[kitten16]

I would post this in the Romantic Feelings For My Therapist area, but it seems like more people respond in this general psychotherapy place. So I'm appealing to you here. I'd just like your take on this.

I put my foot in my mouth at my session yesterday (so what else is new), and it's bugging me. I often make what I feel are social errors with my T in my sessions, but because my he's drummed it into me that I can do whatever I want and say anything that occurs to me, and that being in therapy should be transparent to him -- that it should feel like I'm just thinking, as if I were alone in my head -- I don't beat myself up too much about saying dumb things in there. If I did, I'd be beating myself up ALL the time. And T has been pretty accepting of my occasional dumbosity. (My social stupidity is one of the things I'm always trying to change, and it's part of what brought me into therapy in the first place.)

But I said something at the end of my session yesterday that really made me think I'd made a mistake! We went over the hour. I don't enjoy doing that, and I knew it was happening. I could tell, even though I don't check my watch, and can't see the clock unless I turn toward it. So my head is vibrating with, he's letting me go over, he's letting me go over. I hate that feeling. It's like a special privilege I'm getting, but the reward is so random. I never know why my T lets me go over in some sessions but not in others. And the randomness of it disturbs me. I don't know what I've done right.

What makes it worse is that T always makes a point of letting me know. He's all, "Wow, we went over this session!" Or, "Wow, I let us go over!" Why make such a deal out of it? I don't know if he means to, but he's reinforcing that sense of, good girl, you did good today, I'm enjoying you today, keep doing that, you're earning your keep, here's your little biscuit. Yuck!

All of my ancient parental approval issues rise up like a gigantic whale when he does this! I don't WANT to feel like I have to earn my T's approval, but there he is, randomly rewarding me. My parents did that too. They were toxic and unpredictable, rewarding me and punishing me alternately for the same kinds of things. I was afraid, life felt chaotic, and I walked around on eggshells. I never knew whether my parents were going to pet me and praise me, or start taking me apart like a rag doll. (They weren't alcoholics, but they behaved very much like people in the throes of that pathology.)

So I just hate the random schedule of reinforcement, and the mysteriousness of why my T lets me go over sometimes and not others. It deepens his mystery, makes him seem more powerful and unpredictable. And it aligns him with the worst things about my parents. Okay, I'm beating this thing to a pulp. You get it.

So my head is sort of spinning. I'm in a glow from the praise of, "Wow, I let you go over this time!" And I just blurt out: "Oh, that's because you love me! You love all this time we spend together!"

I actually said that.

Gah.

I wish I could forget it, because the look on my T's face was just -- awful. It was like he had this really bad stomach ache. His features just kind of crumpled up and he turned yellow. I'm not exaggerating. It was like I'd told him his dog died or something! I cannot forget his face! The memory of this thing is frickin' killing me here! I'm dying a thousand deaths every time I remember it, which is every couple of seconds today.

I'm wondering how, or even if, I should address this next time. I'm thinking that I won't say anything unless he brings it up. If I ever try to apologize for making him uncomfortable, he gets slightly pugnacious. He'll say, "You think I'm that fragile, you can knock me over with a feather? Like I did nothing but think about what you said to me a week ago?" So I don't want to expose myself to that stuff. I really don't need it. But I feel like I should try to say that I was aware that he was uncomfortable, and that I'm sorry.

I'm thinking I should scold him just a little bit. Why on earth did he react that way? Do I really have to explain that the things I say at the start and end of our sessions are just mindless pleasantries, stupid lame jokes I'm making, nothing significant? It kind of makes me angry, now that I think of it. Maybe my real issue here is that I'm angry that he made ME uncomfortable. He's the one who tells me I can say anything. And it was like he was going to expire on the spot. He lied to me! I'm pissed off!

This is way too long. I would love to have your thoughts on this. I'm really miserable and humiliated right now Just need a hug!

Originally Posted by kitten16

I would post this in the Romantic Feelings For My Therapist area, but it seems like more people respond in this general psychotherapy place. So I'm appealing to you here. I'd just like your take on this.

I put my foot in my mouth at my session yesterday (so what else is new), and it's bugging me. I often make what I feel are social errors with my T in my sessions, but because my he's drummed it into me that I can do whatever I want and say anything that occurs to me, and that being in therapy should be transparent to him -- that it should feel like I'm just thinking, as if I were alone in my head -- I don't beat myself up too much about saying dumb things in there. If I did, I'd be beating myself up ALL the time. And T has been pretty accepting of my occasional dumbosity. (My social stupidity is one of the things I'm always trying to change, and it's part of what brought me into therapy in the first place.)

But I said something at the end of my session yesterday that really made me think I'd made a mistake! We went over the hour. I don't enjoy doing that, and I knew it was happening. I could tell, even though I don't check my watch, and can't see the clock unless I turn toward it. So my head is vibrating with, he's letting me go over, he's letting me go over. I hate that feeling. It's like a special privilege I'm getting, but the reward is so random. I never know why my T lets me go over in some sessions but not in others. And the randomness of it disturbs me. I don't know what I've done right.

What makes it worse is that T always makes a point of letting me know. He's all, "Wow, we went over this session!" Or, "Wow, I let us go over!" Why make such a deal out of it? I don't know if he means to, but he's reinforcing that sense of, good girl, you did good today, I'm enjoying you today, keep doing that, you're earning your keep, here's your little biscuit. Yuck!

All of my ancient parental approval issues rise up like a gigantic whale when he does this! I don't WANT to feel like I have to earn my T's approval, but there he is, randomly rewarding me. My parents did that too. They were toxic and unpredictable, rewarding me and punishing me alternately for the same kinds of things. I was afraid, life felt chaotic, and I walked around on eggshells. I never knew whether my parents were going to pet me and praise me, or start taking me apart like a rag doll. (They weren't alcoholics, but they behaved very much like people in the throes of that pathology.)

So I just hate the random schedule of reinforcement, and the mysteriousness of why my T lets me go over sometimes and not others. It deepens his mystery, makes him seem more powerful and unpredictable. And it aligns him with the worst things about my parents. Okay, I'm beating this thing to a pulp. You get it.

So my head is sort of spinning. I'm in a glow from the praise of, "Wow, I let you go over this time!" And I just blurt out: "Oh, that's because you love me! You love all this time we spend together!"

I actually said that.

Gah.

I wish I could forget it, because the look on my T's face was just -- awful. It was like he had this really bad stomach ache. His features just kind of crumpled up and he turned yellow. I'm not exaggerating. It was like I'd told him his dog died or something! I cannot forget his face! The memory of this thing is frickin' killing me here! I'm dying a thousand deaths every time I remember it, which is every couple of seconds today.

I'm wondering how, or even if, I should address this next time. I'm thinking that I won't say anything unless he brings it up. If I ever try to apologize for making him uncomfortable, he gets slightly pugnacious. He'll say, "You think I'm that fragile, you can knock me over with a feather? Like I did nothing but think about what you said to me a week ago?" So I don't want to expose myself to that stuff. I really don't need it. But I feel like I should try to say that I was aware that he was uncomfortable, and that I'm sorry.

I'm thinking I should scold him just a little bit. Why on earth did he react that way? Do I really have to explain that the things I say at the start and end of our sessions are just mindless pleasantries, stupid lame jokes I'm making, nothing significant? It kind of makes me angry, now that I think of it. Maybe my real issue here is that I'm angry that he made ME uncomfortable. He's the one who tells me I can say anything. And it was like he was going to expire on the spot. He lied to me! I'm pissed off!

This is way too long. I would love to have your thoughts on this. I'm really miserable and humiliated right now Just need a hug!

It will work out, he may have been caught off guard and i am sorry you are feeling so bad about it but he not your parents, give him a chance to explain...please

[WePow]

(((((((((( Kitten )))))))))) You are such a wonderful writer! Wow. That would be a tough choice to bring it up or not. I would say to bring it up because you deserve to know what is going on. And if you need to have him give you a more structured approach that will help you in therapy - then I say that is what you should ask for.
But I say that to you while I am facing a similar problem with the hug issue! UGG! You describe things so well! Like you get random rewards and you are left trying to figure out why! That is how I feel when I get a hug then don't get one at the end of session! I want to bring it up - but I don't at the same time because I am afraid it will mean I just have to never get a hug from T again. That just leaves me feeling like there would be a wall there.

I sure do hope you are able to do whatever it is that is best for you to do in this situation!

Oh WOW, I hate when I leave a session replaying something I said over and over and over and over again in my mind. Ack.

I guess first of all, can you tell him how you feel when your session runs over? I don't like when mine runs over either, and I tend to keep an eye on the clock and wrap session up MYSELF when it gets near the end (control issues?? ). We do go over sometimes, but usually when I am in crisis or when we are DEEP into something and can't lighten it up in time to get me out in time. So, it doesn't feel that "random" to me - there is some rhyme and reason to it. I think it is a REALLY good insight that it feels to you like some kind of intermittent reward/punishment system, like the one you grew up with. I hope you can tell him that.

As far as the "you love me" comment....Do you think you read his reaction wrong? I read A LOT of things into my T's reactions that aren't there. Like...maybe he really DID have a stomach ache, you know? Generally, I'm right that *something* is going through T's mind, but I'm usually way off the mark on what that *something* is.

Sometimes when I know what T is going to say, I head him off at the pass and say it for him. So, if you want to bring this up with him, can you say "I know you are going to say 'I'm not so fragile you could knock me over with a feather' blah blah blah, but it seemed like you had some kind of reaction to what I said last week and it's really bugging me". And tell him.

As TORTUROUS as it can be to talk about this stuff, it's usually what moves my relationship with T forward...and when my relationship with T gets stronger and deeper, the rest of my therapy can move forward too.

[Melbadaze]

Kitten, I'm sure you will resolve this in your next session and am making a mental note to myself to look out for your next post up-dating this incident. *waiting with interest*

[pegasus]

((((((((( kitten ))))))))))

You are not the first or last person to say something like that, and he might have turned green/yellow because it's true! Ahhhhhhhhh!!!! Certainly worth discussing further.

[perpetuallysad]

You know, I'm a fairly sarcastic person, so had you said something like that to me, I would have thought you were being sarcastic, or funny. I'm sorry he had a bad reaction, but I would take it in the fashion it was given (at least it seems like what you are saying), and just accept it was a kidding kind of thing that he just didn't "get".

Don't be so hard on yourself.

And you are a fantastic writer. You paint a beautiful picture with your words.

[kitten16]

Thanks jbmomg!

Caught off guard -- good way of describing it. I hope that's all it was. Yeah, I'll ask him to explain. I think. If I get brave enough!

Thanks so much for the hugs!

Originally Posted by jbmomg

It will work out, he may have been caught off guard and i am sorry you are feeling so bad about it but he not your parents, give him a chance to explain...please

[kitten16]

Hi WePow!

Yes, I've been following your hug difficulties in therapy. I was also thinking it was similar to the random-reward stuff I go through.

Yeah, it's like a reward, and you're so helpless, just hoping your T will be able to sense what you need. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't! It's being put in that position that's so...infantilizing.

I'm fascinated by this hug thing, now that you mention it. I'm hijacking my own thread, but I'm curious -- so does your therapist always initiate the hug? It must make you feel kind of powerless. Maybe you could try to initiate? Or is that too scary? I wouldn't blame you if it was. I don't think I could do it myself I haven't tried anything physical at all with my T. He's never even shaken my hand. I left my wallet by mistake last time -- he didn't even hand it to me, just left it on his desk for me to pick up. I think he's a bit phobic, so I haven't tried to go there.

I do fantasize about him hugging me though!

WePow, thanks again for your input!

PS -- thanks for saying you like my writing! I'm not trying to be all writery on here or anything. I've just journaled a lot and gotten comfy with it. I hope it's not annoying to anybody

Originally Posted by WePow

(((((((((( Kitten )))))))))) You are such a wonderful writer! Wow. That would be a tough choice to bring it up or not. I would say to bring it up because you deserve to know what is going on. And if you need to have him give you a more structured approach that will help you in therapy - then I say that is what you should ask for.
But I say that to you while I am facing a similar problem with the hug issue! UGG! You describe things so well! Like you get random rewards and you are left trying to figure out why! That is how I feel when I get a hug then don't get one at the end of session! I want to bring it up - but I don't at the same time because I am afraid it will mean I just have to never get a hug from T again. That just leaves me feeling like there would be a wall there.

I sure do hope you are able to do whatever it is that is best for you to do in this situation!

[kitten16]

Tree -- Maybe he DID have a stomache ache -- LOL!!!

Yeah, maybe he didn't actually turn yellow. (It was more like chartreuse mixed with puce.) But he did get all crumply, and when I smiled he fell silent and turned to stare, kind of in shock, at the back of the sofa where I'd been sitting, as if to say: Wow, I really wish you hadn't said that, Kitten. Hm, sure wish we could go back in time and just do this whole thing OVAH! To where you DIDN'T JUST SAY THAT! But I'm probably reading into it, as you've hinted

He's denied my impressions of his behavior when I've called him out on things in the past -- not every time, but occasionally. So it'll be revealing how he spins this.

Hey, I'm definitely going to take your advice about keeping the sessions in line on my own. He always says to me: You don't have to monitor the time. But if he's not going to do it, I am. And I might tell him why, as you've suggested.

Thanks so much, Tree!

Originally Posted by treehouse

As far as the "you love me" comment....Do you think you read his reaction wrong? I read A LOT of things into my T's reactions that aren't there. Like...maybe he really DID have a stomach ache, you know?

[kitten16]

Thanks Mel! I know I'm the only person who can solve this stuff --

I kind of enjoy the fact that I can be a bit entertaining, or at least describe this stuff in an engaging way. It helps take me out of it, and to see it as something other than tragic

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

Kitten, I'm sure you will resolve this in your next session and am making a mental note to myself to look out for your next post up-dating this incident. *waiting with interest*

[kitten16]

Thanks Pegasus!

OMG!

Of course, the little Kitten inside me wants my T to love me more than anything.

The grown-up Kitten realizes that would make a huge hash out of everything, and might even bring my entire life around my ears -- depending on what the concerned parties did or didn't do about it.

My T tries to be objective above all else. He hates the thought that I've ever found him to be judgmental. So I'm always trying to persuade him that a huge part of what I seek from him is his judgment. He just doesn't get it. I need to know where he stands, what he thinks of me, where he thinks I should be going. He never states these things directly, but he sometimes reveals his attitudes and preferences and wishes. It's usually just a fleeting facial expression, or a question he'll pose unexpectedly.

And to be fair, he's even revealed (at my urging) that he likes me and wants to keep working with me. Okay, so I had to threaten to stop coming -- I don't usually use brass-knuckle techniques like that, but whaddaya know, it worked!

But I really don't want to know from the love thing. I REALLY don't want to be in love with the guy. And I sure as $hit don't want him to love me.

I don't think.

Or maybe I do. (sigh)

Thanks so much for your input and the hug!

Originally Posted by pegasus

((((((((( kitten ))))))))))

You are not the first or last person to say something like that, and he might have turned green/yellow because it's true! Ahhhhhhhhh!!!! Certainly worth discussing further.

[kitten16]

Perpetually -- yeah, I'm sarcastic too, and he's totally got to have realized that by now.

But he's been trained to take joking seriously. He says jokes and verbal slips and other kinds of mistakes all reveal deeper issues. He told me that (and I know a little bit about it from reading Freud and stuff.)

I can't fight city hall, but I find myself wanting to cry out right there in session: CRAP, T, can't you just lighten up a little! Sheesh!

He's explained projection before, so I assume he'll spin it like: Hm, well, it looks like you were projecting your feelings onto me. It's really you who are in love with me!

But I think he's so squeamish about this whole thing, he won't even want to face that. But I dunno. I should give him a chance to speak his piece, I suppose.

Thanks for the kind words!

Originally Posted by perpetuallysad

You know, I'm a fairly sarcastic person, so had you said something like that to me, I would have thought you were being sarcastic, or funny. I'm sorry he had a bad reaction, but I would take it in the fashion it was given (at least it seems like what you are saying), and just accept it was a kidding kind of thing that he just didn't "get".

Don't be so hard on yourself.

And you are a fantastic writer. You paint a beautiful picture with your words.

I hope you will also talk with him about the 'random reward' stuff. It is really great that you recognize that that is pushing parental buttons so to speak, And I'm sure it would be helpful for him to know that and for you to process some of that history as a result...

((((kitten))))!

I was thinking more about this random reward thing...with the longer sessions, hugs, etc.

Sometimes my T will sit with me on the couch if I ask him. Well, he ALWAYS will if I ask. Last summer, I was struggling, we were in rupture after rupture, and I could NOT find the words. It felt awful! I wanted him there but I couldn't ask. I finally left him a message and said "I am working so hard and doing everything I can and why won't you sit with me?!".

When we talked about it in session after that, he said that he NEVER wants sitting with me to be a "reward"....that he cares for me because I am ME, not because of what I do. The whole concept just overwhelmed me, because I have never been cared for in that way...I had the whole completely random reward/punishment thing going on in my childhood too.

We do hug at the end of session. I can't quite remember exactly how it started. But T kind of stands there and I walk into his arms and we hug and I leave. I get to decide. There have been a couple of times after really hard sesions when I have been giving off "don't touch me, I hate you" vibes, and T has said "we usually hug at the end of session....." and sort of left it up to me. I usually hug him. I like being the one in control.

I don't like the fact that you feel like you're being randomly rewarded/punished! I hope T will be open to talking about it.

[WePow]

Tree - thanks zillions for what you just said :-) Food for thought!!

Kitten - thanks for your reply :-) It is so strange about the whole hug thing. It was something that first happened from him asking if it was ok to give me a hug at the end of a very hard session. I said "Yes" and it made the whole day better. Then as time went on, I was asking him for a hug. He would give me one. Then one day he did not give me a hug because of the paperwork he was doing but I figured out that was my trigger. I had to figure out the transference part of it and realized it was due to "daddy" issues resulting from the CSA. My mom would not "allow" my dad to hug me and would get mad at ME for my dad's inapropriate response to me as a child!

Anywho... the session after I did not get a hug, I asked T if I could give him a hug. He said "No. But I can give you a hug." That was wonderful and it was his way of showing positive parent/authority stuff that he is in charge and can provide for me. Not me trying to provide for T. And all that stems from the whole emotional incest junk I am dealing with. But then the last time he just stood there. It was one of the hardest sessions ever and I may well have been looking very unsafe or "DON'T TOUCH ME!" ... But what I saw in my heart was the no hug was a punishment because I told him the icky junk and now I was bad and bad girls don't get hugs from daddy (sic). That was yesterday.

I kept emailing T since last night because the flashback stuff was too much to handle. He wrote back twice yesterday to assure me that I did nothing to deserve what my ex-H did to me. So that was good. Anyway, no response at all today but I am totally exhausted from the trauma flashback junk last night and have been sleeping most of the day. But reading your post really did help me think about stuff today in a different way. And I realized that I was subconsciously thinking T was being "teaching" to me the bad way my ex-H was. Ex-H would be cruel and say he was doing it "to teach me how to be strong."

So after reading what you said, I really think I thought T was not hugging me in order to teach me a lesson. Of course that line of thinking makes me emotionally just back off and now I really don't want to ever talk with T again as long as I live. But I know it is transference. But then I think "what if it is not transference but the truth?"

So now I just decided to not care either way and just drop the whole hug issue and not even talk with him about it in session tommorow. I don't know. I should. But just not worth the effort right now.

I will be watching your post to see how you do with the punishment/reward topic!!

((((kitten))))

[kitten16]

You're right, Ripley. I need to address this with my T.

I have a fear of criticizing him. And I do get a little glow when he lets me go over. It makes me feel special. He's good about changing his behavior if I don't like it, so I know he'll stop the going-over thing instantly if I make the least noise about it.

I'm afraid to let go of that little reward, even though I hate needing it! I'll miss it. But I hate it! But I'll miss it...

Originally Posted by ripley

I hope you will also talk with him about the 'random reward' stuff. It is really great that you recognize that that is pushing parental buttons so to speak, And I'm sure it would be helpful for him to know that and for you to process some of that history as a result...

[kitten16]

WePow, yeah, that hugging dance you guys do -- it was kind of overwhelming just reading about it. I think you decided on the right thing. Too many associations with the past, too hard to keep it separate from your feelings about therapy and your T. Better to not do it for a while!

Thanks for your support! Yeah, I guess I need to bring all this stuff up with my T next time. I'm kind of dreading it. I'll do my best, and will faithfully make my next report in gory detail!

Originally Posted by WePow

Tree - thanks zillions for what you just said :-) Food for thought!!

Kitten - thanks for your reply :-) It is so strange about the whole hug thing. It was something that first happened from him asking if it was ok to give me a hug at the end of a very hard session. I said "Yes" and it made the whole day better. Then as time went on, I was asking him for a hug. He would give me one. Then one day he did not give me a hug because of the paperwork he was doing but I figured out that was my trigger. I had to figure out the transference part of it and realized it was due to "daddy" issues resulting from the CSA. My mom would not "allow" my dad to hug me and would get mad at ME for my dad's inapropriate response to me as a child!

Anywho... the session after I did not get a hug, I asked T if I could give him a hug. He said "No. But I can give you a hug." That was wonderful and it was his way of showing positive parent/authority stuff that he is in charge and can provide for me. Not me trying to provide for T. And all that stems from the whole emotional incest junk I am dealing with. But then the last time he just stood there. It was one of the hardest sessions ever and I may well have been looking very unsafe or "DON'T TOUCH ME!" ... But what I saw in my heart was the no hug was a punishment because I told him the icky junk and now I was bad and bad girls don't get hugs from daddy (sic). That was yesterday.

I kept emailing T since last night because the flashback stuff was too much to handle. He wrote back twice yesterday to assure me that I did nothing to deserve what my ex-H did to me. So that was good. Anyway, no response at all today but I am totally exhausted from the trauma flashback junk last night and have been sleeping most of the day. But reading your post really did help me think about stuff today in a different way. And I realized that I was subconsciously thinking T was being "teaching" to me the bad way my ex-H was. Ex-H would be cruel and say he was doing it "to teach me how to be strong."

So after reading what you said, I really think I thought T was not hugging me in order to teach me a lesson. Of course that line of thinking makes me emotionally just back off and now I really don't want to ever talk with T again as long as I live. But I know it is transference. But then I think "what if it is not transference but the truth?"

So now I just decided to not care either way and just drop the whole hug issue and not even talk with him about it in session tommorow. I don't know. I should. But just not worth the effort right now.

I will be watching your post to see how you do with the punishment/reward topic!!

((((kitten))))

[kitten16]

Treehouse--interesting that you've made that breakthrough over the reward thing. That is so great!

I envy your situation. I would prefer it if my T would sit next to me on the couch. He's way too far away. He seems really phobic around me physically though. I'm not ready to ask him. (I don't want to see that light chartreuse color again for a while if I can help it)

Thanks for your hugs and support!

Originally Posted by treehouse

((((kitten))))!

I was thinking more about this random reward thing...with the longer sessions, hugs, etc.

Sometimes my T will sit with me on the couch if I ask him. Well, he ALWAYS will if I ask. Last summer, I was struggling, we were in rupture after rupture, and I could NOT find the words. It felt awful! I wanted him there but I couldn't ask. I finally left him a message and said "I am working so hard and doing everything I can and why won't you sit with me?!".

When we talked about it in session after that, he said that he NEVER wants sitting with me to be a "reward"....that he cares for me because I am ME, not because of what I do. The whole concept just overwhelmed me, because I have never been cared for in that way...I had the whole completely random reward/punishment thing going on in my childhood too.

We do hug at the end of session. I can't quite remember exactly how it started. But T kind of stands there and I walk into his arms and we hug and I leave. I get to decide. There have been a couple of times after really hard sesions when I have been giving off "don't touch me, I hate you" vibes, and T has said "we usually hug at the end of session....." and sort of left it up to me. I usually hug him. I like being the one in control.

I don't like the fact that you feel like you're being randomly rewarded/punished! I hope T will be open to talking about it.

[WePow]

Kitten, just an idea here - but you could always use my hug example as an icebreaker to ask your T about the whole time issue. :-)

[kitten16]

Hm, thanks WePow! I might do that...

I have talked with my T a little bit about this board. I don't know why I was afraid to mention it. I think I was hoping he wouldn't think I was "cheating" on him by posting here! He said he thought it was fine -- it meant that the process of therapy is important to me. (phew)

Originally Posted by WePow

Kitten, just an idea here - but you could always use my hug example as an icebreaker to ask your T about the whole time issue. :-)

[WePow]

Kitten - did not want to make this a new thread since it is really not something I want to get into... but did want to give you an update since you care... But today T did not offer a hug either. I did feel disconnected with T and now even more than ever. I know T cares and hug therapy is not on his website so not sure why it matters. But now I just resigned myself to accepting that it is what it is not. There is now internal stuff about this I will not bring up with him. So not sure how it will impact future therapy. But I can't afford the energy to care either. Just another confirmation of the reality of life for me. Oh well. But wanted to let you know how this story ended.
<-- me running from my problems as usual!!

Originally Posted by WePow

There is now internal stuff about this I will not bring up with him.

(((((((((WePow)))))))))))

Ugh, painful I know that I would probably start spiraling out about all kinds of reasons I wasn't getting the hug...heck, T left me a message this morning that sounded "off" and I actually called to ask about it because I could tell I was going to spiral about that. Therapy isn't like "normal" life, relationships, interactions. Everything is kind of under a microscope...and that's okay, and how it's supposed to be.

So. I am wondering what messages you are telling yourself about why there was no hug? My guess is they are so much more harsh than whatever the reality is. Are you sure you can't bring it up with T?

[WePow]

Thanks Tree (((( tree ))) I am not sure. I think it is what Kitten described though with the punishment / reward. I am kinda playing chicken and want to see how it goes for Kitten with her T!

[FooZe]

Hi Kitten, I don't think we've met before but perhaps you'll let me put in my two cents' worth of "what if" anyway.

Originally Posted by kitten16

So my head is sort of spinning. I'm in a glow from the praise of, "Wow, I let you go over this time!" And I just blurt out: "Oh, that's because you love me! You love all this time we spend together!"

I imagine your T trying to sort out, in the five seconds or so he figured he had available, whether there was any possible way to ask you what you'd meant, that wouldn't take another whole session to finish answering.

I don't think his response meant you shouldn't have said it -- only that it wasn't clear to him how much you were being straight and how much something else like sarcastic, and he figured it was his job to know.

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Ding! Please deposit another two cents.