I am having a REALLY hard time finding my footing right now. I've been in conflict with almost everyone in my life for the past week, and since I am the common denominator, I'm sure it's me, but I'm really, truly not sure what I'm doing wrong. And I'm starting to get a feeling that the harder I try, the worse it gets. I don't know. It's hard, and I'm tired of feeling scared and stressed and sad.

And, of course, since I have therapy once a week now, I'm having to muddle through it on my own. TOTALLY on my own, since anyone I would normally reach out to (besides T) is someone I'm in some kind of conflict or disconnect with.

T has told me forever that I can leave as many voice mails and send as many e-mails as I want, and he will reply if I specifically ask him to. He's really emphasized that since we started making this transition down to once a week.

But the thing is, I've called/e-mailed a few times already this week and asked for a response once already (and he responded, and it was really helpful). Tonight I e-mailed him, and I really wanted to ask for a response. My H got SUPER angry out of the blue tonight, literally during a moment when I was feeling like we were all happy and my guard was SO down, and that is way way way triggering for me. I'm not even sure why he's mad, although we've talked a little. The whole atmosphere in the house changed from happy to stressful and scary. I e-mailed T, but I didn't ask for a reply. I know he is REALLY busy right now outside of work, and I'm afraid he won't have time to reply before my session on Thursday, and it will feel really yucky. So instead of risking it, I just didn't ask, and I feel sad.

I feel SO alone. I wish there was a way I could magically know whether or not he would reply, because I could really use some connection with him right now.

Anyhow, I guess I'm venting. So thanks for listening.

[rainbow8]

I may be wrong, but I think if you tell your T you need a reply before your session on Thursday, he will do it. Of course that means he has to write tomorrow. Does he usually answer your emails the same day? I'm sorry you're having a hard time with so many people.

[sittingatwatersedge]

((((((((((((((((((((((( tree )))))))))))))))))))))))))

here for you Treehouse.

[jexa]

Tree -- ever heard the expression, when it rains, it pours? Sometimes life is just like that. Just because you are IN all of these situations, doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. Right now, you are doing the best you can. Remember that you have skills to cope with conflict. You learned a lot from resolving your conflicts so healthily with your T. So do what you can with your adult skills to resolve these issues, and don't forget to breathe and ground yourself daily, but as these things play out, remember -- it's not you, it's just what's going on right now. It's not you, it's just the sh** that happened to hit the fan. In time, all will smooth over again. This "now" will pass.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by treehouse

My H got SUPER angry out of the blue tonight, literally during a moment when I was feeling like we were all happy and my guard was SO down, and that is way way way triggering for me. I'm not even sure why he's mad, although we've talked a little. The whole atmosphere in the house changed from happy to stressful and scary.

I think that's the PTSD. One element of an event that can contribute to its being traumatizing is surprise. We think one thing is going to happen and then out of the blue this other thing does. And the surprise/shock of that moment somehow helps embed the memory in a place it won't budge from. Then fast forward to present day and a surprise element can be triggering on its own. I too can get very scared and stressed when a negative thing surprises me. Someone being angry at me "out of the blue" would be much harder for me to handle than some just being angry at me. I would be scared and stressed out too. My T tries to do EMDR on this sort of thing (negative "surprise" experiences from childhood that got stuck).

Before my marriage broke up, there were many times I would not understand why my XH would suddenly be angry. We would be talking about something innocuous it seemed to me, and he would get mad and not say why. Towards the end I got braver and asked a couple of times why he was angry at me? What did I do? What did I say? I really did not know. And he would yell at me, "I am not angry at you!!" and I would cower. If he's not angry, why is he yelling at me? If he was really telling the truth and he was not angry, maybe it is a lesson for me that people can yell at you and look tense and have dagger eyes but not really be angry? I don't know. Maybe your H is not really mad at you, treehouse, but just acting in a way that you interpret as mad? I guess the best thing is to ask him, but I can see that would be scary too with the current atmosphere in the house.

I hope you are able to talk with your T before your session.

[Melbadaze]

perhaps the turmoil your feeling about going down to one session a week feels easier to manage if its put outside of you? Perhaps that's why you feel in conflict with everyone and yes of course those close to you will feel that and then if not aware will react to it? Hence your husbands flare up, but is it so unexpected if your as you say in conflict?

what comes first the conflict and then the need to contact T? Or the need to contact T and then the conflict? See my point? sorry you can't see T more often that is hard.

[googley]

(((((Tree))))))
I'm sorry you are having such a hard time right now. It sucks when everything seems to be falling apart at the same time. Shouldn't they have to wait in line? But you can get through this. I believe in you. Remember to breath as that is most important. T might be busy with other things in his life right now, but that does not mean if you ask for an email or a call back he is too busy to do that. He knew how busy his life would be when he offered.

[sugahorse1]

I'm sorry tree. I am in a similar boat. my bf suddenly has work issues and the tension he brings home is unbearable - hearing him rant at his colleagues, phoning his mom and ranting to her - the tension is too much for me to cope with.
In an attempt to explain to him how I was batlting with this tension and how i needed him to address the work issues, if for no-one, then at least my emotional state; I started a huge arguement that turned nasty. Maybe I was being selfish; I'm not in a good place right now.
Considering contacting T and seeing if she has any words to pull me out of this. I feel so helpless and depressed right now.

[darkrunner]

(((((Treehouse)))))

You've gotten a lot of good responses, and I just wanted to add some hugs,
....and a thought that I had:

Maybe as people in your life are seeing how you are changing and growing, it throws the relationship off-kilter and they are responding to that. Even maybe without them knowing.

So yes, you are the common denominator, but not because you are bad or you are doing something wrong, but because you are showing strength, peace, self-assurance, and even self-care. I am thinking that with all the hard work you've done in T, there would have to be some changes in you, in your day-to-day interactions with people.

It does all sound really stressful and scary - keep doing the best you can and remember to use your coping skills.
We are here for you, and T is too. I hope you will ask him for what you need. Remember - he is responsible for taking care of himself and he will do that. And it only takes a few minutes to leave a voicemail.

thanks

I do think some of it has to do with me changing. I'm more assertive than I used to be, and I don't want to be treated the way I used to let some people treat me. I think with the friend I had the HUGE conflict with on Tuesday AND with my H, that is part of the issue. Although the thing with H truly did come out of the blue...it was obviously something that's been building up.

And Sunny, I do think the H think was kind of PTSD related now that you mention it. I spent my childhood in SUCH fear all the time - to the point that I had to split off and create other parts of me to deal with some of it. There was NO way I could let my guard down and just let myself experience a happy moment, because I never knew what was coming next. And when I DID let my guard down, I usually ended up paying for it. Last night I had my guard WAY down, because that's what I am trying to learn to DO in therapy, and there it was - the anger out of nowhere. Blah and obviously it's nothing like the anger from my childhood, but it triggers that fear, and it's just scary

I am trying really hard to get refocused and just get through the day today. I barely slept last night, so I am TIRED. H went to work early this morning, so I only saw him for a few minutes this morning. I have a busy day, with lots of activities and stuff I have to do, and I have obligations until 8:30 tonight, so I'm just going to try to get through until then and keep my brain shut off.

I'm not going to call T I don't know what to do. I don't know if he'll think it's better if I muscle through it on my own or if I call and ask for what I need. I really don't.

[seventyeight]

(((((((treehouse))))))))

give him a call. that's what he's there for right? and it would probably really help. maybe you can just ask him to leave you a message like he does after session. if you're going less, then he's leaving less messages - so technically he owes ya one! but i think it would help to have something like that to help you through your day today. sending you warm wishes..

[granite1]

tree i really dont know what to add other then a lot of hugs an support and maybe email your t anyways he may surprise you

[WePow]

((((((( Tree ))))))))))) Sending you TONS of hugs for all you are facing today. And do send T emails - even if you don't ask for reply. I do that a whole bunch!! I sent 6 yesterday because of my flashback and just said "This is just be getting poison out of my system. Thank you for the ears and shoulder" and then I let it rip!!! It is SOOOOO cathardic for me because at least I know T HAS my "junk" and I somehow feal so much safer with that.

I left a message. I just don't feel like I have anyone IRL to talk to and I need reassurance. I need someone to tell me that it's okay, and that I'M okay and that it will get better.

I hope I don't end up regretting it.

[granite1]

tree you are ok and you are also ,by the way,a most amazing person.with all the conflict you may be having i see the most compashonite and careing person.and forwhatever reason these conflicts are arising i know that these traits about yourself are thare IRL also and others can see this also

[sittingatwatersedge]

It is OK!

and you are OK!!

and it will get better Tree!!!

really! you are still in there, working. Don't worry about asking for what you need to keep on. Love and prayers SAWE

[BlackCanary]

For me, when stuff starts to get tense at home, I have to connect with my husband. And I think you have learned from your T how to have this discussion? You can use your skills to work on this - your T has embedded knowledge in you and you can use the T's embedded help to do this, even if you don't get his response today.

So, maybe not muscle through, but gently sweep away?
Sit quietly, talk quietly, listen without fear or reactions or judgment.
With my H, this happens if I have taken on too much and I'm feeling resentful of his hours relaxin' on the laptop. If he is worn out by endless dishes. Sometimes he just wants some lovin' attention - my self-focus means he's not getting so much of it.

Sometimes it just helps to bring it out in the open that something isn't right, we are off balance. Even if we cannot resolve it right away, at least we can agree that something is "off". A first step?

T called.

I told him I don't know what I need. He said "maybe connection?". But I think I needed THERAPY, because I just started right in with everything that's going on and how I feel.

T said that there is SUCH a clear diving line between Chapter 1 and Chapter 2. That Chapter 1 was almost all internal - "from the skin in" - and that Chapter 2 is so external. He said that maybe chapter 2 is about learning about me with other people. Which sounds impossibly hard right now, but I know he's right.

I guess I feel better in that I know that T understands what's going on and how I'm feeling. Just being heard and understood is HUGE for me. Now I just have to hang on until tomorrow.

I think I feel a little disappointed. I really thought, during the last couple of years, that I would tell the story and I would finally be "all better". I see now that it's not that simple - there's still so much more work to do. It makes me feel SO messed up.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I think I feel a little disappointed. I really thought, during the last couple of years, that I would tell the story and I would finally be "all better". I see now that it's not that simple - there's still so much more work to do.

((((((((((((((((( tree)))))))))))))))

You were pretty cut up and iit's true, severe wounds will take some time to heal.

But NOTE: they do heal!!!!

[MissCharlotte]

(((((tree)))))

Sudden anger sounds scary. Take care of you. Tomorrow's Thursday and you will see T. How about going back to what we did in the beginning of therapy and write a long, long letter to T?

Take gentle care.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by sunrise

Before my marriage broke up, there were many times I would not understand why my XH would suddenly be angry. We would be talking about something innocuous it seemed to me, and he would get mad and not say why. Towards the end I got braver and asked a couple of times why he was angry at me? What did I do? What did I say? I really did not know. And he would yell at me, "I am not angry at you!!" and I would cower. If he's not angry, why is he yelling at me?

He did not say he was not angry; he said he was not angry at you. Could have been angry at someone else from his past; could have been angry at himself...

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by treehouse

Last night I had my guard WAY down, because that's what I am trying to learn to DO in therapy, and there it was - the anger out of nowhere.

His anger? Out of his past?

[pachyderm]

(((((treehouse))))) (((((sugahorse)))))

[Melbadaze]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I think I feel a little disappointed. I really thought, during the last couple of years, that I would tell the story and I would finally be "all better". I see now that it's not that simple - there's still so much more work to do. It makes me feel SO messed up.

Telling our story is one part, seeing how we grew distorted because of it is the other part, the part that takes so much time to unwind.

[WePow]

Originally Posted by treehouse

T called.

I think I feel a little disappointed. I really thought, during the last couple of years, that I would tell the story and I would finally be "all better". I see now that it's not that simple - there's still so much more work to do. It makes me feel SO messed up.

Tree - wow! You said almost EXACTLY what I said in session yesterday to my T !!!! OMG! I do understand this! I even told T - "I thought that with my trauma healing being over with that THIS bad flashback stuff would not happen anymore!" T said "Who said it was over with?" I literally stamped my feet like a little kid while crying and said "I WANT IT OVER WITH NOW!!"