struggling

really super cold
in chaos
ppl coming to check apt for bed bugs - no exceptions
don't want ppl in my place.
don't want to BE here with them
embarrassed about my kids' stuff (internals)
don't want them in here alone
tried to make hot dogs for dinner - totally reacted and broke down sobbing.
injured
have no one to call. can't call t - no use.
can't call my one support person (don't want to wear her out).
crisis lines useless.
moving things around for ppl tomorrow (still had boxes unpacked from move).
now even living room looks foreign.
really don't want ppl here and don't want to be alone.

Sorry to hear. I can relate to some of the living space stuff. I had to do a big clean 2 days ago b/c building mgmt is coming in to look at the plumbing of everyone. I only cleaned the direct spaces they needed; leaving the embarassingly bad rest of it as is. Having others come into one's living space is a very big boundary crossing and tough to deal with for me.

Why are t, crisis line, etc. useless?

A support person is there to be used, isn't s/he?

I'm very worried and wish I could say something helpful.

i'm worried too =( last time i called (when I told her in advance I would need to) she said that that is what hospitals are for (people feeling out of control) or i can call my support people.

my support people? wth is t there for?? why call her when she is not helpful? so i didn't bother calling her.
when i call crisis lines, they tell me to call t.

(((((Kiya)))))

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad and that you feel like you have no support. I can understand not wanting people in your apt. I'm like that too.

I agree with imapatient. Why can't you call t or a crisis line, or your support person? That's what they are for!!! You've also got us here. You can keep posting. Can someone be there with you when the bug people come tomorrow?

Wishing you happy thoughts and sending you hugs to get through the day tomorrow.....

I'm sorry I've forgotten what's happened with your T and why she's not helpful????? I remember reading your threads, but not details.

we have to put our pets in the bathroom and let this dog sniff around for bed bugs. I've only been here 2 months and i think they did one right as i was moving in ( i found the note when i came with more stuff) and was SO EMBARRASSED that they saw my stuff
it said put away all food - they better not spray in here - maybe that explains why i'm sick....
i'm already feeling unsafe - like exposed.
sitting here on the floor, chin to knees, trying to hide.
hate strangers in my space.
everyone i know works all day - no one to be here.
thanks for good wishes.

Kiya:

nummd in more "bad copin skill" ways. several. just emailed t to "let her know" since that seems to be all she will allow.
i am not sure i can care anymore about therapy. this is too big to merely put a bandaid on while it heals itself. and if i can't get the help i evidently need, and there's no appropriate "out" then i might as well leave all the masks and dissociative walls up. There are some people out there (who deal with what I do) that are fortunate enough to find a great t AND have that t stick with them all the way.
I'd like one please - or i'm done.

kiya, is this an emergency (i.e., are you at risk of harming yourself) or is this something you just need support for?

if it is an emergency, then you do need to get to ER. T cannot help with that, and i think that is all she was trying to say last time. if it is just that you need some help, some support right now, then i would give her a call because i suspect she is more than happy to provide it.

we have the fire safety guys coming next tuesday - i told my friend i can't make it (i have uni) but i'm glad i can pass it off onto her. i will also be keeping my bedroom door closed so they can't do anything. i'm wondering if your agent can drop by instead? over here i don't think they can legally enforce that a renter must be present - just whoever owns/is in charge of the unit.

(((((((((((((Kiya))))))))))))))))) sweetie, please be kind to yourself. I know your scared but they are only going to be there a few minutes and then they will leave. I live in a rental apt and we have folks come and fumigate every four months or so. Remind yourself that they are helping to make your space safer. You wouldn't want beg bugs, would you? They recently put up a sign for beg bugs in Times Square and believe you don't want those. I know so well that it feels unsafe and intrusive. Those are feelings from the past remember? I'll keep you company while these helpers come and make your space safer for you. PM as much as you want. You're not alone. So many people here care about you. As for T, just reach out to her that's what she is there for.

Kiya,

It sounds like a scary situation.
Last week after bedtime my son came to me because he was scared.....of a lot of things. I couldn't fix it for him, I couldn't take away his fears. But I could give him a hug, let him know I was there and that I was sure everything would be ok.
No, your T and other support people can't fix it, but they can be there for you and show their concern, their support and their caring for you, and remind your that there are other things you can do (like the ER) instead of harming yourself.
They can be there so maybe you don't feel so alone with your fears.
Please reach out to them! You are not alone!
I hope you feel better soon.

(((((((((((((kiya)))))))))))))

A friend in AA has been telling me "your feelings are REAL"...and I don't know why, but that calms things down for me a little. I guess because it takes away any "I shouldn't feel like this" or "I'm not doing a good job" or "Other people could handle this" or whatever spiraly thought I might add on to the feeling. It's real. I'm scared.

One thing I'm learning in therapy is that just because I am scared, it doesn't mean I'm not safe. I feel scared a lot...some things (like movie theaters and voices in the hall outside of T's office) make me feel REALLY scared...but I'm still safe. I'm just at the theater to see a movie, and the voices outside of T's office are just the other T's and their clients going down the hall. Nothing from the past can come to hurt me now.

I wish you could have someone come over while the people are there, I know that would make it a lot easier. Could you call and talk to someone on the phone WHILE they are there? Even if it's a crisis line? Just say you're scared, you have people coming in your apt, and you just need someone to chit chat with to get through it. I always feel safer when I have to have people in my house if I am on the phone with someone.

LOTS of safe to you, kiya. You're not alone.

((((((( kiya ))))))))))) We are sorry that this is happening. Hope you will be able to ride out this storm without any SH. Take care of you and the littles.

Kiya, you're in a very, very difficult place right now, incl. therapy.

Can you keep the bed bug visit isolated from the bigger picture? Just bear down and get through it for what'll be probably just a few minutes and now that as soon as they're gone, your space is your space again? I guess I'm trying to say don't make the visit more difficult than it is by thinking about your T problems.

awww Kiya

I can really relate to being freaked out by having people in your place. I get the same way, and if I knew someone was coming to do some sort of inspection like that I would be majorly triggered. I'm sorry.
I'm also sorry you are having to SI in order to cope. I can relate to that too. You are in such a hard place right now, Kiya, and I wish I could make it easier for you. I'm glad you emailed your T. I know how hard it is to keep reaching out when you are hurting, and especially when you feel like you have been pushed off in some way (like by T telling you to rely on other people). I just want to encourage you to keep reaching out, even if it hurts, even if it's hard. You don't have to be alone in this.

Kiya, I can see that having a stranger in your appt. was very triggering. I hope you can talk to T about this and problem solve it. I'm so sorry that you had to go through this......

I was going to say the bug ppl just left - but I see now it's been 45 minutes.
Thankfully, a friend of mine is in spring break this week and wanted to do lunch - so i asked her to be here with me. we ran and had a quick bite to eat, and were back in time for the 1-2:15 "put your pet in the bathroom - we will come in - there are no exceptions" - and they didn't show. So we went to the park for an hour until she was suddenly worried about my cat.
We came back and they had just completed my buliding (of the three) and were glad to see us arrive. "You the one with the cat? we tried to catch it but... " They asked if i could contain him so they could come in.
When I went to get him from under the couch i got hissed at, and I bet they did too =) They take a dog around, so pets have to be contained.
THey sniffed around the entire place and left and my friend delayed her departure long enough for that. *whew*. I am still dissociated and having to retype every word in here.

As for T... she did not respond to my email last night. And the secondary T did not get in touch with me yesterday like she said she would. I was hoping to see her this week. I've been trying to since last Friday.
I am working on not falling into "See what happens?!? I TRY to be proactive and NOTHING happens. So why bother." I see regular T tomorrow morning.

**** could trigger********* but doubtful?????






"so why bother?" because you are worth it. you deserve to have a life without fear and with a gentle, caring and concerned T.... you deserve it you are worthwhile... please hang in there and be safe with yourself. i too struggle with si feelings and sometimes go there but it doesn't make sense for both of us to feel rotten, so for the rest of this week I will feel rotten for both of us and this week your job is too feel safe, happy and do whatever makes you smile

heard from T: I am sorry you are having a hard time. We will certainly need to discuss how to handle challenging times in general. I hope tonight goes okay. I will see you tomorrow. T

Im from a place where bed bugs and lice are a part of life. Im not sure Im understanding something. why are they using dogs to sniff for bed bugs. bed bugs arent like drugs they dont give off a scent. they are like lice. they live of biting people. and lay eggs. you find them just like you do when you are looking for head and body lice and you treat them with shampoos, and pesticides like the roach killing guys have like you do when you find lice.

heres a great website link about bed bugs.

http://www.medicinenet.com/bed_bugs/article.htm

Maybe they said it was for bed bug but the dogs make me think they may be looking for something other than bed bugs. never heard of dog sniffing out lice and bed bugs before. heard of dogs being used to sniff out drugs though.

just read the rest of this after I replied oops. glad everything turned out ok.

Keep trying to get what you need Kiya...........

Hope it was a good session today for you, Kiya.

Sorry I came to this a bit late..... I don't recall seeing this post before.... yipes sometimes I get confused.....

anyway-- OH! I'm sorry those people had to come into your place...... I would be so so upset!! I struggle to have people in my home too.

I'm glad it's over for you and I hope that you are doing OK and that you had a talk with your T. today and found the support you needed.... I'm hoping.... hoping.

fins

that's what we thought too (my friend and I). but sure enough, there's an article in Vancouver that they are on the cutting edge of dogs smelling out bed bugs - and I guess it has become near epidemic. On the truck, it says all about the dog and what she does! Who knew!