions at this point and it's escalating, she seems to be reacting instead of responding. She's not showing any concern or interest in ME, just responded to one part of my message I had left her and ignored the rest of it, just like she did with the previous voicemail I left her.

I feel like I keep reaching out to her and we keep not connecting. I guess it's good that she called me back at all, right?

I'm just feeling so sad and alone this morning. There are workmen in the hall outside my apt making a lot of noise and that is very triggering to me. I feel so alone, like I have lost my "safe person" (as tree would say ). T was/is the first person I have had ever in my life that validated how I felt and responded and made me feel like some of my PTSD issues weren't just me being crazy, that it's understandable given my history. Now I feel like I've lost that so I'm sad on top of being triggered.

I keep telling myself not to call her again, to give her some time to have some space, to wait and let it rest until my session on Tues but I feel so alone and scared and more than anything I want to know what I did to cause this.

I'm sorry Z! Maybe she is still learning to not be defensive with stuff like this? It is something that needs to be learned. I think there is still hope for working on this relationship!

Like you said, you weren't awake when you listened to the message so it's very possible you aren't remembering the whole message or what you are remembering isn't quite accurate. Don't consider this necessarily a rupture. You may very well be reading more into what you sort of heard when you were only somewhat awake.

It IS very good that she called you back. She cares about you.

But if it feels like a rupture I think that you need to work on this with your T.

you know, people have interesting relationships with their T. they are SO important in our lives, they really are. like you said, talking to your T was the first time you really felt validated. that is a very important relationship to you... so it's no wonder that you feel strong emotions about her and around her.

like farmergirl said though, you weren't fully awake. the smog of sleep sometimes affects our perceptions, especially vocal perceptions.

and like sannah said as well, if it truly feels like a rupture you should ABSOLUTELY bring it up and work it out. you wont go very much further in your therapy if your feelings towards your T are distracting.

hugs from me

Zoo,

When I read your post, I felt like I was reading my own words. I'm in the same exact place you are. Trying to communicate with T and her reacting to me. I just want you to know you are not alone.

((((((Zoo))))) Well, either she wasnt being harsh or she is reacting as you said. This is really difficult.

I dont think I could wait until tuesday to resolve this or at least to understand. What do you think about leaving her a message that said pretty much what you posted. That you dont know if this is a rupture and you feel as if you have lost your safe person. To me, even if T is working on these issues, you are not her T and she really should be responding you as your therapist. This is not a game-playing type of relationship. That you should give her her space etc... I dont think its a terrible idea to tell her everything- that you deleted the message in a half-sleep and possibly misinterpreted her tone and you are anxious about how she might feel toward you etc. Tues seems like and eternity.

I know she's in group right now so if I call her now I could probably have a chance to leave her a message and then she can call me back at her leisure again. I really want to try to work things out between us, I guess I'm afraid she's going to say "what, why, work out what, it's all in your head" but yeah. Tuesday is a loooong ways away. A long time to sit with this.
I'm kind of scared & nervous of what to say, if anybody reads this right away and wants to give me any ideas that'd be so great!!

ok well I just called her and said that I feel like there's some tension or problem between her and I and I don't understand that but it feels really bad and I need to talk to her about it. I took your advice, blue, and said that in a lot of ways she's my "safe person" (I've never said that to her before ) and now I feel like I've lost that and I'm scared. Also that I'd like to let it rest until I see her on Tues but I don't think I can sit with feeling like this until then, and I asked her to call me back and said "this is what I need to talk to you about" because I've called her a few times earlier this week and it seems like she has been able to sort of deflect the point of my call from being about our relationship to something else.

I don't know if she's doing that on purpose or even if it's all just in my head and I'm blowing it all out of proportion. I HOPE I'm blowing some stupid little thing out of proportion, really.
now just to wait for her to call back... :eyeroll:

wow Zoo! You did great! I think she will call you back and you'll feel better. You said exactly how you feel and that is what she can respond to. I cant imagine, from the sound of your T, that she will say it is all in your head. (I guess you can tell her, yes, its in my head...thats where the problem is!)

Keep me posted tonight...I'll be on and off here....

ok, she just called me, and can I say...PHEW. After all week of rupture after rupture and every time I heard from her it just made things worse, finally, finally I heard from my T, the T I have learned to trust and depend on. Finally, she said what I needed to hear.

I just feel like I can breathe now, when I got off the phone the first thing I did was take a HUGE DEEP breathe and then burst into tears, lol!

She apologized and said that if I was picking up on tension or frustration from her, it's because she's "not the best compartmentalizer" but that it had nothing to do with me and that I just need to trust her that she will tell me if it IS me. Which I know she will, she has no problem with confronting me on therapy-interfering behavior.

I'm pretty sure that was the first time I've heard her use those exact words "trust me" and wow, it felt good. Is that ok? Part of me doesn't want to trust that but part of me really, really does. I've never had somebody I could trust that didn't end up hurting me. I will not forget the sound of her voice telling me "trust me".

She was also really validating about me learning to trust my gut with things like this, that it's ok to ask, that I can ask her every time I think I've done something wrong or I sense something weird between us, that that's how I will learn to trust the instincts that I was born with but that were taken away from me by my life experiences.

She also asked me if had SIed during this, or used drugs or alcohol, and I did not. I got through this, as hard as it was, being present with my emotions the whole time. She really reinforced that, which of course felt good.

I am almost overwhelmed with the feeling that I don't deserve this kind of...caring? Someone who will just be the same, all the time? Who wants what's best for me? Who wants to help me, just because I'm a person and I'm worth helping? I don't feel like I deserve it.

So I'm kind of laughing/crying/a mess right now. I feel so much better though, and thank you SO MUCH, all of you PC friends, I know I posted about this a LOT this week and thank you for your patience and your encouragement and your .

And bluemoon, thank you for telling me that Tues seemed like an eternity to you, that's what really made me go "yeah, that IS a freaking long time to feel like CRAP" and decide to call T again tonight.

zoo - we are donig a happy dance with you !!!!! YIPPIE !!!!

now bank those words from T and recall them when you need them :-)
And EXCELLENT work reaching back out to T !!!!

Zoo-
I'm so glad you were able to talk to T and clear this all up. You deserve to be cared about by someone who is consistent. Continue to take care of yourself.

Z, what absolute great news!!! You did it!!! You continued to work on this until you resolved it!!! Yah!!!! Great Work!!!!

*sigh of relief*

I've been following along, and I'm SO glad you kept at it until it was resolved. May you have a peaceful, connected, spiral-free weekend

to you!

Zoo! I am so glad she said all the things you needed to hear. I like your T I had a feeling she would explain her behavior and hear you. What is great is that you DID pick up on something with her and that she told you she isnt a great compartmentalizer. You can trust yourself, you know? There was something there, but it wasnt YOU. That has been a huge lesson for me to learn in this life.

And you do deserve this kind of caring, explanations, and respect. She respected who you are and didnt dismiss you. I know when I get that from a T, I am always surprised I have been taken seriously, taken at my word and responded to according to what I said. Its so simple, but it blows me away. I am so used to being dismissed and having to struggle to be heard or understood that when I dont have to struggle to be taken seriously, it almost makes me want to cry.

Oh, and....yeah...tues would be an ETERNITY to me, too! If Im upset about something? YIPES! You did the exact, right thing, Zoo. Now you can breeeeeathe......

I'm so happy for you that you finally got things straightened out with T. I know that feeling of relief when it all works out and you can breathe again. Enjoy the good feelings knowing you really can trust T, she is there for you!

"Someone who will just be the same, all the time..."

That sums up everything I've ever wanted, from my parents, from my lovers, from friends and teachers and therapists. I can count on one hand the number of times I've ever gotten it! Anyway, I'm so happy it worked out for you! Especially since you were so worried.