choosing not to cope well?

Jexa,
A couple of times when I have been spiraling downward, my T has asked me, 'what is your goal? where are you going with this?'

For me it helped me to think of my actions in the big picture, and the consequences that could result from every decision I am making now.

We do choose our path. Even though it might not feel like it, Jexa, you are strong and in control of your actions.

((((((((((((jexa))))))))))))))

Can you focus on an hour at a time? When I am trying to stop a big coping mechanism that isn't good for me, sometimes a day seems SO LONG. But if I break it down "I just have to get to lunch", "I just have to get to 3", whatever, it helps a little, and I get to have these little successes along the way that help me keep going.

When I started T, I was using all kinds of bad coping stuff - ED, SI, pills - and as I worked through stuff and didn't need to use them anymore, T's level of caring never changed. I learned to tell him with my words how much it hurt, and I learned to ask for what I needed. You are so articulate, jexa...you have the words you need to tell T how much it hurts. When you are both focused on your SI, she won't have the chance to help you with the REAL hurt that you're feeling about her leaving. Give yourself the chance to work on that with her.

Please stay safe, sweet jexa.

For me, choosing not to cope well is easier. It's a "default" and I can just fall back into familiar behavior. It takes effort to cope well and, when I'm stressed already, that extra effort needed makes it even harder. I have to really want to practice coping well and make a conscious decision to do so, etc. But that's the only way it's going to get to be "default" like the old, bad stuff and the old, bad stuff will get less familiar. It's like giving up a bad habit/smoking, etc. sort of.

((((((Jexa)))))))

I am so glad you are going to try and stop. Trying is the best that we can do. Like Tree said. Take it a step at a time. Sometimes saying forever is too long. Breaking it up can make it seem more doable.

Not sure where you get your 40 from but it made me think of the season of Lent.

Here's an amazing jazz tune about 40 Days - I had the privilege to hear it live, Dave Brubeck and his quartet.


Let 40 be enough for you. Let this part of what you must endure be over.
Trust (in yourself) that if you put down the blade you will survive to the next hour and next day.
peace to you Jexa

Thanks darkrunner. I don't know where I'm going with this, what the goal is. Well, if I were to continue, I guess the goal would be to self-destruct. To say f*** it. Which would be intended to.. express something. To alleviate the self-hate somehow? I don't know. It's not a healthy goal anyway.

tree, thanks. I have a certain ritual that only happens in the bath so I think I can trick myself out of the SI if I tell myself I can't take a bath tonight -- I have to take a shower instead. Just tonight. For now. I can turn the shower on, not the bathwater. Just tonight.

I'm really scared to talk to T about the feelings underneath this. Oh no.. I'm going to have to do that.. I'm so freaking embarrassed. I'm an ADULT for Christ's sake. I feel so immature for needing her and being so reactive about this.

Perna, it's weird that this behavior came up as the default because I haven't SI regularly since age 14. Maybe T leaving me brought back my age 14 feelings? Dunno.

Thanks ((((googley)))) -- Yes forever is too long to think right now. I can't get rid of my blades, but I put them away rather than leaving them in the bathtub. So that should help. *sigh*

BlackCanary, I don't have sound on this computer but I will listen to that later 40 is indeed intended to be the same symbol that 40 days represents in Lent. Forty is symbolic of a test, a punishment, a waiting period, and rebirth. Keeping the scars at 40 will be very meaningful to me and will make me hate the scars less I think.

Just THINKING about not doing it tonight is SO HARD. Please everyone send me positive energy and healing thoughts. I've got to get through tonight somehow.

(((((jexa))))) I've had to give up baths entirely b/c I did so much SI in the tub that it became a trigger. I so understand that.

You CAN get through tonight. There are so many people here pulling for you, Jexa. Come here for support when it gets rough and you will find it. You can do it.

Sending postive energy and healing thoughts to you sweet jexa.

Sending you supportive thoughts, strength, and hope. You can do this. Not doing it the first time is the hardest (at least I think from personal experience). You can do this.

Thanks all. Yesterday is over - it's 1am now - so I made it so far. Question is, will I get to sleep tonight? My jaw is clenched, teeth grinding, biting my lips. Please let me sleeeeep.

Try to breath hun. Try to just listen to your breath for a while and unclench your body. You are a beautiful precious child of the universe. You can do all things. You can overcome all obsticles. You can conquer your fears. You can be free to be all that you want to be and do all that you want to do. You are invincible. This is your time. Your life. Your moment. Breath hun and speak the love. Sleep sweet girl. Be here with you in the morning.

I'm here. I made it through tonight.

((((Jexa)))) I'm so happy to hear that. I knew you could do it. So much love for you.

Well done! Each time you take control over those urges gives you more power to overcome them the next time! And they will weaken each time too.

Good for you! God surely did help you.

The symptom of self harm is not the problem, though it causes problems and is not the best way to cope, but it is a coping mechanism. (I know you know this, but it's good to be reminded. )

You're addressing the real issues in counseling I suspect, and you're sucessfully coping today! I'm proud of you.

I reread your initial post. I think now you do have a choice, to choose to cope better than by self harming. What do you think? Has the T given you better ways to cope during this time?

Therapy --healing-- is hard work. You grow stronger as you do this work. Hope you have a better day!

That's amazing, Jexa. Phew. Very well done. How are you feeling?

You don't have to be the grown up about this. It's what I did when my T said he was leaving - I was all mature and composed in sessions, and then not so composed outside of sessions, and now I still have all these feelings - welling up and spilling over.

I could not trust myself to get through the unbearable feelings so I tried to not have them. I didn't want to make a big immature display of feelings in front of my T, I didn't want him to remember me like that.

Please know that your experience now is helping me - I feel these difficult feelings with you and walk with you, hoping to know a better way on the other side. Yesterday in therapy with new girlT, I talked about some of my feelings, and I talked about your situation, your not wanting to make it hard for your T. It helped me explain how didn't want to make it hard for my T - he was leaving, there was no changing that fact, and I could be mature and let him remember how composed I was about the parting.

I think our feelings in therapy are always pretty adolescent, juvenile, so I'm not surprised to read you are feeling immature.
Tell T how much you are wanting to take care of her feelings, wanting to make the parting easier for her.
She also needs to know you cannot imagine how you'll do without her, because then she can help you figure out how it is possible.
40 is enough. Time to come out of the desert of pain and suffering and get some care, comfort, sustenance.

(((zoo))) Wow, thank you so much -- thanks everyone for riding along with me. I can't believe there is a place like PC. I really feel like you guys are here with me and it makes it somewhat easier to deal with all this.

JD, thanks for the congrats. I have bunches of healthy coping mechanisms my T and I have talked about, but.. I don't want to think I am being healthy right now. I'm going to try to stop cutting so my T is not sad anymore, and so that I can stop at 40 and keep the symbolism, but it just wouldn't motivate me to think I am doing good things for myself. I guess I'm still in self-destruct mode.

Ocean, I am feeling.. frustrated. Self-destructive. Like I want to replace the cutting with something else that is harmful. Last night I just ate a lot of junk food to make myself feel better. Better than cutting but it was with the intention of self-harm, so I'm not sure. My one friend IRL who knows about all this checked on me today to see if I got through the night without SI. When she congratulated me for getting through the night, I felt sick to my stomach and kind of angry. I don't want this to be an accomplishment. I don't want to succeed. But I will bite my tongue and get through this.

Thanks BlackCanary. I hate being such an adolescent but glad to know I am helping you. Does acting immature in therapy help us, or does it hinder our progress? I guess being honest about the way we feel is a way to progress, but sometimes it feels like it is just pedaling backward.

*sigh* I'm at work, avoiding work. So depressed today.

Wow. Have you thought of this sickness to your stomach, what that could be about? (Is this in response to your friend's congratulations?) And also, who you are angry with? Could it be your T?

Sounds like you're saying that there's something you've been needing to express or address and cutting is (so far) the only thing that comes close to expressing/addressing it for you. (No, I'm not going to guess at what it could be; you'll tell us more when you're good and ready.) If you give up cutting, you might as well be giving up on that issue too, so whoever talks you out of cutting is doing you a double-edged favor (if there's such a thing ).

So of course I'm wondering: could you find other ways to say whatever you say (to yourself or whoever) by cutting, that aren't so hard on you?

Jexa, I read (and tried) that if you eat something right before bed like an apple or bagel the teeth clenching and grinding will ease because you'll "exercise" your jaw with that and it will want to relax. The thing I read (might have been in Potatoes Not Prozac?) said clenching/grinding is like your brain twiddling it's thumbs and if you give your jaws something to do then the twiddling can't happen because your twiddlers will be worn out I tried it once or twice but slept through any improvements so don't know if it works.

I so get this reaction. What's up with this anyways hey? From the outside it doesn't make much sense. From the inside it is the reality. It might be a good one for the T. Why can't we acknowledge our own successes and why when someone else does do we feel upset and angry?

My first and most embarrassing thought is that if I am well I will drop off people's radar and no one will care about me anymore. That seems to me to be a child response suggesting my issues of abandonment are still active.

Another thought is that I am afraid I will disappoint them next time and that their acknowledgement is premature. It puts added pressure on me to please them. It makes me angry because it feels like my life story. Stiffle and perform. Keep everyone happy. Hide my truth. They don't get it and if I don't perform they will think less of me. Just smile and say thank you and stiffle the pain some more.

Still another thought is that I don't deserve praise for not behaving badly when deep down the only thing I really want to do or that I think can make me feel better involves behaving badly. Getting praised for good behaviour makes it that much harder to justify the bad behaviour that I am still so attached to. I am angry they are trying to take my unhealthy coping mechanism away from me.

And still another is that they just don't get how hard this is and one success does not a recovery make. Stop pressuring me!! Stop trying to make me feel good about myself. Stop thinking I am doing fine. I am not fine! I am not functioning. I will never be okay.

Whichever way I look at it I think my thoughts are coming from a victim mentality. The hurt child. The abandoned child. The rejected lover. The unappreciated friend. And on and on. I also think that I am just so much most familiar with the victim me that I feel protective of her.

Recognizing this much has been helping me question my initial reactions. To ask myself about the hidden feelings underneath the expressed feelings and attempt to deal with them directly. To find out what it is I really want to say but can't and alternately choose to behave badly.

Maybe it is also a question of believing in myself enough to say 'hey, that's right. I did good. It wasn't easy. It fact it was the hardest thing I ever did but I did it. One baby step at a time. I can acknowledge my own accomplishments, see my own successes without it costing me anything now or in the future. Its now I celebrate while tomorrow takes care of itself. No pressure.'

Your reaction to your friends support struck home with me so I thought I would babble about it for a bit to see if it struck any cords of truth with you too jexa. Maybe it can stir up some thinking for you to see better the roots of your own responses.

Getting to a place where our love for ourselves is greater than our self loathing seems to me the ultimate goal for all of us coping with mental illness issues. Self love is the source of power that helps us to overcome all the programming and the patterned behaviours that have torn us down over time.

It may sound too easy to say that declaring self love can change your world but I do believe it can. I have been practising it more diligently lately and I credit the declarations for feeling more positive about my recovery these days. I credit them for giving me the strength to look behind my reactions to see the root of what I feel. Once I know the root I am better armed to respond in a healing way rather then a hurtful way.

You are loved and loveable Jexa. You can declare it without evidence. You can declare it without pressure to perform. You can declare it because love is good. Love is pure. Love is true. Love is honest. Love is patient and love is kind. Love is healing. Love is a gift we can give to ourself without any conditions or expectations. Its a free gift that keeps on giving. I don't need to feel it at first but if I declare it enough I will bask in its sweetness and live in its glow and in time I feel its power, its authority and its tender gentle healing.

Sorry if I am just rambling off course here. I am in one of those high on life moments where the hope is kicking me to believe we can all make it to our destination. It had me meditating on the word love this morning and consequently I am just full of it now.

Sending buckets of love and bushels of hugs your way. Wishing you well.

When she congratulated me for getting through the night, I felt sick to my stomach and kind of angry. I don't want this to be an accomplishment.

You don't want it to be someone else's accomplishment? An accomplishment according to someone else's standards?

((((((((((((((jexa)))))))))))))))) There is nothing immature or mature about feelings or needs. Feeling and needs just ARE. When I pile judgment on top of my feelings (I'm being so stupid/immature/etc) it makes them that much harder to deal with...because not only am I sad/angry/needy, but now I'm also ashamed and angry at myself.

Your feelings are your feelings. I think most people here would react the same way if T suddenly announced they were moving. I *know* I would. So, are we ALL immature? Or are we all attached to someone that we're doing really hard, intimate, life-changing work with?

You feel how you feel, and your feelings are okay. T always tells me that feelings aren't emergencies, they're information. Sometimes that helps me step back to wonder what the information is, and sometimes THAT moves me a little closer to knowing what the next step is.

In a Buddhist group that I'm in, we are taught that feelings are never "good" or "bad". We are human, and we feel what we feel. Sometimes if we can embrace our feelings, invite them in instead of push them away, see them without judgment, it gives us just a little bit more room to breathe. I think Thich Nhat Hanh talks about saying to our feelings "hello, little anger", or "hello, little sadness"...just with an openness that allows us to be who we are and feel how we feel without judgment.

I guess all of this is to say, I don't see anything immature about how you are feeling. You are grieving, you are angry, you are scared, and probably a lot of other things. It makes so much sense that you would feel that way.

Be gentle with you. You deserve gentleness.

sending love, love, and love

(((jexa)))

i've skimmed over a lot of your post, but haven't really read anything in depth. like i mentioned in your previous thread, for the first time on PC - you've moved me to tears. i wish there was someway to help you.

at any rate, i just wanted to say that i'm thinking of you and i hope you're well..

Yeah, know what you mean about work - my office mate was out and I cried a bunch. Really wanted to crawl under my desk.

You are right, what ever the age it's the being honest part - feeling what is there. Kids don't really filter their feelings and reaction, they just let it all come out KAPLOOIE (if they are given the freedom).
We grow up and we are taught to hide our feelings - at work I got criticised for being "too passionate". There was no place where feelings were OK. Loving that guy who didn't love me back - learned to not do that again! And some of us, we tried to love our parents and make them proud, get them to love us back.

Like Tree said we have to learn to welcome our feelings "Hello little anger, hello little sadness". But it is not easy. When I'm in an immature state of mind (happens in therapy quite a bit) then I can let it out better.

One day, one night. Let's keep going Jexa