Anxious about probably seeing Bt in RL

Next week there is a strong possibility I will see Bt and I can't avoid it. I don't have a session with my new T before then. Due to circumstances, I'm missing 3 weeks. I am having those anxious/excited feelings. I never got over them and we haven't discussed that part too much yet. I posted in Peaches' thread--it's like her seeing her former friend. I get stirred up thinking about it.

I'm also very anxious about my grandson's upcoming heart surgery. He's still a baby so it's scary. Bt knows all about him, so I wish I could get comforted by her.

I know I will feel disappointed when I see her, and it will bring up all of those feelings. There's no way I can avoid seeing her. It will only be for about an hour, and I don't have to talk to her except to say hi. Maybe I won't see her, but I probably will. If I don't, I'll be disappointed, so I see this as a 'no win' situation. What should I do?

Why do you have to go? I see no reason why you can't avoid it if you really wanted to. It doesn't sound like a healthy situation if you already know you will feel disappointed and that you will wish for comforting from her. You're stirred up even thinking about it. Now if you were going and thought you would be okay with just a quick hello if you run into her, then that would seem healthy.

Anyway, the bottom line is that you want more than you are probably going to get from her and you say you already know you are going to feel disappointed. Why torture yourself?

ps. I am the queen of avoidance, so I know there is almost nothing that can't be avoided! LOL

Good point from TayQuincy. .

So this first time it will be awkward and hard and feelings will be stirred up.. and then the next time it will not be the first time, so it will be a smidgeon easier, and the time after that it might begin to feel familiar.

All this familiar began as something unfamiliar. It's a process with a good ending!

I wonder if there is a part of you that *really* wants to see her. Like TayQuincy I don't understand how you can not avoid it - I am always very creative about finding ways to avoid awkward / stressful situations too!

But you know, if you can't get out of it there's a sure fire way to not be disappointed - expect nothing. In that situation there is likely nothing she can give you anyway.

Luce wrote: That struck me, also. That dynamic, where you really really want (??caring??) from a place you can't get it -- that always seems like it's very powerful for you.

Well, anyway, good luck with this.

-Far

"sit with the feelings" as they say.

You know how you're going to feel, and you're probably right. So it will be painful and difficult, but - you can manage it.

So just watch yourself, watch the feelings, observe them, observe yourself, see if you can pull up a deeper understanding of all this.

Etc. Etc.

Take care,

-Far

Thanks for the replies.
Tay, you're right. I could probably avoid seeing her, but the desire to see her outweighs my rational thoughts. I know it's torturing myself, but that's why I've always called it an addiction.

Thanks for the hug, ruffy. Yes, TayQuincy made a good point.

ECHOES, it's not the first time though it's the first time seeing her in RL since I have a new T. I just wish I weren't missing so much therapy now. Maybe I will email my new T about the situation, or wait and see how I feel first, and if this encounter happens or not.

Luce--Yes!! A part of me wants to see her very badly. Just because I accepted that she can't help me as a T anymore doesn't erase my feelings for her. I wish it did! If I expect nothing I'm still going to be stirred up by seeing her, but that's good advice. Or maybe I will expect to feel stirred up and just live with the feelings.

Far, you're exactly right about how I feel and how I will feel if I see her. I know she will talk to me for a few minutes, and ask how I am, and I can tell her I like IFS, and tell her I'm scared about my grandson. I know she still cares about me. I have to decide that will be enough for me because I have another T now, to work out those feelings. Maybe it's good this came up so I can discuss that part in more detail at my next session.

That's why you need to just stay away from the situation.

I'm not sure what you mean by stirred up. Do you mean you will be upset? She is no longer your therapist so it could be very hard to see her knowing you will never be in therapy with her again. Do you think at some point you will be sad about that and grieve your loss of her? Is that partly what you mean by stirred up--emotions like sadness and longing for the "old days"? Sometimes grief can feel overwhelming, but I'm not sure if you are sad... I have found it really helpful to process grief with my T. Whatever feelings come up, I think talking about them with your new T will help.

sunrise--no, when I say "stirred up" I don't mean that I miss the "old days" though that may be part of it. I mean that I want to be with her, and want her to be everything she can't be to me. It's transference. Seeing her stirs up all of those feelings of wanting her. Maybe it's preverbal because I can't describe it well.

I've done a lot of grieving for having to give up the relationship I wished I could have with her. Grieving about giving up therapy with her is not such of an issue because I realize that she can't help me anymore.

I'm just going to play it by ear and see how I feel when I see her. I'm thinking that my feelings will be my next topic for therapy, which is my main issue anyway.

Rainbow,

I think ACCEPTANCE is the key word. Accepting that you're going to have feelings for her. . .accepting that she can't be "everything" for you. . .and accepting the relationship for what it is now. Since you see her occasionally in your real life because she's a member of your shared religious community, complete avoidance probably isn't possible. That's why i think acceptance is the key. Sitting with your feelings, sitting with the experience, validating that your emotions and needs are real, but also accepting that it's not always possible or healthy to have everything we want.