T doesn't want letters

(hugs) my sweet sannah.i dont know what it reminds me of at all but i do know it seems like my T is a differnt person in my last few sessons and i'm kind of scared and confused by it.some things make me feel great and some things are scaring the crap out of me.usually i can guess what direction a T is going with something .but lately with T i am clueless.i dont know how she is getting in my head like the other day.or what she is doing to make me feel all brave about what i want to do in our next session (EVEN if it is only for that evening) what she is doing in sessions these days it is kind of throwing be off balance and not so sure i'm ok with it

Dear Granite,

It is so very hard to find words to match feelings and then to even think of speaking those words in front of someone, especially when it was never safe for us to do so. I like Perna and Echoes' ideas. I was thinking that maybe you could draw a picture for her and label it and that could be the beginning of offering her words.

There are also some great books out now for children who were victims of abuse. I hope I am not being too presumptious in suggesting these but here's a link to Amazon.com. Maybe you could pick one of these books to read to T or have T read it to you. Down on the bottom of the page are books about various kinds of abuse.

BTW I used to write T long letters and could never even dream of reading them to him. Letters are meant to be read by the reader, not the writer!

Take gentle care.

http://www.amazon.com/Words-Hurt-Hel...ref=pd_sim_b_5

Granite, it sounds like you are having the fear of the unknown with this T? When you could both sit quietly it gave you something to rely on, that you could predict her behavior and, therefore, stay safe? When you grow up with an abusive parent this is very scary, so now you are afraid when you can't predict someone's behavior? Plus a T is there to stir things up with you so that you can heal and you might be interpreting this as very invasive and scary?

I think that it is good that you leave therapy feeling brave and more hopeful, this is a good sign. Change, however, isn't flipping a switch, it is gradual and maybe this is why your old ways start seeping back in after a few days? This is a good start. All change is gradual (at least the good and permanent kind!).

Granite, you are going to get better. It is just going to take time and feel scary sometimes. But you will do it and it will happen eventually.

hi misscharlotet maybe at somepoint i will be able to read to T but i might order these books just because i do love childrens books and maybe it is possable i looked these up and they look interesting.im going to the university library to see if they would have them they have an awsome kids section.

OMG i have visions of my T pulling her hair out in a fit of frustration if i showed up with a drawing screaming NOT ANOTHER WAY TO AVOID USING WORDS.this was my first reaction but i bet that wouldnt happen because i made her 2 cards she has one and she just wanted to talk to me about it.i just made her another one and sent it with the letter she wants to read to me.the only problem is i am awfull at drawing.

sannah i liked the sitting quietly and i agree it is the fear of the unknown.i have been seeing T for over 8 months and i guess she has decided it is time to put the pressure on but i have no idea how to respond to it.i want to please her because i can totally feel her frustrationthat is why i sent her the letter back so she can read it to me.i figure it is worth a session of pure hell if she wont be frustrated with me.IDK it may backfire if i cant respond to her IDK maybe shell have something good to say.

Thanks for posting this. I get it, I am a non-verbal communicator. I have spent years in counseling just listening, and it got me nowhere. It is really frustrating. My heart goes out to you, and I hope and pray that you can get thru it somehow. It's encouraging to see that I'm not the only one like this.

Granite, where are your needs in all of this?

I know you were raised with your needs being nonexistent by the mother.

You need to respond according to what you need now.

When you were growing up you had to focus on what the mother needed to try to stay safe.

You, therefore, developed being outwardly focused on others. To be healthy you need to be inwardly focused.

sannah i really dont know why this letter i wrote is so important to her but she has brought it up in the last three sessions .belive me i will just dissapear and let her read it.she did this once with the other letter i wrote her.i'm just trying really hard to just feel she must know what she is doing.and for some reason this is important to her and i hope that she has my needs in mind with all this.i can sit through it in T,i'm really good at checking out, but my fear comes with the fall out after. when she is home enjoying her evening and i start to think about everything i herd her say in T.i cant write her another letter or call her or anything again ill just feel out of controle and scared

Maybe she is just willing to try anything and she isn't sure what will work with you? This is your therapy and you have every right to direct it. You can take the lead and she will be there to help you.

If you disappear during your therapy what good is that?

You hope that she has your needs in mind? I'm sure that she has very good intentions but the only person who will be the best at your needs is YOU.

The best antidote for feeling out of control and scared is being empowered. The first step to being empowered is moving forward with your needs.

It isn't so simple, however. Focusing on your needs can bring forward all sorts of fears like punishment, withdrawal of love, etc. What comes to mind when you think about meeting your needs? Does it bring fear?

IDK right now i just want her to read the thing and get it over with.she wants me to see that nothing bad is going to happen if she reads my angry words or something like that.what i want to know is how does she know that.i did send her a card that i made with the letter saying have a good vacation.i figure if i am sending her horrable words maybe she wont get so angry if i send her nice ones also.
i thik what i need is for her not to be so frustrated with me.i really am trying harder then i have ever before to work with her.i have been able to stay with her the longes out of all the T i have seen.i blew the las one off after about 8 sessons.and she is telling me she isnt going anyplace.i decided i'm going to give her untill i get back from cancun and then put a lot of thought into if she is the right T for me.the real problem is me not the T and would it be any differnt with abother T because it hasnt been

granite, this is great that you know this. You have identified a reason why her reading the letter is so stressful and why her pressuring you to talk is so stressful. Please tell your T exactly that sentence: "I need you not to be so frustrated with me." Then she can work to help make sure you are confident she will not be frustrated and it will help her monitor her own reactions so that she doesn't express exactly what you don't need: frustration. I have been trying for a number of months to tell my T something and we have worked a lot (hard work, he calls it) on why I am having difficulty telling him. My main fear turns out to be I am sure he will be judgmental about what I am telling him. We have worked a lot on this, going back to issues with my mother being judgmental about this exact same thing. I have needed this work in order to move closer to being able to tell him. But if I didn't tell him that worry--that he would be judgmental--he wouldn't have known what we needed to work on to move me closer. Do you think you can tell your T that you need her to not be frustrated with you?

you know sunrise it sounds like it should be easy but it isn't.i know that you already know how hard saying this one thing would be.i really need to put thought into the words i use and i wonder if a person is frustrated i dont know if me just saying dont be frustrated will make her stop it will just make her hide it more.i really want her to understand me and not be so frustrated at me but i cant open my stupid mouth to stop this spiral from happening.to help her understand.who knows i dont see how but maybe this letter will help her.i have seen her for 8 months now and she know nothing about me and my past or even things i do now.i cant open my mouth to tell her.i mean i feel a lot safer with her now then i did 8 months ago and i thought i was doing ok because i was able to atleast speak one sentance to her about what was in my head.but my last session it seemed like i was wrong and she is really pushing me.