[Chronic]

I find it difficult opening up to T. We speak about this regularly, but nothing seems to help. Part for the reason is that I am so concerned about what he will think of me if I tell him what's really going on. I KNOW that whatever I tell T he will be fine with- he wont do all the things I am scared of him doing (rejecting/ridiculing etc etc). I know this is all about me.

Anyway, it got me thinking how much bigger these things are to us as patients/clients, and whether T really cares about these big risks we take with them. They are not involved with us except for that therapy hour, so does what we say or do really have any effect on them? Do they really care when we struggle week after week to get through the days/weeks/therapy hour? I know Ts are supportive, understanding and accepting, but do they sit there wishing we would just say what we had to say because they hear what we withold every day?

[sittingatwatersedge]

For every hour in a classroom, a teacher / trainer / academic will spend much more than that outside the classroom; researching, thinking about the "journey" so far and the way forward, and making plans. I think that the t's do that also - and it's magnified because each client is a different experience entirely - different topics, different subject to work with who has unique needs / capabilities / challenges...

it's true they have probably heard it all, after a number of years, but that's to your benefit. And I really don't believe they can do this work well - effectively - without putting their hearts into it. my $0.02
this is for you ((((((((((((((((((((( chronic )))))))))))))))))))))))

[Perna]

They don't hear what we withhold, because they can't read minds. They only have the part of us we share with them; they don't do as much "imagining" as we do about what we're going to say, what we're feeling, who's on first :-)

Our story is just ours, the theme may be similar to others but the details aren't the same; think of all the books you've read with the same plot but remember how very different they are! They're excited to be reading the book of you but can only go as fast as you turn the pages, there's no way to skip ahead.

It took a long time before I really "got it" that T cares about me deeply and genuinely. I was very good at telling myself "she cares just because it is her job to care."

I don't know what made it finally click for me. The evidence was always there, but I just wasn't able to see it for a long time. I think it really hit home one session when T had just gotten back from vacation and she said that she saw a book in a store and it made her think of me...It wasn't a therapy-related book. It was just something that she thought I would really enjoy reading.

Do you have any objective evidence of T's caring for you? Can you think back to anything--a warm smile or kind words or a voicemail/email or anything like that?

I've actually asked T before if she cares. I wonder if you can ask?

[mobius]

I find it difficult opening up to T. We speak about this regularly, but nothing seems to help. Part for the reason is that I am so concerned about what he will think of me if I tell him what's really going on. I KNOW that whatever I tell T he will be fine with- he wont do all the things I am scared of him doing (rejecting/ridiculing etc etc). I know this is all about me.

Chronic, when you say you speak about this regularly, do you mean that it's difficult to open up or why it's difficult to open up (i.e., your worries - that you experience on a feeling, not an intellectual level - about what he might do or how he might respond)? When I read the first part of your post, the first thing that jumped to mind was shame. I've been told in the past that the only way to deal with shame is to expose it, to talk about it over and over, until it loses some of its edge. Shame is about feeling bad to the core (been there, still doing it sometimes), and often carrying the belief that no one *really* cares. I've noticed over the years that I've been on kind of a journey with several different therapists. Through one especially caring therapeutic relationship I was able to downgrade the level of self-hatred I used to carry around with me all of the time, even though I doubted my therapist's caring all the time. Now I'm with a different therapist, and I still doubt her caring too, though recently (after almost 3 years with her), I have started to notice little cracks in the certainty of my belief that she *doesn't* care. I've gotten direct feedback from her as well that what I say *does* matter, and that I impact her in a lot of ways.

[WePow]

It took a while for me to accept that T cared. It was safer to deny this or say he did not. The truth though shows in his eyes when we talk. He cares for me and I can now accept this fact with open arms. I may have had to pay to get the chance to know him and let him know me. But I also know that money could never buy what we have now and the honesty of the therapy relationship.

My t and my pdoc will often actually thank me for being open with them. They know it is a difficult process and acknowledge that to me with their thanks. And I know they do think about me at least now and then when I'm not right in front of them because they'll occasionally call me unrequested, or they'll mention having thought about my situation while they were doing something else. When t and I were talking about my need to decompress after a crisis, he related it to how he deals with me when I am in crisis. He is focused and in management mode (and nobody get in his way while he's in crisis management mode). It is after he knows that I am safe that he takes the time to "feel" about me and my situation. It meant a lot to me to hear him say that he does "feel" about me; in other word, he gets scared during those crises too.

[WePow]

wow Farmergirl! That is amazing. Thank you for sharing that!

[Chronic]

Thanks everyone for your replies.

For every hour in a classroom, a teacher / trainer / academic will spend much more than that outside the classroom; researching, thinking about the "journey" so far and the way forward, and making plans. I think that the t's do that also - and it's magnified because each client is a different experience entirely - different topics, different subject to work with who has unique needs / capabilities / challenges...

it's true they have probably heard it all, after a number of years, but that's to your benefit. And I really don't believe they can do this work well - effectively - without putting their hearts into it. my $0.02
this is for you ((((((((((((((((((((( chronic )))))))))))))))))))))))

Sittingatwatersedge- If anyone else posted my post, I would say exactly the same thing as you have said! But because its me, its different- T cant possibly care about me or do anymore thinking than when I am in session. Even though he has said he thought about me when he was on this or that course, or that part of his job as a T is to prepare for session 24 hours before. I just dont believe he would do those things for me- for all his other patients, yes, but not for me.

Thank you for the hugs

Do you have any objective evidence of T's caring for you? Can you think back to anything--a warm smile or kind words or a voicemail/email or anything like that?

I've actually asked T before if she cares. I wonder if you can ask?

Griffin- There are times that I can remember when T has been especially kind to me, like when he missed his daughter's first day of school so that he didnt have to reschedule out appointment, or when he winks at me when he is trying to lighten the mood, but none of it sinks in. I am so grateful for him doing these things, but I just dont believe that he really does care.

I think I need to ask T to care or show he cares more, but I cant tell him or ask him. Im just not at that point with him yet. And it really hurts to feel that he doesnt care as much as I need him to.

Chronic, when you say you speak about this regularly, do you mean that it's difficult to open up or why it's difficult to open up (i.e., your worries - that you experience on a feeling, not an intellectual level - about what he might do or how he might respond)? When I read the first part of your post, the first thing that jumped to mind was shame. I've been told in the past that the only way to deal with shame is to expose it, to talk about it over and over, until it loses some of its edge. Shame is about feeling bad to the core (been there, still doing it sometimes), and often carrying the belief that no one *really* cares.

Mobius- yes you are right, I dont believe that I am worth caring about at all, and that is confirmed in all areas of my life except for T. We talk about WHY its difficult, to try and make it less difficult- nothing working so far!

I am so glad that you found a T who has given you direct feedback about how you effect her life- that must be a lovely feeling

My t and my pdoc will often actually thank me for being open with them. They know it is a difficult process and acknowledge that to me with their thanks. And I know they do think about me at least now and then when I'm not right in front of them because they'll occasionally call me unrequested, or they'll mention having thought about my situation while they were doing something else. When t and I were talking about my need to decompress after a crisis, he related it to how he deals with me when I am in crisis. He is focused and in management mode (and nobody get in his way while he's in crisis management mode). It is after he knows that I am safe that he takes the time to "feel" about me and my situation. It meant a lot to me to hear him say that he does "feel" about me; in other word, he gets scared during those crises too.

Farmergirl- this made me cry! I am so jealous of the relationship you have with your T and p-doc. I want that! This is what I want SO much from T but I dont feel I get. I know it is for me to tell T this, that he cant read my mind, but I feel like I dont deserve anything from T- after all he listens to me in session- I shouldnt want or need any more than that

[possum220]

My T does care about me. The hard part is understanding that. If we weren't taught how to connect from our parents or significant parental figures while we were growing up then its really hard to 'get' that anybody cares. Our brain doesn't work like it should.

Chronic, I find that if I am not with a person then I cannot see their face. There is no connection. My T told me that its something that our brains need to learn.

So yes my T cares. (I asked him) I can tell this from the stuffed polar bear that I have in my possession from him. He has also given me a photo of himself so my brain can connect to him. I see his tears when I am talking to him. Can I really understand in my heart that he really cares? No. I am trying to learn though. DID doesn't help.

Chronic why don't you ask your T if they care? I bet the answer will surprise you.

I hope someday you can find the words and ask if T cares about you...I'll tell you the words I used, in case that is helpful. And I will tell you I have had to ask several times before it finally sank in.

Once, I said, "how do I know I'm not just another client to you?" T replied "You are never just another appointment in my day...you are G, and there is no one in the universe like you. I look forward to seeing you."

Another time I said, "It's your job to care about me...." T replied to that by saying "no amount of money in the world could force me to care about someone...I could not do this work if I did not genuinely care. I genuinely care about you, G..." and then she listed some of the reasons why she cares.

I also used to ask her if I was a burden to her and she said absolutely not. And then she told me that I can ask her that question every single day if I need to and she would be happy to reassure me as many times as it took to sink in.

Soooooo....as incredibly painful as it is, I wonder if you can ask if T cares. Write a note or muster up some words. Could you even hide your face or close your eyes and say it? I think eventually a small piece of the truth will sink in.

[velcro003]

oh chronic I feel ya! I do not believe my T cares about me in any other way than she has to do her job. I can't even bear the thought of me even wanting to worry about that, because that means I care about her! Lol. My thought process about this is WHY would she really care about me? I mean morethan just as a fellow human, but as ME. I see no reason for her to. I am a "difficult" patient, I resist sharing my feelings...and it must be like pulling teeth in there with me. I don't see any amazing or redeeming qualities that I have, and especially not in there where all I do is make life harder on myself.

Just yesterday I emailed her because I was having a really hard day at work, I didn't know how I was going to make it through without crying. She tried to set up an appt with me, but I couldn't make it, and then she asked if I would want to talk on the phone...and gave me her cell #! She made a typo though and I actually never got to talk with her, but she definitely didn't need to do that. And yet, I can't see that as "caring", I see it as her doing her job.

I'm not even sure why I'm writing this except to tell you I understand. Logically, my brain tells me it would be very difficult as a T to listen to someone's life story and not care about them. Making US understand that is totally different.

[gravyyy]

Sometimes I think about this exact thing too. But I figure it this way. I have about 30 patients I see every week (sometimes multiple times per week)... I'm a nurse not a T, but there's still some level of compassion and empathy you must have and a lot of the time patients are telling me deep, dark secrets. When I go home at the end of the day, I am still thinking about my patient... i think "I really like Mr X. He's in a tough situation, what else can I do to help him and his family?" Or on the other hand I have some really mean and difficult patients and I will come home and think, "What else can I possible do to not have Mr X hate me so much?" I'm honestly always thinking about my patients, of course some more than others, but my caring for them does not end when I leave the house.

In the past, before I started home care, I would wonder whether T thought about me outside of sessions. I never did ask, but a few times she would say, "I saw 'X' on TV and I thought about you." Or she would say, "I was thinking about what we talked about over the weekend....." By those comments I know she processes our sessions more than just when we're in the actualy session. Now that I have my own patients I have discovered that it is definitely true because I do it too. Honestly, unless you had the worst T in the world, rest assured that he/she thinks about you from time to time outside of sessions.

[granite1]

i am so far from being able to think my therapist cares about me or anything that happened to me in my life.i think it is a small part of my problem talking to her.my thiughts are this.
when i was younger if my mother didnt like something i said or a face i made she would take me and put my head in the toilet and flush saying i had a sewer mouth etc...when i was older i use to cut myself quite badly.soooo in maby talking to my T about things in my past i feel...if i do she listens to me goes home and eats dinner..i go home cut up my arms and give myself swirlys.why would i want to talk and i know she doesnt care how could she.
sorry about the analogey but it was the best way to describe that i dont believe a therapist could ever care about us as much as we care about the things that happened to us in the past