therapy hangovers

i've been stuck in therapy hangover since i saw austin-t yesterday. i barely got any sleep, and i feel sick to think it's almost bed time again. i kept waking up thinking about things, eck i get so grumpy when i don't sleep well.

we did sort things out, i think, kind of. he said he believed me when i said he'd said it was "always" hard to connect with me. that was nice - old-t used to deny things like that. he said what he should have said was that i've been very easy to connect with on some things, and that there are other things i've "always" been very hard to connect on. and that he wants those "always" things because those have been the times he's seen me most upset. he said he's seen me twice when i've been really really broken, and it was those times when i needed to open up to him more, not keep things inside. he did say he was really pleased that i have cried on those occassions with him though - at least i got the emotion out - even if i didn't tell him directly what was going on.

i think pdoc must've spoken to him a bit, because the session played out differently too . usually he asks all these questions straight up and it makes me feel awful, like clamming up, but yesterday he just said "what would you like to talk about" and let me take the lead .

so i brought up the connection thing and he said what he had meant to say. but he still said that he had to say it because other people would see me that way also, and i said but i dont talk about this stuff to anyone else. and he told me that was good!! and he told me about boundaries and how some of his clients need to work on not telling everyone everything. so then we talked about how i am with my friends and stuff, and how it becomes difficult to connect when i'm depressed but otherwise things are usually good.

and then there was this gross part where he wanted to talk about relationships . at first it was funny because he wanted to know about my last (and only) partner and he said "i'm assuming he was a guy" and so i set him right on that. and he paused and then he said "well, i am gay" and i had to not laugh because even blind betty could've figured that one out. he said he thought i was pretty and so why didnt i have a boyfriend now and we talked a little bit about that. but then he wanted to talk about sex stuff and that got really scary. and usually im very good at saying 'no' when i dont want to talk about something but i just went into panic. it was dreadful, i needed to self harm but he was sitting there and i didnt know what to do. he said he was sad that i didnt want to have a partner because partners fulfil a lot of needs for people. my head felt so slow, i felt so sad that it was hard for me to shake it to stop. but eventually he asked me if it was too hard and i nodded so he changed topic.

onto dad . he wanted to talk about what happened last year during exams. and he wanted to know if it had happened again this year when i was moving out, because he said he's only seen me really upset twice and the first time was when that was happening. and he said he wasnt going to say the words for me because i had to be the one to tell him.

he was such a *****. i give an inch and he takes a mile. but i told him how i wasnt sure if i was lying and stuff, and that was good because it was something i've wanted to talk about for a long time. at first he said he still believed me, but eventually he started asking me to tell him more and then he didnt seem so sure. he said it's difficult when i dissociate, and when things happen in the night, because how do i know if it's real or a dream or dissociation or one of those night time hallucinations?? but he also said i need to stop worrying about it - stop censoring myself through fear that i might be telling lies - and that he'd use his clinical judgement with me. he said even if it was my unconscious making all of this up, that it was pushing this stuff to the top because it was something i was scared about, that it was linked to my past. and i asked him what if i had always been this way - always making things up and finding it hard to keep separate and he asked me if i always had been and i said 'yes' but then i was too scared to say more.

and then i dont know what happened but eventually he was saying "we have to leave it there" and i was very confused about what had happened - where did things connect. and he was talking about something for me to reflect on, and i was confused about why i hadnt followed this conversation, but he said something about how he and pdoc were there for me to give the big stuff to so they could carry it for me while i lived my life until the next time i saw them. so maybe he was saying to reflect on that. and we made a new appt for next week and then he had to rush to a meeting but he told me again when we were leaving that he'd left me a lot to reflect on and... . but he was in a rush and i didnt want to say anything because i felt rather rude for not following, but at the same time it felt like maybe he had had this conversation by himself? because certainly it wasnt something i'd even been there for, or heard in the background while i was checking out. so. no clue.

eck. anyway. that's my big session run down from yesterday. i try to type here because otherwise i know i'll forget things, and it helps me to process, and it keeps it off my computer so no one else can get access to it. im kind of stuck with a lot of stuff from yesterday though, and im debating whether to ask for an earlier session or not (monday instead of thurs). the other option is to take some sleeping pills. i had a pretty crap night last night. not that usual heavy-after-therapy feeling, or feeling raw, just a lot of stuff and ugh.

i need to plan what to talk about next week too now (i hope he lets me be in charge next week again ) because i do want to talk about the 'making things up' stuff more, but i know i need to talk around it a bit more before i can give him evidence about why i've always been this way. i wish i could get everything over with faster. i hate this being drawn out.

thanks for reading this far if anyone got here .

Wow! What a session! No wonder you have trouble with sleep. Your mind has so much it is trying to sort through right now.

"i think pdoc must've spoken to him a bit, because the session played out differently too . usually he asks all these questions straight up and it makes me feel awful, like clamming up, but yesterday he just said "what would you like to talk about" and let me take the lead "

YIPPIE !!!!!!!!!!!! This is so awesome!!!!!

Big hugs to you!!!

Ohh my gosh, deli!

First of all, if austin-T thinks you have a hard time opening up, this session should have changed his mind because although this session was very difficult, I am seeing a wide-open deli right here! Look how much you can talk about when he lets you take the lead! I think it is SO brave of you to talk to him about the "making stuff up" part. I know for me this was SO SO SO hard to talk about (and I didn't tell ANY of the T's I worked with before my current T) because I was SO afraid I'd be labeled right then and there as a liar! I love austin-T's response to what you said so far.

As far as that weird gap in the session, is there any way you can ask austin-T what happened? It sounds to me like a dissoc moment where there is true amnesia.. I wonder if you talked about something that was too hard to remember? I know it would drive me crazy to feel that I lost part of a session in this way. I've never had total memory gaps, just "faraway" dissociating.

Next time, is there any way you can start out by saying, "Can I take the lead again today?" I know this is a super-assertive (and therefore difficult!) thing to say, but if you could say it, maybe you could get out of therapy what YOU want instead of what austin-T wants. And, maybe then, in the process, you could give austin-T what he wants, if he wants so much a wide-open deli.

Congratulations Deli. You really handled yourself well with being upfront and assertive. You showed courage with all of the fears you'd felt earlier. I like a lot of what Austin-T had to say. Blind Betty? Ha!

I wish he'd been more gentle and nurturing with you later in the session. Maybe he's no good at being warm & fuzzy?

I can relate to tuning out in session. Both my T's say I start to dissociate immediately everytime we start to talk about childhood trauma. I just can't follow the conversation. my attention shifts to some other topic in my mind. Prior T didn't recognize that pattern. Does Austin-T need to know about this with you so that he takes things slower and doesn't overwhelm you?

((((((((Deli))))))))

I am so glad that you had such a productive session with Austin-T. I'm sorry that you don't remember what happened at the end of session. I have that happen too. Sometimes I lose entire sessions. Not as much any more, but it used to happen all the time. It was scary to let T know that it was happening. But my T was totally cool about it. I'm sure Austin T will be also. It is a protective mechanism. Something was too much. It might have been the topic, or it might have been that you had already talked about so much hard stuff during the session that something a little hard (that you would have been fine with in another lighter session) just was too hard right then.

It sounds like you are feeling more connected with Austin-T. I hope that is the case. I'm glad that he clarified what he meant about you being distant. I know that when I am in a lot of pain I close down and distance myself from everyone to keep from getting hurt more.

I am so proud of you for working so hard with Austin-T.

Nice work, Deli I'm with imapatient on this one - seems like maybe it would be helpful for Austin-T to help you stay more regulated so that you don't become over-stimulated and feel the need to dissociate in session. Is there a way that you could signal him when you're starting to go away?

I ask that knowing that it can be *really* difficult to do. I dissociate mildly in sessions sometimes, and it's so hard to let my therapist know about it because I'm not always aware myself right away. And I've yet to figure out how to ask her to help me stay more grounded.

What she said.

thanks sweetie!! yes, the sleep is probably a therapy thing hey. it's been a long time since i've lost sleep over something i've said in therapy. i hope i get a good night's rest soon, but it's already 1am here and i don't want to try to sleep just yet.

ha. he told me as we were wrapping up that he'd been very easy with me and something about how we'd get more into the swing of things next week. and i finally got up the courage to say "actually, i think you pushed me really hard" and he paused to think and finally agreed. i dont know if he agreed just to avoid a rupture or if he reconsidered, but i thought i'm not coming back next week if it's only going to get worse. i need next week to be gentle. gosh. pdoc on the other hand is the most gentle person i know, so i'm glad i'm seeing him next. austin-t wanted to meet me on pdoc's day and i'm glad i said no because i wanted to see pdoc instead.

thanks (((((((jexa))))))). yeah, austin-t said he felt he'd learnt more about me than he ever had before, he was encouraging me to continue. i think i'll see what happens next time and if he starts with the heavy firing questions i'll try to say that part of the 'success' of last week was that i got to bring up my stuff first.
yes, i've never had complete amnesia before (apart from trauma situations, possibly) so i am a bit confused about what happened, if anything. i want to suss it out with austin-t, but chances are he won't remember. i have faraway dissociating, out of body stuff, or just make the outside world numb (so i can stay inside my body). so, e.g., when i was dissociating a lot with pdoc at one point at least i was aware he was talking, even if i didnt pay attention to the words. this was different - to the point where i'm not sure i spaced out at all? i'll check with him what happened next week.

i've had things in the past where ive forgotten sessions, or never really been present enough to begin with - but this was like... snapping back in and not even being aware that time had past. i thought i had been present the whole time, so it was disorienting to find out maybe i hadnt. does this happen to you googley? i'm a bit confused about where "i" was if i wasnt with austin-t.

im getting better at grounding myself when i recognise that its happening, but i dont know what happened here. i think maybe like googley said it was an overload or something and i must've just done it without realising. ive never, ever been pushed that much before. it was tough!! and i'd been proud of myself earlier for not self harming right when i needed it, but maybe the dissociation happened after because i didnt do the self harm. ugh.

i think i need to ask austin-t what happened, maybe i didnt dissociate at all and it's just that he hadnt said the whole thing he'd meant to say so it felt weird that way. i dont know.

i debated asking for an earlier session because this stuff is going through my head a lot, but eventually i decided i have too much uni work and i'd prefer to see pdoc first. i need some pdoc because he helps me relax.

thank you all for your replies .

Deli, you're being extremely level-headed and clear on this encounter despite how very difficult it amd the underlying material are.

Hi ((((((((deli))))))))))

When I lose time like that in session (just like you describe, not knowing I dissociated or that time has passed, but sort of dropping back in in the middle of a conversation), I do tell T, so he knows that I wasn't really there, and so I can find out what happened. T didn't always tell me if it was details of trauma stuff; he said when I was ready to know, I would "tell myself"...but he would tell me sort of the general outline of what we talked about.

You are doing GREAT work, deli. What a huge leap forward. I am so so glad that Austin-T is being different with you. I agree with jexa...if he starts in with the questions next week, can you just ask "can we do this like we did it last week?"

Lots and lots of to you, brave one

oh, thank you impy & tree - i didn't see your replies earlier. i just came back because i wanted to remind myself what happened last week, i see austin-t tomorrow morning (12hrs).

tree - yes, i would've told austin-t but we were wrapping up and i knew he was rushed for whatever was next. i will talk to him tomorrow about it, hopefully he remembers back a week!!! i talked to pdoc a bit about it today, though and he agreed that we probably did too much - i didn't tell pdoc what we had covered or anything, but pdoc said he's only seen me dissociate 2-3times ever, and even then i know which occassions he was referring to because i know i was doing that floating thing. so pdoc said it was a concern for him that i had blanked out completely and he encouraged me to tell austin-t firstly that it happened and secondly that we need to slow right down because it's no good for me to not remember things like that.

Darling D,

Have you had a chance to chill out, and just listen to some relaxing music, warm rose petals bath, and look at the stars and sunsets lately????? You know....take time to smell the roses stuff?? Therapy can be good chatting or listening to W..O..R..D..S from others and even your own talking to self. Sometimes we all need to just listen to the wind talk in the leaves, kitten's purring, and watch sparkling dew drops on cobwebs in the morning.

Hope you can find time to JUST BE A BEAUTIFUL CREATURE in CREATION.....and Take a BREATH OF REFRESHMENT.