[squared]

I have a female therapist (for about a year) - who started out as a couples therapist and then it evolved into her seeing me alone. She is married and there is no sexual interest whatsoever. We have a lot in common and she became increasingly available to me - text, email, calls - the relationship that we were in couples about ended - she was seeing me on the side and encouraging me to end the relationship. She was concerned about me on a long holiday weekend immediately post the breakup- not concerned for my well being but to keep me distracted so I would not go back to the ex. She invited me to spend the weekend at the house with her and her family. I went because I was lonely and like many say in therapy relationships - we have lots in common and get along - same sense of humor, blah blah blah. Anyhow I stayed at her house for 3 nights - met a family friend, we went to the gym - it was like staying with an old friend. On New Years Eve I went out with her and her husband for a drink - just like we were all buddies. She saw me after in therapy but more socially than not. She has expressed her disdain for my ex and implored me not to speak to him, block his vm, text, etc. He is not abusive - just maybe not the best choice for me. He has a lot of growing up to do. She diagnosed him to me - decided he was Borderline although he knew nothing of that diagnosis. I have found myself having to lie to her about my recent contact with him because she said if we got back together our therapy would be useless and go nowhere. I know we cant really be friends and I'm certain that trying to forge this friendship with me is serving her needs somehow. We've gone shopping together - went to a day spa. We even changed at the gym locker room together - so I've seen my therapist/friend naked. ugh She has an eating disordered history and I do too so I know that she has a special interest in me there. However, she makes jokes about eating and her body image issues - mostly putting herself down. I know that she thinks I am quite physically attractive and she likes to get makeup and fashion tips - we have a lot of similar interests - I have no family contact and she is quite nurturing - inside and outside of the office. It started months back when she initiated a "walking therapy" and we met to go for a long walk and talk. I had an inkling then that it was strange. Is there something I've done to open myself up to this sort of personal relationship? And I don't know what to say to her - about continued therapy. It's lose lose for me. I'm losing this pseudo-friendship and I can't imagine continuing therapy with her. I didnt off any explanation but I told her that I was considering a therapy break and she offered to hold my spot for a while until I decided. She texts me like a friend would and I'm not sure what to do or what to say to her. help

[skeksi]

I'm sorry you have been made so confused by this. You did NOTHING to bring this on. The therapist has the responsibility of keeping the relationship therapeutic, and not letting it cross the line away from therapy and into friendship or anything else.

However you decide to handle this, please know that you do not have to justify your decision to leave to her. You do not owe her an explanation, and although you may feel guilty or ashamed, you do not need to. Taking care of yourself by extricating yourself from this relationship is a really good idea.

I'm sorry this happened to you. Therapy is not supposed to get mixed up this way.

[fieldofdreams]

Wow. I agree with Skeksi. You did nothing wrong -- the professional boundaries are the T's responsibility to maintain. As painful as it may be, I would extricate myself from this relationship, too. She sounds like someone who still has some serious issues of her own to resolve.

[WePow]

OMG! Bless your heart!!!! She is wrong!! The T relationship is sacred. It is about trust and she crossed the line big time. I am so so sorry she did that to yoU!!!

[emilyjeanne]

Originally Posted by WePow

OMG! Bless your heart!!!! She is wrong!! The T relationship is sacred. It is about trust and she crossed the line big time. I am so so sorry she did that to yoU!!!

I agree with the others. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. You might want to seek out a new therapist before stopping this one. I only say that because when I stopped my abusive T relationship I was crushed and attempted suicide. We are here to support you.

[sunrise]

I can't imagine continuing therapy with her. I didnt off any explanation but I told her that I was considering a therapy break

It doesn't sound like she is your therapist anymore, so I can see why you're taking a break. I think it would do her and her other clients a service if you told her why you can't see her for therapy anymore. It's not something you have to do, though--you don't owe her an explanation.

[MissCharlotte]

It is clear that you know what to do because you said "I can't imagine continuing therapy with her." Also, you referred to a "psuedo-friendship." I want to assure you that you did not do anything wrong. In fact, you have been victimized by your therapist. The therapeutic relationship is intrinsically imbalanced and it is the therapist's responsibility to establish and maintain very clear professional boundaries. Your therapist has crossed over the line. I'm so sorry, but it appears that you know what to do--move on. Best wishes to you.

[chaotic13]

Wow, I guess this is one of the tangled webbs that can develop when the T-friend barrier gets crossed.

Let's assume that your T really didn't intend to get so involved in a personal friendship with you and truly cares about your well being. I kind of agree with Sunrise, as uncomfortable as it would be to do it seems like the best option is to be direct and tell her why her being your T is no longer possible for you.
It may help you fully end this relationship and possible help others who may end up seeing her in the future. I am NOT at all suggesting that it is your duty to protect others. I just think telling her how her actions have affected you might be one of those things that has a positive ripple effect in the long run.

Personally, I would not want to work my way through this VERY challenging situation alone...having another T to help you work through it might be helpful.

[looking4polaris]

Wow. I'm so sorry you have this struggle to deal with. You certainly haven't done anything wrong. That said, a therapist who is willing to get naked in front of a client seems to have some major boundary issues.

Now, you get the raw end of the deal because you can't have a proper T-patient relationship and you don't get a "real" friendship either.

I hope you will be willing to find another T who can help you process this awkward relationship and unfortunate position your T-friend has put you in.

Good luck.

[squared]

I sent her an email last night after she emailed me and asked if I was avoiding her - I had ignored a few of her texts and there has been some strange tension between us lately. After reading what you all have said in response (thank you) I poured back over some of our old emails/texts. She told me that she always wanted a little sister and that she has given me some stern directives regarding what to do with the ex - when I did tell her once that we had had sex during our break up (it was a 4 year relationship) she said I was just being a "FU** Hole" and asked if that is what I wanted to be - just a hole? That was an email. It's pretty messed up. Anyway, I emailed her and the following is how it went - I really hope she doesn't email back.
R,
I'm not avoiding you. I had thought we were going to see each other Monday and then Thursday. I'm not going to be coming in any more. I believe that the cross into friendship has ruined our therapeutic relationship. The odd mix of therapist/friend combined with the strong opinions that you have about me and what I should do make it impossible for me to be honest with you. You've made it abundantly clear what I "should" do and my therapy shouldn't include a fear of disappointing you or what your judgments are. We could never really be friends while I'm your patient and I can't cleanly be your patient while we are behaving like friends. In essence, our therapeutic relationship didn't stand a chance once the line was dissolved -I can't even say crossed. In my desperation to be taken care of and have some loving family, I was more than happy to let you take care of me and be surrounded by the warmth of your family, as you said. I drank it up as you would imagine However, it was misguided and a mistake. Your family is kind and you are a very kind caring fun person but within the context we met none of that should have ever happened. - see, you can't be a true friend to me - if I do what you disapprove of are we going to hang out and lunch? I can't be my authentic self while worrying about your opinions and the inequity in our outside relationship creates a setting where I can never truly be comfortable. I don't have to explain any of this to you but I do want you to know that what happened has me suffering another loss - I have lost any chance of a beneficial therapy and I have lost the comfort of you as a friend and pseudo-caregiver. It was a bad set up that ends up hurting me in the end. You said it's time to live in reality and let go of fantasy and I think that applies here as well. You're smart enough to know exactly what happened here. The whole thing about lee estridge really was the end of this for me. You did betrayed her trust, you did step way outside of your professional role and you ultimately did me a disservice and I'm sad. All of the risk you took - it wasn't just altruism - Something about me, this, I don't know - is you serving some need of yours. I'm not sure what but what you did with what you may have thought were good intentions ends up creating yet another loss for me.

This isn't intended to create more back and forth. None of this is accusatory and you don't need to defend yourself -I am sincerely saddened and would prefer you not respond. This is really hard for me to do.

[rainbow8]

((((squared))))

Your letter was breathtakingly honest and fair! You said what you had to and said it well. At this point I think you're healthier than this T is. You were so brave to send that email even though it was hard.

How are you feeling now that you sent it? I can imagine it will be hard to trust another T but there are so many good ones who will not violate the therapeutic relationship. It may be worthwhile to discuss what happened with this T when/if you see another one.

[fieldofdreams]

I think that was excellent, Squared. I know it's very painful but it seems like you have learned a lot already. You can recover from this, and please don't let it discourage you from seeing another T. Hopefully she will learn from this experience so she doesn't repeat this behavior with anyone else.

[chaotic13]

Wow! I think you conveyed your feelings directly and not in an attacking way. We seem to hear what you are saying so hopefully your T/friend/big sister/etc hopefully will to and leave you alone to heal from this.

I just hope now you can avoid blaming and attacking yourself for what happened. Just remember she was the professional with the psych training and could have avoided this situation.

excellent e mail! you did great...you said everything she should have said to you..if the roles were reversed.

what you did took guts and some internal fortitude...you knew what boundaries were..even if she didn't.

there are good t's out there..sometimes it just takes a little time to find one.

stumpy

What I find that is so sad about this is that it is (again) the client who figures this out, and does something about the unethical relationship. But look who is going to hurt the most now? Things went way beyond boundaries and for a long time. T's like this make me really feel sick. Have you thought about turning her in for her behavior? (or abuse) T's like this take a need a client has and uses it to gratify their own needs.
I wish you the best of luck, I am still trying to recover from a non ethical T, two years later, it is HARD. I would find a new T to work all of this out, it might get rough. I find your T's behavior deeply disturbing.

[TayQuincy]

I agree with exoticflower...it's so sad that the client is the one who bears the burden and the pain when professionals behave this way. It's a lose lose situation for the client. What about the therapist? And squared, you sound healthier then your therapist. what about those who aren't healthy enough to put an end to it themselves? Especially since the unethical behavior can often feel good to the patient, fill a need, etc. even when it ultimately damages the patient. When does it get to damage the therapist?

[WePow]

(((((((squared ))))))) You amaze me. That email was so powerful and strong. It was kind and yet firm. YOU stood up for YOU!!! WOW !!!! You are my hero!!

I am so sorry for your double loss with this and for the pain that this is causing you.
And I hope you do reach out and find a different T who can serve you as a real T does. They provide a service to help us heal. And there are very good healers out there in the world. Wow. That email of yours took guts. If she does reply, no matter what is said, remember that YOU called her out and all of us here on PC are in your corner. Keep sharing here if you want and we all will keep supporting you. You have found others who care and some like Exotic who have walked a mile in your shoes. Okies? :-) Safe hugs!

[kitten16]

This is a really good letter. Good for you!

She needed to hear everything you said. She just has to learn something from this. She sounds like a loose cannon...

I'm sorry you were hurt. Your strength is inspiring.

[skeksi]

I am SO SO SO impressed by your letter. Way to stand up for yourself!

[squared]

Thanks for all the nice words. What can I make of the fact that not only did she not respect my wish to not respond - she replied - saying simply that she was available to talk any time whenever should I change my mind. I didnt reply. Then today she sent me another lengthy email saying that we could easily "uncross" the line and she would like that and would I reconsider - and so forth. It's strange. I can't believe I got myself into this mess.

[emilyjeanne]

Originally Posted by squared

Thanks for all the nice words. What can I make of the fact that not only did she not respect my wish to not respond - she replied - saying simply that she was available to talk any time whenever should I change my mind. I didnt reply. Then today she sent me another lengthy email saying that we could easily "uncross" the line and she would like that and would I reconsider - and so forth. It's strange. I can't believe I got myself into this mess.

I am proud of you. This is not easy to do (I know because of my T crossing boundaries). Keep all the emails just in case you decide to report her to her licensing board. I'm not pushing you to do it. But you are more likely to be believed if you have evidence.

Keep your head up and let us know if you need support.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by squared

Thanks for all the nice words. What can I make of the fact that not only did she not respect my wish to not respond - she replied - saying simply that she was available to talk any time whenever should I change my mind. I didnt reply. Then today she sent me another lengthy email saying that we could easily "uncross" the line and she would like that and would I reconsider - and so forth. It's strange. I can't believe I got myself into this mess.

This is not a mess that you created. It was created for you. I think you know that you can not uncross that line. I think you are a very brave person for walking away from it.

It was very disrespectful that she ignored your request to not respond. If she continues, I would be very clear that you want her emails to cease and desist immediately.

Not all therapists are like this, in fact some maintain and respect boundaries and are consummate professionals at their craft. I hope that you will not let this sloppy and unethical therapist derail your recovery and that you find a good one to guide (not direct) your healing.

Again, this was no fault of yours.

[WePow]

Nods head in agreement with elliemay... this is in no way, shape, or form a mess you made. SHE made the mess. Let her live with it. Let her stay awake at night thinking about what she did and why it was wrong. Maybe that will allow her to learn a lesson she needs to understand. Ts can not just toy around with clients.
You went to her needing a professional. NOT a friend.
This is making me angry in a justified way - at her.
SHE needs to honor your requests and do what you have asked her to do.
It is NOT something she can undo or make right. She has already caused harm.
Please try to get a new T ASAP for your own sanity.
You will need a true professional to stand in your corner and help you walk out of the weeds that T has placed all around you.

[lovelylovely]

I agree with evryone here. This must of been a horribly, stressful situation to be in. You came to her for help and she has abused her position with you. It sounds very much like she is the one that needs to be talking to a professional and she is making a living abusing people's lives and emotions for her own benefit. For her to continue to reply to your letter even after you requested her not to, is well and truly disrespectful, she is now harassing you. I find it quite shocking that a therapist has harassed and attempted to control you. You seem to be the one offering her help. If she continues to contact you, I would seriously consider taking this further. It does indeed make me wonder about her training etc, nearly all therapists are councelled themselves before working with any client and there is a good reason for this. I'm so sorry you had to put up with her despicable behaviour.

[fieldofdreams]

Easily uncross the line, and SHE would like that? Wow. No, you cannot uncross the line and she is totally oblivious to the pain that SHE caused for you. Like others have said, keep all emails in case you need them as evidence. I know that you asked her not to respond in your email to her, but depending on the laws where you live, you may need to send her a separate and very firm request for no more contact of any kind, stating your intent to call the police if she does not respect your wishes. And if she continues to contact you, follow through so that she knows you are serious.